Stumbling Down The Path Of Yesterday

I have been thinking about a lot today. Just dealing with a lot with moving forward on this journey of becoming a Mom, I guess. 

There is a song that resonates in my mind when I think about my past. 

"What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold"

I know there are some people in my past that I was completely and utterly shitty to. But then again, there are people that I have known...that deserve more then a little bit of the Chaos I put out. 

They deserved more then the cup of bleach I poured them from pretty tea pots. 

I remember a room that I was painting a powder blue...and standing on a ladder trying to reach the ceiling... and all I thought about was my future. How shiny I could make it...all the dreams I had and all the desires I felt inside of me. I felt as if I opened my mouth, the entire universe would spill out. I was a new born just starting to crawl. 

I gave up a lot over the years. I let go of some dreams...I opened my hands and they just poured out of my palms. I would have followed them anywhere...through darkness....through light....through the storms.

I learned how to bridge a deck of cards in a storm once. 

I always thought I could be anything I wanted, if I put my mind to it. This has been the hardest thing I had to learn....that there are certain things that I would never be able to control.

A small hand holding mine, looking up to me with bright eyes full of wonder....

"Mommy...tell me the story again.....Tell me how you and Daddy fell in love....."

I need to fulfill the starvation my dreams have caused me....so I can learn the meaning of the sun. 

I apologize for the breaking of stars....

Stumbling hard,

-J.C.

A Years Worth Of Angst

It literally took me about 45 minutes to try and remember the log in for this account. It had gotten lost in the move between lap top to desk top and I almost gave myself a heart attack. Apparently I have 12 Google accounts but not one of them was the key to get in to my Blogspot. 

Anywayyyy.

Past year Erich and I have been hot and heavy on the fertility journey. We have been through SO much. Countless tests, blood work out of the wahzoo, visit after visit and ultrasound after ultrasound, medication that we had to inject for over a week.... We started our first cycle of IVF in February. 

And it ended in a Big Fat Negative at the end of February.

We were CRUSHED, to say the very least.

It seemed like everything we did was worthless...I felt so empty and tired and sad...This has literally been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. Its so hard to stay positive and focused when all around me is post after post of pregnancy announcements, new moms, adorable babies...it literally kills me. I am so happy for people who get the chance to have their own children.....

I am just very sad for us.

And that brings me to another thing I want to vent a bit about. Its just a vent...don't take offense.... 

I am SO sick of hearing certain things from people. I literally wanted to explode the other day....I know you guys love me and want to support this journey....but if the words coming out of your mouth are anything more then i love you....keep at it! or questions about what we are doing.......then I do not want them. Sometimes the things people say hurt me...without intentions I know....but they do and causes a lot of stress. I have chosen to share my journey publicly...but maybe going forward I may not.......

  Here are a few things I have gotten from people that dig me:

**"It will happen when the time is right." 

Excuse me.....This is a controlled medical procedure, not a natural pregnancy...so the time is right when the doctor does the procedure. So, enough of that noise....

**"Maybe this is a test"

A test? A test of what? How long I am able to put up with stupid comments before I snap someones neck?

**"Take my kids for the day."

I do not want your shitty kids...If I wanted someone else's shitty kid we would be saving the 30k to adopt. Fuck off. Immediately.

**"We will continue praying!"

That's awesome and I appreciate that you keep us in your thoughts so much...but is this seriously the 'will' of your god??? If it was, why would a happy, stable and loving husband and wife not be able to give birth to a child...but teenagers without jobs, a car, a savings, their own place etc can or people who abuse or even kill their children can do it so easily??? Oh, you live off of government money and refuse to work to provide for your 6 children who all have different fathers? THAT sounds legit! Living the dream!!!!

We are trying everything we can to move forward to do a frozen egg transfer (FET) and we were looking at May for that...but insurance is taking forever!!!! We don't even know yet if we are able to pay for the FET with insurance money, and they wanted to start the cycle next week......I cant. They called me today to try and tell me that we have 10,000$ on prescription coverage ......I'm like, no we don't. She insisted on it and even wanted to order my new medications. Took 3 hours for a supervision to call and tell me she was wrong and was looking at the wrong account the whole time........I've been dealing with this the whole time... Its none stop stress and miscommunication and no one knows what the hell they're doing... Idiots!

In other news...we are still waiting on a return call from the realtor about a house we put an offer on. It is literally the best house that Erich and I have been in so far! We absolutely LOVE it! I am trying to see this as the silver lining of our failed IVF. Maybe this was in our cards before our baby...I just really hope to hear something SOON! I am super anxious!!!! 

Oh and one more thing....My second novel, SideWinder (the continuation of Twisting Mirrors) is almost ready for print!!!!!!

Since I am able to log into my account now, I will try to stay on top of it.

Hold your breath.....

-J.C.