50 Reasons Why My Stars Shine

• 1- For picking me, out of all the other apples on the tree.
• 2- For seeing my true self behind my teased out hair and creepy makeup.
• 3- For not liking coconut m&ms
• 4- For listening to techno and such music
• 5- For drinking coffee like i do
• 6- For having breath taking blue eyes
• 7- For reading everything i write
• 8- For having a hunger to read more of said writing
• 9-  For keeping me calm in serious situations
• 10- For loving cats
• 11- For your perfect kisses
• 12- For dealing with my crazy family and their teasing
• 13- For knowing exactly where i like to be touched
• 14- For how you don’t mind holding my hand or showing me affection even in public
• 15- For buying my book
• 16- For taking me to a Rangers game even though you arent crazy about hockey like me
• 17- For your anxiousness for our future
• 18- For knowing exactly when im going to text you
• 19- For listening to my stories even though you might have heard them 1000 times before
• 20- For dealing with me when im over emotional
• 21- For staying strong when I am too weak to even speak
• 22- For letting me tell you about your faults and not getting angry but instead taking our talk to heart and seeing it through your own eyes
• 23- For standing by me during my job transition
• 24- For being completely devoted to me and only me
• 25- For wrestling with me
• 26- For stopping when i ask you to quit tickling me
• 27- For not stopping when i ask you to quit tickling me
• 28- For coddling me when my belly is upset
• 29- For taking care of me when im sick, even though you know you are going to get sick also
• 30- For getting me my laptop and phone when you knew i needed it but couldnt do it myself
• 31- For picking me up that night i was drunk at Terrordome
• 32- For dealing with me on said drunk night and helping me get my boots off because i couldnt stop laughing
• 33- For supporting my dream of opening my own bar and restaurant
• 34- For wanting to be a part of said business once we open it
• 35- For doing the math on things because you know i hate it
• 36- For saving my life
• 37- For kissing my hand before you leave, every time, without fail.
• 38- For scratching my back when i unhook my bra at night
• 39- For fitting perfectly when i rest my head on your shoulder when we fall asleep
• 40- For telling me I am beautiful, even when i wake up with Medusa hair
• 41- For taking me to the beach in the middle of the night when you knew i had a bad day and you knew it would make me feel better
• 42- For always finding me Peach Cobbler ice cream when you know its my absolute favorite
• 43- For always kissing me good night
• 44- For letting me put my cold hands or feet on you to warm them up
• 45- For holding my face in your hands and looking into my eyes
• 46- For calling me your "kitten"
• 47- For coming home to me after work in the middle of the night
• 48- For leaving your coffee cup places
• 49- For allowing me to cook for you, take care of you and rub you when you have had a bad day.
• 50- For giving me reason after reason to be a better person and pursue my life goals and dreams.

There are many many more that I could put down...I could keep going and going on all the ways that I love you...but I didn't want to overload you. I am so happy to have you. And I hope you know that you are so loved. 

With everything I have to give, 

-J.C.

Basket Full Of Sugar And Eggs Day

Yesterday was Easter, and even though its not really a celebrated event for me..i participated...I got a basket full of candy from my Mama...But what a mess the day was. Mom decided to invite almost the entire family and then some, over for dinner. Now, I need to explain something to you, before I tell you the stories. My family is fucking crazy. I know, I know...everyone thinks their family is insane...but, for serious...my family is bat shit crazy. 

There was my mom, Garrett, and my sister. Mike was also here. Then, Gamma came up from North Carolina. There was Uncle Bill and Brenda. Aunt Josie and Uncle Fred and her sister and husband. There was Garth and Garrett's good friend George. Great Gram also was here...and of course, I was present for all the dysfunction. Mom drank a lot...Garrett looked worried...Manda was drinking also...Gamma was trying to be social to everyone. Uncle Bill drank so much he got red blotches all over him and couldn't stop talking about the "mule." Brenda is just hilarious and loud, like always lol. Aunt Josie couldn't leave the cats alone, and Loser disappeared literally 5 minutes after she got here...she just MAULS them...(here kitty kitty) Uncle Fred was just everywhere...Her sister wouldnt stop staring at me...her husband was all up in everyone's business. Garth ate everything and George...well, he was fine. Great Gram is a frisky old lady and me, well....I drank an entire bottle of wine...just so I could find humor in everything that was happening.

