Chartreuse Lace Around Her Throat

Once again my days have passed into weeks. 

Sometimes I wonder if I have long since forgotten who I am. Everything seems like such a blur when I try to think about my past. I wonder if I miss it...or I am just hoping for more of a future.

 I am so tired of waiting and putting my life on hold. I just want everything to begin. Something magical perhaps....Actually, you know what? I dont even need magical...I want something real. Something that feels like home. Something I dont dread coming to...I dont want to cry myself to sleep anymore. I dont want to spend days and nights alone anymore. I dont want to have to wonder what it would be like to have my own space. I dont want to have to try to imagine what it will feel like to be complete. 

I am just sick of feeling so stuck. Like, I am waiting for this huge, amazing thing to happen and then it never does. I dont want to hurt anymore. I dont want to feel like nothing is going to get better. I dont want to feel like I am the only one trying. 

I have always heard, be grateful for what you have because just when you think it's bad, just know that someone has it worse. 

Ya know what, people may have it worse...there are some people in the world that dont even have a place to lay their head at night, let alone their own apartment. 

I try to be grateful. I try to respect and love everything I have....but when this bright future, full of wonderful promises of everything you have ever wished for is dangled in front of your face...then pulled away from you because of a minor bump in the road....it fucking hurts. It aches. It rips you apart and you feel like you want to hurt someone or destroy something.

And that is how I feel right now. 

Shredding the hands that try to contain me, 

-J.C.

Through The Vortex Of A Year

Here it is, another year...2011 turned into 2012. It happened so fast. I dont remember the years spinning to an end this quickly...

Maybe it's because I am getting older and time doesn't really seem to have a meaning anymore. It's just going to wind down as quickly as possible until one day, I'll be laying on my death bed...an old woman. Will I look upon my life and be happy with it? Will I have done everything that my heart desires? Or will I be incomplete and wishing for just a few more days to do something more with the life I was given?

I literally sit here, and wonder...what will I ever do to leave my mark on the world? Will I be remembered after I am gone? 

I have just been so stressed out lately. Just thinking about so many things and it has my head spinning. I feel like, I have a time limit...Like, if i dont do the things I have to, times going to run out....and I will lose.

All I have been thinking about is the wedding and how is it going to be perfect when I cant afford the things I really want for it? I want it to be perfect...beautiful...but without the funds, I am starting to think, maybe we should just wait another year before we get married. And then I think about it and get depressed. Why should we have to put our marriage on hold? Why do we have to suffer? Why does this have to be so ridiculously stressful?

And then I think about how in the hell we are going to find a place to live together. Having to divide up our time between 2 houses is aggravating. Like, most days/nights, Adam and I dont even see each other. We don't get to hold each other as we fall asleep. Or hear each other's voices everyday. We dont wake up entwined together or share a meal every night....And just knowing that most nights, I do and will get into my cold bed, alone...Destroys me. It frustrates me to the point of insanity or being violent. Like, I am so frustrated and so anxious, that I want to break things to get the frustration out. I want to scream at someone to make them understand how it feels. How many more nights do I cry myself to sleep? I know you may all think I am just overreacting, but I'm not. It seriously PAINS me to be engaged, preparing to get married in 8 months and we dont live together. We dont have our own space. We dont share each other like we should be able to out of respect to the people we live with. I hate it. I hate it more then I hate anything in the entire world. I would rather just elope and forget about the wedding then go one more day without having our own place. No beautiful dress...No reception with all of our friends and family...Just a place to call our own. 

And then there are other things that are just ripping me up. Like the fact that I still have a fine that I have to pay to unsuspend my driver's license. Or the fact that I can't have my own car.... so I have to rot in this house when I'm not working. I would rather work every day of the week, all day, then to sit in this house, alone. 

