Silver Tight And Throbbing

Ive been reading things that make my mind spin with agony. My heart races to the point where i cant breathe. Somethings should have been erased YEARS ago, and somethings should have never been talked about. I dont even know what the fuck im talking about. I just hurt something wicked right now. Ive been crying, and shaking and pacing and hiccuping. Why? You ask. Because im a silly little girl. THATS why.

Sometimes i feel like im writing in another language. And sometimes i feel that what im writing comes out of an alcohol induced coma....or a cold coffee influenced coma, but a coma none the less, with my crooked spine and numb face. My lips bleeding because they cant speak. They can never speak. They can never smile. But my hands, ooooh, my hands can write. My fingers can sit here and type away at the keyboard. My heart can feel. And it does, regardless of what anyone thinks. I may be a complete mute, but im not incapable of feeling common human emotions...I cry, i scream....i feel.

One person can not save themselves from constant torment though. Especially a mute little girl, whose lips are sewn shut. No singing, no breathing, no speaking, no kisses....no sound....silent like a corpse.

Somedays i feel like a corpse. A rotting, blue corpse. Some days i feel like ive got nothing left to give. Some days i want to just become a corpse...a putrid carcus...my flesh hanging in ribbons off of my broken and fractured ribs. Sometimes, if i lay in the bathtub,I'll see how long i can stay under water with just one breath. I keep my eyes open though, watching the world from under water, like a mermaid or something.

Sometimes i get to the point where i stop eating, and stop drinking, and i lay in my bed until i cant stand the smell of myself rotting. And then i always land a pleasant vacation in the hospital, IV in arm, and holding my hair back as i wretch into the garbage pail to my right.

At times i want to carve the pretty patterns into myself. Like how cavemen carved their adventures on the walls of their caves....i want to carve away my flesh to reveal the adventures i have been on. To show the world what kind of things i have done to myself, because remember now, i cant talk.

Im mute.

Sometimes, ill wrap bandages around my Brilliant eyes and pretend i am blind. I like not being able to see what goes on in the world. But i miss the color, and the sunshine when im blind. Seeing darkness is for inside of my head...not for outside. But its always sucks taking off that blindfold, because the sun burns away my cornias, and it feels like theres sand paper scraping across my pupils.

At times i want to take a scaple and just cut my eyes out of their sockets, and let me be a girl without eyes....just holes in my face....do you think you could read my thoughts if there were no eyes?

Can you read my thoughts right now?

No, your right. Im a closed book right now. And im not even making any sense right now. Just watch me, alright? Watch me fall to my knees and cry my little girl tears. Tears that you have tasted and fed upon for many a night. Tears that  melt away my face, like acid, leaving nothing but a jumbled up mess. No nose, no cheek bones, no lips...Just empty. A pair of eyes on a scar. A pair of eyes that show no pigment, just grey. Grey like the rain cloud that follows me around everywhere.

I like to think i am something wonderful. I like to think i am what you have been wishing for. I like to think that the shit im writing here is just my over-active imagination playing a game of Pictionary with me again. I tend to believe that this will all seem like a dream by morning. Maybe im just misunderstood by the way i write. Maybe im a silly girl, like ive said. A mute little girl that cant do anything right.

Sometimes, i dont understand myself...and thats what this is.....something i dont understand. I dont know where it came from, and i dont know what it is....and if i try to smile at you....im just going to break the stitching...Years of cobwebs have filled my mouth anyway...

You wont hear much...

And i love you isnt enough for me anyway....i want to find something else to tell you that....Maybe ill just carve it into myself...like how my adventures are...carved into my flesh...scaring...kind of like....

I'd Do Anything For You....

right?

Desperate As I Crawl : Tuesday, January 23, 2007 4:04 PM

I cant decide whats going on. Its like im on carousel, going round and round. Music ringing in my ears...Getting louder and louder and each time it makes another turn, the music screams in my ears. I cant focus on whats around me...its all a blur, like i have fuzz stuck to my eyeballs.

The carousel spins faster, swirling round and round. The hard plastic horse im straddling smirks at me. Its painted on smile gawks at me, making me dizzy with color. Round and Round, Faster and faster. And as if it can read my mind, it slows to a stop. I see stars. Blazing all around me, purple and white, as if they have been cut out of the sun itself..

