Onward Marching With Gray Clouds

Christmas came...and went...And as it passed through the homes of many bringing joy, excitement, new things...it brought an ending of a chapter in my life's story. 

I wrote a blog just after midnight on Christmas day...and no sooner was I done spilling my overly fuzzed out thoughts of perfection...my Grandma padded her way down the hall to my mom's room, and asked her to come quickly. Merely minutes after I posted my previous blog...my Grandpa had passed away from a massive heart attack whilst sleeping on the couch in the living room. While I was writing, my grandfather was dying. 

It was such an odd turn of events for my joyous christmas. 

But, when one chapter ends in my life...another always seems to begin directly after. I suppose that's the way it's supposed to play out though...when you read a book...doesn't it always work that way?

Christmas went as normal as possible after everyone returned home from Saint Luke's. We opened gifts and made dinner...

Adam was with me, through the whole thing...he held me when I cried, pet me until I fell asleep...Without him just being near me through this whole ordeal...I probably would have seriously lost it...and no running my fingers through my hair would have helped. He is seriously my savior...he's saved me from so much, that I couldnt even begin to tell you how grateful I really am. The bond that him and I share is so unlike anything I have ever experienced before. It's like he knows every tear before it falls. He knows when to touch me...he knows when to leave me alone...he knows exactly what to say to me and when to say it. 

He knows how much a simple touch of his hand can steady my own shaking ones. 

So, although Destiny has pulled a piece of my life away from me...it has also given me something so wonderful and pure and beautiful that I should drop to my knees and thank the Gods for leading me to him. My heart has never felt so full...so complete then it does right now. This is where I am planning to spend my forever...no matter what. My soul belongs entwined to his. When I look into his eyes and see him smile at me...every bad thing that has ever happened...every heartache I have ever felt...every tear that i have ever cried out of misery......it doesnt exist anymore...and all that matters is his presence. All that matters is that moment...and i can NOT wait to spend every moment, for the rest of my entire life, being with him, loving him, protecting him, and sharing myself with him...for as long as we both shall live.

I know a blog/journal entry isnt the best way to confess my undying devotion to you, Adam Edwards...but for me, it's easier to do so then it is to speak.

I promise, with everything I have, to always be by your side...through thick and thin...and I will do anything in my power to make sure that your life is full of happiness and love and never ending bliss...My heart belongs to you...every last beating inch of it. My body, my soul, my mind...everything that is me, belongs to you...and I can not tell you enough how greatly i love you. And i will love you, honor you and forever and always give myself to you...as long as there is breath in my body. Forever Faithfully, I am yours. 

I can't wait for our life to root itself...and we can watch it blossom as each day passes. 

I long for sleep. My eyes are screaming at me to shut them, so I suppose I will end this on that note. 

Loving without any doubts, 

-J.C.

A Christmas Message

It just turned Midnight...it is now officially Christmas Day and my heart is so full of fuzz and things that are wonderful, that if I were to explode, I would shoot out super amounts of love and it would be gross and disgusting but totally awesome at the same time!

But in all seriousness. This Christmas is feeling like it's the best one I have experienced by far. I am with my family for the first time in a few years...and I have an amazing boyfriend that's spending it with me also. My grandparents are up from North Carolina to spend Christmas with us...It feels so perfect.

I dont know what I would do if i was stuck in some other state by myself this year. I dont know why I always went searching for another place to be then the one place i was SUPPOSED to be. 

I know exactly where I belong...it just took a little bit to figure it out....damn those life lessons. 

So, I guess this is the part where I tell everyone what I am thankful for and all that jazz, like I always do around this time of year. 

But all that you need to know...that the one thing I am most thankful for is being right here, right now...with the people that are around me and the people that are going to share this amazing day with me. 

My heart is seriously full. 

I hope everyone has a great holiday...whether is be Yule...Christmas...or any of those other holidays that other people from a different faith celebrate around this time of the season. 

The message of Christmas is that the visible material world is bound to the invisible spiritual world.

Forever yours, 

-J.C.

Word Vomit

Tonight, I cried for the first time in a long time. I don't know if it was from the absolute terror of being alone or if it was because I have such high expectations of people and they always seem to fail me with their inferno fuck me eyes. 

I just want everything to be perfect. I don't want to fail at anything anymore...so what is it going to take? What is it going to take to prove to everyone that I'm not a disappointment...so I can make my mama proud...?

How many more men am I going to chase away because my idea of a relationship is completely different from theirs? Will I ever find complete and total happiness or will I always be stuck in this pattern of never ending disgust? What drastic measures must I take for people to notice me? 

I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a room filled with people, screaming at the top of my lungs and not one single person even glances my way. 

I'm not taking proper precautions to prevent explosive mood fluxes...And i don't care...it's better this way. Maybe I may finish writing my book. 

I can feel my entire world shifting...A brand new kind of gravity that's pulling me in all sorts of crazy directions...As if my whole body is changing. I wonder why...I wonder what it is that's making me have the same kind of dream every night...I like what they are telling me. I like it a lot... But I must remain silent about my pleasure of said dreams for the fear of disturbing someone. 