So, what do I do? How else do I spread myself any thinner? Do I ask Adam to postpone the wedding longer so I don't have to stress about trying to pay for everything? Do I look elsewhere, like, out of state for a place for us to live because we obviously can not afford to live in New York without having  a bunch of room mates? Do I sell all of my belongings so I can make ends meet? Do I postpone finishing school until next year so I can work another full time job? Do I try to take out a loan so we can just pay for everything all at once, get out of debt, and worry about paying it back over time? Is it possible to sell a kidney for cash? Or sell some of my eggs for a couple grand? Yes, friends....That's what it feels like it's come to. 

I feel like, the more I think about this stuff...the more depressed I become...And I feel like I cant seek comfort from anywhere. I just swallow it all down, like a bitter bite of cake. I let it fester and scab over...And then one afternoon, the scab falls off and it all comes rushing back to me. And BAM....seriously depressed.

I feel like I cry, a LOT more then I should. 

I just dont want to live my life with regrets. I dont want to live my life, having nothing. 

Why is it do hard for me to have a happy ending? Why have I always lived in suffering? My entire life, has been nothing but suffering. Will it be this year that I can start putting one foot in front of the other? Will it be this year that my desires start to become a reality? Or, like I said...will I always be incomplete, wishing for just a few more days to do something more with the life I was given?

As the clock counts down, 

-J.C.

Selfishness Times Infinity

This is just going to be a ridiculous fucking rant about something thats really really bothering me, and I am sorry to bore the shit out everyone, but I have to just get it out. 

Past couple of weeks, I have been slowly buying things for the wedding. Little things, like ribbon and table scatter and some bigger things like the glass vases for the center pieces. I also purchased a veil. Well, when the veil arrived at the house, I was so excited and took it out for mom and Garrett to see, and I went to go show my sister, Amanda, because A- she is my sister and B- she is also one of my bridesmaids....All she said to me was, "I dont want to see your fucking veil." Ooook. So I blew it off as she was just being cranky.

Then the other day, I asked her straight out if she was still wanting to be in the wedding...and all she had to do was run her mouth about how unhappy I am going to be once I am married and blah blah blah. So, once again, I let it go. 

Then yesterday, I showed her the dresses that I picked for my bridesmaids to wear and she says to me, "Those are fucking ugly. I'm not wearing that." First off, the dresses arent ugly at ALL. They are very romantic and elegant. Second of all, why the fuck cant she just be happy for me, and support me and TRY to act interested because she is my SISTER and loves me? 

Is that too much to ask for? Is a little support too much to ask for? She is entitled to her opinion, but seriously, come on...every little thing out of her mouth is negative and I am so sick and fucking tired of feeling like shit because she has something to say. 

And then she passed a comment about how she would be a bridesmaid in my next wedding.

I know you all are going to say something along the lines of...dont worry about her and just do for you.....but truth be told, I want, more then anything, for her to be a part of this with me.

I am to the point where I just want to give up and let her say and do as she please, because if any of you know my sister, you'll know that she doesn't break on her "opinion." If this is the way she is going to be, then I guess she isnt going to be a part of the wedding and honestly, I dont want to be surrounded by her negativity and her rotten attitude. So if that is what she wants, she wont be welcome to the wedding at ALL. 

She wants to act like a child...she is going to be treated as such. 

It just seriously fucking stresses me out and absolutely breaks my heart that she isnt even willing to shut up and bite the bullet and do this for me. I dont ask her for anything...And I guess I should have expected this, because this is just the way she is. I should have never even asked her to be in the wedding. I should have known better. 

But I thought, just for once, that she would be happy for me. I thought, maybe...just once...she could control her attitude and think of someone other then herself...........just once.

I guess I thought wrong. 

Trying to control my nerves,

-J.C.

Teal Lipstain Or Am I Just Frozen?

Another long day at work...and all I want to do is shower and sleep. I don't even need food tonight...just comfort. Just want to be held as I drift into a sleep...

A sleep that is fitful and broken...Like it has been for months. I wake up a million times a night...and I toss and turn through out because for some reason, my dreams have been like waking up in a fit of despair and not knowing where you are. They are like, opening your eyes for the first time and all your familiarity is completely turned upside down. Nothing is what it seems.

I think I might start taking sleeping pills again, just so I can sleep straight through and have dreamless nights.

