It has been 2 months since the last time I have written anything. 2 solid months of silence means there is something tragic happening or I have nothing to say because my head is just too full.
I am still feeling lost.....Like I am walking alone in the dark with my eyes shut with no points of light. I still shudder and get the cold chills with goosebumps all over my body when I lay in bed at night and everything is quite because my mind can never shut off. I feel myself slip every single day....I still feel the rage bubble into my stomach...I feel the hot creep behind my eye lids...
I feel the screams gurgle in my throat...............
I hate knowing I will never be able to enjoy the park I have loved for so many years anymore. It is tainted for me. Destroyed. But that wasnt thought about during the burst of absolute selfishness....makes me sick. Then again....am I, or what I want, EVER thought about??
I wish there was a simple way to forget....just.........forget.
I am tired of screaming for things. No one hears me.... I am so frustrated. The days seem to make my heart skip beats. Make me slightly more twisted...It's like swallowing from a glass of milk you hadn't realized turned sour. Just, unexpected.
I feel like as time keeps ticking, slowly but surely, my dreams will all fade away and never be accomplished. Maybe I am just supposed to always hurt....always always always. I was born into hurt...... Maybe this is what life IS supposed to feel like, and it has finally blackened my soul....
I never want to leave The Elsewhere but everything is flooded there today...I climbed a high tree and I am standing on a long thin branch, hoping the water doesnt reach my toes. Did I ever mention that my biggest fear is drowning? Which makes little sense because swimming is one of my most favorite things ever.
Am I that much of a terrible person that I can't have the simple things I want out of life?? I don't think I am a monster. Somewhere deep inside of me is the girl I know I am...or was..... The wife I need to be....the daughter that makes her mother proud.....The Goddess I am so often called.
I always wake up in the middle of the night from the static....and I always feel like I am split in two pieces. One half screams..."Just stop and end this!!!!" The other half mumbles...."You have been fucking sick forever...."
For years I have rocked and counted the seconds that ticked by....I find myself still doing that....ticking down to silence. And I know exactly where to go and exactly what I will be wearing...and exactly how he will find me.
Sweet Goddess.....what have you done to me?
Trying to destroy the curse,