Sunday, December 18, 2011

Selfishness Times Infinity

This is just going to be a ridiculous fucking rant about something thats really really bothering me, and I am sorry to bore the shit out everyone, but I have to just get it out. 

Past couple of weeks, I have been slowly buying things for the wedding. Little things, like ribbon and table scatter and some bigger things like the glass vases for the center pieces. I also purchased a veil. Well, when the veil arrived at the house, I was so excited and took it out for mom and Garrett to see, and I went to go show my sister, Amanda, because A- she is my sister and B- she is also one of my bridesmaids....All she said to me was, "I dont want to see your fucking veil." Ooook. So I blew it off as she was just being cranky.

Then the other day, I asked her straight out if she was still wanting to be in the wedding...and all she had to do was run her mouth about how unhappy I am going to be once I am married and blah blah blah. So, once again, I let it go. 

Then yesterday, I showed her the dresses that I picked for my bridesmaids to wear and she says to me, "Those are fucking ugly. I'm not wearing that." First off, the dresses arent ugly at ALL. They are very romantic and elegant. Second of all, why the fuck cant she just be happy for me, and support me and TRY to act interested because she is my SISTER and loves me? 

Is that too much to ask for? Is a little support too much to ask for? She is entitled to her opinion, but seriously, come on...every little thing out of her mouth is negative and I am so sick and fucking tired of feeling like shit because she has something to say. 

And then she passed a comment about how she would be a bridesmaid in my next wedding.

I know you all are going to say something along the lines of...dont worry about her and just do for you.....but truth be told, I want, more then anything, for her to be a part of this with me.

I am to the point where I just want to give up and let her say and do as she please, because if any of you know my sister, you'll know that she doesn't break on her "opinion." If this is the way she is going to be, then I guess she isnt going to be a part of the wedding and honestly, I dont want to be surrounded by her negativity and her rotten attitude. So if that is what she wants, she wont be welcome to the wedding at ALL. 

She wants to act like a child...she is going to be treated as such. 

It just seriously fucking stresses me out and absolutely breaks my heart that she isnt even willing to shut up and bite the bullet and do this for me. I dont ask her for anything...And I guess I should have expected this, because this is just the way she is. I should have never even asked her to be in the wedding. I should have known better. 

But I thought, just for once, that she would be happy for me. I thought, maybe...just once...she could control her attitude and think of someone other then herself...........just once.

I guess I thought wrong. 

Trying to control my nerves,

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Teal Lipstain Or Am I Just Frozen?

Another long day at work...and all I want to do is shower and sleep. I don't even need food tonight...just comfort. Just want to be held as I drift into a sleep...
A sleep that is fitful and broken...Like it has been for months. I wake up a million times a night...and I toss and turn through out because for some reason, my dreams have been like waking up in a fit of despair and not knowing where you are. They are like, opening your eyes for the first time and all your familiarity is completely turned upside down. Nothing is what it seems.

I think I might start taking sleeping pills again, just so I can sleep straight through and have dreamless nights.

And the migraines are getting progressively worse. They are almost everyday even though I am very good at hiding how much pain I am in. My shoulder has been nothing but anguish...It feels like it's burning...Like there is a fire inside of it. 

On a lighter note, I got another wedding package today in the mail. It's the little sparkly scatter pieces for the tables. That means there is only a few more things that I need to get for them! And then I have to figure out favors (urghhhh) and still find a unity candle that Adam and I both actually like and a cake server/knife set that isnt effin tacky. As fun as the planning and deciding is...I really just can't wait until it's over. Tomorrow, it will be exactly 9 months until the wedding. I have 9 months buy everything, sell the dress that I hate on eBay, find a new dress, get all my bridesmaids on the same page and have them order their dresses, figure out the linen and china rentals, buy a chocolate fondue fountain, figure out the flowers and make the bouquets and boutonnieres for the boys when it's time and Adam has to find a bakery or whatever to do the cake...Arghhhh.   

Can we just skip to September 14th 2012? And everything is done.....please? I wish I would win the lotto...then I could just hire a wedding planner and have them do all the above, with no budget...Just go all out. 

Sigh.....if only.

Anyway, I guess that is enough out of me tonight. Tomorrow is my final day of work....and then I can have off for ONE WHOLE DAY on Friday...And then back to the grindstone for a 20 hour work weekend....Awesomeeee. 


Setting fire to the rain, 

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

My Glasses Are Smudged & My Coffee Is Cold

But I have been breathing. Deep Shallow breaths...But I am alive. 

The time of year has come again...the Christmas tree is standing and sparkling in the living room, all the presents are wrapped and embrace the tree with their cheerful colors, and everyone seems to have lost their fucking minds. Everywhere I go, people look stressed out...or maybe it's because they havent slept enough....I see it everyday while I am working. This season is NOT supposed to have that kind of overwhelmed feeling. Its supposed to be full of joy...happiness....What is wrong with people? 

But on a different note, It has been a little while since I have written anything. I guess I should update? 
I got a promotion at work. They asked me to be a key holder...This means I would have to learn all of the opening paper work, open the store alone at 4:30 AM every other weekend and control the flow of things beings I would be the only "MOD" most mornings. Also, I will be going back to school to get my Nursing degree sometime this winter. Adam thinks I shouldn't take this promotion beings the raise is only going to bring my hourly pay close to 10$ and because my stress level about my job is off the charts now, he believes that once I start school again, I am not going to want to be bothered with the managerial duties at work. It's just too much stress he told me. 
And truth be told....It would be absolutely ridiculous with the amount of stress I would be feeling. BUT...I believe that if I take this promotion now, finish school and clinicals, I can be making Ok money while I look for a hospital that will accept my application for employment. 

I just want the best for our future. I want to do anything and everything I can so I can to prove to the world that I deserve the best. If a little bit more stress is the only bad that will come out of  having a better life....then so be it. I am young and strong...I can do this. I deserve this. I have struggled my ENTIRE life...what's a bit more struggling, knowing that at the end of it....I will be greatly rewarded? Point proven. 

