Ive been reading things that make my mind spin with agony. My heart races to the point where i cant breathe. Somethings should have been erased YEARS ago, and somethings should have never been talked about. I dont even know what the fuck im talking about. I just hurt something wicked right now. Ive been crying, and shaking and pacing and hiccuping. Why? You ask. Because im a silly little girl. THATS why.
Sometimes i feel like im writing in another language. And sometimes i feel that what im writing comes out of an alcohol induced coma....or a cold coffee influenced coma, but a coma none the less, with my crooked spine and numb face. My lips bleeding because they cant speak. They can never speak. They can never smile. But my hands, ooooh, my hands can write. My fingers can sit here and type away at the keyboard. My heart can feel. And it does, regardless of what anyone thinks. I may be a complete mute, but im not incapable of feeling common human emotions...I cry, i scream....i feel.
One person can not save themselves from constant torment though. Especially a mute little girl, whose lips are sewn shut. No singing, no breathing, no speaking, no kisses....no sound....silent like a corpse.
Somedays i feel like a corpse. A rotting, blue corpse. Some days i feel like ive got nothing left to give. Some days i want to just become a corpse...a putrid carcus...my flesh hanging in ribbons off of my broken and fractured ribs. Sometimes, if i lay in the bathtub,I'll see how long i can stay under water with just one breath. I keep my eyes open though, watching the world from under water, like a mermaid or something.
Sometimes i get to the point where i stop eating, and stop drinking, and i lay in my bed until i cant stand the smell of myself rotting. And then i always land a pleasant vacation in the hospital, IV in arm, and holding my hair back as i wretch into the garbage pail to my right.
At times i want to carve the pretty patterns into myself. Like how cavemen carved their adventures on the walls of their caves....i want to carve away my flesh to reveal the adventures i have been on. To show the world what kind of things i have done to myself, because remember now, i cant talk.
Sometimes, ill wrap bandages around my Brilliant eyes and pretend i am blind. I like not being able to see what goes on in the world. But i miss the color, and the sunshine when im blind. Seeing darkness is for inside of my head...not for outside. But its always sucks taking off that blindfold, because the sun burns away my cornias, and it feels like theres sand paper scraping across my pupils.
At times i want to take a scaple and just cut my eyes out of their sockets, and let me be a girl without eyes....just holes in my face....do you think you could read my thoughts if there were no eyes?
Can you read my thoughts right now?
No, your right. Im a closed book right now. And im not even making any sense right now. Just watch me, alright? Watch me fall to my knees and cry my little girl tears. Tears that you have tasted and fed upon for many a night. Tears that melt away my face, like acid, leaving nothing but a jumbled up mess. No nose, no cheek bones, no lips...Just empty. A pair of eyes on a scar. A pair of eyes that show no pigment, just grey. Grey like the rain cloud that follows me around everywhere.
I like to think i am something wonderful. I like to think i am what you have been wishing for. I like to think that the shit im writing here is just my over-active imagination playing a game of Pictionary with me again. I tend to believe that this will all seem like a dream by morning. Maybe im just misunderstood by the way i write. Maybe im a silly girl, like ive said. A mute little girl that cant do anything right.
Sometimes, i dont understand myself...and thats what this is.....something i dont understand. I dont know where it came from, and i dont know what it is....and if i try to smile at you....im just going to break the stitching...Years of cobwebs have filled my mouth anyway...
You wont hear much...
And i love you isnt enough for me anyway....i want to find something else to tell you that....Maybe ill just carve it into myself...like how my adventures are...carved into my flesh...scaring...kind of like....
I'd Do Anything For You....