And the migraines are getting progressively worse. They are almost everyday even though I am very good at hiding how much pain I am in. My shoulder has been nothing but anguish...It feels like it's burning...Like there is a fire inside of it. 

On a lighter note, I got another wedding package today in the mail. It's the little sparkly scatter pieces for the tables. That means there is only a few more things that I need to get for them! And then I have to figure out favors (urghhhh) and still find a unity candle that Adam and I both actually like and a cake server/knife set that isnt effin tacky. As fun as the planning and deciding is...I really just can't wait until it's over. Tomorrow, it will be exactly 9 months until the wedding. I have 9 months left....to buy everything, sell the dress that I hate on eBay, find a new dress, get all my bridesmaids on the same page and have them order their dresses, figure out the linen and china rentals, buy a chocolate fondue fountain, figure out the flowers and make the bouquets and boutonnieres for the boys when it's time and Adam has to find a bakery or whatever to do the cake...Arghhhh.   

Can we just skip to September 14th 2012? And everything is done.....please? I wish I would win the lotto...then I could just hire a wedding planner and have them do all the above, with no budget...Just go all out. 

Sigh.....if only.

Anyway, I guess that is enough out of me tonight. Tomorrow is my final day of work....and then I can have off for ONE WHOLE DAY on Friday...And then back to the grindstone for a 20 hour work weekend....Awesomeeee. 

-.-

Setting fire to the rain, 

-.J.C.

My Glasses Are Smudged & My Coffee Is Cold

But I have been breathing. Deep Shallow breaths...But I am alive. 

The time of year has come again...the Christmas tree is standing and sparkling in the living room, all the presents are wrapped and embrace the tree with their cheerful colors, and everyone seems to have lost their fucking minds. Everywhere I go, people look stressed out...or maybe it's because they havent slept enough....I see it everyday while I am working. This season is NOT supposed to have that kind of overwhelmed feeling. Its supposed to be full of joy...happiness....What is wrong with people? 

But on a different note, It has been a little while since I have written anything. I guess I should update? 

I got a promotion at work. They asked me to be a key holder...This means I would have to learn all of the opening paper work, open the store alone at 4:30 AM every other weekend and control the flow of things beings I would be the only "MOD" most mornings. Also, I will be going back to school to get my Nursing degree sometime this winter. Adam thinks I shouldn't take this promotion beings the raise is only going to bring my hourly pay close to 10$ and because my stress level about my job is off the charts now, he believes that once I start school again, I am not going to want to be bothered with the managerial duties at work. It's just too much stress he told me. 

And truth be told....It would be absolutely ridiculous with the amount of stress I would be feeling. BUT...I believe that if I take this promotion now, finish school and clinicals, I can be making Ok money while I look for a hospital that will accept my application for employment. 

I just want the best for our future. I want to do anything and everything I can so I can to prove to the world that I deserve the best. If a little bit more stress is the only bad that will come out of  having a better life....then so be it. I am young and strong...I can do this. I deserve this. I have struggled my ENTIRE life...what's a bit more struggling, knowing that at the end of it....I will be greatly rewarded? Point proven. 

Also, I have been slowly buying things for the wedding...Little bit here, little bit there...Because that is the way I have to do it. I dont have anyone that is going to help Adam and I have a beautiful wedding, so we have to do it ourselves completely and fully. It's making me more and more excited as each package arrives at the house. And as they arrive, I begin thinking to myself...This is really going to happen and its going to be beautiful. These little packages are more motivation for me to take this promotion and go to school at the same time....stress or not, This is just one of those things that I just have to do.

I am so0o tired of having a lackluster life. I want to sparkle and shine. I want to be the very very best that I can be. I want to be able to provide for the family I crave to have. 

And just knowing, when I write a blog this close to Christmas next year.....I will be a Wife. 

And just thinking that....My chest explodes with butterflies. 

Settling down into the silence of the snow in The Elsewhere, 

-J.C.

Yearly Cycle

It is officially Thanksgiving, so that means its another addition of what J.C. is thankful for...

