Monday, November 10, 2014

The Sky Is A Vacant Throne

It has been 2 months since the last time I have written anything. 2 solid months of silence means there is something tragic happening or I have nothing to say because my head is just too full. 

I am still feeling lost.....Like I am walking alone in the dark with my eyes shut with no points of light. I still shudder and get the cold chills with goosebumps all over my body when I lay in bed at night and everything is quite because my mind can never shut off. I feel myself slip every single day....I still feel the rage bubble into my stomach...I feel the hot creep behind my eye lids... 

I feel the screams gurgle in my throat...............

I hate knowing I will never be able to enjoy the park I have loved for so many years anymore. It is tainted for me. Destroyed. But that wasnt thought about during the burst of absolute selfishness....makes me sick. Then I, or what I want, EVER thought about??
 I wish there was a simple way to forget....just.........forget.

I am tired of screaming for things. No one hears me.... I am so frustrated. The days seem to make my heart skip beats. Make me slightly more twisted...It's like swallowing from a glass of milk you hadn't realized turned sour. Just, unexpected.

I feel like as time keeps ticking, slowly but surely, my dreams will all fade away and never be accomplished. Maybe I am just supposed to always hurt....always always always. I was born into hurt...... Maybe this is what life IS supposed to feel like, and it has finally blackened my soul....

I never want to leave The Elsewhere but everything is flooded there today...I climbed a high tree and I am standing on a long thin branch, hoping the water doesnt reach my toes. Did I ever mention that my biggest fear is drowning? Which makes little sense because swimming is one of my most favorite things ever.

Am I that much of a terrible person that I can't have the simple things I want out of life?? I don't think I am a monster. Somewhere deep inside of me is the girl I know I am...or was..... The wife I need to be....the daughter that makes her mother proud.....The Goddess I am so often called.

I always wake up in the middle of the night from the static....and I always feel like I am split in two pieces. One half screams..."Just stop and end this!!!!" The other half mumbles...."You have been fucking sick forever...."

For years I have rocked and counted the seconds that ticked by....I find myself still doing that....ticking down to silence. And I know exactly where to go and exactly what I will be wearing...and exactly how he will find me. 

Sweet Goddess.....what have you done to me? 

Trying to destroy the curse, 

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Meet The Vessel Of Your Reprisal

After 12 very long, very tiring, very stressful and very emotional weeks...I finally got something I have been waiting to hear. Needing to hear.

An apology. 
The apology that was laced with regret and sadness...hurt and sorrow....And as I let this out finally, after all this time....I feel as if I can breathe again. Forgiven....but never forgotten. Let go...and moving forward.

In case you're all wondering.... 
This is a blog about some truths and I am letting it all out.....

I knew, for a while what was happening and now that it is all over, I can tell you all now the truth of some things...I knew 8 days before I left for Alabama what was happening...but told no one. I kept it to myself...wrote about it....started fighting for things harder....I knew. I felt it in my blood. 

The first thing that tipped me wedding gown was out of the closet one afternoon....and I didn't put it there. My perfume went missing one night. My robe in the bathroom wasn't where i left it...........Someone was digging through my shit and I knew it wasn't my husband......The garden tub in the master bath was used.....while Erich and I were at work. 
The first thing I thought was....."It" is moving in on my territory.

I talked to Aja about all of this....and I decided to take "It" there one late afternoon...because Aja has a funny way of getting things out of people. (love you girl!) And not only did "Its" body language tell us everything...."It" cried....and pleaded for Aja to stop.... I said nothing because, well....I knew. Aja kept going...demanding answers...hammering away at "it"......nothing was said at that moment....but "It" didnt talk to me the whole way home. "It" knew that I knew..... and cried almost the entire way back.

