Ghostly Revenge - Day 2 of Word Vomit....

It is amazing how after 5 long years of no poetry, I have managed to throw together some words that have stirred something in my imagination. 

My Elsewhere... after half a decade.... has sprung back to life... 

I am telling you... the damn show I went to the other day did something to me!!!! 

Anyways.... here is some blah blah from J.C.'s mind for tonight... 

Something wicked is blowing in on the wind.

She is all things magic, and all things made from darkness.

She speaks with a whisper and moves with grace.

But lacerations and scars decorate her face.

Her skin is cream white with hair as dark as ebony old.

…dark eyes burning with a flame…blood as red as ruby gold.

Like a misty ghost that is just out of reach, who yearns to be pulled out of that realm.

 

It is all just a beautiful revenge.

Innocence destroyed.

Youth turned to ash.

Beauty betrayed in flames from the past.

 

She wants to hurt those who have hurt her.

She wants to spill the blood of those of who have wronged her.

That beautiful, sweet revenge.

She longs for release.

She longs for freedom.

But fate would not allow.

Yet she would not be denied.

 

Just a beautiful revenge.

Now you must let her sleep…

For the ghostly figure that she is isn’t something that you should stir.

That betrayal is the worst when the knife slices through your soul.

Unforgiving…. A wound that never heals.

 

Maybe that is why she is such a Phantasm.

Holding on until another spell can be cast, 

-J. C. 

 

Ritual Bind : The Elsewhere's Resurrection

Some mindless writing that I haven't done in years that I now require to breathe. I am going to try to revive my words and start creating things that I am proud to call my own once more. 

 A celebration of this black mass. 

 A dark and beautiful rite. 

The air is still with the spell of the passing. 

 Dance with me closely, under the pale of the moon. 

 As we bask in the light, it becomes our tune. 

 Sacrificial blood pours from the lips that you have kissed time and time again. 

Let’s just hold each other in this rain. 

Let’s just be here, you and I. 

Let’s just hold each other through the pain. 

 Nothing will break the ritual bind. 

 You dip me low and pour yourself into my body. 

 Let us melt into one. 

 The world will be ours. 

 One day we will transcend together. 

 But for now, let’s just feel the moment. 

Let’s just hold each other in this rain. 

Let’s just be here, you and I. 

Let’s just hold each other through the pain. 

 Nothing will break the ritual bind. 

The taste of blood is sweet upon my tongue, and it is a beautiful thing. 

As rain mists down on us, it looks like glitter in the night. 

When you are pressed against me, the world just seems right. 

I could dance all night if you are by my side. 

But your hands are cold in mine while your eyes are so divine. 

But Nothing will break the ritual bind. 

Stay long enough to relearn who I am, -J.C.

Every Harvest Depends On The Past

Years have turned again. Turned and things, like seasons, have changed. 

SO MUCH HAS CHANGED.

Today marks 4 years after tragedy struck my life. 4 years since I found my Husband in an affair with my 17 year old half sister. Not just sexually either. He claimed to love her...told me i was in the way. I am sure if you go through some old blogs you will stumble across the word vomit I splattered on page after page. 4 years of feeling second best. 4 years of pretending like I was Ok. 4 years of therapy an journal entries I can barely read because my hand writing is so horrid. I look back and I think to myself...will I ever feel anything less then what I feel? Will it ever pass? I feel like this is the absolute most pain I have felt from a betrayal in my whole 31 years. The pain is real...and the pain is still very present inside of my chest. Some days barely noticeable while other days I feel it bubble and cause minor affixation.

What a mess.

I did everything I could to carry on and move forward. Erich and I had THE most beautiful baby girl in 2017. 

I begged him, pleaded...and sacrificed so much in order for him to fix the hole he created. After our daughter was born things got even stranger with his obsession to find other women to share himself with. I cried to him...Please do not do this. Fix our marriage or we will be facing divorce before Maddy's first birthday. 

I moved out of our home January 3rd 2018...exactly 19 days before my daughters 1st birthday. 

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a girl with long shady eyes. She carried those eyes in a skull that swam with Chaos...they always seemed full of static. They always were wet and glassy...some days they seemed frozen. Of all the things she painted on her face...to hide the truth, those eyes could not lie. 

They held stories that people craved to learn. They held truths she didn't know how to share. Who would care anyways?

Then one afternoon, on the celebration day of her birth, a single drop fell in to the shallow pool of despair, and caused ripple after ripple. Like an echo in a ravine...returning to you over and over.

When they say you have one person in this world, that is your person, they weren't kidding. So many people pass through your story book that sometimes they all just become a blur. But when you meet someone you have shared memories with, in the past...that's something so special and so rare.

He found me and he swore he wasn't even looking. It was something like electricity that passed between us. There was something in those eyes that yearned for me...something so familiar. Like in lives past I looked into those eyes before. Baby blue with a golden ring around the center. I knew those eyes.

And those eyes knew me.

He split my soul right down the middle and severed me from reality. Pulled me into his arms, one night, in the pouring rain and whispered in my ear...

"I know this will fuck things up, but i don't care. I love you."

My breath caught in my throat...but the mountains of broken promises in my esophagus wouldn't let any words come out.  I just let the rain continue to soak my flesh and drip down my back. That night tasted like gin and there was magic in the air. A certain electrical current went though the sky...and enveloped us into a thing that I don't have a name for.

Every star in the sky could have tumbled down in to the ground and I wouldn't even have noticed.

Here we are many moons after that night...and for the first time in 4 years, i feel like someone is loving me the way I should be. The way I deserve.