Also, I have been slowly buying things for the wedding...Little bit here, little bit there...Because that is the way I have to do it. I dont have anyone that is going to help Adam and I have a beautiful wedding, so we have to do it ourselves completely and fully. It's making me more and more excited as each package arrives at the house. And as they arrive, I begin thinking to myself...This is really going to happen and its going to be beautiful. These little packages are more motivation for me to take this promotion and go to school at the same time....stress or not, This is just one of those things that I just have to do.

I am so0o tired of having a lackluster life. I want to sparkle and shine. I want to be the very very best that I can be. I want to be able to provide for the family I crave to have. 

And just knowing, when I write a blog this close to Christmas next year.....I will be a Wife. 

And just thinking that....My chest explodes with butterflies. 

Settling down into the silence of the snow in The Elsewhere, 

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Yearly Cycle

It is officially Thanksgiving, so that means its another addition of what J.C. is thankful for...

I am pretty sure I could go back through all of my old articles from the same date, from years and years ago...and I could most likely just copy and paste the exact things here....and make it "new and improved."

Everything is almost exactly the same. 

I am older...Slightly wiser i suppose...

But here goes with what exactly I am thankful for. 

I am thankful for my family...even though most of the time I just want to choke the living shit out of them. 
I am thankful for the minimal amount of friends I have. I dont see them often, but that one special day a month is one that I cherish and that I am thankful for so much. 
I am thankful to have a job. A shitty, poor excuse for a job....but its a job. The pay checks allow me to eat and save for the things I so very much desire. 
I am thankful for living in NY....the one place that I love and would die without....even though 99% of the time, I feel as if it is sucking my soul out of me. But I get to be near my sister....who I am thankful for, even if she is a little dick...I still would lay my very life down for her.
I am thankful to have Adam in my life. He is a wonderful breath of fresh air...Even though its impossible to live together right now...and I HATE HATE HATE HATE it with every part of me, and sometimes it makes me so frustrated and so mad that I destroy things....I am still thankful and blessed to have him. My life wouldnt be the same this year, if we werent together. If a life is even what you would have been able to call it. He is the REAL reason I am thankful for anything during this turn of the year. 
I am thankful to be having dinner with some of the people I care so much about...And I am thankful to have my Uncle Bill.... so thankful for him, that I am going to ask him to give me away, at the wedding, when he gets here tomorrow. 
I am thankful for publishing my book. Even though I am a super procrastinator with the second part of it, and the people who enjoy my stories are getting anxious. 
I am superrr thankful for all the people that actually read the shit that I put into text. ( know who you are) 

I am thankful for being able to breathe fresh air in the morning...and to have a hot cup of coffee...I am thankful for having this laptop to spill my thoughts into...without it, how would you all read my nonsense? (ha!)
I am thankful for the people who are a part of my life in some strange tie or another...We all know how difficult I am...and I am thankful you stay such a strong piece of the connection we have. 
I am thankful for being able to listen to music....not everyone has music they can listen to...and my selection of music kind of breathes life into me. 
I am thankful for having 2 legs to walk on...not everyone has that either. 
I am thankful for not being blind...I am very fortunate to be able to see the colors of the world.
I am thankful for having my ears....some people cant hear how the wind goes through the trees.
I am thankful for being able to pick up a phone to call my Grandmother...who is many miles away. 
I guess with this turn of year....I have a lot to be thankful for. Even if everything isnt exactly up to par....I still have many things that other people dont have. I am thankful for being born into the life I live...

I am so very thankful for being me. 

Until this exact time next year, 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

My Sims Life Is More Fun To Live

I live such a boring fucking life. I seriously do. And it's getting to the point to where if something awesomely drastic doesnt happen, I am going to fucking snap and lose my shit on someone. I am so sick of the same bullshit. The same mediocre shit. Same shitty job, same shitty house, same shitty people, same shitty worthlessness. 

Same fucking routine......over and over and over. 

What is the next step in life? Where do I fucking go from here? Whats next?? What do I do with myself now? 

I am 25 years old and I still feel like I have the life of a 18 year old because the things that normal 25 year olds have, I dont have. And to me, thats a fucking problem. EVERY single one of the kids I went to high school with are married, have kids or are pregnant and expecting kids, have beautiful places to live...

All I have are fucking dreams and journal entries.

I am chomping on the bit to be a REAL fucking person. A wife. A mother. An entrepreneur. Fucking happy for ONCE in my life. And everyone and everything in my life is holding me back. I have my entire life on HOLD waiting for something to happen...Waiting for a decision or an escape. Something that will clear my head and make me smile. I want the "grown up things" so bad. I am not getting any younger. It is time to progress with life and stop doing childish, immature things. And I am getting so fucking frustrated that everything is at a stand still.....and I'm almost to the point of being fed up with it. 

Sweet moon, I am so fucking pissed off today. I should probably just go back to bed so I don't say the wrong things to people.

Trying not to breathe this stagnant air, 

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Lack Of Vocal Chords & An Empty Cut For A Mouth

Something is wrong...And something has been wrong for many moons. I cant help it that I am sad....I cant help it that I am depressed. Look around me...Youll see why. 

They keep telling me to stand my ground. But I cant stand on my own feet let alone stand my ground. I have constant migraines because I am so stressed out about so many things. There is so much static in my head and thats probably why I cant sleep and when i DO fall asleep, I jump wide awake...I am scared to just rest. 

There is just too many things that frighten me lately....Theres actual chills that go down my spine. My dreams are one of those things. I am so afraid to see what waits for me behind my closed eyes. Gnarled fingers with razor sharp nails, blood red eyes peering into my soul, and bared teeth with flesh ribbons hanging from them. I know I am not a little girl anymore....I know I shouldnt be afraid of monsters...but when the demon lives within you....thats when you should start fearing.

