Supply And Demand

I am so sick to DEATH with looking at apartments. No matter where i look, rent is sky high! How on earth is anyone supposed to be able to afford an apartment, most with NOTHING included, with the way jobs are right now?! I'm lucky to have a job that isnt paying minimum wage, and so is Adam, but when it comes down to it, neither of us can afford to spend over 1,000$ a month just so we can have a roof over our head. Forget paying utilities, or buying food...

 Having a mortgage payment would be the SAME as having a 2 bedroom apartment!!!! (with just a little bit more in a down payment)

I saw a 2 bedroom apartment today, 1500$ a month, with nothing included, and on top of it, they want first and last months rent PLUS security. That means you have to have 4500$ before you can even consider moving in...on top of having more money to turn your electric and gas on...who the hell has that kind of money just laying around...to pay for a RENTAL?!!? 

I am so so so so sick of Adam and I living in two different places that its not even fucking funny. Its to the point where i LEGIT throw a tantrum because of this situation but theres not a damn thing anyone can do about it because i live paycheck to paycheck...

Someone said to me the other day, "when i was your age, i was married and bought a house..." Yeah, you bought a house, 20 years ago when people COULD pay for things...you were married, 25 years ago because you COULD pay for a wedding. Now, forget living together and forget getting fucking married because its not even an option...there isnt any money for either. 

I have applied for better jobs, to a whole bunch of different places...and I am STILL on the waiting list for my state job, which now i hear they arent even progressing on the list because the state cant pay them...Did you hear that....THE STATE CANT PAY THEIR EMPLOYEES...people are getting laid off. People that have families and have houses are losing their jobs...So what are they going to do without their 50,000$ a year jobs? Work their asses off for minimum wage, IF they can find something, because thats their only options...just so they can ATTEMPT to keep a roof over their children's heads and put some sort of food on the table.

If the state is in debt (rephrase, the entire country)...what makes these landlords think they are going to rent out their properties at the prices they have set?? News flash, they arent. 

So people like me, are going to be living with their parents when they should be living on their own and having their own families. 

Paying for things was so much easier in Alabama and Texas...I had a beautiful house in Texas, that i paid for myself...and here, i cant even get a one bedroom apartment to share with my fiance.

WHAT THE FUCK NEW YORK??!! 

Anyway, thats enough bitching out of me...I am already fucking pissed off...if i keep writing, Ill just get more pissed and i have to go bust my ass at my 9$ a hour job in thirty minutes.

Seriously annoyed, 

-J.C.

Trials Of Life

I feel like time is just flying by. Where does the time go? Is this how time starts passing the older you get? Its like, i fell asleep and it was June...woke up and now its the middle of July? I feel old. I hope this feeling isnt me missing out on life some more. Sigh. 

So I am working back at Cumberland since Friday's is a bunch of cock suckers. Ya know, it really sucks because I really enjoyed working there. After all, that is what i would like to do with my life...own a restaurant and bar...Fucking pipe dreams. 

I am feeling slightly under the weather today...Just a whole bunch of disappointment...I should be used to the way this feels...but for some reason...i always let it bother me when something i was looking forward to falls through. What else is new? Fucking story of my life. 

You ever sit and wonder what you were doing the year before, to the date? I was in Oklahoma, waiting to come back to New York...itching something fierce to get back to Orange County...And right now, I wish i was anywhere else, but here. I feel like, the more I am in this house, the more i die inside. It sucks the life out of me. Its kind of like, holding your breath too long underwater...That feeling where you can feel your lungs ready to burst. Like, you NEED to get to the surface to get some oxygen or you KNOW you are going to inhale water and then....well....that would be it. 

Thats how I feel when I am here. 

Adam and I went driving around yesterday and we were looking at houses...houses that are for sale...gorgeous houses...with big yards surrounded by white picket fences...and American flags on the porches....

If i close my eyes...i can imagine what it would feel like to wake up in one of these places...to sit on the deck, sipping coffee and watching the sun come up...It would be ours...I could bake in my own kitchen and go snip herbs out of my own garden...I love looking at houses with him...but after our adventure is over...another little piece of me dies inside...because of what I have to come back to at the end of the day. And as i lay in bed, awake...thinking about the days events, I think to myself....will i ever be one of those people that have one of those beautiful houses? 

No, probably not. Yet again, another pipe dream...

Goddess, I suck...

Anyway...time to get out of the Elsewhere and come back to reality. 

Basking in emptiness, 

-J.C.

Sound Asleep

I have had the most awkward dream that have sort of perturbs my mind...leaving me completely unsettled, even when I finally open my eyes. I dont know how to explain them...I'll just tell you what it is...

I'm running through fields...on a path that the snow has been shoveled out from. The flakes are falling from the sky, thick...full...My breath comes out as steam as it seems like I am searching for you in the blizzard. I see you...Far away...Your radiant blue eyes are bright against the snow...searing through me...I feel like I stop breathing...You run to me...wrapping your arms across my back and kiss my throat. I close my eyes...Your kisses continue down my throat, across my collar bone...down my chest and your lips stop right at the very tip of my cleavage. A low, deep growl comes from out of you...Your fingers lace themselves into my hair and you make a fist within it...Your mouth finds its way back to my throat, and you gently rake your teeth across it before you bite...hard...ripping into me...blood pouring from me and staining the perfectly white snow. You pull away...tendons and flesh hang from your mouth....I fall to my knees...eyes gaped open and I mouth the words..."I have always loved you." before i fall back and the heavy falling snow starts to consume me. With your eyes laughing at me and blood staining your chin, you turn away....

I always wake up shivering.

I dont know how often I have had this same dream. I dont know why it makes my skin tingle. 

But deep down, i like it. 

Freezing only for you, 

-J.C.