I slide off of the horse shaped torment, and stumble forward. Im in a forest, and no leaves shape the trees. They are all bare and the brown leaves litter the ground, just like the way my clothes littered your bedroom floor. I bring myself to that for a moment, and pain wretches through my stomach, bringing vomit to my lips. It hurts. I close my eyes and spew my contents, which is tainted with blood, and wipe my lips. red stains my hand.

This is what ive been reduced to.

Silent thoughts, that rip through my body, and scaring my soul with the image of your eyes, shadowing my face with their brilliant color. I stand on a tree stump, thats covered in moss, overlooking a creek. Its gurgling over ice encrusted rocks, as the ice juts out of the water. I can still see your eyes in the back of my mind. The sun shines on me, shines only on this one spot, and warms me slightly, sending shivers through my body.  My breath comes out in clouds of white steam, and tints my lips purple.

Green moss covers the banks of the creek, soft, quiet and welcoming me. I step off my stump and walk down the bank. I slip off my shoes, and all of my clothes, leaving a torn, stained white gown on it's shores. An un-used wedding dress. I ease one foot into the frigid water and let it come up to my knee before bringing the other leg in. Its up to my waist now and its sharp coldness, taking me in, like an open mouth. I slip my shoulders into the water and take a deep breath as i go under. I let the rushing water consume me, and try to let it consume the memories that i have of you. Those eyes, your hands and your lips, that reveal your perfect smile.

I turn blue and take a breath, and fill my lungs with the watery fall. My vision blurs and your laughter echoes in my ears...I hear the light sound of a piano somewhere far away. I breathe again, and everything grows dark and hazy. If i have to ruin these memories, then i'll ruin myself while doing it.

I lay face down on top of the icy water, completely naked. I watch from the shore, as the white dress reflects sunlight off of it. Theres no more me, theres no more you...no more life.

Broken and carried away. Carried away by the current. My body floats under ice, and i can see my face through it. My lips frozen blue, my red lips in an eternal smile. We are both carried away. The snow starts falling, as i walk away. My body gets swept away...But long live you. Long live your eyes. Forever blazing in my mind. I clutch the gown to my chest as I walk away. Tears fall onto my face and freeze. They look like diamonds.

I leave.

Ive Left.

Long live the memories.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006 8:29 PM NY Time

Ive been doing alot of thinking, and ive come up with some ideas on why i live the life i do...and the main factor in all of them seems to be one thing....My Mother.

I mean, seriously. She bitches and moans and groans about me giving her money, but she wants hundreds of dollars...hundreds of dollars that i dont have. Where does she want me to get it from? My ass? Seriously. She drinks all her money away. Theres never any food in the house, but yet, there always seems to be beer in the fridge.

My poor sister goes days without eating dinner sometimes.

Shes got all these guys up on her, but yet she cant keep one around long enough to let them see who she really is. Or better yet, who me and my sister are. Like Mike Brewer Aka stalker status. He would be alright, except for the fact that he stalks the house, and goes insane and wont stop calling my mothers phone. That landed him with a 2 year restraining order. Then this dude Sarge. Hes a frigging wierdo, and i cant handle him and his odd-ball-ness..."camera one, camera two" Ive never talked to him when he was completely sober...that should say something right there...

But yet she tells me MY life is falling apart...I had to withdraw school because she wouldnt help me get there. She wants all this money, but yet she wont help me get to work, so i can make money to give to her, save up, and get my car on the road. I cant save money to move out, i cant buy christmas presents...i cant even buy clothes that i so desperately need because im losing so much weight from not eating. I cant buy groceries, so my sister can have dinners. I cant get health insurance, so i can get new contacts since mine are scratched and i cant see through them. I cant go to the dentist to get my wisdom teeth out. I cant do anything...and why? Because i have to give her everything. She demands everything...and if she doesnt have it...

....im going to be homeless....

Now is that fair? Tell me...is that fair? If i dont hand her 165$ by this friday, shes kicking me out. She knows i dont get paid for another 3 weeks. I just started a new job for christs sake....she knows i dont have it, she knows i wont have it....so why put those demands on me. Why Stress me out for no reason?