I dont want to walk down this road alone anymore. I need help. I need a hand to grab me from out of the dark water that I am drowning in. Everything hurts. I hurt. CAN YOU HEAR ME? I hurt. I close my eyes, because the tears burn...and i see myself, laying in the dirt, blood pouring from my mouth...thick and deep crimson. My heart laying next to me in a heap of decaying muscle. 

Is there something wrong with me? Youre broken.
Why cant I stop seeing these images? Thats what your future holds. 

My eyes are burning but I know what bed time holds for me. 
Maybe my tears will drown me tonight.

 Please stop trying to bury me alive,

Thursday, November 3, 2011

A TAIL Of Two Puppies

I was reading through some blog postings of a blog that I recently started following. Its the life of a pug and its as if he narrates the bloggings. I thought it was absolutely adorable...and it kind of helped me learn a little bit about Chopper. So far I learned that its not just my pug thats a spaz. Apparently, all pug puppies are nuts and they stay in this "puppyhood" phase for about 2 years. All i could think after reading that was....greaaattttt....Chopper is a lunatic...and this wont stop for about 2 whole years. Oh sweet moon. 

He is always nibbling on everything...the couch cushions, the wooden chair legs, shoe laces, chunks of wood from the fireplace, my damn feet....And no matter how many times i yell "NO!" he just goes right back to it... -rolls eyes- 

I dont remember Nashi being this difficult with learning commands. She was so quick and so smart...she learned all her silly dog tricks so fast...Yeah, granted, the potty training took a little bit and sometimes theres still accidents with her, but for the most part....shes perfect. Like, I can open the front door and let her go outside, no collar or leash, and she will go do her business and as soon as I call her, she comes right back to the door. Chopper on the other hand finds things to play with while hes outside, and he does other things other then go potty. Like, eat snow, chew flowers, play in the takes him forever to just pee....I dont understand....Dude, if you have to go, just GO! And while hes outside, on his leash because he will chase after the cat....he will pull and try to get out of it...-sigh-

But after all, he is only 4 months old...He has a lot of growing and learning and he will get the hang of how we run the house...I am hoping that he will kind of SEE how things are supposed to be done because Nashi will lead by example....I hope. -.- 

I guess I will keep everyone updated on the progress of things with the new puppy. I am just glad that Nashi has ALMOST accepted him...she hasnt been growling and snipping at him as much as she did when he first moved in last week. But, he is very entertaining and loving...even if he does bite my toes while I am trying to sleep. 

Much love, 

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Both Her Wrists Are Bruised

Once again, it is another turn of month. October slid right into November...Samhain wasnt as fabulous as it has been previous years. I guess my theory of, when you get older things become less interesting, is getting more true as time passes.

I have been job searching again. Looking for something more, that will give me some extra cash in the pocket...extra cash that can be saved for the things that need to be taken care of. Things that I have talked about over and over...and it feels like I am just beating a dead horse, so I might as well not even mention it. 

My patience are being worn to the tiny last fiber. 

So this weekend, I am attending the TerrorDome Staff Party...and after that, I am quitting smoking. It's just another useless, frivolous thing that I can stop. There is no need to spend 10$ per pack of cigarettes, 5 or 6 times a week. Another sacrifice I am going to make to try harder to have a successful future. I want it so bad...So I will give up everything in order to get things rolling.Time to stop sticking my big toe in the water to test it....It's time to just jump in. 

I really need to stop banging my wrists against the side of tables. It's starting to hurt. But it's the only thing that keeps me occupied right now. It keeps me from biting my fingers until they are bloody.

With water in my lungs, 

Sunday, October 23, 2011

It's Under My Skin

I have been meaning to do a video blog, since it's been forever...(as usual) but since I just showered all of the makeup from TerrorDome off, my face is red and, written (typed) blog it is for tonight!!

There is something that has been completely under my skin, and I swear...I am going to, for REAL, bounce someone's head off the wall any second now...

Here goes...

Many moons ago, I was friends with this girl...She was my BEST friend. I taught her so many things about the acting and makeup world. I told her all of my little secrets to keeping stage makeup looking wonderful, how to make a smokey eye illuminate, how to make your skin look like its peeling with latex, how to fade colors to make a realistic bruise, how to shape wax to make prosthetic bullet holes, how to make brain matter out of a sponge and on and so forth. I introduced her to the wonderful world of Seasonal Acting...brought her on as my semi torch carrier for TD...

Then shit blew up, she became the biggest fucking pain in the ass....a lot of crazy shit went down....Long story short, the friendship died. Completely and utterly vanished. Sometimes, I miss the shit out of her. Like, to the point where I just want to call her and be like, "Yo, come over...I have to show you this disgusting piece I just made out of latex and paper towels." But, like I said, the friendship is dead. 

But anyway...(This is where I start bitching....)

I saw a comment on a photo of hers...About how her makeup looks amazing and blahblah.....Bitch, she's using MY makeup tricks to make people think she is some sort of gore designing demigoddess. Yeah, not really. Last time I checked, I took the Makeup classes in college...and im the one that designed all of the techniques you are now claiming as your own. Ugh.

Why can't people just get over themselves? Seriously...If I was her, and someone was like, Your makeup looks sublime....I'd be like, "thanks...some cunt showed me how to do shit like this a long ass time ago"....I wouldnt take ALL the damn credit. News flash....You're a fucking FAKE. 

But whatever....I just wanted to get some of this rage out of me before I went to bed. I feel like if I didnt, i would be killing people in my dreams again....and after all the blood I saw tonight, while i was doing what I do best; insulting people, making them piss their pants and cry...I would rather have dreams of something else. 

But I love you all....and I promise a video blog sooner or later...

Have sweet dreams, Dear Ones,

Friday, October 14, 2011

Nonsense And Lemonade

It's been a few moons since I actually had any thing to talk about...And truth be told, I really dont have much to say right now...Just some blah blah blah that's been on my mind. 

First of all, even though none of what I am about to say is ANY of my business.....Butttt....first of all...Would any of you date an ex? Or even better....would you remarry your ex husband? Knowing everything that you do now about your ex...and how or why it ended...would you go back and do it all over again? I know i wouldn't...I wouldn't give that even a second thought. Not just because I am happily engaged to an amazing man...but because it isn't worth the shit that I had to go through. I think anyone of you can agree...

