Friday, August 3, 2012

The Dawn Of A New Era

Today is the second day of my 9 days straight of work. I dont have a day off until the 11th of this month. This place fucking kills me. I am just hoping that its all worth it in the end...Working myself to utter exhaustion. I really need my car...I really need for this to happen, sooner then later. I really hate having to rely on people for shit like, taking me to and from work...or if i want to go somewhere or get something to eat...I have to ask and rely on someone to help me out. I am just done feeling so useless when it comes to this sort of thing. I am so done being  burden to every one.

I just cant wait. Im so anxious. But its not all hope and stuff. Some times, i feel like this will never happen for me. I'll never have my own car...I should be used to this kind of thing...not getting what I want and having to struggle for everything. I am just so tired and its only day 2 of 9.

Aja is getting married on the 27th. I seriously cant believe she is getting married before me. Everyone in high school always said that i would be the one that was married and had kids first...and in actuality...I am DEAD LAST. It stings a little. It really does. I am trying to get out of the circle of suck so I can build a life...So I can be proud of the person I am instead of feeling disappointment whenever i look in the mirror. I have barely any accomplishments to mark my belt off with. Even though I am extremely jealous....I am happy for Aja. She deserves to find happiness and be treated right. And I believe she has found that. 

Anyway...the wedding is on the 27th....and i will keep everyone updated as the clock ticks nearer...and ill post pictures. I am helping Audrey lead the ceremony...and I am super excited. Lets see if i can keep my tears under wraps. 

Thats all for now...

Hoping this entry is the start of a new leaf...

Friday, June 1, 2012

I Am The Song No One Sings

It's overcast outside. We don't need more rain. I don't need any more rain. I need sunshine. My skin feels like it's just so water logged...and it will start peeling away from my broken bones...and it will soon hang off in ribbons. My eyes have turned milky. I can't see. As if they're covered by a veil of gauze. The same fabric that a wedding gown is made from...An unused dress...

Again, I have destroyed something so pure. Something that I know is so unobtainable to me. Maybe, after all these years, that person was right...I am not capable of being loved. I cant let these feelings just build up inside of me...I need to scream...loud and long. I hurt so bad. As if I am being torn into pieces. As if each limb is being ripped from my torso. 

Maybe if that was true, the pain inside of my heart wouldn't be as over powering. I have yet again, failed.

I am forever a failure. 

Not worth anything given to me. Not worth the sunshine I long for. 

Whats left of myself? What more do I have? I am so tired of feeling so tormented...of feeling so sad. I guess I asked for this. I begged for silence..I craved for quiet. But the things I ask for aren't always what I need. 

I have to stop bottling myself. Putting little pieces of myself into glass jars and sealing the lids. One day, I will wake up and there wont be a single piece of me left. No more me. That would make everything to much easier for everyone I have ever made drink my poison. They all eagerly drank it out of the pretty little cups I served it in...And I let it happen. I watched it happen. Sat there, emotionless, as they killed themselves with my toxins. 

Maybe I'm not real. Maybe I am just a ghost that sucks the life from people...and then I disappear....leaving my path littered with empty corpses of once proud and full of life people. I can bring the strongest person to their knees. 

And its shameful. 

I long for someone to sing me to sleep. 

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Digging Deep Into The Elsewhere

Past few days, I have felt so open. Like there is something that is inside of me saying, "Wake up,'s here." 
What exactly IT is, is something that I cant answer fully. I just know that theres a gnawing inside of me that needs me to pay attention. 


Maybe its my longing for a move. I want out of here so bad. I know where I am wanted. I know where I want to be. I am not land locked and holding onto something that I know will never amount to anything. I feel like, without some drastic changes, life will always be at a stand still. I just want great things. I want to be happy. I want to feel like I belong. And I dont feel like that here...This place sucks me so dry. I just want change. I want new. I want pretty. I want.....warm.

My soul is screaming to get where it wants to be. My heart is literally beating out of my chest with anticipation and longing. What do I do now? Do i make choices on my own and never look back? Do I try to talk some sense into them? Do I just chew the bitter pill thats in my mouth and keep living this fake fucking life? Do I keep trying to rake the leaves out of my throat, only to be forced to swallow more?

 I cant live this way. I have dreams. I need to make these dreams happen....I need to live life the way I know it should be lived. 

I hate having all of this in my head. I hate feeling like I cant even talk about how the emotions inside of me are swirling and spiraling, full of colors and rage and sadness. When I close my eyes, all i see is reds, purples...a little bit of gold. It doesnt feel right and sometimes I feel more sick to my stomach then anything...I am NOT this weak person that I feel like I have been. I am strong, like stone. I am loud...I am opinionated....I am a Goddess. Why cant i just do what my heart is begging me to do? 
 I know what I have to do. I know. 

