Monday, November 10, 2014

The Sky Is A Vacant Throne

It has been 2 months since the last time I have written anything. 2 solid months of silence means there is something tragic happening or I have nothing to say because my head is just too full. 

I am still feeling lost.....Like I am walking alone in the dark with my eyes shut with no points of light. I still shudder and get the cold chills with goosebumps all over my body when I lay in bed at night and everything is quite because my mind can never shut off. I feel myself slip every single day....I still feel the rage bubble into my stomach...I feel the hot creep behind my eye lids... 

I feel the screams gurgle in my throat...............

I hate knowing I will never be able to enjoy the park I have loved for so many years anymore. It is tainted for me. Destroyed. But that wasnt thought about during the burst of absolute selfishness....makes me sick. Then I, or what I want, EVER thought about??
 I wish there was a simple way to forget....just.........forget.

I am tired of screaming for things. No one hears me.... I am so frustrated. The days seem to make my heart skip beats. Make me slightly more twisted...It's like swallowing from a glass of milk you hadn't realized turned sour. Just, unexpected.

I feel like as time keeps ticking, slowly but surely, my dreams will all fade away and never be accomplished. Maybe I am just supposed to always hurt....always always always. I was born into hurt...... Maybe this is what life IS supposed to feel like, and it has finally blackened my soul....

I never want to leave The Elsewhere but everything is flooded there today...I climbed a high tree and I am standing on a long thin branch, hoping the water doesnt reach my toes. Did I ever mention that my biggest fear is drowning? Which makes little sense because swimming is one of my most favorite things ever.

Am I that much of a terrible person that I can't have the simple things I want out of life?? I don't think I am a monster. Somewhere deep inside of me is the girl I know I am...or was..... The wife I need to be....the daughter that makes her mother proud.....The Goddess I am so often called.

I always wake up in the middle of the night from the static....and I always feel like I am split in two pieces. One half screams..."Just stop and end this!!!!" The other half mumbles...."You have been fucking sick forever...."

For years I have rocked and counted the seconds that ticked by....I find myself still doing that....ticking down to silence. And I know exactly where to go and exactly what I will be wearing...and exactly how he will find me. 

Sweet Goddess.....what have you done to me? 

Trying to destroy the curse,