I'll tell you why...because she know i have no where to go. She knows i dont have it, and she knows this is her way of finally washing her hands of me...

Has The Clocked Chimed?

The years have been ticking by and as each one passes, I learn new and valuable life lessons. Ya know, I sat back the other day and thought to myself how lucky I was to have the same friends I grew up with still in my life. As much as they're in my life, they lead their own and sometimes, more so then not, it has little or nothing to do with me. 

For example. Shana and i grew up together...been inseparable since 7th grade. We still see each other, but not as often as i would like. She is starting her career, which she is amazing at and has her life pretty much figured out. Almost. 

Aja and I have always been crazy close also...but recently, her visits and/or calls have been very far and few between. She's having her second child and there are plans for a wedding in the air for her. 

Charlie and I haven't spoken in weeks. Jessy became a raging cunt. 

I guess thats what happens as you get older...people just fall out of touch because their life is expanding beyond you. Everyone has so much going on in their lives...starting a career, starting a family...And I am still circulating in the same old shit. 

Maybe if i hadn't left New York a shit load of times, I would have a great career. Maybe if I didn't have to keep starting over in relationships, I would be starting a family...or even have one already. 

I'm not saying I am unhappy...by no means am I unhappy about certain aspects of my life. I have the best man anyone could ask for standing by my side. I have a job and a roof over my head...it may not be the best job or the place i want to live...but i have it. I just wish sometimes that I chose my path more carefully...more responsibly. 

I just want so much out of life. I want to be the best and have the best because I deserve the best. I want a job I look forward to going to and that will pay for the things i want, instead of dreading work...working my ass off...and my checks being gone before i even get them. I want a home, with my Adam, where I'm excited to come to...where it's mine and I can do what i want without people being in my shit or bitching and screaming for some reason or another. I don't want to have to worry about how I'm going to pay my next phone bill or rent...or what I'm going to eat for dinner. I want to always be warm...I don't want to sit in my room, alone...writing depressing blogs because there isn't anyone who doesn't have something to do that wants to spend time with me. 

But, now I sleep...It's been a tiring day and I have many things that has to be done tomorrow...like laundry and house chores. And to prepare for the mass amounts of snow we are supposed to be getting this week. I'm sick of the cold and the snow already. I want the sun and the sand. And apples. 

All eyes on me, 

-J.C.

Roses Bloomed This Winter

So much has changed this winter. So much life altering things. And I am so happy about it.

My mama has finally found someone that loves her just as much as I do. Garrett moved in and things around the house seem almost semi normal. For a change. 

Maybe this is what I have been waiting for?

Will this become new family? I wonder how long it will be until he asks her to marry him. That would be so perfect. 

Also, I have the most amazing boyfriend in the history of boyfriends and together we are starting our life with each other. And things are semi normal. :)

Maybe this is what I have been waiting for?

Will this become new family? I wonder how long it will take until he asks me to marry him. 

That would be so perfect.

Even though I have been super sick for about a week...today feels good. 

And the next days to come, will be better.

Smiling, 

-J.C.

May 14th 2010 6:44PM Ny Time

This was an original journal entry...Slowly opening up my books for all of you. 

I just read through my entire journal...and damnitt, I feel like I will forever be a hot mess. I dont know why I can never be happy. I have been living through anguish for as long as I can remember...and that's been my entire life. Nothing has ever been simple or pleasant. Everything has always turned to shit...and when something different comes along, I get bored. 

I am so fucking helpless when it comes to love. It's like, no one wants to be around me after awhile because all I do is poison their souls. How far will they allow me to keep injecting them with my toxicity? How long will they stand me? How long will I have to put up with new guys, beginnings of relationships...until I find one thats immune to my poison? I fucking hate myself. And I hate how i keep destroying people. When will the sun shine into my cold, dark frost-bitten world? Who will be the one to help me have "Happily Ever After?"

Usually, once in awhile, i'll go through my journal...and answer all the questions I wrote, or comment on all the things that happened...

I wrote that journal entry, 8 months ago...and as of right this minute, none of it matters. I believe I have found that one person who is immune...or maybe even just addicted to my poison...it's like it's their drug, taking it by inhaling the scent of me and tasting the sweat on my neck or that beads on my forehead when we are pressed together.

I'm getting shivers just thinking about it. 