I am pretty sure I could go back through all of my old articles from the same date, from years and years ago...and I could most likely just copy and paste the exact things here....and make it "new and improved."

Everything is almost exactly the same. 

I am older...Slightly wiser i suppose...

But here goes with what exactly I am thankful for. 

I am thankful for my family...even though most of the time I just want to choke the living shit out of them. 

I am thankful for the minimal amount of friends I have. I dont see them often, but that one special day a month is one that I cherish and that I am thankful for so much. 

I am thankful to have a job. A shitty, poor excuse for a job....but its a job. The pay checks allow me to eat and save for the things I so very much desire. 

I am thankful for living in NY....the one place that I love and would die without....even though 99% of the time, I feel as if it is sucking my soul out of me. But I get to be near my sister....who I am thankful for, even if she is a little dick...I still would lay my very life down for her.

I am thankful to have Adam in my life. He is a wonderful breath of fresh air...Even though its impossible to live together right now...and I HATE HATE HATE HATE it with every part of me, and sometimes it makes me so frustrated and so mad that I destroy things....I am still thankful and blessed to have him. My life wouldnt be the same this year, if we werent together. If a life is even what you would have been able to call it. He is the REAL reason I am thankful for anything during this turn of the year. 

I am thankful to be having dinner with some of the people I care so much about...And I am thankful to have my Uncle Bill.... so thankful for him, that I am going to ask him to give me away, at the wedding, when he gets here tomorrow. 

I am thankful for publishing my book. Even though I am a super procrastinator with the second part of it, and the people who enjoy my stories are getting anxious. 

I am superrr thankful for all the people that actually read the shit that I put into text. (Eryn....Lauren....Chelsie....you know who you are) 

I am thankful for being able to breathe fresh air in the morning...and to have a hot cup of coffee...I am thankful for having this laptop to spill my thoughts into...without it, how would you all read my nonsense? (ha!)

I am thankful for the people who are a part of my life in some strange tie or another...We all know how difficult I am...and I am thankful you stay such a strong piece of the connection we have. 

I am thankful for being able to listen to music....not everyone has music they can listen to...and my selection of music kind of breathes life into me. 

I am thankful for having 2 legs to walk on...not everyone has that either. 

I am thankful for not being blind...I am very fortunate to be able to see the colors of the world.

I am thankful for having my ears....some people cant hear how the wind goes through the trees.

I am thankful for being able to pick up a phone to call my Grandmother...who is many miles away. 

I guess with this turn of year....I have a lot to be thankful for. Even if everything isnt exactly up to par....I still have many things that other people dont have. I am thankful for being born into the life I live...

I am so very thankful for being me. 

Until this exact time next year, 

-J.C.

My Sims Life Is More Fun To Live

I live such a boring fucking life. I seriously do. And it's getting to the point to where if something awesomely drastic doesnt happen, I am going to fucking snap and lose my shit on someone. I am so sick of the same bullshit. The same mediocre shit. Same shitty job, same shitty house, same shitty people, same shitty worthlessness. 

Same fucking routine......over and over and over. 

What is the next step in life? Where do I fucking go from here? Whats next?? What do I do with myself now? 

I am 25 years old and I still feel like I have the life of a 18 year old because the things that normal 25 year olds have, I dont have. And to me, thats a fucking problem. EVERY single one of the kids I went to high school with are married, have kids or are pregnant and expecting kids, have beautiful places to live...

All I have are fucking dreams and journal entries.

I am chomping on the bit to be a REAL fucking person. A wife. A mother. An entrepreneur. Fucking happy for ONCE in my life. And everyone and everything in my life is holding me back. I have my entire life on HOLD waiting for something to happen...Waiting for a decision or an escape. Something that will clear my head and make me smile. I want the "grown up things" so bad. I am not getting any younger. It is time to progress with life and stop doing childish, immature things. And I am getting so fucking frustrated that everything is at a stand still.....and I'm almost to the point of being fed up with it. 

Sweet moon, I am so fucking pissed off today. I should probably just go back to bed so I don't say the wrong things to people.

Trying not to breathe this stagnant air, 

-J.C.