Stumbling Down The Path Of Yesterday

I have been thinking about a lot today. Just dealing with a lot with moving forward on this journey of becoming a Mom, I guess. 

There is a song that resonates in my mind when I think about my past. 

"What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold"

I know there are some people in my past that I was completely and utterly shitty to. But then again, there are people that I have known...that deserve more then a little bit of the Chaos I put out. 

They deserved more then the cup of bleach I poured them from pretty tea pots. 

I remember a room that I was painting a powder blue...and standing on a ladder trying to reach the ceiling... and all I thought about was my future. How shiny I could make it...all the dreams I had and all the desires I felt inside of me. I felt as if I opened my mouth, the entire universe would spill out. I was a new born just starting to crawl. 

I gave up a lot over the years. I let go of some dreams...I opened my hands and they just poured out of my palms. I would have followed them anywhere...through darkness....through light....through the storms.

I learned how to bridge a deck of cards in a storm once. 

I always thought I could be anything I wanted, if I put my mind to it. This has been the hardest thing I had to learn....that there are certain things that I would never be able to control.

A small hand holding mine, looking up to me with bright eyes full of wonder....

"Mommy...tell me the story again.....Tell me how you and Daddy fell in love....."

I need to fulfill the starvation my dreams have caused me....so I can learn the meaning of the sun. 

I apologize for the breaking of stars....

Stumbling hard,

-J.C.