Anger Toward Flesh

Asking for anything is like passing rocks through a sieve.

Passing seconds flick by as I sit motionless, trying to catch my breath.

Unlike the piles of decaying bone clogging my throat, my eyes scream volumes. 

Hear Me.

For He knows not what He needs.

Purple mold encasing my fractured womb makes it ok. 

Ok to laugh at.

Read me sonnets for my lullaby. 

Fuck the norm...I want to fly. 

Needle piercing skull to remove the memory of hate.

Take it away. All was made up anyway.

Like the Once Upon a Time my eyes thrived on only now makes them weep.

This language I speak is only understood by some. 

Gurgling with coagulated words that come out in barely a whisper. 

A mimic of what was scraped off the ocean floor. 

Serpents hide down there with razors for teeth - like cut outs of cold steel. 

They wait patiently to separate you from your soul. 

Everyone has Shade and it makes us Human.

I'd rather be that serpent engorged on pipe dreams. 

Dredging pearls through the mud, 

-J.C.

Repulsion Invades Me

I need you like water needs my lungs.

Drifting along with dead moths encrusting my hair.
 

Everything sickly blue and bleached...the snow littering the ground like foamy saliva.

I hope and plead that the wind does not beckon for me tonight.

I can not bear the chill and I fear finding something dead on my doorstep.

The dreams come again. 

Flimsy images that swallow reality and upon waking, the morning laughs at me for being afraid.

Bitter drafts flutter the dead butterflies wings bringing the illusion of life. 

Where is the warmth I long for?

Who is able to give me a flying lesson?

....

Souls to roam within the velvet sky.

Someone come find me. Call for me.

Please, scream my name.

I wonder how they would feel knowing I am actually faceless.

Take some more out of me. Chunks of flesh bitten from my core.

Let me see what you have left.

The Time Had Come To Move Out Of My Way

It is hard to go into things that have been happening for a long time. I feel as if I have to start from the very beginning and I just do not have the time no the energy to do so. It is just too much that adds up to practically nothing....if that makes sense. 

Here is the condensed version:

My biological father has 7 kids from 4 different women. How is this possible is beyond me...why? Because my father is gross, in many ways then just the aspect of he fathered 7 children and doesn't give a shit about any of them.  

I have met, and dislike 40%* of his kids.

Just this past weekend, that percent went up to 50%*

(* These numbers do not include me)

I spent 2 years, on and off, looking for that 6th sibling. I met her when I was a tiny J but havent seen her since, and I am sure she had no memory of me beings she is 3 years younger. 

Amyways, I found her. I started talking to her on a Sunday...by Wednesday she had lied to me and had "joined ranks" with the sperm donor, even after I had warned her of his transgressions and how they have impacted my life. I told her of his stints in jail. Yes, multiple. I filled her in on his chemical abuse..... She claims she shuddered with disgust. She said how her husband was going to kick his ass for walking out of her life......blah-de-fucking-blah.

They met and hung out on Tuesday. 

She let him snuggle her son. She took pics with him and posted them captioned, "I missed and love this man. I love you, Daddy!" 

Umm.................... 

So, that longing to find her has been filled and the want of maybe having another cool ass sister has obviously passed. She is exactly like Brittany and Robert.....exactly like Wendy and my Father.....

Disgusting, worthless and mentally unstable, dirty pieces of shit slobs. No education, no drive to make anything of their lives, no want to accomplish more....to have more....to do more. No need to take care of themselves...

I find as I get older and older...I need less and less people in my life. I especially do not need people like that in my life. Or my daughters. 

So, just like that...something I spent so long doing....ended. And good riddance. 

Au Revoir,

-J.C.

Durch Gefahren Unsägliches

Once more I am finding myself stumbling. I have almost everything my heart has ever desired but why do I feel so god damn sad?

I am going to chalk this up to postpartum depression. It definitely is real. The absolute helplessness I feel when i wake up is nothing like I have felt before. I feel like all I do is sit in the house with my beautiful tiny babe and wait. Wait for what? I have no idea.

 I suppose theres different kinds of PPD...theres the kind where you aren't bonding with your baby and you cant be around him or her. That's not what I am feeling. I have definitely bonded and love this tiny little bit to pieces! 

I feel like I am not connecting with adults anymore......I have a weird feeling toward my husband....like I feel like he doesn't know me and that he looks at me like I am a stranger. I feel different about my Mom...as if I now finally know the love she felt for me and Amanda and the amount of devotion she has for us and it makes my heart want to explode with love for her. I feel off about my friends...Maybe because they're never around. I miss my sister so much that it hurts sometimes...but she has her own life that she is living. Every one keeps saying they're here for me...but how can someone be there for someone else when they have no idea what it is that I am feeling?

I am ready for this winter to be over. I am ready to feel the sunshine on my face and the grass under my feet. I am ready to plant things and start the garden. I am ready to take vacation in June. I am sure once I am able to be out of this house more I might feel better about myself. It might even make Madilynn less cranky to have the sun on her chubby cheeks.

I dont really know how long PPD lasts. I didnt even think I would feel the way I do after giving birth. I said to myself, noooo, not me!!!!!

I will try my hardest to get through these last few weeks of winter... I am just glad I can still use this page as an outlet. 

Sorry for the bitching to whoever reads this. 

Folding into myself, 

-J.C.