Yearly Cycle

It is officially Thanksgiving, so that means its another addition of what J.C. is thankful for...

I am pretty sure I could go back through all of my old articles from the same date, from years and years ago...and I could most likely just copy and paste the exact things here....and make it "new and improved."

Everything is almost exactly the same. 

I am older...Slightly wiser i suppose...

But here goes with what exactly I am thankful for. 

I am thankful for my family...even though most of the time I just want to choke the living shit out of them. 

I am thankful for the minimal amount of friends I have. I dont see them often, but that one special day a month is one that I cherish and that I am thankful for so much. 

I am thankful to have a job. A shitty, poor excuse for a job....but its a job. The pay checks allow me to eat and save for the things I so very much desire. 

I am thankful for living in NY....the one place that I love and would die without....even though 99% of the time, I feel as if it is sucking my soul out of me. But I get to be near my sister....who I am thankful for, even if she is a little dick...I still would lay my very life down for her.

I am thankful to have Adam in my life. He is a wonderful breath of fresh air...Even though its impossible to live together right now...and I HATE HATE HATE HATE it with every part of me, and sometimes it makes me so frustrated and so mad that I destroy things....I am still thankful and blessed to have him. My life wouldnt be the same this year, if we werent together. If a life is even what you would have been able to call it. He is the REAL reason I am thankful for anything during this turn of the year. 

I am thankful to be having dinner with some of the people I care so much about...And I am thankful to have my Uncle Bill.... so thankful for him, that I am going to ask him to give me away, at the wedding, when he gets here tomorrow. 

I am thankful for publishing my book. Even though I am a super procrastinator with the second part of it, and the people who enjoy my stories are getting anxious. 

I am superrr thankful for all the people that actually read the shit that I put into text. (Eryn....Lauren....Chelsie....you know who you are) 

I am thankful for being able to breathe fresh air in the morning...and to have a hot cup of coffee...I am thankful for having this laptop to spill my thoughts into...without it, how would you all read my nonsense? (ha!)

I am thankful for the people who are a part of my life in some strange tie or another...We all know how difficult I am...and I am thankful you stay such a strong piece of the connection we have. 

I am thankful for being able to listen to music....not everyone has music they can listen to...and my selection of music kind of breathes life into me. 

I am thankful for having 2 legs to walk on...not everyone has that either. 

I am thankful for not being blind...I am very fortunate to be able to see the colors of the world.

I am thankful for having my ears....some people cant hear how the wind goes through the trees.

I am thankful for being able to pick up a phone to call my Grandmother...who is many miles away. 

I guess with this turn of year....I have a lot to be thankful for. Even if everything isnt exactly up to par....I still have many things that other people dont have. I am thankful for being born into the life I live...

I am so very thankful for being me. 

Until this exact time next year, 

-J.C.

My Sims Life Is More Fun To Live

I live such a boring fucking life. I seriously do. And it's getting to the point to where if something awesomely drastic doesnt happen, I am going to fucking snap and lose my shit on someone. I am so sick of the same bullshit. The same mediocre shit. Same shitty job, same shitty house, same shitty people, same shitty worthlessness. 

Same fucking routine......over and over and over. 

What is the next step in life? Where do I fucking go from here? Whats next?? What do I do with myself now? 

I am 25 years old and I still feel like I have the life of a 18 year old because the things that normal 25 year olds have, I dont have. And to me, thats a fucking problem. EVERY single one of the kids I went to high school with are married, have kids or are pregnant and expecting kids, have beautiful places to live...

All I have are fucking dreams and journal entries.

I am chomping on the bit to be a REAL fucking person. A wife. A mother. An entrepreneur. Fucking happy for ONCE in my life. And everyone and everything in my life is holding me back. I have my entire life on HOLD waiting for something to happen...Waiting for a decision or an escape. Something that will clear my head and make me smile. I want the "grown up things" so bad. I am not getting any younger. It is time to progress with life and stop doing childish, immature things. And I am getting so fucking frustrated that everything is at a stand still.....and I'm almost to the point of being fed up with it. 