Now, another question...Do any of you think that if the woman gets pregnant...that its a guarantee your man is going to stay with you? My answer? Not at all.There is nothing binding him to the woman except child support...Some men who leave the woman dont even have anything to do with their children. But I guess that separates the men from pigs, huh? But anyway...just because you love your child, doesnt mean you have to love their mother....right? Exactly.

I just find it ridiculously amusing that some women actually CHOOSE to be treated like shit and CHOOSE to have a baby with the man who wouldn't give two fucks whether or not you stay or go and CHOOSE to stay with the guy, whose cheating on her...just because "its the father of my baby" me...I have seen it all before. I have had to pick up the pieces of my friends' broken hearts because they opted to get involved with someone who didn't even have enough courtesy to not smoke pot in the house while their new born is in the next room, asleep. Some people are just that fucked up. And if you are choosing to live your life that way...then maybe you are just as fucked up...

I know for a fact that if Adam came into the house with a lit cigarette, while our new born was in the same house, I would put my foot right up his ass, and he knows it! And honestly...if the relationship wasn't working out between us, he didn't want to be in our relationship anymore...BUT still wanted to be in his babies life...then by all means...But i wouldn't just try to "stay together for the kids." Especially if everything was crazy shitty and what have you. 

Why is it that women can't be stronger? (I know some seriously strong women that would cut someone if any of the above shit went down.) Why can't women think for themselves? Why do they feel like they need a man to complete them? My Mama raised me all by herself....and look....I am a strong and confident person with a huge heart...

Now I'm not saying I don't need my fiance...I do need him...I need him in many ways...but if it came down to the point where my life or my child's life was threatened because of the fucked up things he was doing...(IE: treating me like shit or blatantly cheating) then out the fucking door he goes! 

I dont know...This really doesnt have anything to do with anything...It's just something that I thought about this afternoon after I read something that a friend of mine posted on Facebook. 

But I suppose, when life gives you lemons....You should just make some lemonade....But what if life doesn't give you sugar for said lemonade? Then you have some tart as fuck, nasty lemonade that you have to choke down...

That is enough out of me tonight...

Biting lemons, 

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I Walked With You Once Upon A Dream

The night glittered all around us, as the autumn leaves rustled in the breeze. The moon was so big that it illuminated everything around us. 

"You know, we shouldn't be seeing each other." You said. 

"I know, sweet prince, but I just cant stand being away from you. Being with one another is our destiny. You of all people should know that." I breathed, almost whispering. 

The gentle gusts fluttered my ivory skirts and tousled my dark locks. Your hand cupped my cheek and you ran your fingers through my hair. 

"Destiny doesnt mean we should break the law. You are the chosen one. The one that will bring us all out of hiding, my Goddess. You must uphold the laws. And like you said, you of all people should know that." 

I pulled away from your hand, sighed and looked toward the sky. 

"There is nothing in this life, in our past lives or our future lives that will keep us apart. I will suffer any wrath to keep our bond. And when I let the world end, we will still be hand in hand." 

Your lips graze mine and you step away. 

"I have to get back. If they notice I am gone, they will come looking for you. I wont put you in any more danger, my love. Until next time."

And with a slight swirl of wind and leaves, you were gone.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Summer Haze Turned To September Rain

So I have been going through some old blog postings...and I must say...What a mess. I guess, my entire life, I haven't really made any sense. I have always wanted things that I was never able to obtain. I kept making mistake after mistake. I went through a ton of relationships...and the same shit happened, time and time again. 

I feel like, I am in almost the same spot I was 2 years ago, but not quite....and almost the same as last year. Like, I said all the same things...Went through the motions...I said that the relationship I was in was the last of them...because I was so sick and tired of having them end all the same...Because I was so sick of having to start over every single time I got fucked over...I have, once again, moved on...moved along to someone and something better for me...but will this be the end of having to start my life painting all over again? I certainly hope so. 

I let myself get swallowed up in the moment too often...but I am saying right now....putting it in writing....this WILL be the last time I let myself crash into someone....I am so tired of burning...So tired of hurting. 

I feel like thats all i have ever really talked about in old blogs...How bad I was hurting from another man ripping out my heart...But ya know what...if I was meant to burn....let it all burn....Because this is the end of it for me....I feel so strongly about this one...I dont have to ask questions like, Do you really want me? Because...i know the answers. 

I have been craving silence again...but with the way my head works, with the amount of Chaos that's been inside The Elsewhere, there is NO way that I will be able to have any silence. It has gotten so loud in there, I have a constant ringing in my ears. A steady hum...kind of how bagpipes make me semi deaf after I listen to them for too long. Speaking about bagpipes, I probably should be sleeping right now, but it's raining and we all know how frantic my fingers are when it's like this outside. And I can feel the autumn setting in, so that changes my mood extremely. I begin to feel more alive when fall comes creeping up over the hills.

Anywayyyyy....I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. I am working in a different store that's about 40 minutes away from my home store...But they need help....So that is what I am going to be doing, on my supposedly day off...I hope everyone did well with that Hurricane we got last week...I posted some video on my Youtube account from it...  I'll link ya,  Here!   

Receding with the flood waters, 

PS- My birthday is in 23 days!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Ein Hundert

I can't believe I am writing my 100th journal entry tonight!!

I am so full of emotion...Like, smiling from ear to ear but at the same time, I just want to cry. 

I feel like some times, people forget me...Like, if i don't write for them, then I am not thought about. I know my voice has long since been carried away on the winds...but maybe, just maybe, I am heard regardless. 

I've just been walking through the after day...just carrying through them...not talking about my lost self...It's kind of like I am in a trance...wake up, work, home, sleep, wake up, work, home, sleep...and so on and so forth...Just doing what I have escape. I feel caught in a whirlwind of redundancy...all the same. Black and white.