Nothing I have said in the past 12 weeks was a lie....I have tried to keep everything as real as possible with minimal bitching.....but here are a few more truths for those who care and want to know.......
I didn't make anything up, i didn't tamper with journal entries of "its"...I did send some nastyyyy as shit texts....I do have incriminating photos....I burned everything "it" ever owned....I am pretty sure I broke a few of "its" ribs that day.....and just for everyone's piece of mind....I have COMPLETELY shut out that side of my family.....every single one of them. 
Fuck them.
All of them. 
Absolutely worthless. 

There is only going up from here and there isn't a single thing in this world that is going to slow down the progression of that. Until death do us part, right?? I am so beyond happy that life is making a complete 360 for us.I just hope and pray and plead for it to continue. Death never stopped true love, it can only delay it for awhile.

I guess that is enough truth telling for now.....too much truth can get people into trouble.   ;)

Surfing reality, 

Monday, July 21, 2014

I Starve For A Balance Unknown

Here, another morning, sitting at the laptop  having coffee....Pandora is playing....and I feel like shit. Not really sure what eats away at me today....probably the same thing that destroys me a little bit more every single day. 

I have this feeling deep within my chest that is screaming...."RUN, J.....RUN AWAY!" I feel it pounding and clawing for me to listen. But there is something that stops me from keeping on driving when I am on my way to work. Maybe its the guilt? Maybe its the fact that I have a half a tank of gas and a hundred dollars in my bank account? Maybe its because I really do want to fix what is broken in my home?

Maybe this cant be fixed because you dont want to. I really want to stop trying so hard. I want to let go of everything that I have been doing because nothing is going to fix this shit if I am the only one working for it. This isn't fair and I am wasting my energy. I am wasting my youth. We are losing out on the most precious years of our life because you're in such a pathetic conundrum....Just let it go and wake up! Move forward with REAL more silly child games and dreams....your life and reality is right in front of your eyes and you're letting it waste away on something that will NEVER happen. THAT is NOT obtainable. So how about you work toward what is..........

I dont want to be on my knees screaming for you anymore. 

Nor should I have to. 

I really wonder what it would be like to have to start over. I will be 28 in two months. Is it hard to start all over with life after you have sunk straight to the bottom?? Will I ever trust anyone ever again? 

I just feel like I am waiting around all by myself. How did I become so broken all over again? How did this happen??? I thought I was living my fairy tale..... 
I was glued back together. Piece my fragile piece...every splinter of porcelain was painstakingly pieced back together. 
My amber eyes were the hardest to blood red lips were permanently in a slight frown.....and I was whole for a short time. 

Now I am desperately trying to find every tiny sliver of glass to fix myself again..... 

 It isn't looking very promising. So many dreams were broken and so much was sacrificed. me.

Will all our sins be justified?

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

She Rules Until The End Of Time

The rain came in sheets as he told her he needed her. She fell a thousand feet from Asgard and came crashing down into something she didn't know how to fix. The lightening danced across the sky in a rush of silver which resembled thorned and gnarled branches.

"Close your eyes." He whispered. 
Shaking like a lone leaf on a tree, she did as he commanded and closed her amber eyes to the safety of her vision. His hands brushed across her bare shoulders. They were warm compared to the cold rain saturating her skin. His fingers traveled up her the side of her throat before he pressed his lips to it as well. Her knees buckled.

"Stay still for me." He demanded in a husky voice that oozed like sticky hot sugar. She placed her hands to her sides and held her body stiff, as he asked. She listened to the storm around her and the heavy words and sweet breath of this capture who was drinking her in. This would only last another moment and she knew it. He was breaking.

"I am nothing standing before you asking for you to take me into your soul. You are the only thing that can settle the pain and the rage inside of me."

For the first time, she felt air in her lungs. Now was the time to tell him the truth.

Do you not know who I am?" she asked. 
Opening her eyes she turned to look at him. 

"Drop to your knees and show me that you need me. I am a Goddess. Let me give you life. But please know, I can take it also."