Maybe all I am is a disturbance to the balance of things. 

I have never wanted to fly as much as I do right now. Ever.

Everything is feeling unpleasant today...My abdomen is crampy, my stomach is nauseous and in knots, my back is sore, my shoulder is stiff...I wish something would just put me out of my misery...like they do to lame horses...bullet, right between the eyes. 

But I must not be selfish. I am going to attempt to not throw off the balance anymore. I won't be a burden any longer. 

I just need to sleep for a few years and wake up when the world needs me. 

Profoundly yours,

-J.C.

There Is Fire Blazing Inside Of Me

There has NEVER felt so much passion before...IN MY LIFE. 

I catch myself staring at you when you're not even looking at me. 

I catch myself staring even when you are looking at me. Looking into your eyes, reading you...feeling you burn my skin with those forever deep eyes. 

I can NOT imagine being without you...Not having you...You came at the most perfect time...

And like you said...Our connection is without a doubt strong. Bonding. Ever lasting. 

I feel as if you and I have been standing at each others sides for a lifetime...and you have only known me for less then 2 months. I feel as if I ask you something...I would know the answer even before my question has left my lips. As if you are inside of me...grasping my heart...reading my thoughts...preying on my soul..

But you can't prey upon something that belongs to you. 

When I close my eyes...I see things that dance in my memory...And I haven't said anything to you about it, because then, you may think i am strange...I see our entire life flash behind my eye lids. Moving into our first apartment together... I see the day we bind ourselves to each other. I see buying our first house and running through the empty rooms, hand in hand, laughing...I see our first child being born and placed into your arms as tears are streaming down your cheeks as you cry your happiness...I see us cutting the ribbon on our restaurant together...  I see us watching our children grow, learn and then leave us...and sitting side by side on a porch swing as we retell our stories from our wonderful, beautiful and perfect life.

I want to stay with you forever. I feel so sure about this. So 100% sure. No doubts. No second guessing. 

I guess all i need to know is....Will you, my darling, make me your wife? 

Make me proud to call myself yours. To share your every need, desire, regret and sorrow with me. To stand by me, through dark times and walk hand in hand through the light. To kiss every ache, soothe every pain and wipe away every tear. 

I love you...with every breath I have...with everything I have to offer. 

I can not wait...

Baring everything, 

-J.C.

I Bleed My Heart Out Just For You

The night is quiet and dark. There is a glow in this room, as the Christmas tree throws off its colors from the lights. I sit, alone...drowning in my own thoughts.

I have never been so petrified about anything, but at the same time...excited. I can not wait to see what the future holds for us. I don't want this to turn into another one of those awful things I am so used to...one of those things i dread when I open my eyes in the morning.

I bleed my heart out on this paper...For you....So you can see what I can't say. 

Tomorrow is like an unwritten fairy tale for us. 

But like all endings...They lived happily ever after. 

Promise me your forever. Promise me your love eternal. Promise me this is it. That our forever starts now. 

I want your promises. I want you to swear. I want you to never lie to me. Keep things from me. I want it all. 

May I please have it all? All the words of endearment? All the pleasures of having your life?

You make me feel like this joke I call my life is worth living.

You have given me something to live for. 

All for you,

-J.C.

Roses Bloom From The Frozen Ground

I have never felt so full of life as I have felt in the past few weeks. I've danced harder...laughed louder and loved fuller then I ever have. 

And I couldn't be any happier. 

I just feel like sometimes, my emotions scare people. The dedication and desire that I show is frightening...or maybe unbelievable. But I want you to know, there is NOTHING this world will throw at me that I wont fight through to keep you at my side. You mean everything to me. Everything. You show me the world through your brilliant eyes. You give me passion and devotion when you touch my skin and set it afire. When your lips graze mine...i fall to pieces. 

And i love every second of it. 

Please let our seconds turn into years. Many many moons. 

I dont think I have ever wanted anything as much as i do you. 

I give you my every breath.

Eternally your Goddess, 

-J.C.

Lost Before Dawn

The time has flown by so quickly and yet crawled. I dont know what exactly my head has been doing. New beginnings have happened...past whatevers dying hard. Its so hard to stay focused on one thing...I keep bouncing, looking for another pointless thing to consume my empty...swallow the void. 

But what IS the void? What is the something I need?

I know exactly what it is. But I dare not say it.  I dare not say aloud what it is i want so badly.

Sigh. 

All i hear is an organ right now...playing haunting but beautiful music. It's beckoning me to come dance...to strip off my long tattered and dirty dress and dance sky clad in the dark frosty night. The velvet sky that sparkles with diamonds smiles at me and the darkness is like an open mouth greeting me with absolute hunger. It yearns for me. For my warmth. My youth. For my anger.

Maybe I'll just sleep away my desires. The night can not have me this time.

Howling at the moon and fighting off the change, 

-J.C.