Faceless. Nameless. Silence.    If that is how it is...why can't I just stop feeling how I am....Emotionless? I wish. 

I have been craving Home, but I'm not exactly sure where that is...I know where I live...but it feels less and less like I don't belong...I still, to this not sure where I am wanted...needed...Like I have no place. I feel dirty and rejected. It may not be true...but I feel that way. I just don't want to ever up truly alone...ever, ever again. 

Summer is almost over...It's come to an end...September is finally here....I guess just "wake me up when September ends..."

This isn't how I wanted Journal entry 100 to come out...but this is what its turned into...

Here's to another 100 entries.

Friday, August 26, 2011

No Time For Hesitation

Everything has been on fire...Everything is burning around me...Turning to ashes and barely smoldering. Why can't I need myself anymore? Why does it feel like there isn't anything under my feet...? It feels like....when you're walking down stairs in the dark, and you forget there is a last step...and you get that feeling of tumbling...falling...It may seem like forever before you actually hit the floor and then its over...But i dont feel like this falling feeling is going to fade away any time soon...

And that destroys me. 

I just want some silence...I want to be able to go home...but where is home and how do I get there? Where do I belong? Where is my place? Why do I feel like I'm not wanted? Is it all true? Am I just as hated, worthless, weak, and ugly as they always told me? As everything makes me feel. 

Why do these ghosts haunt me so bad? Why do they eat away at me? They rip and tear and shred my soul. How much more are they going to turn my flesh to ribbons before I don't have anything left to make a mess? I'm sitting alone. Again....I only have my own thoughts...I only have The Elsewhere...which even that has been cold...Im starting to see all my beautiful roses wither there....the summer has ended....I wish I could make it eternal....but with all the rain thats been coming down inside my head....everything is rotting.....too much water.

The things I thought i put behind me have resurfaced....Is it because of all the water bringing things up? Kind of how coffins will float to the top of the earth if there is a flood? 

How much more can I take? How much can I stand? Im supposed to be strong...powerful....I used to be a Goddess....I am supposed to be a Daughter of the Moon....Where is my strength?

I am slowly being by day....I am being slowly murdered. 

Who is going to save me this time? Because, somehow, I have forgotten how to swim...

Feeling lost at sea, 

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Severe Thunderstorms

Theres been rain storm after rainstorm... rumbles of thunder, one after the next...streaks of lightening constantly littering the sky. 

Thats how my soul feels today. I am so full of rage...uncertainty. Like these storms. My hands wont stop heart keeps pounding. I have been sick, over and over much, my face is blotchy. I am so overwhelmed...Sad, angry, scared...I am full of doubt. My breathing is shallow. 

I feel like I have everything is being ripped out from my body. When my heart gets ripped out, I'll mail it to a lime green box. Then I will be as empty as I feel.

My head is in an uproar...Swirling with pain. I have a migraine so fierce that I cant see out of my right eye. Its completely blind.

I am so angry that I want to break things, just so I can hear glass shatter. Just so I can rip and tear and create absolute chaos, so I can maybe attempt to be calm. Would it even help?

I dont want to lose him. But if I do, it might be alright, because I would rather be completely hated then not loved. At least there would be some sort of emotion. Hate is stronger then love anyway. 

I think I am going to be sick again.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Another Circle

This morning, I found out some news that kind of shook my world. A friend that I hung out with in High School passed away last night. It wasn't the kind of shaking that I felt when Robert passed away but I was still in utter shock when I heard the news. 

When Robert passed away, I was almost 19...I was so absolutely devastated...I remember being so upset at the wake, that CJ kept handing me a flask with blackhause in it to calm me down. He told me that everyone needed me to stay strong...that crying wasnt supposed to happen at wakes. He said that when people saw me cry, they would cry too because i was crying from my soul. He told me to close my eyes and I would feel better. I remember almost falling to my knees at the funeral because I was too weak to stand up. Shana and Chris kept me steady.  They held my hands. They let me sing as loud as i could at the top of my lungs on the way there because they knew it would keep my mind off of things. They let me cry. Sweet moon, I miss much.

I still catch myself picking up the phone to call Grandma Dee. I started dialing her number the day after Adam proposed to me...and then felt sick to my stomach because it was like....I forgot. Its been what? Four years? Four years and I still want to call her and talk to her. I would love to hear her laugh, just once more. 

On days like today, it makes me stop...take a deep breath...and hold close all my loved ones. That is why I live for the moment...why I make each day count...why i document all of my emotions...because you never know. In the blink of an eye...someone could be gone. In a car accident, a motorcycle accident...or just slipping away in their sleep...You just never know.

What would I do if i lost Adam? Or my Sister? Or my Mama or Garrett? What if Shana wasnt here anymore? I would crumble up into a ball. A useless piece of nothing. I wouldnt sing or write. I wouldnt paint or dance. 

Live for your today. Hug the people you love...Tell them how much they mean to you...Even if you are fighting with them or angry with them for some reason...

People get angry with me because I try to do things that way. I want to just hold you and kiss you...i want to listen to your heart beat. I want to spend time laughing. There is nothing more important then being around the people you love. NOTHING. Because, like i said....You just never know. 

I could be gone tomorrow. 

Having another taste of mortality, 

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Into The Dark

You came to me during the peak of the storm. The lightening streaked across your face as you pulled me toward you to make me lay beneath you. I saw blood in your eyes. But with each nip of your teeth to my skin, you assure me....

I wont hurt you.

The playful nibbles turned into mouth fulls of flesh, almost puncturing through...but just raising blood to the surface. Instant bruises. The pain bringing a half moan half scream to my lips. Your hand instantly covers my mouth. 

I wont hurt you. 

You ease your body into mine...and with each thrust, i become more and more dizzy to your needs. Your desires. Your blood lust. 

A growl comes from deep within your throat.

I am pinned to the bed by my wrists as you have your way with me. Taking your fill. My entire body is on fire...

I love you. 

