Saturday, February 25, 2012

Chartreuse Lace Around Her Throat

Once again my days have passed into weeks. 

Sometimes I wonder if I have long since forgotten who I am. Everything seems like such a blur when I try to think about my past. I wonder if I miss it...or I am just hoping for more of a future.

 I am so tired of waiting and putting my life on hold. I just want everything to begin. Something magical perhaps....Actually, you know what? I dont even need magical...I want something real. Something that feels like home. Something I dont dread coming to...I dont want to cry myself to sleep anymore. I dont want to spend days and nights alone anymore. I dont want to have to wonder what it would be like to have my own space. I dont want to have to try to imagine what it will feel like to be complete. 

I am just sick of feeling so stuck. Like, I am waiting for this huge, amazing thing to happen and then it never does. I dont want to hurt anymore. I dont want to feel like nothing is going to get better. I dont want to feel like I am the only one trying. 

I have always heard, be grateful for what you have because just when you think it's bad, just know that someone has it worse. 
Ya know what, people may have it worse...there are some people in the world that dont even have a place to lay their head at night, let alone their own apartment. 
I try to be grateful. I try to respect and love everything I have....but when this bright future, full of wonderful promises of everything you have ever wished for is dangled in front of your face...then pulled away from you because of a minor bump in the fucking hurts. It aches. It rips you apart and you feel like you want to hurt someone or destroy something.

And that is how I feel right now. 

Shredding the hands that try to contain me,