Electric pulses went through her body as she touched his cheek, sharing the sensation of divinity with him, which brought him to her knees where he sat clinging to her long skirts. She saw his bloody knuckles and the dirt beneath his nails. She saw the torture in those brilliant eyes. More grey then blue at that moment. The rain and tears had streaked his face and left dirty lines.

"My Goddess, how can you hold on with the wind so strong? How do you fight this storm?" He pleaded. "I need help. I do not want to fight anymore with no reward."

She saw tears swell in those forever eyes. 

The lightening continued to crash and strike all around them. The wind tossing her long locks around her causing to have, what seemed like, a golden halo.
She parted her cherry stained lips to speak......

"I can not control others destinies or write your path for you. I am nothing more then a guide on your path that you must blaze your own. And I stand so strong because hurt and sadness is all I have ever been given. I have no other choice but to carry forward fore I am all I have. They said they throw everything to me because they know I could handle it. But secretly, I am just as broken as you." She told him. 

She let her fingers graze his features, memorizing every detail. His eyes never left hers....all the while pleading for her to never stop touching him.

"But when you think you can no longer bear the storm, wait for it to pass...just hold on. And I will hold you as long as I can on that long, bumpy road." She said.

And with that, the clouds parted and the forest around them lit up with millions of fireflies which made the woods sparkle like some one had thrown glitter into it. 

"When there is nothing more then an echo on the wind........That is when you will hear my voice..."

And with that, she mounted her snow white stallion and galloped away into the moonlight. He stayed folded up into himself and on his knees, shrieking a curse to the sky.

Only love can change a mind. And in that love, our journey never ends.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Another Lonely Night As The Wind Gales Scream

At night when I am in bed, a million and 6 things plague my thoughts. What am I doing? Do I like what I have become? When do things get better?
Sleep is takes forever to over come me and then I wake, not soon after, drenched in cold sweat and shaking.

Last week, I landed in urgent care for hours because of the pain I have been having on the inside. It hurt so bad, I would be doubled over in agony. I wasn't sure what was wrong, I just knew it hurt and something was wrong. After getting poked and prodded, with needles and an ultrasound...They said I have a 5cm cyst on my left ovary. Awesome -.- 
So, 4 days out of work, and an entire bottle of codeine later, I am going for my follow up today. Hopefully it shrank and didn't get bigger. It seriously is always something. Something is always wrong with me. My body hates me and wont function correctly. My appointment is in a few hours, so lets hope there is nothing too serious going on in there. 

I am so tired. I wish sleep would come for me...I wish I didn't feel so alone most of the time...
I can only reach for him so much... I can only put his arm around me so many times...I can only rub my skin against his so much before I understand he doesn't love me. He never loved me. How could you completely break me down and smother me out, if you loved me? I have never asked for anything more then to be loved.......
He posted something on his Facebook about missing someone blah blah blah...and it infuriates me because it isn't ME he is missing.....I have been right here! I have been right in front of him SCREAMING in his face to see me and to acknowledge show me some sort of attention and affection....HELLO! I'M HERE! So who or what it is that my husband is missing today? He should be missing me...missing us. Missing what he destroyed....but here I sit, unable to sleep.....with those god forsaken thoughts running through my head......thinking I am not missed at all....
That, and the "I need alone time" kick he has been on. I switched my schedules from working 3-11s on his days off, to working 7-3s..... Why you ask? Because when he is alone...he finds trouble. And I feel like, if we are supposed to be working on things....and being together and trying to find a way back to what we had about 2 months ago....then me being home in the afternoons shouldn't be an issue. I am just upset that it wasn't HIS idea to do this. He says he is trying.....but I see no change or no trying. I see the same redundant crap. I feel more alone now then I did when he was sneaking around living in a make believe, pathetic dream world. He says he wants to go to counseling....but yet, why don't we have an appointment for a counselor? Why do I have to be the one to find and make the appointment.........I didn't want this.......I didn't do this to us....