And before I can reciprocate my affections for entire world is covered with a pillow...faster and faster you thrust...
My nails dig into your back and I flail, trying to break free. My screams of terror are drowned out by the thunder. 

I can feel myself going throat raw from my pleas to let me go. 

I cant breathe. Im dizzy. Im dying. 

You release yourself into me...

I wont hurt you.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Temporary Covering

I am still so sick. I dont know whether its my allergies or i actually have a cold or something...but whatever it is, it SUCKS and i HATE it. I cant breathe or taste anything. I have been through an entire box of tissues already and a whole container of Excedrin because the pressure on my sinuses are making my daily migraines a billion times worse. Ugh. I cant stand being sick. Especially in the summer. If it was fall or winter, it would be kind of expected to get a cold...but in August? Thats fucking stupid.

Speaking about fall...I cant wait for it to get here. I feel like summer is already done and over...I was hoping to get to go to the beach one more time on a really hot day...but there hasnt been any beach trips planned and there wont be, and the days havent been as hot as i like them to spend the day at the beach. Summer might as well just be over...and it is time to kick off another beautiful NY Autumn and of course, Terrordome!!

Its been raining a lot...past few days have been thunder storms back to back...and even though I love thunder storms...I was actually thrilled that today, on my day off, i got to sit outside in the sun for a little bit. Maybe it will make me feel a little better...I just hope tomorrow i dont feel as shitty as i did today. I didnt even want to do my laundry, even though i probably should have. I didnt want to do shit...except sit in the sun and complain about being sick... Hahahaha. 

I have been slacking on video blogs, again, and I apologize. I just havent been in the mood to talk about anything...or rather, nothing has been happening that i want to talk about. Hopefully, as more starts to happen in my life, my Vlogs and journal entries wont be so damn boring. I guess as I start to do more stuff, like, when Terrordome picks up, there will be some more to talk about...and more to show you. 

Anyway, Im going to get some sleep because I feel like shit and I have to work's only 6 hours tomorrow, but with the way I am feeling now, its going to feel like the day is dragging on and on and on....bah. 

Sweet dreams...and I'll meet you in the Elsewhere tonight.

Monday, August 8, 2011

A Trapeze Superstar

I dance on the floor before being lifted high into the air on my trapeze.

Swinging back and forth like a pendulum...gradually picking up speed before I am able to flip and tumble in the air.

No fear. No worries. Barely even breathing. 

Why is it so easy to go back and forth without holding onto a single thing? Everything is  blur beneath me. 

My sequined costume reflects the purple and red lights which swirl around me. 

I dont know which side i like better.

If i was to fall, would i be caught or would i plummet to the earth with no safety one to catch me. 

I need to make a choice.

Do i come down from my roost or do i continue swaying to the beats of unwritten songs?

Until next time, 

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


There is so much on my mind tonight...but yet, for some reason, nothing wants to come out. I feel like I am losing my voice again. I am just alone...ignored...and so so sad. 

Everyone keeps saying that things cant get any worse...that I'll have everything i dream because I deserve it...that everything will be ok...

But, after all this time, nothing seems to be changing. Just more disappointment. 

I used to drive past this house on my way home from was for was beautiful and wonderful...and it was under 200,000...the last time i was $199,900...which was only about a week ago.
The other day...The for sale sign was gone and there was a maroon SUV in the drive way. Some other people moved into the house I fantasized about. It just about broke my heart...and then i remembered...That house wasn't even an option...I just had to be reminded...

Just had to wake up from that dream. 

I am so tired of feeling like I am sitting at a dead end road and there isnt anything I can do. 

And to make it worse...even though blogging always makes me feel a tiny bit better...I am so afraid I am going to get told that all i do is bitch about things that dont even matter. 

But it does matters to me. 

I saw another person from high school's facebook today...And they are having a baby. They had a beautiful wedding...the kind of wedding i am dreaming of...they have a house, with a white picket fence and gardens...and now they have a baby on the way to complete their happily ever after. And she doesnt even work....How is that even possible!? How can someone who works for nothing have everything?

Jealous? Yes, I am...I am absolutely GREEN with envy. Sigh. 

Days like today...I just want to be held...Have someone tell me everything will be alright...even if it is a lie. Just lie to me, So i can get through another day. I guess I will go to bed. 

I just crave to sleep all the time...When i am sleeping, it doesnt hurt. When I am sleeping, everything is alright. When i am sleeping, I live in a beautiful house,  Adam and I are married...and I am never alone. Never wanting, needing...pleading for attention. 

Until the storm subsides, 

Monday, August 1, 2011

How Beautiful You Really Are To Me

I sigh deeply as the night around me shifts. Its pouring...soaking my clothes...the rain streaks my makeup down my cheeks...

My blood red lips curl into a smile. 

Even though I am shivering from the cold, I have never been warmer. 

My heart beats, echoing against the thunder in the distance. 

As I hold my breath, I close my eyes and I can feel your hands on my face...your lips on mine. 

The drops on my face...they are warm...not rain...tears...

But i dont cry from being sad. I cry from having someone finally love me completely. 

For the first time in my life...the person who touches me actually loves me....

"There you are, sitting in the garden...Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar...You called me sugar"

Everything tastes sweeter when the taste of your lips still lingers on mine. 

Goodnight, sweet prince....Wherever you lay your head on this storm laced evening...May your dreams be of me. 

Answering to the night, 

Monday, July 18, 2011

Supply And Demand

I am so sick to DEATH with looking at apartments. No matter where i look, rent is sky high! How on earth is anyone supposed to be able to afford an apartment, most with NOTHING included, with the way jobs are right now?! I'm lucky to have a job that isnt paying minimum wage, and so is Adam, but when it comes down to it, neither of us can afford to spend over 1,000$ a month just so we can have a roof over our head. Forget paying utilities, or buying food...

 Having a mortgage payment would be the SAME as having a 2 bedroom apartment!!!! (with just a little bit more in a down payment)

I saw a 2 bedroom apartment today, 1500$ a month, with nothing included, and on top of it, they want first and last months rent PLUS security. That means you have to have 4500$ before you can even consider moving in...on top of having more money to turn your electric and gas on...who the hell has that kind of money just laying pay for a RENTAL?!!? 

