Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Old Habits Die Hard

I have another story to share...

This one takes place when I was 15 turning 16 years old. I was a Junior in High School and I met, who I thought, was the most perfect boy ever in existence. One night, on a Valentine's Day, this boy gave me a ring. It was a silver Claddaugh ring that he slid onto my thumb...and on that thumb is where it stayed for 9 years. 

Never moved. Never came off. 

I have permanent indents on my left thumb because of it. 

I never have taken it off since the day he put it there...not even when I got engaged to previous people...there was nothing or no one that could take it's place.


20 days ago, I took off that ring. I placed it on my end table...and there it sits. It doesn't belong on my thumb anymore. It no longer has a place in my heart...Things have completely changed...

Its not that I wont keep it. I'm not going to throw it away...Its just...that habitual materialist thing isn't a part of me anymore. 

I have actually found the most perfect person in existence...so the ring he slid onto my finger is the one that fills my heart...

The Claddaugh ring has been replaced.  

Living and loving more completely then I have ever before, 

Monday, May 16, 2011

Confessions Of A "Greedy" Girl

Everyday, after I leave work...I drive down this one road...The same road, every night...even though its slightly out of my way. Why? There is this house, that is for sale...Cheap and wonderful and perfect. 5 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, all wood floors, 1,960 square feet and a huge enclosed porch and it sits on an acre of property. It was 255,900$...and they reduced the price so much that its now 214,900$...

They would want 10,745$ down and the monthly payment would be 1,545.29$ a month. That's what a big apartment rental would charge a month. But if we did this, it would be OURS...all ours...

BUT...It's not plausible to do that right now. Money is tight...My phone just broke...There are so many other things that need to get paid up...I need a car...

But, still...every day, i drive past this house...I look at it...I yearn for it...I imagine Christmases there, sitting in the living room cuddling and looking at our tree,  planting gardens in the spring, sitting on the enclosed deck, that I would turn into an indoor garden/breakfast nook, drinking coffee in the morning with Adam, cooking Thanksgiving dinner in the huge kitchen for our family, painting the entire house and Adam's cheeks, bringing home our first newborn baby and having a perfect nursery for it,  Adam could have a garage and I could have an office to write in. There would be BBQs in our awesome backyard complete with volleyball. 

And then reality hits me...I cant have it. It's not mine and I shouldnt imagine creating memories there because, like i said, it isnt plausible. 

And even though I know this, I still drive past it...I still watch the price continue to drop...I still hope, maybe, somehow...


With greedy eyes, 

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Aches & Pains

Warning: This is me bitching....

My entire body fucking hurts. Everywhere...my ankles, my knees, my hips, my back and shoulders, my wrists and my neck....everywhere.
As wonderful as it's going to be getting everything taken care of, getting a great apartment, finding a new car etc...I would very much like to be alive to enjoy it. 

I've been having more and more frequent heart issues, that I haven't mentioned to anyone because i dont need anyone worrying about me. But it's like it cant keep the beat steady, ever. I seriously dread going to Friday's because of the stupid fucking "training" I am having to complete before they will let me on the floor alone and before I am allowed to keep my tips. So, the said dread turns to anxiety and before you know it, BAM....helloooo super palpitations.And it lasts the entire time I am there...

But I have to do it...I have to go through with it...I cant give up...I need this job like I need oxygen...I have to keep going, keep doing it...turning everyday into 13 hour work days if i need to...I have to.... even if it kills me. 

I just hope things start getting taken care of soon... I hope Adam and I can get enough saved to get an apartment, so we can move in together...I want it, so bad. I want it way more worse then I want my heart to beat correctly...

I just dont want to wear the bottoms of my feet to the bone, because thats what it feels like, right now...I have a blister thats throbbing...and I am too scared to pop it because I am going to be working 13 1/2 hours straight tomorrow, and I dont want it rubbing on my work shoes. Those shoes already hurt like hell. 

I need to eat. I have so much shit on my mind today that I forgot to...

