Thursday, June 30, 2011

A Long Trail

So I have had some time to do nothing...and in reality, i really havent done shit. I guess things with my mother have subsided...shes not jumping down my throat for the littlest thing right now, and I am grateful. Too much stress makes my entire world feel pointless...

I had a job interview last night, and it looks promising...she said she would be in touch with me sometime this I await for the phone call. I'll tell you what the job is when I speak to her again...i dont want to jinx it. 

Ya know, as each day passes, i get more and more anxious to find a place with Adam. I seriously hate feeling like i am stuck...the past 3 nights have been lovely...we stayed at his house and it kind of felt like I hope it will feel for when we move in together. Just, free to do what we want...without someone nagging and come and go, or even just stay, as we want. Hopefully, (please!) this job comes through quickly...and I can restart the savings jar...An apartment for him and I is ALL i want right now. Nothing else matters, other then that to me...I just want it, so bad. I wish there was something I could do to make a butt load of money like, super fast...I even wish that taking a personal loan out wouldnt be so wouldnt even have to be that much. Maybe like, 4,000$ worth of loan...we could get a nice apartment, set everything up and have enough money to get some furniture and stuff we would need. 

Ugh...I'm day dreaming again...

I have a piece that will be in Otherwise Caffeinated for July...Make sure you guys check it out...and check out the writings of the other authors that are on there...there is always something worth reading :)

Ill talk to you guys soon and Ill let you know how that job plays out. 