I am so so so so sick of Adam and I living in two different places that its not even fucking funny. Its to the point where i LEGIT throw a tantrum because of this situation but theres not a damn thing anyone can do about it because i live paycheck to paycheck...

Someone said to me the other day, "when i was your age, i was married and bought a house..." Yeah, you bought a house, 20 years ago when people COULD pay for were married, 25 years ago because you COULD pay for a wedding. Now, forget living together and forget getting fucking married because its not even an option...there isnt any money for either. 

I have applied for better jobs, to a whole bunch of different places...and I am STILL on the waiting list for my state job, which now i hear they arent even progressing on the list because the state cant pay them...Did you hear that....THE STATE CANT PAY THEIR EMPLOYEES...people are getting laid off. People that have families and have houses are losing their jobs...So what are they going to do without their 50,000$ a year jobs? Work their asses off for minimum wage, IF they can find something, because thats their only options...just so they can ATTEMPT to keep a roof over their children's heads and put some sort of food on the table.

If the state is in debt (rephrase, the entire country)...what makes these landlords think they are going to rent out their properties at the prices they have set?? News flash, they arent. 

So people like me, are going to be living with their parents when they should be living on their own and having their own families. 

Paying for things was so much easier in Alabama and Texas...I had a beautiful house in Texas, that i paid for myself...and here, i cant even get a one bedroom apartment to share with my fiance.


Anyway, thats enough bitching out of me...I am already fucking pissed off...if i keep writing, Ill just get more pissed and i have to go bust my ass at my 9$ a hour job in thirty minutes.

Seriously annoyed, 

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Trials Of Life

I feel like time is just flying by. Where does the time go? Is this how time starts passing the older you get? Its like, i fell asleep and it was June...woke up and now its the middle of July? I feel old. I hope this feeling isnt me missing out on life some more. Sigh. 

So I am working back at Cumberland since Friday's is a bunch of cock suckers. Ya know, it really sucks because I really enjoyed working there. After all, that is what i would like to do with my life...own a restaurant and bar...Fucking pipe dreams. 

I am feeling slightly under the weather today...Just a whole bunch of disappointment...I should be used to the way this feels...but for some reason...i always let it bother me when something i was looking forward to falls through. What else is new? Fucking story of my life. 

You ever sit and wonder what you were doing the year before, to the date? I was in Oklahoma, waiting to come back to New York...itching something fierce to get back to Orange County...And right now, I wish i was anywhere else, but here. I feel like, the more I am in this house, the more i die inside. It sucks the life out of me. Its kind of like, holding your breath too long underwater...That feeling where you can feel your lungs ready to burst. Like, you NEED to get to the surface to get some oxygen or you KNOW you are going to inhale water and then....well....that would be it. 

Thats how I feel when I am here. 

Adam and I went driving around yesterday and we were looking at houses...houses that are for sale...gorgeous houses...with big yards surrounded by white picket fences...and American flags on the porches....

If i close my eyes...i can imagine what it would feel like to wake up in one of these sit on the deck, sipping coffee and watching the sun come up...It would be ours...I could bake in my own kitchen and go snip herbs out of my own garden...I love looking at houses with him...but after our adventure is over...another little piece of me dies inside...because of what I have to come back to at the end of the day. And as i lay in bed, awake...thinking about the days events, I think to myself....will i ever be one of those people that have one of those beautiful houses? 

No, probably not. Yet again, another pipe dream...

Goddess, I suck...

Anyway...time to get out of the Elsewhere and come back to reality. 

Basking in emptiness, 

Sound Asleep

I have had the most awkward dream that have sort of perturbs my mind...leaving me completely unsettled, even when I finally open my eyes. I dont know how to explain them...I'll just tell you what it is...

I'm running through fields...on a path that the snow has been shoveled out from. The flakes are falling from the sky, thick...full...My breath comes out as steam as it seems like I am searching for you in the blizzard. I see you...Far away...Your radiant blue eyes are bright against the snow...searing through me...I feel like I stop breathing...You run to me...wrapping your arms across my back and kiss my throat. I close my eyes...Your kisses continue down my throat, across my collar bone...down my chest and your lips stop right at the very tip of my cleavage. A low, deep growl comes from out of you...Your fingers lace themselves into my hair and you make a fist within it...Your mouth finds its way back to my throat, and you gently rake your teeth across it before you bite...hard...ripping into me...blood pouring from me and staining the perfectly white snow. You pull away...tendons and flesh hang from your mouth....I fall to my knees...eyes gaped open and I mouth the words..."I have always loved you." before i fall back and the heavy falling snow starts to consume me. With your eyes laughing at me and blood staining your chin, you turn away....

I always wake up shivering.

I dont know how often I have had this same dream. I dont know why it makes my skin tingle. 

But deep down, i like it

Freezing only for you, 

Thursday, June 30, 2011

A Long Trail

So I have had some time to do nothing...and in reality, i really havent done shit. I guess things with my mother have subsided...shes not jumping down my throat for the littlest thing right now, and I am grateful. Too much stress makes my entire world feel pointless...

I had a job interview last night, and it looks promising...she said she would be in touch with me sometime this I await for the phone call. I'll tell you what the job is when I speak to her again...i dont want to jinx it. 

Ya know, as each day passes, i get more and more anxious to find a place with Adam. I seriously hate feeling like i am stuck...the past 3 nights have been lovely...we stayed at his house and it kind of felt like I hope it will feel for when we move in together. Just, free to do what we want...without someone nagging and come and go, or even just stay, as we want. Hopefully, (please!) this job comes through quickly...and I can restart the savings jar...An apartment for him and I is ALL i want right now. Nothing else matters, other then that to me...I just want it, so bad. I wish there was something I could do to make a butt load of money like, super fast...I even wish that taking a personal loan out wouldnt be so wouldnt even have to be that much. Maybe like, 4,000$ worth of loan...we could get a nice apartment, set everything up and have enough money to get some furniture and stuff we would need. 