And if that hurts anyone or ruffles feathers....take a long walk off a short pier.

I hope you get what you have given back 50 fold.

Breathing slowly but surely,

-J.C.

Anger Toward Flesh

Asking for anything is like passing rocks through a sieve.

Passing seconds flick by as I sit motionless, trying to catch my breath.

Unlike the piles of decaying bone clogging my throat, my eyes scream volumes. 

Hear Me.

For He knows not what He needs.

Purple mold encasing my fractured womb makes it ok. 

Ok to laugh at.

Read me sonnets for my lullaby. 

Fuck the norm...I want to fly. 

Needle piercing skull to remove the memory of hate.

Take it away. All was made up anyway.

Like the Once Upon a Time my eyes thrived on only now makes them weep.

This language I speak is only understood by some. 

Gurgling with coagulated words that come out in barely a whisper. 

A mimic of what was scraped off the ocean floor. 

Serpents hide down there with razors for teeth - like cut outs of cold steel. 

They wait patiently to separate you from your soul. 

Everyone has Shade and it makes us Human.

I'd rather be that serpent engorged on pipe dreams. 

Dredging pearls through the mud, 

-J.C.

Repulsion Invades Me

I need you like water needs my lungs.

Drifting along with dead moths encrusting my hair.
 

Everything sickly blue and bleached...the snow littering the ground like foamy saliva.

I hope and plead that the wind does not beckon for me tonight.

I can not bear the chill and I fear finding something dead on my doorstep.

The dreams come again. 

Flimsy images that swallow reality and upon waking, the morning laughs at me for being afraid.

Bitter drafts flutter the dead butterflies wings bringing the illusion of life. 

Where is the warmth I long for?

Who is able to give me a flying lesson?

....

Souls to roam within the velvet sky.

Someone come find me. Call for me.

Please, scream my name.

I wonder how they would feel knowing I am actually faceless.

Take some more out of me. Chunks of flesh bitten from my core.

Let me see what you have left.

The Time Had Come To Move Out Of My Way

It is hard to go into things that have been happening for a long time. I feel as if I have to start from the very beginning and I just do not have the time no the energy to do so. It is just too much that adds up to practically nothing....if that makes sense. 

Here is the condensed version:

My biological father has 7 kids from 4 different women. How is this possible is beyond me...why? Because my father is gross, in many ways then just the aspect of he fathered 7 children and doesn't give a shit about any of them.  

I have met, and dislike 40%* of his kids.

Just this past weekend, that percent went up to 50%*

(* These numbers do not include me)

I spent 2 years, on and off, looking for that 6th sibling. I met her when I was a tiny J but havent seen her since, and I am sure she had no memory of me beings she is 3 years younger. 

Amyways, I found her. I started talking to her on a Sunday...by Wednesday she had lied to me and had "joined ranks" with the sperm donor, even after I had warned her of his transgressions and how they have impacted my life. I told her of his stints in jail. Yes, multiple. I filled her in on his chemical abuse..... She claims she shuddered with disgust. She said how her husband was going to kick his ass for walking out of her life......blah-de-fucking-blah.

They met and hung out on Tuesday. 

She let him snuggle her son. She took pics with him and posted them captioned, "I missed and love this man. I love you, Daddy!" 

Umm.................... 

So, that longing to find her has been filled and the want of maybe having another cool ass sister has obviously passed. She is exactly like Brittany and Robert.....exactly like Wendy and my Father.....

Disgusting, worthless and mentally unstable, dirty pieces of shit slobs. No education, no drive to make anything of their lives, no want to accomplish more....to have more....to do more. No need to take care of themselves...

I find as I get older and older...I need less and less people in my life. I especially do not need people like that in my life. Or my daughters. 

So, just like that...something I spent so long doing....ended. And good riddance. 

Au Revoir,

-J.C.

Durch Gefahren Unsägliches

Once more I am finding myself stumbling. I have almost everything my heart has ever desired but why do I feel so god damn sad?

I am going to chalk this up to postpartum depression. It definitely is real. The absolute helplessness I feel when i wake up is nothing like I have felt before. I feel like all I do is sit in the house with my beautiful tiny babe and wait. Wait for what? I have no idea.

 I suppose theres different kinds of PPD...theres the kind where you aren't bonding with your baby and you cant be around him or her. That's not what I am feeling. I have definitely bonded and love this tiny little bit to pieces! 

I feel like I am not connecting with adults anymore......I have a weird feeling toward my husband....like I feel like he doesn't know me and that he looks at me like I am a stranger. I feel different about my Mom...as if I now finally know the love she felt for me and Amanda and the amount of devotion she has for us and it makes my heart want to explode with love for her. I feel off about my friends...Maybe because they're never around. I miss my sister so much that it hurts sometimes...but she has her own life that she is living. Every one keeps saying they're here for me...but how can someone be there for someone else when they have no idea what it is that I am feeling?

I am ready for this winter to be over. I am ready to feel the sunshine on my face and the grass under my feet. I am ready to plant things and start the garden. I am ready to take vacation in June. I am sure once I am able to be out of this house more I might feel better about myself. It might even make Madilynn less cranky to have the sun on her chubby cheeks.

I dont really know how long PPD lasts. I didnt even think I would feel the way I do after giving birth. I said to myself, noooo, not me!!!!!

I will try my hardest to get through these last few weeks of winter... I am just glad I can still use this page as an outlet. 

Sorry for the bitching to whoever reads this. 

Folding into myself, 

-J.C.