Fingers crossed, with hands raised to the sky,

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Arsenic In My Tea

Once again, my days have seemed to have collided into each other. Everything seems like a blur. I havent been able to get onto my laptop for about 4 days now, but i will explain why in a bit. I guess, lets start at the beginning of last week, sometime.
I worked at Friday's on June 14th...that following Wednesday morning, i get a phone call around 7:30 AM from female manager saying how shes getting my shifts covered until our GM gets back from vacation...So i was suspended. She told me to come in the following Monday around 2PM to speak with him. So, Monday rolls around, and I had to call a good friend of mine to come pick me up so he could bring me to Friday's for my meeting with the GM...I get there, right on time...and then Im told that the GM isnt coming back from vacation until the following day and they werent sure why i was told Monday when female manager knew perfectly well when the GM got back. Awesome job, wasted my fucking time.
So the following day, I get there around 2:30 and I had to sit and wait for almost a half hour before the GM would speak to me. Some shit about a conference call. So finally, we sit down, and he starts the conversation off with, "Im sorry, but we no longer have a job here for you." And THEN says, "But tell me what happened." What the fuck does it matter if i tell you what happened? I could tell you pink circus elephants ran through the dining room that night and it wouldnt have mattered one bit what came out of my mouth...So, beings i was already fired...the words that flew out of my mouth came out like liquid fire. I told him what happened with the table that complained and how the table next to it told the other manager on duty how they didnt know what was going on but i was a great server. I told him I thought it was wrong that female manager was the one to speak to me when HE was the one that wrote me up...he proceeded to tell me that he only came in to do the write up and told her to speak to me...I told him that I thought it was ridiculous and unprofessional that he couldnt speak to me when he was the one who did the write up. He tells me that it was his vacation and time off, so thats why he didnt. And i told him that it was HIS responsibility as the manager that wrote me up to talk to me and that female manager was rude to me when she did. He said he would address it with her. (yeah right!) I told him i was upset i had to drag my ass there the day before for no reason...he said he told female manager to call me....i told him  she didnt, so that was a direct failure in management, like always when it came to her.  I told him that things have gone into a downward spiral since she got there and will continue doing so. He replied with, I can say the same about your serving. Thats what lit the fire...I said, No, excuse me...this isnt a tit for tat nor is it a reason to insult the general manager you are obligated to treat your employees, firing them or not, with respect...and i didnt insult you, do not insult me. He said the only thing he could do for me wasting my time yesterday is buy me lunch. I told him, no thank you...i didnt want anything from him and as far as i was concerned that meeting was over. He said i could use him as a reference for another job. I stood up, and said, As i said, i do not want anything from you, and once again, thank you for wasting my time...I said good bye to the other manager that was sitting there, and walked out.
 I thought it was going to feel more like a walk of shame walking out of there, but it didnt. I held my head high. I was proud of the things i said...they were true and i hope they hit home for him...and maybe hopefully something with be said to female manager... Even though I was wrongly fired,  beings we are in the lovely state of NY, employers do not need a reason to fire...So, the job I loved and loved doing is taken from me...leaving me with nothing. For a second there, i was slightly discouraged on my life long dream on owning my own bar and grill...but who is he to make me feel like that? My dream still stands.
Then, merely a few days later, my mother decided she wanted to have one of her fits. She told me she was sick of the bullshit and that I needed to move out. I have a week to do so. Why, you ask? Because thats what she does. She complains about how she gets no she does everything and how we are supposed to be a team...but truth be told, i DO things around the house. Just a day before this argument with her, i cleaned. I made sure everything looked nice for when she got home from work. She didnt have anything to say then, now did she? Now, its not that i despise my mother for doing what shes just in a seriously rough spot right now, and she has to put more burden and stress on me. She KNOWS i dont have anywhere to go. She knows if she throws me out, then I will end up living in a park or something somewhere...I have nothing. How am i supposed to make something of my life and get back on my feet when shes not giving me any air to breathe? I am so lost right now, its not even funny.  To make it even better, She unplugged the router so I cant even have internet to apply to jobs or ATTEMPT to find somewhere to live and she told me I couldnt use the washer and dryer. I am afraid to shower or eat anything for fear of setting her off even more. I cant do anything without messing it up more, so i sit in silence, locked in my room...ive been doing it for days. The less she sees of me, the better.
I havent been this depressed in a very very long time. I feel like there isnt anything that i can do to make my life better. There isnt a hope...not even a glimmer of some sort of break from all of this.
I dont think I ask for too much. All i want is what anyone else would want...A decent job, a place to live that i can call my own....I just hurt so bad. I feel like the weight of the world is on my throat...Im drowning...falling deeper and deeper into this depression...Ive been crying so much that it burns my eyes to the point where i fall asleep without warning...I vomited this morning from coughing so much...
I thought things were going well...that i was finally making something of my life...that i was finally an asset to society...and then all that BULLSHIT happened with Fridays, sending me back into a world of shit and poverty.
I should be used to this. I should be used to this cycle I have lived for my ENTIRE life. I have never had it easy, ever for a little while...I have always struggled...and i will continue to struggle and be brought down. There isnt anything that can stop it because this was the life i was born into. These were the gifts I was given...
Yes, I have dreams and desires...but the way things are looking...This is it for me. Feeling empty and sad, locked in a bedroom, while the world spins around me.
I wish, with everything I had, that i had wings that work. I dont want to be here anymore.  I feel like when i come back to NY, it sucks the life right out of me. But, I have no choice but to stay and suffer. I have never made anyone proud before, why bother starting now?
I think im going to be sick again.

With bile burning my throat,

Monday, June 13, 2011

Corporate Equals Shit

I have never, in my 8 years of working in the restaurant business, felt like I did today.  As you all know, for the past month and a half, I have been working at Friday's. I have been making alright tips and new friends there and I was actually starting to enjoy being back in the fast paced hospitality atmosphere...until this afternoon, when I thought I was going to smack the living piss out of someone if they even looked at me funny.

So, all of the policies changed facial piercings, no visible tattoos are allowed to show...etc...Well, one afternoon, about a week ago, as I was getting ready to cash out, a fellow female coworker says to me, "You know you arent allowed to have that in, right?" (Because I had forgotten to take out my nose ring earlier that day) and I nodded and said Yes...So, I go into the office to turn in my paperwork and money and the new female manager says to me, "If you are not willing to abide by the new corporate policies, then when you leave today, then you can stay gone." And then she proceeds to tell me that said coworker brought to her attention I still had in my nose ring, and I shrugged it off like it didnt matter. Ok, first off, I never said it didnt matter...I just didnt find it necessary to remove my piercing since I was cashing out and leaving...So, female manager basically told me to remove my nose stud right in front of her...So, I did...But, umm...really? I was done with work and I was going home...Was there any other reason she was telling me to take it out in front of her other then because she could?? Fucking bitch. How come I get a ten minute lecture on a nose stud but another girl can have her tattoos out in plain sight? She has tattoos on her wrist and no one has said anything to her about them...but the rest of us with tattoos have to wear long sleeves...or take out piercings or cover them with band-aids but since she's one of the closest friends of the girl who tattled on me, its ok? No, its not fucking ok...its hypocritical bullshit.