But why is it so fucking hard. 

I need to stand my ground. I need to just walk forward...NO turning back....I have to stop hiding the truth from everyone. 

I need to stand outside. I need to feel the cold May rain on my face...I need to feel the wind in my hair. I need to feel the ground beneath my feet...I have to face this. I need the earth around me to feel alive.

Just close your eyes, J...Hold on tight...the world will stop spinning if you plant your feet firm. 

I can make it. Ive done this before. I know the script. I know how this works. I know who I need to smile to... I know who can make me feel alive. I know how to breathe....

But for some reason...I am barely bringing any oxygen into my lungs. Ive felt like I have been suffocating for the past 9 days. 

I feel like I create this huge light around me. I feel like I emit this radiation of passion, love...devotion. But I have been searching for my own light...

...I feel like I am losing my magic...

Maybe thats what it feels like when your heart is nothing but dry kindling, waiting to be set afire. 

Maybe this is what it feels like to be bleeding from the inside out.
Maybe this is what it feels like to die.
Maybe this is what it feels like to have lost your light. 
Maybe...there is nothing left for me anywhere...maybe I am tapped out of life.

Have I done something wrong that I was cursed to have so much passion inside of me? Sometimes, I hate it. I hate being forced to see everything around me the way that I do.

Let me fly. Please. I beg you. Please. If you never ever listen to anything I ever say...please listen to this. I hurt inside...I hurt so bad that the water becomes more and more inviting. The silence of the final wave crashing over me might soothe my migraines. Please. Please.

Screaming for release, 

Wednesday, April 11, 2012


A Bitter Taste In My Mouth

The past couple of days I have had this gnawing feeling in my stomach that seems to be eating me from the inside...and trying to come out from the surface. I have been trying to focus on positive things...I have been trying to look forward to something better, but it seems like all this garbage comes up again and again. 

I posted something on Facebook the other day, and I am going to paste it here so you can all read it if you missed it: 
"I just read an article about Jessica Vega...the girl that had leukemia and people donated to let her have her dream wedding because she said she had less then a year to live. Turns out, it was all a scam to get money for the wedding. People donated thousands of dollars to this girl...and it was all a scheme. They even sent her and her new husband to Aruba for a honeymoon.
Now, this pisses me off so fucking hard...why? Because theres people like Adam and I who work SO hard to have the things we have. I have spent so much money already to buy things for our wedding and we STILL had to postpone it because it's just impossible to save that kind of money for our dream wedding, when theres nothing but bills we have to pay. We cant even afford to move in together and we have to put our entire life on hold because of these reasons.
Now, WHY in the fuck was it SO easy for this woman to scheme and scam SO much money to have a beautiful wedding, but companies wouldnt even blink twice to help to a couple like Adam and I? We want to have a beautiful wedding too, but we just cant come up with the money to have our own happy day. Dont two hard working people who love each other deserve a stunning wedding too?
Shes being held in county jail on all sorts of charges, but you know what? She will always have the memories of that fabulous wedding and her honeymoon to Aruba. But meanwhile, we STRUGGLE to put together a wedding thats a quarter of the size of the one she stole.
Maybe I am just bitter because people who are fucking flakes get to have such wonderful things....but people who word hard to have a nice life get shit on. I hope she feels like a butt hole for doing this...Because there are people who really ARE less fortunate that deserve that kind of wedding and kindness from companies. Shes just a lazy bitch who deserves everything that happens to her from now on out. Karma, mother fucker. Karma" 

So yeah, I guess thats one thing thats been kind of driving me insane. This bullshit is all we have been hearing on the news and its been all across all of the newspapers. Its ridiculous...I really think this girl is such a piece of shit for doing this...and it makes me so fucking mad that people who REALLY need help with their weddings cant receive it, but people who lie and cheat and steal can have everything they wanted? Fuck the system...and fuck her. I hope she gets raped in prison by butchy women with broom sticks....

And, I just found out today that my baby sister, Amber, got married. MARRIED?! She just turned 18 in January. I feel like I should have been the first to change my last name. After all, I am the older one, right? After all, I am the one thats planning a wedding...The one thats engaged....the one thats 25 years old. Am I jealous? Yes, maybe a little...But its so hard watching EVERYONE i know get married...and I am struggling to put together a wedding so I can marry the man i love. It fucking hurts. I feel like I am missing out on so, Life has handed all these people beautiful gifts and I am the little kid in the corner that didnt get to pick from the grab bag.

But, I keep trying to tell myself, everything will fall into place...Good things come to those who wait...Patience is a virtue....Just relax....breathe Jayme....

When the stars are smiling down on people....please, dont forget about me.

