Sunday, February 10, 2013

Forced Fragility Turned Fire Flight

Months have flew by, again. Just flew. Where did the time go? I feel like I have been holding my breath all this time. Have I just been frozen in time.... like the days have become?  I am getting sick of this weather by the way. I miss the green in my Elsewhere. 

A lot has happened...........................

Was I sacrificing myself for someone who wasnt worth my sorrow? Was I crying for someone who didnt deserve my tears? Was I always bleeding for someone who didnt want my blood? ....I was.....So much for living for someone who wasnt even living for themselves. It felt like all of my bones were broken...He was turning all of my dreams to dust. It was like, he didnt believe in the places I went to when I was sleeping or writing....It felt like he was devouring my soul.....Was Adam doing those things to me on purpose? Was he slowly trying to kill me or was he waiting for me to take my own life. He almost won. He almost had my blood on his hands. I almost did it. Almost went for a very cold, very dark swim. I cant believe I havent admitted that, until just now. Please dont judge me. Please dont hate me for almost making that choice. It is just easier to run.......I would have taken all that shame to my grave.

So much has changed over the past 9 months. I am no longer beaten down and bruised.

I had a strange journey down a path that I tucked into the back of my mind for almost a decade. I was lost. Screaming. He found me. Again. He pulled me into his arms on one dark spring night and held me. Close. I looked up into his eyes, the eyes I have always know...and I felt safe. He is real. I was shown the way to live. After all this time, I am able to sleep at night. The Dreams only plagued me every so often. Maybe I am not as broken as I always thought, or maybe I just was able to be fixed. I believe in the Elsewhere again. I believe that I am worth everything that Erich gives me. Why did I wait so long? Why couldnt I get off of my knees? Why couldnt I find the way to breathe sooner?? I am not perfect....but in His eyes, I am. He is the one that has always caught all of my tears. The reason has always been Him. But I was bound. Wrapped into something I never ever want to feel again. 
I didnt replace anything if thats what you are wondering. There isnt a way to "replace" something that was always there. Nothing was able to keep us away from each other and thats all that matters. No one ever could take away what we have always had. I was just filling in the void when He wasnt able to wrap me into his world. It took so long. I waited for a long time. I cried, a lot. but just knowing that he will always be there when my next chapter is a feeling that I wish everyone can feel one day. 

Satisfied. Happy. The first time I have felt years.

And in only a few short months, I will be walking down an aisle to meet Him in matrimony...I am going to grant Him my body and soul.....I will take His last name and honor it with everything that I have inside of me.....I will give Him my vows that will last a lifetime. I should have done this years ago. But I find it absolutely amazing that we basically picked up right where we left off. He fell in love with me once......and then, 10 years later....He did it again. He woke me up. Saved me.  

From myself. 
And for that I owe Him my life.
I love you. Until the last beat of my heart.

Until next time,