I try to stay silent for the most part....I try to just bite my tongue and not say hurtful things because I know it is only the anger that is speaking. I try to stay positive and be uplifting....I try to just shut my mouth and continue doing the things I have been make him see who I am....and what we both should be together. I do things with him, and we spend time together.....but he gets this glazed over look in his eyes when we are alone. He doesn't answer the questions I have, even if they're just joking questions. Maybe, if he would just pretend to be trying with me....maybe if he would reach for me once in awhile....maybe if he was the first person to pucker up his lips for a quick smooch...maybe if he was the one running his fingers over my skin....maybe if I felt his tongue against mine.....then I wouldn't feel like I am in this 100% alone. I cant do this myself...I am still waiting on a letter or an email in response to the 3 page one I wrote to him 2 days ago...

I know this wasn't really much of a blog....but I needed to let some stuff out. Maybe now that it is out of me....I can catch a nap before I go to my appointment, then  to work. Some people use work as their alone time...away from everything that bothers them. I can't do that anymore. All I think about is.....Is he really at work? Why hasn't he returned my messages in over 3 hours? Is he talking to someone else while he is using work as an escape? Does he miss me? Is he as excited about coming home as I am? Why can't he just pretend with me?? Maybe if he pretended more....things might actually start to repair themselves....maybe if he was more in tune with my soul, like he used to be....things could be different......That is all I ask.......I just want.....different from him.

Sick of trying to answer myself,

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

The Demons of 4AM Come To Torture

Here I sit....4 in the morning...wondering what the fuck I am doing. Nothing seems real...every voice seems like it is in the distance. I feel ugly again...abandoned... Was I not good enough? Did I do something to deserve the static in my head this time? After all these years of dishing out poison, was it my turn to take the sip?
I cant sleep. I tried...
I feel like everything is shutting entire body has given up on me. Everything always gives up on me. There has been new pain inside of me. Something I cant put my finger on...but doubles me over in agony. I don't want you to tell me to go to the Doctor....I want you to take me there, holding my hand and comforting me..... wrapping me into you like you used to......

The nightmares have gotten worse, so maybe I should be thankful they don't plague me tonight. Then again, maybe the demons that visit me in my dreams are being put there so I cant tell what is real or fake anymore. Something has to break....and it might as well be me. 

I sat outside more cigarette before bed, I told myself....when the fire hit filter...I was still staring up at the stars. I long to be among them...flying high in the black velvet of the sky...or maybe I just want to be one of them. But even stars burn out then shoot across the sky...their streak of tail saying it's final goodbye.......maybe someone would make a wish on me as I turned into ash.

I wish.....I wish.......
I wish things were back to normal. I'd wish for the simple life we once had... of love and happiness....laughing and gentle kisses....I'd wish we were back in the apartment, just us.........those were the happiest moments, after all. I'd wish for silence in my head....wish for blindness behind my eye lids. I would wish for the happily ever after I thought was Ours. I would wish to turn back time. I would wish for soft embraces and your fingers in my hair....I wish I could stop crying....
I wish.....I wish....

What is going to happen to me? To Us? How do I come back from all of this pain? Do I move forward, one step at a time or do I give in to how weak and alone I feel? 

I just want to be folded up into his ribcage....where I can feel safe, just for a little while. I want those eyes....the color of the sea after a give me that calmness....His hand on my cheek...brushing away the tear drops with a thumb. I want to hear him say my name...

The demons in my head are calling me back to sleep... Do I listen?

The stardust is making me blind while it is pouring from my eyes,

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

A Blueprint For Disorder

So here I sit, 18 days away from being married for 9 months...and everything has crashed into a pile of broken glass and burned belongings. All I have been breathing in is ash and embers and my lungs are filled to the brim with refuse.

The Elsewhere has been nothing but a storm, raging all around me. No matter where I turn, another lightening bolt stops me from moving forward. The wind has been whipping me and throwing me into the rose bushes, which stab and prick every inch of my flesh. These once beautiful blooms have died and are decaying. I have once again, lost everything I held to my heart. 