So, Uncle Fred broke a chair and fell backwards into the wood stove, slicing his arm open and bleeding all over everything. Garth tripped over the baby gate that we use to keep Nashi out of the kitty box. Great Gram slapped George on the ass, hard! and then high fived my mother...I got drunk, Mike got drunk, Manda got drunk....Uncle Bill was WASTEDDDD....

Adam had to work....lucky...

It's times like this, I think about how my wedding would go. Everyone would be cool and calm and collected...and then everything would turn to shit once we got to the reception. Open bar? Probably...Crazy ass drunken family?....Very likely. Happily ever after with the most amazing man I have ever met? Most deff.

The thought of  just going into my room to masturbate until everyone left, actually passed though my mind. That, or leaving to go find some LSD to be able to deal with everyone... joking....kind of. But, I enjoyed the day, and seeing Gamma and Great Gram is always a treat. (hearts!) I wore ears AND a fluffy bunny tail that they both got a kick out of.

And I don't think I mentioned...I got the job at Friday's! They told me I would start my 8 days of training this Wednesday and they would be in touch about the time...So, I sit with anxiousness. Waiting and pacing. I really need to start this. There is so much that needs to get taken care of before Adam and I can start getting our shit in order...before we can move...before I can get a car...But it IS a process, ya know? Each day that passes, we get closer and closer to living together and working toward our dreams. It's going to happen. It will. It just takes time. And the time that passes in between the start and go is whats killing me.

I am so happy and so incredibly anxious, I itch, everywhere. 

But this concludes the things I have to say...I am waiting for my Mama to call me and let me know when we are leaving to bring Gamma to the airport. It won't be until June that I get to see her again. But, with Gampa's passing, she will get to visit more often. I love that woman. 

Lighting candles to induce success, 

-J.C.

In The ABCs Of Growing Up

Flowers are blooming everywhere. The trees are sprouting their buds which will turn into green leaves. The robins are gathering little pieces of life around them to build their nests, to lay their eggs...to restart their circle of life. It's absolutely beautiful...The ongoing perfection of the Earth makes me shiver with excitement.

I have so much news...I had an interview at Friday's last night. The server manager enjoyed my company so much that I was asked to meet the DM today, at 2:30. I am so excited...I am prettyyyy sure I got this job on lock down, and just in perfect time too. Also, I may be able to start the other bar around the middle or end of May...and of course I am still at Cumberland...but who knows how much longer I will be there with these 2 new job opportunities. Maybe things will start looking up. Maybe I will be able to start making something of my life...Secure a wonderful future for Adam and myself. 

There's been talk of moving. Away. Him and I. Where to, you ask? Not exactly sure yet. Maybe near by, maybe another state. Maybe down south. But it doesn't matter to me, as long as we are together and living our life.

"I already have it." He whispered to me...it made my skin tingle...goose bumps instantly rose to the surface sending a chill all the way down my spine....my stomach flip flopped.....10 million butterflies flew into my throat...I know exactly what I would say.

Darling, i will love you until the end of time. 

Don't feed me violins .... just run with me through rows of speeding cars....

I know exactly what I would say.  

You will forever be my guiding light and savior,
-J.C.

The Dreams That Visit Me In The Night

She opened her eyes but couldnt see anything. It was like there was something covering her eyes. Frantically, her hands flew to her face and felt a thin piece of material wrapped around her head...like a bandage...but her sensitive fingers didnt feel any wound. She found the beginning of the fabric and started peeling it away. 

Finally being able to see, she takes in everything around her. The full moon illuminates everything around her in silvery light. There's an apple tree with rotting apples littering the ground beneath it. A lake in the distance shows the sky in its waters. Her delicate fingers feel her bulging pregnant belly as the breeze blows her skirt around her knees. 

