Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Swirling In Circles Under The Stars

I had a dream of you. It surprised me and made me wish you could be nearer to me. 

I was sitting under a apple tree, my horse grazing nearby and i was bathing in the moonlight. The breeze caught my hair and made it dance on the wind. It smelled like apples, dead leaves and cinnamon. I heard horse hooves beating the earth...coming closer...faster...

Then you were there...pulling me to my feet and pressing me to you. 
Everything faded and we were in a ballroom. We danced, swirled in circles, our eyes never parting. Our own personal waltz. 

Again, everything fading, and you were sitting at a piano, candles were everywhere...making shadows dance across your face. You played for me...and i swooned. The room spun. 
I felt myself falling...the music overcoming me. 

You caught me, and dipped me low, pressing your lips to mine. 

And i awoke. Sweating and chest heaving. 

It felt so real.

Wishing with all my heart, 

Monday, October 25, 2010

Wishful Thinking, Vulgarian

So, I ran the first experiment I have done in awhile this past weekend, and the result was exactly what I had expected. 

Exactly. What. I. Expected.

Most men are foul, abhorrent creatures that completely pique me.
Here's what happened and I am sorry it's so long, but it's ridiculously hilarious:

So, Friday evening, I left my house early to get up to work so I can clean the makeup building out, again...And when I got there, Johnny was showing 2 new security personal around the grounds and through the attractions so they could start working that night. So I followed them through, pointing out all the little trap doors and such that they could sneak out of or into, if need be. After the tour was over, I resumed my position in the makeup building so I could start doing the makeup for our lovely Terrordome critters so we could start our show...after all, call is at 6PM. 

Halfway through the evening...Johnny comes into my building, (while we had a few minutes of down time) and asks to see my iPhone. I respond with, "Why?" like any normal person would...and he says, "Just lemme see it." So i hand it to him...and he starts adding a contact into my phone...and I say..."Whose that?" And he says, One of the new security guys...he asked me to do this." So, he proceeds to send a text message to him from my phone, and it reads, "Yo, its Jayme." And he hands me my phone, and leaves. 
So, I'm standing there like, Huh? And then my phone vibrates...and it's him and he says, "Wow, I'm really surprised Johnny did his job." 
Come to find out...he had asked Johnny to put his number in my phone...why? Well, you're about to find out. 

All night this kid is texting me. All sorts of, what he likes to do, where he works, where he lives....this and that...normal conversation of two people who just met. So, later on in the evening...He starts saying things along the lines of..."We should be fuck buddies. It's been awhile for me, and you look like you could use it." And in response to that...i said "Huh?" 
The conversation progressed from there...and he made it very clear about how I'm "hot" and he wants to "get it in" but we have to "keep it a secret" and "be very discreet and act like we don't know each other at work." 

I dont know about you, but thats shady. Umm, everyone in my building knows Johnny put his number in my phone and knows I talk to let's be more awkward and "...act like we dont know each other at work." So, all weekend he was on my ass about coming home with me, coming to my house in the AM for some "good morning fuck-age" and he kept saying things like, "Idc where or when, as long as i'm fucking."

Well, Mr. I Think I Know How These Games Work....You have another thing coming, because I invented this sport. 

So, he asked me about being married because of my marital status on Facebook...and I told him I wear a wedding band...blah blah...and he says to me, "You should wear it when I'm fucking you." and the only response I had to that was "Yeah?" And he says..."Yeah, as long as I'm fucking you."
Well, needless to say, I have been making up excuse after excuse about being occupied and/or busy and not being able to hook up...Because to be frank, I was and am completely and utterly disgusted by the fact that he would even have the nerve to pull something like this. I am your superior at work, you dumb shit!

So, any who...he was asking about coming over Sunday morning to, "Get it in." and Sunday morning rolls around and I "just got called into work, I'll hit you up later on." And I went back to sleep. I get up around 4, beings I didn't sleep well after work the prior night, start getting my Terrordome things together and I have a text message that reads..."times ticking...what are you waiting for." And all that's going through my head is...this guy won't give up until he gets what he is after!! 
But I ignored it anyway. 

Later on at work, I'm putting the actor's makeup on...and i hear something that makes me listen a little closer. Johnny is telling someone i work with.... the security guard wants him to give her his number. So Johnny proceeds to take her phone and put his number in it...And I think to myself...really? So, me trying to prove my point...I text him with the following..."Hey, I'm really is killing me...but we'll get together sometime this week." A few seconds pass, and i get a reply. "I'm busy. Thanks anyway. Just friends." And i sent back..."Bwahahahaha, I kind of figured. And she has a boyfriend, so good luck with that." And I didnt get a reply after that.

