History Repeats Itself

I am so sick and fucking tired of feeling alone. I hate it with every thing inside of me. I can lock myself up in my room and listen to music....write....like I used to, but it doesnt help anymore. I crave the wind in my hair. I crave the ocean round my ankles....the sand under my toes. I crave wings that work.

I cant beg harder then I already am for you to open your eyes and see the world around us. Just open them...Let the sunlight make your blue eyes sparkle. Just tell me you love me one more time. And mean it.

I dont want 'someone like you'......I want YOU.

I miss what it feels like to just sleep soundly. I get interrupted by the sound of waves inside of my head...Like they are calling to me. This sudden warm weather doesnt help. Do i want to be grounded? Or do I want to fly?

I know the answer to that....I want to fly, with you holding my hand. 

I just want to break the redundancy. I want to escape everything that comes my way. But, not alone. 

I used to be the girl who would sit alone for hours and hours and hours writing...Spilling out my entire thought process...but the stuff I write now doesnt make any sense and no one can understand it. They dont know what I am thinking anymore. Im not an open book like I used to be. I closed the door to The Elsewhere a long time ago. I am sorry that you weren't there when I was telling you I was drowning...And I am sorry that you dont have a key. Theres only one, and i wear it around my neck. Nothing is blooming in here anyway...you arnt missing much. But I am sorry that you feel like we have to speak to each other through a wall now....You should have grabbed my hand and had me pull you inside the gate when I told you I was shutting down. But you chose not to. You werent interested in coming inside. 

Why cant anyone fix me? Why do I have these fractured pieces of porcelain laying at my feet? Why is my painted smiled flaking off of my face? Why are my limbs slowly ceasing? Spiderwebs have made a home in my mouth. Mold has caked inside of my throat.

I felt this way only one other time...When I almost jumped off the bridge...to take on a watery demise.

I just need to dance my way back into your heart.

Kicking and screaming to stay alive,

-J.C.

Falling Harder....Everyday

The days seem to keep getting harder and harder. Some days I wake up and I can't breathe...Like there is a brick on my chest. 

I am just so sick of all the redundancy. I hate my job, i hate where i live, i hate not being able to travel, i hate doing the same things every day. The same routine....How can anyone stand doing the same shit all the time? 

I wish i could fly. 

I know I have to hold on...I know I am stronger then this...I have to fight through this...I have to keep struggling to breathe because I dont have any other choice. I have to suck it up...be a big girl....wait my turn for greatness...

Whenever that may be. 

I am standing still again...in a room surrounded by people...screaming at the top of my lungs and not one person can hear me. 

And you wonder why I am so sad all the time. Its so hard to draw the line to where the memories started of being sad....to where they should have ended.....I know nothing BUT sadness. That's all i have ever lived. Spoonfuls of anguish is all I have ever been fed. 

I'm such a whiny fucking bitch. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling tortured by the thoughts in my head. I wish they would stop. I wish the static would go away. I wish, just for once, things were going to be ok. 

Trying to kill the noise, 

-J.C.

Dancing In The Winter Wind

As unhappy I am about this postponing of Adam's and my wedding...I guess there are some right reasons for it. The main thing I actually thought about was, "Hey! We'll get to go through another Christmas and I can actually find some white lights!" 

I just hate that we have to wait longer. But, I suppose since we love each other like we do, it doesn't really matter when we get married, right? It just sucks. 

Hopefully, by this time next year, we will have our own house that we don't have to worry about walking around naked in. Like, I could totally streak from the bedroom to the bathroom and not worry about getting busted. Ha!

I could totally cook naked too....just saying. Sorry about the visuals. (giggles)

On another note, today, I am going to go take the test for my learners permits at DMV... Yes...I feel like I am like a teenager again. I cant really believe that I have to start all over again. Adam says I am making progress towards getting my license back...but when I walked out of DMV last week, I felt so discouraged...Like it didn't matter where I was with progress because I feel like I am back to square one. Kind of like, I lost faith in myself. I shouldn't have waited so long to get this taken care of. But, I guess everything for a reason. 

 What ever that reason my be... -.-

I am actually kind of nervous about this test...Like I feel like, I have been driving wrong for the past ten years...illegally, but still. So I have to learn how to drive right all over again because I will have to take another road test too. As well as a 5 hour course.

But I guess thats all the update that I have...And I will let everyone know how the test today turns out. I really hope I pass it. I read the book...but I really feel like they are going to nail me with a question that I am going to be like...."Ummmmm...." The first time I took the test, I only one wrong....so HOPEFULLY that's what happens today. Maybe, even not any of them any wrong....

Thanks for listening.

-J.C.