Waiting for something drastic to happen,

Sunday, March 18, 2012

History Repeats Itself

I am so sick and fucking tired of feeling alone. I hate it with every thing inside of me. I can lock myself up in my room and listen to I used to, but it doesnt help anymore. I crave the wind in my hair. I crave the ocean round my ankles....the sand under my toes. I crave wings that work.

I cant beg harder then I already am for you to open your eyes and see the world around us. Just open them...Let the sunlight make your blue eyes sparkle. Just tell me you love me one more time. And mean it.

I dont want 'someone like you'......I want YOU.

I miss what it feels like to just sleep soundly. I get interrupted by the sound of waves inside of my head...Like they are calling to me. This sudden warm weather doesnt help. Do i want to be grounded? Or do I want to fly?

I know the answer to that....I want to fly, with you holding my hand. 

I just want to break the redundancy. I want to escape everything that comes my way. But, not alone. 

I used to be the girl who would sit alone for hours and hours and hours writing...Spilling out my entire thought process...but the stuff I write now doesnt make any sense and no one can understand it. They dont know what I am thinking anymore. Im not an open book like I used to be. I closed the door to The Elsewhere a long time ago. I am sorry that you weren't there when I was telling you I was drowning...And I am sorry that you dont have a key. Theres only one, and i wear it around my neck. Nothing is blooming in here arnt missing much. But I am sorry that you feel like we have to speak to each other through a wall now....You should have grabbed my hand and had me pull you inside the gate when I told you I was shutting down. But you chose not to. You werent interested in coming inside. 

Why cant anyone fix me? Why do I have these fractured pieces of porcelain laying at my feet? Why is my painted smiled flaking off of my face? Why are my limbs slowly ceasing? Spiderwebs have made a home in my mouth. Mold has caked inside of my throat.

I felt this way only one other time...When I almost jumped off the take on a watery demise.

I just need to dance my way back into your heart.

Kicking and screaming to stay alive,

Friday, March 9, 2012

Falling Harder....Everyday

The days seem to keep getting harder and harder. Some days I wake up and I can't breathe...Like there is a brick on my chest. 
I am just so sick of all the redundancy. I hate my job, i hate where i live, i hate not being able to travel, i hate doing the same things every day. The same routine....How can anyone stand doing the same shit all the time? 

I wish i could fly. 

I know I have to hold on...I know I am stronger then this...I have to fight through this...I have to keep struggling to breathe because I dont have any other choice. I have to suck it a big girl....wait my turn for greatness...

Whenever that may be. 

I am standing still a room surrounded by people...screaming at the top of my lungs and not one person can hear me. 

And you wonder why I am so sad all the time. Its so hard to draw the line to where the memories started of being where they should have ended.....I know nothing BUT sadness. That's all i have ever lived. Spoonfuls of anguish is all I have ever been fed. 

I'm such a whiny fucking bitch. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling tortured by the thoughts in my head. I wish they would stop. I wish the static would go away. I wish, just for once, things were going to be ok. 

Trying to kill the noise, 

Friday, March 2, 2012

Dancing In The Winter Wind

As unhappy I am about this postponing of Adam's and my wedding...I guess there are some right reasons for it. The main thing I actually thought about was, "Hey! We'll get to go through another Christmas and I can actually find some white lights!" 
I just hate that we have to wait longer. But, I suppose since we love each other like we do, it doesn't really matter when we get married, right? It just sucks. 

Hopefully, by this time next year, we will have our own house that we don't have to worry about walking around naked in. Like, I could totally streak from the bedroom to the bathroom and not worry about getting busted. Ha!
I could totally cook naked too....just saying. Sorry about the visuals. (giggles)

On another note, today, I am going to go take the test for my learners permits at DMV... Yes...I feel like I am like a teenager again. I cant really believe that I have to start all over again. Adam says I am making progress towards getting my license back...but when I walked out of DMV last week, I felt so discouraged...Like it didn't matter where I was with progress because I feel like I am back to square one. Kind of like, I lost faith in myself. I shouldn't have waited so long to get this taken care of. But, I guess everything for a reason. 
 What ever that reason my be... -.-
I am actually kind of nervous about this test...Like I feel like, I have been driving wrong for the past ten years...illegally, but still. So I have to learn how to drive right all over again because I will have to take another road test too. As well as a 5 hour course.

But I guess thats all the update that I have...And I will let everyone know how the test today turns out. I really hope I pass it. I read the book...but I really feel like they are going to nail me with a question that I am going to be like...."Ummmmm...." The first time I took the test, I only one HOPEFULLY that's what happens today. Maybe, even not any of them any wrong....

Thanks for listening.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Chartreuse Lace Around Her Throat

Once again my days have passed into weeks. 

Sometimes I wonder if I have long since forgotten who I am. Everything seems like such a blur when I try to think about my past. I wonder if I miss it...or I am just hoping for more of a future.