So then, the other night, I put in a to go order for one of the hostesses and fucking forgot to hit the to go button on it, even though it was labeled 5007 on the screen in the back, which is a to go order...but didnt end up in a to go box and a male coworker brought it out to me and handed me the plate and I was like, oh snap, thats a to go, let me throw it in a box...But before I could do so,  he snatched the plate out of my hands and walked away shaking his head...Dude, really? It was a fucking accident...There is NO fucking need to act that was a straight up mistake, that I was going to correct, that wasnt a big deal to begin with...fucking relax. 

Then theres a female bartender that I think feels like shes better then everyone else and can do no wrong and talk to who she wants however she feels like...Example? Yes, I have one...So the other day, I walk past the bar after dropping off some stuff to a table and shes standing behind the bar with a bottle of sanitizer spraying the air,the bar and the beer taps...I kind of raised an eyebrow at her, wondering why she was spraying everything that comes in contact with peoples mouths...and she says, in the nastiest tone ever, "Dont look at me like that..." and continues spraying chemicals everywhere...Seriously, you fucking cunt? You are doing something you shouldnt be doing and when I give you a quizzical look you act like what you are doing isnt stupid and I am the dumb one for looking at you, confused...Come to find out, she was spraying bugs that were flying around because theres a fruit fly problem around the bar...everyone knows it, even guests because well, you can fucking see them...Dont they make traps for those kinds of situations? I wonder what Eco Sure would think of that if they walked in there while she was doing that...Fucking dumb ass. 

So, as I'm cashing out today, pain in the ass female manager asks me if our GM talked to me...and I said No, because he didnt...and she hands me a piece of paper...I read it...And apparently I am snotty to coworkers and there was a guest complaint because I was snotty to them also. SNOTTY?! The fucking write up said I was snotty, exact words...Are you seriously fucking kidding me right now?? I do NOT talk down to people or give guests attitude, or coworkers for that matter! Why would I treat guests fucked up when they are the ones currently paying my bills?!!? Why would I give them attitude when I know its going to matter when it comes time for them to tip me??? HOW STUPID IS THAT!?!? So I signed the stupid fucking write up even though I should have waited to talk to my GM...But again, I have a feeling it wouldnt have mattered to him anyway because its alright for other coworkers to give straight up attitude to other coworkers and talk down to people, right?? Of course it is.   -.-

I am already seriously fucking sick of this place and I have only been there for a month and a half...Nothing is equal and its absolute SHIT...its always corporate this and corporate that...but its not corporate...its favoritism and its WRONG. It just makes me want my own bar and restaurant sooner so I dont have to deal with the nonsense of being someone else's puppet...a nameless, faceless flair covered fucking robot...I just feel like if youre going to have rules, they need to be enforced and everyone should be included...not just a select few people...

Here is the definition for the day: The notion of "micro-management" can be extended to any social context where one person takes a bully approach, in the level of control and influence over the members or member of a group. Often, this excessive obsession with the most minute of details causes a direct management failure in the ability to focus on the major details.

I fucking hate people...I really do. But I need this job...There isnt anything I can do about it except suck it up and deal with the fucking abuse. 

Continuing to be a slave to society, 

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

It's Worth It All

All of my memories keep you near...
And the stars shining in the sky remind me that everything works itself out.
A gentle kiss confirms it.
Darling, you know I love you till the end of time.

There is so need for fighting. No need for worries or doubts or explanations.
Just close your eyes and feel the way the night wraps you into its blanket of velvet navy skies.

Feel the way it makes your soul sigh with relief.
There's always time to worry about things.
But there's not enough time to be together...
We will grow lets enjoy each other while we still have each other.

Lets live our life with no missed moments...
Hand in hand walking together toward the end of time...
Never looking back and wondering " What if......?"

And in these silent moments, I close my eyes and listen to my heart beating with its imperfection ...I see your perfect blue eyes, that still take my breath away...gazing upon me. And when I see you smile at me, while the world spins around us, it reminds me again and again and again...