 Nothing is going to stop me from moving forward with this. 

He is what Destiny has written for me...There is always a plan...a path to follow...even if it's not straight, There is a path...

I live for you.

Incommensurately, 

-J.C.

AT&T Can Choke On 1,000 Cocks And Then Some

So, this isnt going to be a sweet and loving and intellectual blog...I have some ranting and bitching to do.

So, I got paid this afternoon...198 dollars for 31.5 hours of work. Well, Adam gave me 50$ the other day, so i could pay my ridiculous phone bill and give mom the other 75$ I owe her. So, it evened out...i would have had enough IF I wasn't raped by taxes on my check. 

So, I owed AT&T 215 dollars...and I have 33$ to my name...for a week.

Now mind you...I have been paying this bill for months...alone. Not that I mind it because the phones were being used...well, now only one of the phones is being used, mine...

But yet, im still forking out money like whoa...and there's nothing they can do to help me lower my payments unless I can come up with a butt load of money to cancel the two phones that aren't being used. 

So, as of right now, I'll owe 230$ by the 23rd of this month...And then the bill will be cheaper because they helped me a little bit and I'll be able to save 80 bucks a month... 

So, starting the beginning of February... I'll be able to put money away and save...anything that isn't going to be used to pay AT&T will be put away in our bank account for an apartment. 

With this getting taken care of today...I feel a sense of accomplishment and there's a little bit of hope...I just have to get passed this one little hump...this 230 dollar hump...and I'm back on to apartment saving.

I am also going to look for another job...because I need to. I need it if I want to move out of here and into a better place. With Adam. So we can start our life and do the thing we want to do without any influence...or drama...

And so i can get rid of these blasted headaches.

Hopefully Yours, 

- J.C.

My Eyes Sting...My Hands Shake

I am sad. This sudden depression has slammed me back into an abyss...I feel like I am drowning in my own depths of shit. 

I feel like everything is going wrong. 

I hurt so bad...and yet, when I subtly ask for someone to help...they leave me...alone. 

Everyone does it. 

If there is something that can go bad...it will happen to me. I have never been one of the most lucky people. 

I am trying my hardest to make ends meet...

I'm trying to work as many hours as I can so I can save money to move out of this place. I need to move out. I am trapped and I am suffocating. Slowly decaying. I NEED OUT. 

I looked in the mirror tonight, after I cried my eyes out from being so frustrated, and let out the most terrifying scream I have ever made...it was as if sadness and rage was pouring out of my mouth...

I can't sit still anymore...I'm going to start pulling my hair out...I'm itchy and hot and achy and if i sit still ANYMORE...I am going to start breaking shit...just to relieve some of this angst.

I'm sitting on the floor...rocking...back and forth, back and forth...slamming my head against the wall...It makes the time pass easier. 

I want to crawl into The Elsewhere, shut the door and lay in one of my imaginary gardens...practice that thing where you take oxygen into your body. 

I think I have stopped doing that. 

But after awhile...we all know The Elsewhere becomes too constricting after awhile. 

Retching out poison, 

-J.C.

Lillies Along My Walkway

It's cold outside, but everything is so warm inside. 

You left not too long ago...and it was almost exactly like every other time you leave...

You leave a half finished cup of coffee on my end table...and every time I catch it out of the corner of my eye...a smile appears instantly. 

The other night, you left a tiny little heart, in black ink, on top of my right hand. When I woke up the next morning, I saw it, and it put me in an amazing mood for the rest of the day.

See,it's just little things like that...stupid, small little things that I notice all the time that makes me feel perfect.

You know what else...the way you stare at me while you're driving...even though you think i dont notice and I'll pretend to look elsewhere...but I know youre looking at me...I can feel your eyes on my skin...

I love the way it feels when we lay together...i love that one time...when we were laying there and you patted your shoulder, as if to say, get into your spot...and i scooted over to lay on you...

I love when we fall asleep...and our noses are almost touching...or the way it feels when i wake up in the morning to look into the most beautiful set of eyes I have ever seen in my life. 

If you ever catch me just staring at you for long periods of time...this is whats going through my head...

I can not believe someone, as wonderful and handsome and perfect as you found me and claimed me for your own. 

I didnt think i could ever be this lucky...