 I am so tired of waiting and putting my life on hold. I just want everything to begin. Something magical perhaps....Actually, you know what? I dont even need magical...I want something real. Something that feels like home. Something I dont dread coming to...I dont want to cry myself to sleep anymore. I dont want to spend days and nights alone anymore. I dont want to have to wonder what it would be like to have my own space. I dont want to have to try to imagine what it will feel like to be complete. 

I am just sick of feeling so stuck. Like, I am waiting for this huge, amazing thing to happen and then it never does. I dont want to hurt anymore. I dont want to feel like nothing is going to get better. I dont want to feel like I am the only one trying. 

I have always heard, be grateful for what you have because just when you think it's bad, just know that someone has it worse. 
Ya know what, people may have it worse...there are some people in the world that dont even have a place to lay their head at night, let alone their own apartment. 
I try to be grateful. I try to respect and love everything I have....but when this bright future, full of wonderful promises of everything you have ever wished for is dangled in front of your face...then pulled away from you because of a minor bump in the fucking hurts. It aches. It rips you apart and you feel like you want to hurt someone or destroy something.

And that is how I feel right now. 

Shredding the hands that try to contain me, 

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Through The Vortex Of A Year

Here it is, another year...2011 turned into 2012. It happened so fast. I dont remember the years spinning to an end this quickly...
Maybe it's because I am getting older and time doesn't really seem to have a meaning anymore. It's just going to wind down as quickly as possible until one day, I'll be laying on my death old woman. Will I look upon my life and be happy with it? Will I have done everything that my heart desires? Or will I be incomplete and wishing for just a few more days to do something more with the life I was given?
I literally sit here, and wonder...what will I ever do to leave my mark on the world? Will I be remembered after I am gone? 

I have just been so stressed out lately. Just thinking about so many things and it has my head spinning. I feel like, I have a time limit...Like, if i dont do the things I have to, times going to run out....and I will lose.

All I have been thinking about is the wedding and how is it going to be perfect when I cant afford the things I really want for it? I want it to be perfect...beautiful...but without the funds, I am starting to think, maybe we should just wait another year before we get married. And then I think about it and get depressed. Why should we have to put our marriage on hold? Why do we have to suffer? Why does this have to be so ridiculously stressful?

And then I think about how in the hell we are going to find a place to live together. Having to divide up our time between 2 houses is aggravating. Like, most days/nights, Adam and I dont even see each other. We don't get to hold each other as we fall asleep. Or hear each other's voices everyday. We dont wake up entwined together or share a meal every night....And just knowing that most nights, I do and will get into my cold bed, alone...Destroys me. It frustrates me to the point of insanity or being violent. Like, I am so frustrated and so anxious, that I want to break things to get the frustration out. I want to scream at someone to make them understand how it feels. How many more nights do I cry myself to sleep? I know you may all think I am just overreacting, but I'm not. It seriously PAINS me to be engaged, preparing to get married in 8 months and we dont live together. We dont have our own space. We dont share each other like we should be able to out of respect to the people we live with. I hate it. I hate it more then I hate anything in the entire world. I would rather just elope and forget about the wedding then go one more day without having our own place. No beautiful dress...No reception with all of our friends and family...Just a place to call our own. 

And then there are other things that are just ripping me up. Like the fact that I still have a fine that I have to pay to unsuspend my driver's license. Or the fact that I can't have my own car.... so I have to rot in this house when I'm not working. I would rather work every day of the week, all day, then to sit in this house, alone. 
So, what do I do? How else do I spread myself any thinner? Do I ask Adam to postpone the wedding longer so I don't have to stress about trying to pay for everything? Do I look elsewhere, like, out of state for a place for us to live because we obviously can not afford to live in New York without having  a bunch of room mates? Do I sell all of my belongings so I can make ends meet? Do I postpone finishing school until next year so I can work another full time job? Do I try to take out a loan so we can just pay for everything all at once, get out of debt, and worry about paying it back over time? Is it possible to sell a kidney for cash? Or sell some of my eggs for a couple grand? Yes, friends....That's what it feels like it's come to. 

I feel like, the more I think about this stuff...the more depressed I become...And I feel like I cant seek comfort from anywhere. I just swallow it all down, like a bitter bite of cake. I let it fester and scab over...And then one afternoon, the scab falls off and it all comes rushing back to me. And BAM....seriously depressed.

I feel like I cry, a LOT more then I should. 

I just dont want to live my life with regrets. I dont want to live my life, having nothing. 

Why is it do hard for me to have a happy ending? Why have I always lived in suffering? My entire life, has been nothing but suffering. Will it be this year that I can start putting one foot in front of the other? Will it be this year that my desires start to become a reality? Or, like I said...will I always be incomplete, wishing for just a few more days to do something more with the life I was given?

As the clock counts down,