Its all worth it.

Painting sunsets over sheltering skies for you, 

Monday, June 6, 2011

Shallow Water

Nothing matters when the one you love is fighting with you. Nothing. Not the pain in your side, not the taste of blood in your mouth, not the way your lips are numb...nothing. 
All you want to do is curl up in fetal position and cry yourself into a sleep where you dont dream so there is just silence. Silence that resembles the quiet of a snow storm. Soft, colorless...and silent.

There is nothing worse then the way it feels when you watch them leave after an argument. The feeling of become tired all of a sudden and weak...your stomach turns and retches bile into your throat...Cold sweats followed by the shakes. Sometimes tears comes, sometimes your face aches too much and they burn your cheeks, sometimes there isnt tears at all...All dried up...

Then after the hurt and sad pass, anger swells...You clench your fists until your knuckles turn white...You bite your tongue until blood pours from your say things you know you shouldnt be saying but because all you see is red, they spew out of your mouth like hot venom that burns your lovers soul with every syllable. But you dont have any feelings right now...just anger and you proceed to throw up word vomit.

Its just not a nice feeling...and I am sure many of you have felt the same way I do right now. Just so overwhelmed by the fact that someone can just walk away from you and not tell you they love you...just because they are pissed off there was a disagreement. What if I died in my sleep...and the last thing you remember is leaving me sitting at a table, in a white dress...and not telling me Goodnight and you loved me before you left...That image would haunt you for the rest of your life. The woman you love would be gone, and you would never be able to tell her you loved her ever again...

There would be forever regret.

I would be a bride that never made it to say her vows...I hope they would bury me in a wedding gown...with flowers in my hair. 

This is me just being dramatic...I am sad and this kind of thing happens when I get hurt. 

I am going to bed...going to cry myself to sleep, where I dont dream... just so there is silence. 
Soft, colorless...and a snow storm.

Trying to tune out the ringing in my ears, 

Summer Sets In

The cold winter has finally broke and summer is settling in over the Hudson Valley. I am so glad for the warm weather and sun. So so glad. 

There has been much going on...

Working at Friday's is paying off, although I am going to have to quit Cumberland. Fridays has me scheduled full time hours and believe me when I say I make more money there in 2 weeks then I think I have made from Cumberland since I started in December. NO joke. It's actually starting to get Adam and I caught up and I even have a little savings. Just a little bit, but its a start. 

Theres so much that I have to save for...The wedding, buying a house... (apartment first though, pleasssssse asap!) that sometimes, while I am counting out the jar, I get slightly overwhelmed by how little is actually in there. But I guess its better then nothing?

I have off this Wednesday and Thursday...and I am seriously really wanting to go to the beach to just absorb some of its power into me. I need the sun and the sand and the surf washing over my toes. I need to lay in the sand and take in the sun and I need to build sand castles and I need to kiss Adam on the shore...mmm, beach heaven. 
I always get so much clearer and things flow out of me easier after a beach trip. It has something to do with the air or the water...or something...But all I know is that I sit in front of my laptop and I cant work on the second book because there is a fog that has settled over the Elsewhere that doesnt want to leave. It may have to do with the warm air and the cold ground...but I am pretty sure its just crazy ass writer's block that doesnt want to quit it. So, in short...I need the beach please...And this Wednesday is going to be in the upper 90's at maybe, juuust maybe....depends on how much money I make tomorrow at Fridays, i guess. We shall see. 
I feel good, you guys...really. I dont think theres anything to be upset with right now. Im working, like whoa, just like I wanted...I have THE best hunny bunny everrrr...Money in my pocket, coffee in my mug, a book to read and cigarettes to smoke. Oh, and I have a bunch of strawberries on my plant outside...they are so cute! And they taste like summer. I cant wait for the rest of the garden to do its thing...I am so excited about it. It looks really good...theres a ton of plants in there...I am super excited about the watermelon though...I have never grown melons, so I am kind of anxious to see how they come out. 

I guess thats enough out of me. Sorry its been so far between journalings...Like i said, Im working a lot and I forgot how much the restaurant business wears you out. 
Swimming in the Elsewhere's fog,