Ugh...I'm day dreaming again...

I have a piece that will be in Otherwise Caffeinated for July...Make sure you guys check it out...and check out the writings of the other authors that are on there...there is always something worth reading :)

Ill talk to you guys soon and Ill let you know how that job plays out. 

Fingers crossed, with hands raised to the sky,

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Arsenic In My Tea

Once again, my days have seemed to have collided into each other. Everything seems like a blur. I havent been able to get onto my laptop for about 4 days now, but i will explain why in a bit. I guess, lets start at the beginning of last week, sometime.
I worked at Friday's on June 14th...that following Wednesday morning, i get a phone call around 7:30 AM from female manager saying how shes getting my shifts covered until our GM gets back from vacation...So i was suspended. She told me to come in the following Monday around 2PM to speak with him. So, Monday rolls around, and I had to call a good friend of mine to come pick me up so he could bring me to Friday's for my meeting with the GM...I get there, right on time...and then Im told that the GM isnt coming back from vacation until the following day and they werent sure why i was told Monday when female manager knew perfectly well when the GM got back. Awesome job, wasted my fucking time.
So the following day, I get there around 2:30 and I had to sit and wait for almost a half hour before the GM would speak to me. Some shit about a conference call. So finally, we sit down, and he starts the conversation off with, "Im sorry, but we no longer have a job here for you." And THEN says, "But tell me what happened." What the fuck does it matter if i tell you what happened? I could tell you pink circus elephants ran through the dining room that night and it wouldnt have mattered one bit what came out of my mouth...So, beings i was already fired...the words that flew out of my mouth came out like liquid fire. I told him what happened with the table that complained and how the table next to it told the other manager on duty how they didnt know what was going on but i was a great server. I told him I thought it was wrong that female manager was the one to speak to me when HE was the one that wrote me up...he proceeded to tell me that he only came in to do the write up and told her to speak to me...I told him that I thought it was ridiculous and unprofessional that he couldnt speak to me when he was the one who did the write up. He tells me that it was his vacation and time off, so thats why he didnt. And i told him that it was HIS responsibility as the manager that wrote me up to talk to me and that female manager was rude to me when she did. He said he would address it with her. (yeah right!) I told him i was upset i had to drag my ass there the day before for no reason...he said he told female manager to call me....i told him  she didnt, so that was a direct failure in management, like always when it came to her.  I told him that things have gone into a downward spiral since she got there and will continue doing so. He replied with, I can say the same about your serving. Thats what lit the fire...I said, No, excuse me...this isnt a tit for tat nor is it a reason to insult the general manager you are obligated to treat your employees, firing them or not, with respect...and i didnt insult you, do not insult me. He said the only thing he could do for me wasting my time yesterday is buy me lunch. I told him, no thank you...i didnt want anything from him and as far as i was concerned that meeting was over. He said i could use him as a reference for another job. I stood up, and said, As i said, i do not want anything from you, and once again, thank you for wasting my time...I said good bye to the other manager that was sitting there, and walked out.
 I thought it was going to feel more like a walk of shame walking out of there, but it didnt. I held my head high. I was proud of the things i said...they were true and i hope they hit home for him...and maybe hopefully something with be said to female manager... Even though I was wrongly fired,  beings we are in the lovely state of NY, employers do not need a reason to fire...So, the job I loved and loved doing is taken from me...leaving me with nothing. For a second there, i was slightly discouraged on my life long dream on owning my own bar and grill...but who is he to make me feel like that? My dream still stands.
Then, merely a few days later, my mother decided she wanted to have one of her fits. She told me she was sick of the bullshit and that I needed to move out. I have a week to do so. Why, you ask? Because thats what she does. She complains about how she gets no she does everything and how we are supposed to be a team...but truth be told, i DO things around the house. Just a day before this argument with her, i cleaned. I made sure everything looked nice for when she got home from work. She didnt have anything to say then, now did she? Now, its not that i despise my mother for doing what shes just in a seriously rough spot right now, and she has to put more burden and stress on me. She KNOWS i dont have anywhere to go. She knows if she throws me out, then I will end up living in a park or something somewhere...I have nothing. How am i supposed to make something of my life and get back on my feet when shes not giving me any air to breathe? I am so lost right now, its not even funny.  To make it even better, She unplugged the router so I cant even have internet to apply to jobs or ATTEMPT to find somewhere to live and she told me I couldnt use the washer and dryer. I am afraid to shower or eat anything for fear of setting her off even more. I cant do anything without messing it up more, so i sit in silence, locked in my room...ive been doing it for days. The less she sees of me, the better.
I havent been this depressed in a very very long time. I feel like there isnt anything that i can do to make my life better. There isnt a hope...not even a glimmer of some sort of break from all of this.
I dont think I ask for too much. All i want is what anyone else would want...A decent job, a place to live that i can call my own....I just hurt so bad. I feel like the weight of the world is on my throat...Im drowning...falling deeper and deeper into this depression...Ive been crying so much that it burns my eyes to the point where i fall asleep without warning...I vomited this morning from coughing so much...
I thought things were going well...that i was finally making something of my life...that i was finally an asset to society...and then all that BULLSHIT happened with Fridays, sending me back into a world of shit and poverty.
I should be used to this. I should be used to this cycle I have lived for my ENTIRE life. I have never had it easy, ever for a little while...I have always struggled...and i will continue to struggle and be brought down. There isnt anything that can stop it because this was the life i was born into. These were the gifts I was given...
Yes, I have dreams and desires...but the way things are looking...This is it for me. Feeling empty and sad, locked in a bedroom, while the world spins around me.
I wish, with everything I had, that i had wings that work. I dont want to be here anymore.  I feel like when i come back to NY, it sucks the life right out of me. But, I have no choice but to stay and suffer. I have never made anyone proud before, why bother starting now?
I think im going to be sick again.

With bile burning my throat,