With eyes burning and joints aching, 

Saturday, May 7, 2011

A Real Fairy Tale

Going to a concert has never been so life altering, as it was last night. Sure, I have seen bands whose live music made my soul sing...but that's not what I am talking about...

I have something to share with everyone. 

After Adam and I saw Rammstein last night, we found our way back to the parking lot to search for the Jeep. It was chilly. My ears rang. But, as Adam held me in his arms, the coolness of the night seemed to fade away. 

He kissed me as people watched and passed sexual comments. Finally, having enough, or maybe it was embarrassment, we went to the front of Jeep. 

He picked me up and set me down on the hood...looked into my eyes and confessed his love for me. 

"I love you, with all of my heart." He said.
"Thats a whole bunch." I replied.

In his hands, a little black velvet box appeared...as if it was magic happening, right under my nose.

"Oh, Gods" I whispered.
"Will you?" He asked. 

"Mmmhmm." I replied. 

My heart pounded in my chest. The entire world around me was one big blur of spinning lights. I wrapped my arms around his neck, then kissed his lips as I held his beautiful face in my hands. 

"I love you." He said. 
"I love you, too." I replied. 

"You going to let me put this on you?" He asked, as he opened the little box. 

"Ohhh, its's beautiful!" I exclaimed.

He slid the ring, that gleamed and sparkled like a million stars trapped in a perfect little square, onto my left ring finger. With ease, it took it's permanent place, until the day we say our vows and become Husband and Wife. 

My life is as perfect as this breath taking diamond that glitters on my finger. 

I knew exactly what to say. 

Smiling until my cheeks hurt, 

A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, in a land that that no one could ever find on any map, there lived a fair maiden, with her two tigers, her mother and her younger sister. Jemalynn passed each day in the palace gardens and writing stories. Her mother, Queen Marie, favored Jemalynn's younger sister, Meeghan, so much while she was growing up that she was a spoiled, uncaring little girl. She tormented Jemalynn and teased her about how she chose to fill her days. Meeghan was cruel, heartless and vain. The mighty Queen soon became sad about her youngest daughter's ways that she locked herself in her high tower that only had one small window to let in fresh air. Every night, Meeghan would climb the stairs to the tower, bang on the door and spit in her mother's face. All of the maidens in the town feared Meeghan for she would have them executed if they even walked through her path. She would have their bodies drained of blood and then hung in the town square to show everyone that she wasn't someone to cross. Meeghan would then have her handmaids bath her in their blood. She believed it kept her skin fair and young. 

Jemalynn never spoke to her sister out of fear. She kept to herself and wandered her gardens all the while her tigers stayed at her side. She would sit by the pond and weave flowers into crowns that she would playfully place upon their heads, which they would paw off and eat. She would hear the town just outside of the palace walls, but never mingled with the townsfolk. She knew what her sister did and she didn't want to be labeled as such. 

One bright summer afternoon, as Jemalynn sat beside the pond, she heard a faint whisper. Looking around, she saw no one and even her feline companions didn't stir. Shrugging, she continued to move her quill along the page of her journal. And then she heard it again, as clear as day. "Save me" in a  male voice. She looked around, but again, saw no one. She gathered her skirts in her hands and bolted for the castle, for she knew not what was speaking to her and it frightened her. 

The next afternoon, she silently and slowly walked to the meadow and sat next to her pond. No sooner had she sat, the voice again..."Save me" But this time, she was alone. She closed her eyes and wished it away. When she opened them again, she was staring face to face with a silver wolf that had the most vibrant blue eyes she had ever seen. Startled she jumped and started to run. Tripping on the hem of her long yellow gown, she fell. The wolf was instantly at her side. "Please dont run" said the voice. She looked into it's eyes. Could this be real? Can I hear this beast's thoughts, she thought to herself. "Yes, I can see inside of your soul, precious one" came the reply. 