OK, now here is the issue. This mother fucker WORKS with both of us. (pre-mentioned girl and I) Why the hell would he think he could just go around fucking every girl that would even look at him? Oh, I know why...because you're a ignorant meat head with the brain capacity of a dog drooling on a female in heat.  So, I let a mutual friend know what kind of games this cock sucker is playing, and to let other friend know before she makes a fool out of herself. 

See, I do this research and experimenting for the sake of all the women out there that have a guy like this buzzing around them like a fly over a pile of shit. Guys who think they are hot shit and can get whatever girl they show tiny spark of interest in. News flash...You are NOT all that. So here's a hint...Go to the gym, go tanning and go get your laundry done...because for some reason, you feel like your life is one big episode of The Jersey Fucking Shore. 

I wish I had a photo to post with this entry...So you could see how much of a philistine he is and have a good laugh about it....

What a complete sloven fool. 

Stopping douche bags in their tracks one by one, 

Monday, October 18, 2010

Start Bleeding... Stop Breathing

I long for something exciting. 
I want another adventure.
I need some relief.

Make me into what you need.
Cut into me and take out what you want.
Satisfy your greed. 

I am weak. 
I am crippled.
My body nothing more then a sheet in the breeze. 

Consume me and make me complete. 

Let me please you.
Soothe the addiction. 

Welcome to the slaughter. 
It's your craving.

Bind. Torture. Kill. 

My blood...Your ecstasy.
My pain...Your fantasy.

On my knees, 

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Un Fantasma Tra Noi

There is something missing. I have done nothing but sit alone for days and then endless nights. Pacing the hall, wearing ruts in the floor...carving out a trench with my walking. 
It's so cold outside and the sky hasn't been beautiful since the last time i saw your face. 
I don't know why i let things torture me like this. 

But it hurts. 
Like I have shards of glass running through my veins.

Why do people die when they look at me? When they taste my mouth...When their fingers get lost in my hair...

My ears are ringing. They have been since last week. I wish for silence, and then I go deaf. 

No one will answer my calls...No one wants to hear from the mute, dirty little girl. They have moved onto bigger and better...

There is nothing left to be curious about...And i broke my promise...

I feel like I will always remain alone.


Monday, October 11, 2010

More Concerned With The Temporary Pleasures Of This World

Its been a week...of silence...Its pulling me under...drowning in quicksand.
The bruises you left on my chest have faded. 
But the scars are still there.
The pressure around my throat is missed.
My face is sullen.
Showing the neglect.
Chanting into the wind.
Singing about vivid transparencies.

I miss the abuse. If abuse it what you can call wanted pain.

Dance the night away because tomorrow we will look back and talk about good times now gone forever.

Chasing endless pipe dreams,

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Where I Belong...

So, I havent actually written a legit journal entry, so i guess thats what this one will be. 
TerrorDome started again, and It is exactly where i belong...I can not believe i missed last season, and it feels so natural, so right being back. Ive missed it so much. 

But meanwhile...I have been getting more and more irritated with people. I don't like being ignored. I shouldn't be ignored. I shouldn't have to feel like I did something wrong. Its not fair, and i hate every second of it. It feels like im going slightly, i just look for a reason to be upset. 

I just want things to be normal. 
A normal job.
My own place where i can have a garden.
A happy relationship that made me excited. 

When will happiness find me?

Swallowing cobwebs,

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

My Mouth Is Like A Grenade

As I raise my head towards the heavens...
to take one last look at the moon...
the stars begin to fall.

Its rained for 5 days straight...All gray and gloomy and I feel white washed...
Biting my tongue until it bleeds...I am getting bored. 
Sitting in one place, counting the floor tiles...over and over and over...
Sometimes getting the same number...then starting over. 

I need something to break the redundancy. 

Maybe I'll count the fibers in the carpet.

Sitting crossed legged in front of the fire...letting it blister my skin.
Like the sun used to do as I sat on the beach...letting the sun tan and the salt water bleach out my hair.

The sky is red tonight...It moves streaming with rain that beats the pavement. 
Sounding like the military movement of left, right, left, right...

I'll shut my eyes to remember the symphonies...the orchestra of these storms.
I am surprised to find myself running in the cold drops...the tears from Valhalla. 

I feel them wash over my fragile body...Letting them mat my hair to my face.

I think they took away my voice.

Silently turning to ash,

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Puppets Dance Along

Another night...Passing along. Alone and freezing cold. 
I can see my breath in the middle of the room that's spinning around me. 
I looked up at the sky tonight, and saw stars...and traced hearts in the sky by myself. 
Then cried.
Wept for what I wanted there to be...what there never was...what will never be.

I can't breathe.

I just want this to be over....let time erase everything I had to give...everything you never wanted.

You hurt me.

Bandaging old wounds,