A smile creeps across her lips and she throws her head back and laughs. 

Picking up one of the decayed apples, she brings it to her lips and takes a bite. 

Blood erupts from it and pours down her chin...staining her lips. 

Laughing again, she tosses the apple into the water and starts twirling...round and round...pieces of grass are stuck to her bare feet.

The wind whips her silver blonde hair around her face as she falls to her knees, dizzy from her dance.

"Save me"  She whispers.

And then the night fell around her. Stars colliding with the earth. The big cookie moon drops into the water. Sky and ground melt into one...causing a swirling gray chaos.

I jumped awake, panting, as if i was exhausted. 

I dont control what my mind lets me see. Its kind of scary. 

Forever dancing in your eyes, 

-J.C.

Learning Lessons And Growing Success Trees

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One Lonely Tree With Purple Flowers

So, i wanted to start this blog a couple of days ago, but i kind of got sidetracked by my inability to say anything...so, here I am, like, 3 days later, back to the same titled blog...staring at my laptop screen wondering what to put down...something, anything...so people know i am still alive...

But, i had some minor inspiration today while i walked along the shore of Jax Beach, in Jacksonville, Florida. It was hot today, about 86-ish, give or take...but it was so awesome to feel such wonderful warmth in the middle of April...actually, come to think of it, i felt warmth like this last April when i was in florida for chelsie and jason's wedding. (which whom i love and miss so very much, and the lauren also) But anyway...the day started off with me in a shitty mood...no caffeine, crazy tired, anxious as all fuck, and the fact that the cleaning lady walked into the hotel room this morning without knocking kind of ruffled my feathers...So, needless to say, i was a fucking cranky bitch...

When we got to the beach, it was crowded...way too many people on the beach for my taste...the sun was hot, but nice...the water was way cold first getting in...but about ten minutes later, i kind of adjusted...and then it was nice swimming and wave jumping. Then, i remembered why i wanted to go to the beach so bad....get some tan going on. 

So, back to the sand I went...i somehow managed to fall asleep on my belly...when I woke up, It was time to put fuel in the tank (eat) and get some alcohol in my blood stream (mmm, pina colada)...Afterwords...went back to the truck and I fell asleep again...and when i woke up...i fucking HURT...sun burn EVERYWHERE...like, it hurt to even move from where i was...I very delicately put on a light sundress, and went back to the beach to treasure hunt...which was kind of balls because beings this beach is so populated, i didnt find nearly as many treasures as i was hoping for, but got a few really nice treasures that i get to take home. :)

But, vacation only lasts for so long...so tomorrow morning, we will be heading back home...which i am extremely thankful for. I mean, dont get me wrong, i had a good time on this adventure and the beach was well worth it...but, enough is enough...I need to go home. I have so much shit that I have to take care of and so many things that I want to do...I have been gone waaaay longer then i thought i was going to be, and right about now, (even though being on the beach was awesoooomeeee) i just would really really REALLY like to get home. Ya know how in the winter, when you sit in the house for too long because the weather is shit...and you just want to get outside and have nice weather...i guess this is whats happening...although Attila called it "  box fever."  I just want to go home and sleep in my own bed...cuddle with my snugglies and spend some time with the people i have been away from for a week and a half...I really dont know how people can be a trucker for their entire lives... i would lose my fucking mind, and it hasnt even been 2 weeks yet...I need to get home, do laundry, and start my diet back up because the food on the road makes me feel like shit...just saying. Its back to fruit and nuts for me... lmao. 

I havent been feeling like myself lately...like theres something missing...an empty feeling, deep in the pit of my stomach and i dont like it, at all. Like theres a chunk out of me...like someone ripped it from right out of my body...or my soul. I feel like half a person...and my moods reflect it. Sigh. I dont know...i thought the beach would fill this void...i thought being in the ocean water would cleanse me of this emptiness...but it just made it worse...like, right now, at this moment...i want to just go for a walk...clear my head...listen to the night around me...but i cant. I have no fucking idea where I am, and even if i did...the bottom of my feet are burned and it hurts to even have them on the floor with me sitting. Never mind, i'll shut up...