"My name is Prince Mada. I was cursed by an evil sorcerer some time back and I am trapped in this beast's body until I can break the spell."  Jemalynn stared at the wolf, whose eyes seem to scorch her very heart. "I am Jemalynn, my lord." And with that, she stood up quickly and headed for the castle in such a hurry, she dropped her journal. The wolf picked it up in his jaws and walked back to the forest that surround the palace. "I will see you in your dreams..." he said. 

For the following three nights, Jemalynn tossed and turned as she tried to slumber. Her moans and cries managed to rise her sister from her sleep. Meeghan stormed to her room and through open the door. "If you do not calm yourself, Jemalynn, I will slit your throat and throw you to the dogs." Jemalynn jumped awake. 
"But sister, I have been having this dream, where this silver wolf with the most beautiful blue eyes speaks to me. He tells me he is a prince under a spell. He wants me to save him."
"Nonsense Jemalynn. You are too caught up in your story telling that you are blending reality with imagination. Now sleep silently, or I will skin you alive." And with a flick of her hair, she was gone.

Jemalynn quivered. She knew Meeghan was not joking but she also knew this dream wasn't just her imagination. She rose out of bed, put on a blue robe over her white night dress and slipped on a pair of blue slippers. She would find this animal. She would listen to it speak. And she would learn it's tale. 

As she pranced through the night, she began to lose hope as time wore on. Finally, exhausted and cold she headed back towards the castle. 
"I see you." came the voice. Jemalynn froze, her feet instantly became rooted to the ground. 

The silver wolf stepped from behind the shadows and walked to her side. Sitting on his haunches, he nuzzled her hand. Jemalynn fell to her knees and wrapped her arms around his neck. "I knew you were real. Come with me, my prince. Lets leave this place." she said into his warm scruff.  "You must bring me a lock of hair from your sister's head to break this spell." his eyes spoke. Jemalynn nodded. "Then so be it" 

As the morning sun streamed through her window, Jemalynn rubbed her eyes. What a spectacular dream. As she threw off the blankets, her heart stopped as she saw the mud and bits of grass on her white linen sheets. It wasn't a dream. She knew what she must do. Catching her breath, she made her way to her sister's room. Opening the door and stepping inside, she noticed Meeghan still slept. She pulled the pair of silver ornate shears from her pocket and walked to the side of the bed. Holding a piece of her sister's hair in her hand, she readied the scissors. Just before she had a chance to snip, Meeghan opened her eyes. "I will kill you for this!" She snarled.  She seized Jemalynn by the throat and slammed her against the wall..."Today, you will die!" Meeghan screamed. 

Jemalynn opened her eyes and realized her hands were tied behind her back. The pyre that was built around her smelled of hay and lilies. Her eyes sought out her mother in the window. How could the Queen allow this to happen? There was no face looking in the window. Meeghan came from out of the shadows with a lit torch in her hand. "How dare you cross me, dear sister. You should have feared me, but never hated me." She brought the torch to the kindling that surrounded Jemalynn. She screamed. "Save me" The flames started to consume everything around her and the last thing she saw was a flash of silver before everything turned black. 

As she opened her eyes, all she saw was the night sky all around her. Billions of stars twinkled on the canvas of navy. Brilliant blue eyes were gazing into hers. "You saved me, Princess Jemalynn. I needed someone that would risk their life for me in order to break the spell. May this kiss echo off of the mountains for an eternity."
And with that, Prince Mada, in perfect human form, leaned over her and enclosed her mouth with his. 
"Your mother has come out from that tower. Your terrible sister is gone into the legends. Your life begins anew tonight, if you shall have me as your husband...as your king."

Jemalynn threw her arms around the Prince's neck. "To life anew" she exclaimed and kissed him again and again, until they were both breathless. "I may have saved you, but you have saved me." 

They were both wed, under a tall oak beside the pond in the meadow of Jemalynn's palace. Her mother stood tall and powerful among her people. The town cheered with joy. 

And then, my friends, they both lived happily ever after.