I am not going to go into what happened via internet blog...but for those of you who know me personally, already know the trauma that was thrown into my face this past Thursday. And please, before you write me off as "OK".....please know, I am not. 

I feel nothing inside of me but anger, hate and rage. I would rather be spilling blood then sitting her writing...but because I have remained calm for these past 6 days, I see no point in flipping everyone's world upside down.  But, I will....if provoked anymore. I will come for your throat. I feel like that is the only thing that will soothe the rage in me anyway....I am a destroyer. Destroy to be destroyed, right? Eye for an eye?? We shall see what happens the next time something like this will be spit into my face.........

I seriously mean it when i say....and i am not being dramatic at ALL, I am BEYOND broken. Everything that I was, and everything that I give was just all taken for granted and I was betrayed. Stabbed in the back by someone who was supposed to be protecting me. I guess I should never stand back to back with someone makes it easier for them to slide the knife in between my ribs. I was used.....a cut flower left in the sun to die and wither away. 

I knew this shit was going on when I was writing my last blog....if you go back and reread it....I knew. I knew deep within my soul that this was happening, right under my my own house.....with the man I was in love with and my own flesh and blood.....I fucking knew it. But the proof was in the pudding....and I had to just see it for myself, I guess. Living in denial is sometimes so much easier....

....You don't forget how to breathe when you're just saying...."No no no.....they wouldn't do that to me.....after everything him and I have gone through and the love we share.........She respects me more then no no......"

Sweet Goddess, was I fucking wrong. Turned out exactly how I thought it would. Lies covered by more lies.....on top of more lies and then add in the delusional child dreams.....and you have a fucking mess. More mess then the amount of burned shit in the fire pit....That was a mess...and smelled like dirty fucking whore. But, that is one of the ways I purge filth.... That is one way I take our the trash. Everything you ever had, gone....

I don't really know how to bounce back from this. I know, if this is what I choose to do, it is going to take A LOT of time....and he will have to win every piece of my heart back. I guess that is where I am at now....stuck between pain and more pain. Suffering through the images behind my eyes....the thoughts in my head..... 

I haven't really eaten since last Wednesday. My stomach is FUCKED. Anything I try to put in there comes right back up. I cried myself to sleep, 2 nights in a row....and my "Protector" couldn't even comfort me. My "Best friend" couldnt even put his arm around me and tell me it was ok and he was so very sorry..... So what do I do??? ....... 

If you can hear me....please tell me what to do. If you can hear me....come to me and wrap your arms around me....let me cry on your shoulder. Let me hit you and scream. If you can hear me.......... me. 

With a kiss made out of cinders,

Thursday, June 5, 2014

The Air Around Me Still Feels Like A Cage

Through the years of myself, I have felt love and have lost love. But there was only one thing that remained the same...I was never worthy to feel it. I never deserved it. Someone told me a long, long time ago that there would never be anyone who would or could love me. They said I was like a tiny fragment of a piece of broken glass and as time went on, then I would spider web out of control and destroy everyone around me, including myself. I didnt believe him. I refused to think that someone, like me, could ever be out of control. I was just a silent breeze on the summer night...yes, I was slightly broken, but I always promised myself that I would never let go. I was never going to listen to that shit. 
Slowly, as time wore on, I noticed that the poison I inflicted onto people was just my way of gaining control. I just wanted control...I didn't try for that once in a life time happily ever after because I always knew, deep within my skin, how it would end up. How I would hurt them. I knew, the whole time, even through the tainted and broken I love you's, what the outcome would be. 

So, I just floated, like a silent summer breeze at night. In and out of people's lives. Like a ghost who didn't see the light. 

I think I became something I swore all of those years ago I wouldn't become. I am pretty sure I have lost something so very precious to me. I think I am without the love of someone who was supposed to stand by my side through everything. I think I have turned something so beautiful into something very ugly and full of hate. But, I cant think if I have ever done anything to make it become this. I dont think I the spilled the poison into his lungs, like I did to all the rest. I sat quiet when I should have argued and fought for what was right. 