And i really need to do something about work (because i just may have lost my job because i have been away too long)...If there was a way to come up with 1,500$ right away...someone needs to tell me...because i NEED to move the FUCK out of my house...Anyone want to lend me 1,500 bucks? Please? I need to come up with at least 500 asap because I have phone bill, computer/Evo payment and i would really like to get some summer clothes, because I have barely any...I'd like to dye my hair...I have to give my mom money...ugh. I fucking hate my life sometimes...

But yeah...to sum everything up, the beach was beautiful, (the sand felt like super fine sugar) i was a cranky jerk most of the day, (until i got my delicious frappe and started the caffeine flow) im super super sun burned, (although the tan thats coming after this will be fabulous) I am terribly home sick and i have box fever like whoa, (i just want to get OUTTTTT!) ...i feel like I am missing a part of myself and im kind of sad about feeling this way in such a beautiful area. (hopefully it goes away when i get home and can snuggle my loves) and finally...i need money...now...(help?)

Well, shit....i guess I could have just wrote that last paragraph and got away with an entire blog entry...

-shrugs- 

whatever....enjoy.

Burning up and falling down,

-J.C.

On The Road Again

So, i have been on another adventure with Atty, and this one feels like it is much longer then the last one. I mean, it probably is...I have seen a lot more, and it has been multiple pick ups and stops and all sorts of neat things. So far, we have transported beef...bread...and concrete...random, i know...but thats how the world works. Our adventures are wonderful. I got to see the Chesapeake bay bridge/tunnel...its 17.9 miles of water to cross...and we stopped and walked out on to the pier that literally felt like it was a mile long itself. But the way it smelled...and the breeze through my hair...and the way the seagulls swooped on the chilly currents of air made me realize how magnificent the world, outside of Orange County, really is. And I really really hope i get to do this some more, so i can see many more breath taking places. I find beauty in everything that is nature. And traveling like this...well, it makes the gypsy blood that flows through my veins stay at a dull roar instead of being subtle like a t-rex. 

I have also come to realize, my body doesnt like to work normally when im traveling like this. I need caffeine like whoa...i guess i actually drink more then i realized when i am at home...because i have had this rotten, pounding migraine all damn day...to the point where i was crazy snippy and was a cranky bitch. Bah.

OH...and i forgot to mention something in my last blog posting...Last weekend...or maybe the weekend before that, i cant really remember the dates off hand...(im bad with that sort of thing) i got to experience one of the most amazing things everrrr...i saw Tiesto...and holyyyyy fuuuuck.....it was mind blowing...if you ever have the chance to see him live...DO IT...its wellllll worth it. You will not regret it...not for a second. I swear, i could feel the bass in my lungs, moving the air around.... <3 

So, the new issue of Otherwise Caffeinated came out... (www.otherwisecaffeinated.com) and ive read though some of the new posts, and i must say, i am so0o grateful there are still people out there that know how to spill their souls onto a blank piece of paper, or into a journal or onto a blank word document. I love being able to feel other people's emotions when i get to read other pieces of work...and if any of you read this...know this, you are AMAZINGLY talented and beautiful...keep writing. I was asked a few days ago if i wanted to do an interview with them...about my website, the pros and cons of self publishing and so on and so forth...and i think thats fabulous. i dont think i have ever done a real interview before, so this would be my first...im kind of excited about it, im not going to lie. 

I really hope this week ends with me and atty laying on the beach in Florida, sipping pina coladas and getting sun burned...IF that happens...then it was a great week and well worth all the aggravation and lack of sleep and even worth the lack of caffeine intake...I am pretty sure i would sell a kidney to lay on the beach for 2 days...taking in the sun and swimming in the ocean...yesss please. My soul needs it. Needs it something fierce. If we dont find our way to Florida this weekend...im going to fucking snap and lose my mind...

Anyway, i think thats all the developments for now...I'll be in touch...

Anxiously waiting to feel the warm sand between my toes, 

-J.C.