I Must Be The Asshole Here

I have always tried to be someone who watched out for others…tried to be the one that people could go to. But eventually, even if you give your everything, you always end up getting shit on. I have never felt so much hurt from one person as I have last month.  It’s been like; everything flipped over and was stepped on and destroyed, in one instant. But even though, I continue trying…either to make conversation or whatever the case may be, it isn’t enough. It never will be enough. It makes me wonder if it was EVER enough. I am done trying. I am moving onward with my life now…No more allowing myself to get hurt over and over and punished over and over. I tried, so now I will bow out with grace and honor because that’s what I have. Not playing these games with people anymore. Not playing the he said she said, what goes around comes around nonsense anymore. You don’t want to include me in your life, than I am done including you in mine. Done.

And like I said, moving on…….

Wedding is in 5 months!  157 days actually!!! Gah! I can’t believe it is almost here. I have been working so hard to get everything ready and done. There is still SOO much stuff that we have to do.  But everyone keeps telling me one thing at a time. I would be able to take on one thing at a time if people would stop dicking around. I would be able to do things, one at a time, if the people who are SUPPOSED to be helping me…were around. The biggest obstacle hasn’t been planning or coming up with ideas for things. The biggest challenge has been trying to get all of the bridesmaids on the same page. It is been an issue trying to hang out with these girls. I have seen Shana once since we started planning stuff. I haven’t seen Amanda, since the dress measurements. Bethany started a new job that she travels for…Dawn, well…she is around lol.   Aja isn’t even an issue anymore because she bailed out of the wedding.  I don’t understand why it is SO hard to get people to want to see me, do things for this wedding that THEY said yes to being in,  Or whatever the fuck. I am getting soooo irritated by everyone that it has gotten to the point where I feel like I don’t need to involve anyone in anything regarding this wedding anymore. I will and probably could just do it myself.

But If I cut people out….I am being the selfish one. I am being the bridezilla and I am pushing everyone away……     –rolls eyes-     It never fucking ends.

Wish someone would just make this shit a little easier.

Waiting on some answers,

-J.C.

Forced Fragility Turned Fire Flight

Months have flew by, again. Just flew. Where did the time go? I feel like I have been holding my breath all this time. Have I just been frozen in time.... like the days have become?  I am getting sick of this weather by the way. I miss the green in my Elsewhere. 

A lot has happened...........................

Was I sacrificing myself for someone who wasnt worth my sorrow? Was I crying for someone who didnt deserve my tears? Was I always bleeding for someone who didnt want my blood? ....I was.....So much for living for someone who wasnt even living for themselves. It felt like all of my bones were broken...He was turning all of my dreams to dust. It was like, he didnt believe in the places I went to when I was sleeping or writing....It felt like he was devouring my soul.....Was Adam doing those things to me on purpose? Was he slowly trying to kill me or was he waiting for me to take my own life. He almost won. He almost had my blood on his hands. I almost did it. Almost went for a very cold, very dark swim. I cant believe I havent admitted that, until just now. Please dont judge me. Please dont hate me for almost making that choice. It is just easier to run.......I would have taken all that shame to my grave.

So much has changed over the past 9 months. I am no longer beaten down and bruised.

I had a strange journey down a path that I tucked into the back of my mind for almost a decade. I was lost. Screaming. He found me. Again. He pulled me into his arms on one dark spring night and held me. Close. I looked up into his eyes, the eyes I have always know...and I felt safe. He is real. I was shown the way to live. After all this time, I am able to sleep at night. The Dreams only plagued me every so often. Maybe I am not as broken as I always thought, or maybe I just was able to be fixed. I believe in the Elsewhere again. I believe that I am worth everything that Erich gives me. Why did I wait so long? Why couldnt I get off of my knees? Why couldnt I find the way to breathe sooner?? I am not perfect....but in His eyes, I am. He is the one that has always caught all of my tears. The reason has always been Him. But I was bound. Wrapped into something I never ever want to feel again. 

I didnt replace anything if thats what you are wondering. There isnt a way to "replace" something that was always there. Nothing was able to keep us away from each other and thats all that matters. No one ever could take away what we have always had. I was just filling in the void when He wasnt able to wrap me into his world. It took so long. I waited for a long time. I cried, a lot. but just knowing that he will always be there when my next chapter begins....it is a feeling that I wish everyone can feel one day. 

Satisfied. Happy. The first time I have felt alive.....in years.

And in only a few short months, I will be walking down an aisle to meet Him in matrimony...I am going to grant Him my body and soul.....I will take His last name and honor it with everything that I have inside of me.....I will give Him my vows that will last a lifetime. I should have done this years ago. But I find it absolutely amazing that we basically picked up right where we left off. He fell in love with me once......and then, 10 years later....He did it again. He woke me up. Saved me.  

From myself. 

And for that I owe Him my life.

I love you. Until the last beat of my heart.

Until next time, 

-J.C.