I think I have lost myself. I think....i think.....i think.....

That is all I have been doing is thinking...Because I cant feel him anymore. I cant remember what it feels like to really feel his lips on mine with the fire of passion we used to share. Come to think of it, it has been so long that I dont recall what it feels like to feel actually.... loved. 

Was I ever really loved or was it another one of those dreams where I wake up in a cold sweat and barely able to breathe? Was it another one of the charades I put myself into so I could stop feeling pain? Was I in the Elsewhere, living my fantasy? Did I conjure this all up to quiet the static in my head? Is this all make believe........?

I feel as if I ate my own fucking poison apple. I took a bite of the decay I was so used to feeding other people. I poured anguish into pretty china and set them in front of my conquests....but right now, I am getting a taste of my own bitter potion. I didnt realize it left such a lump in your stomach......

.....Or maybe thats from me not eating. Welcome home disorder....I have missed you. The gnawing in my body keeps me company. And calms me when I scream "SHUT THE FUCK UP" at it. The gnaw is my friend. The only thing thats ever felt like home to me. Hopefully I will slip away unnoticed. Or maybe become something he can love...I already dyed my hair because thats what he prefers....hoping he could see me if I was something he liked. 

What do I do? How can I start over when he was supposed to me the chapter of my book that made readers finally able to relax after all the turmoil I have been through. He was supposed to keep me safe. He was supposed to be it for me. You are it for me. You are it for me. You are it for me. 

Theres much left unsaid, 

Monday, February 17, 2014

She Is Bereaved As She Forces Screams Through The Gale

I do believe my poisoned heart is still beating...reluctantly.....struggling in opposition to keep any sort of rhythm. 

Many many moons ago, someone who I thought would always hold me up and be my rock, left. He said I was the brightest star in his sky....and then he walked out on one dark night. I cried, and fought...I screamed and kicked. 

I begged.  "Daddy, please don't leave us." But he pulled out of my grasp from around his ankle and kicked me away from I was disgusting to him.

And as I lay there, my heart split right down the middle. I lost all faith in having normality...Having a family. Having "Dad" to call me their have "Dad" tell me he will always be there for me whenever I needed him....

It took me almost 7 years to stop crying over having another failed family. That wasn't the first time. 

It was the 3rd.

Then a shadow from someone I knew my entire life waltzed on to the path of my very beautiful and loving Mama. She welcomed him with open arms and an open heart. He was her best friend...He was her life's song...her heart's beat...Everything was perfect. Everything started to feel he belonged with us. Like he was always and forever a part of our life...

He showed me so many awesome things. We had so much in common...We went on many different adventures. He danced with me for my father/daughter dance at my wedding...He cried when I said my vows...He was supposed to be the Grandfather to my children...He was supposed to grow old with my Mama. 

Then the winds changed. They were blowing one they're blowing completely backwards. Something happened to cause what I thought was indestructible, to shatter into a million pieces that spider webbed across my heart. It was like the coldness he was emitting had caused the heart that was shuddering in my chest to stop. Slow moving hair line fractures started creeping up from the bottom of it...As if it was a piece of ice that started to crack. 

What is happening? WHY is this happening? What did I do for him to not want to keep his promises? Am I not what he always told me I was? Am I a horrible person? Is there something wrong with me? How can this happen...again?

You said you would be there to guide me when trouble walks beside me.
You said if I needed you to just call your name.
You said if I missed you...You would be there. 

.......And all I am getting in return is my own echo screaming back at me as I call your name in the wind....

"Daddy, please don't leave us."

 This hurt is beyond something I never felt before...even more so then when I was kicked away all those years ago.

Failed Family Number 4.

It just hurts...and I am not sure how many moons this one is going to last for. 

Longing to run and to never look back,