I want to stay with you forever. 

Always your kitten, 

-J.C.

January 8th 2007 2:30PM New York Time

This is is an entry that was originally written in my pen/paper journal...I hope you enjoy it...it takes a lot to share pieces of my journal...so, yeah.

For the first time for 6 years, I feel Ok. It still feels odd being in the same house as someone who almost killed me all those years ago, but it doesn't hurt me anymore. I don't hate him, I don't love him...It's a neutral feeling that doesn't emit my emotion. Sociopathic  almost. And you know what's most bizarre about it? I'm happy. Comfortable. Like, I can freely write, almost as if a decade of leaves have been raked out of my throat. Leaves that look harmless and dry, but underneath that top layer they're wet and slimy. White mold snakes from one leaf to the next. They stick together like floppy pages in  decomposing book. A book that holds ages of stories like the ones I have been writing for my lifetime. But yet, as I keep pulling them out of my throat, the earth pukes more into it like it's disposing of all it's rot, begging me to get rid of it, so I can breathe again and spill stories and words of life across the pages of this journal. So many years of living in disaster have made mountains in my throat, blockading any vocal activity.
But now, for the first time in 6 years, I'm actually writing what comes to my lips. And as my lips part, to spew my words, the cold January rain falls onto them and lets them be moistened. Dry cracked lips that open and close allowing voice to emerge...that's what I feel like today. All this time, I took breaths, hoping some noise would escape...but all that came out a hoarse whisper. But now, i rumble comes from within and  noise explodes from me.

"I am me and these are my words." It continues. "Hear my words." Today was the day I felt alive.

Does any of this make sense? I'm rambling. Rambling is what I am good at. That and running away. I'm good at swallowing more leaves and running away from what I don't understand. Like CJ and Mom. I ran away at the first sign of a failing family. failed family number 3. Krystle told me the other night that the family we had was a dream family. Maybe it was just a dream...All make believe. Something I conjured up to make the useless life I was living seem real. Was CJ and the boys a figment of my overactive imagination or was it all a reality? Was I really part of something wonderful or was it all a facade? Kind of like playing charades...or hide or go seek...I'll hide my eyes and go seek a life I really want.

You must walk alone to find your soul. Have I walked alone long enough to have found my soul? How much longer must I walk to realize that my soul is a part of me that died when CJ left? How much longer can I lie to myself? I'm in a never-ending movie and I despise my character. A movie that I can play and watch as if I'm in it, but watching it and be a critic about my life. My so-called life. Barbed wire and rose petals.

Where will I be in 5 years? Better yet, where does my life lead me this time next year? I just want happiness. Where is the perfect family I crave? Where is my happily ever after?

What if it never comes??

An Unbroken Heart

For the past 24 years, I have lived my life in a fantasy. I conjured up a world where I didnt have to deal with the reality of what was really happening in front of me. The Elsewhere...I call it, Through the years, this world became very real for me...it made the days go by faster and i cried a lot less...

A few months ago...while peeking out of the door of The Elsewhere...Someone spotted me. All they saw was a flash of teased out bleach blond hair and heard my big mouth. Now, it's very rare for me to even open the door to The Elsewhere, because when i do...things like this seem to happen. (not that i mind even one bit this time...i'm just saying)

But anyway...as i was saying...He saw me out of the corner of his eye...one of the first times i opened my door...the next time He saw me...he heard me speak, well, complain more or less...and then He sought me out...Digging through the internet looking for me...because, after all...everyone has a facebook, right? but, alas...He found me...pursued me...because it's rare for someone to get stuck in His mind, like I did...I just think it's amusing how one afternoon, whilst peeking from a crack, He saw me...and I instantly imprinted upon him...I feel like, from THAT moment...He knew exactly who He would spend the rest of his life with.

And from the first moment I lay eyes upon Him...for real...my soul knew where it belonged.

I wonder how often this really happens in someone's lifetime...Probably never. Maybe it would? 

It doesnt matter what happens in other peoples life...what matters is that i found the reason why my heart beats and i now know why i breathe...

And it's all because i cracked open the door to The Elsewhere...and for the first time in my entire life...I let someone come visit me inside...

I hope He likes the gardens.

Insanely yours, 

-J.C.