Sweet moon, I am so fucking pissed off today. I should probably just go back to bed so I don't say the wrong things to people.

Trying not to breathe this stagnant air, 

-J.C.

Lack Of Vocal Chords & An Empty Cut For A Mouth

Something is wrong...And something has been wrong for many moons. I cant help it that I am sad....I cant help it that I am depressed. Look around me...Youll see why. 

They keep telling me to stand my ground. But I cant stand on my own feet let alone stand my ground. I have constant migraines because I am so stressed out about so many things. There is so much static in my head and thats probably why I cant sleep and when i DO fall asleep, I jump wide awake...I am scared to just rest. 

There is just too many things that frighten me lately....Theres actual chills that go down my spine. My dreams are one of those things. I am so afraid to see what waits for me behind my closed eyes. Gnarled fingers with razor sharp nails, blood red eyes peering into my soul, and bared teeth with flesh ribbons hanging from them. I know I am not a little girl anymore....I know I shouldnt be afraid of monsters...but when the demon lives within you....thats when you should start fearing.

I dont want to walk down this road alone anymore. I need help. I need a hand to grab me from out of the dark water that I am drowning in. Everything hurts. I hurt. CAN YOU HEAR ME? I hurt. I close my eyes, because the tears burn...and i see myself, laying in the dirt, blood pouring from my mouth...thick and deep crimson. My heart laying next to me in a heap of decaying muscle. 

Is there something wrong with me? Youre broken.

Why cant I stop seeing these images? Thats what your future holds. 

My eyes are burning but I know what bed time holds for me. 

Maybe my tears will drown me tonight.

 Please stop trying to bury me alive,

-J.C.

A TAIL Of Two Puppies

I was reading through some blog postings of a blog that I recently started following. Its the life of a pug and its as if he narrates the bloggings. I thought it was absolutely adorable...and it kind of helped me learn a little bit about Chopper. So far I learned that its not just my pug thats a spaz. Apparently, all pug puppies are nuts and they stay in this "puppyhood" phase for about 2 years. All i could think after reading that was....greaaattttt....Chopper is a lunatic...and this wont stop for about 2 whole years. Oh sweet moon. 

He is always nibbling on everything...the couch cushions, the wooden chair legs, shoe laces, chunks of wood from the fireplace, my damn feet....And no matter how many times i yell "NO!" he just goes right back to it... -rolls eyes- 

I dont remember Nashi being this difficult with learning commands. She was so quick and so smart...she learned all her silly dog tricks so fast...Yeah, granted, the potty training took a little bit and sometimes theres still accidents with her, but for the most part....shes perfect. Like, I can open the front door and let her go outside, no collar or leash, and she will go do her business and as soon as I call her, she comes right back to the door. Chopper on the other hand finds things to play with while hes outside, and he does other things other then go potty. Like, eat snow, chew flowers, play in the mud.....it takes him forever to just pee....I dont understand....Dude, if you have to go, just GO! And while hes outside, on his leash because he will chase after the cat....he will pull and try to get out of it...-sigh-

But after all, he is only 4 months old...He has a lot of growing and learning and he will get the hang of how we run the house...I am hoping that he will kind of SEE how things are supposed to be done because Nashi will lead by example....I hope. -.- 

I guess I will keep everyone updated on the progress of things with the new puppy. I am just glad that Nashi has ALMOST accepted him...she hasnt been growling and snipping at him as much as she did when he first moved in last week. But, he is very entertaining and loving...even if he does bite my toes while I am trying to sleep. 

Much love, 

-J.C.

Both Her Wrists Are Bruised

Once again, it is another turn of month. October slid right into November...Samhain wasnt as fabulous as it has been previous years. I guess my theory of, when you get older things become less interesting, is getting more true as time passes.

I have been job searching again. Looking for something more, that will give me some extra cash in the pocket...extra cash that can be saved for the things that need to be taken care of. Things that I have talked about over and over...and it feels like I am just beating a dead horse, so I might as well not even mention it. 

My patience are being worn to the tiny last fiber. 

So this weekend, I am attending the TerrorDome Staff Party...and after that, I am quitting smoking. It's just another useless, frivolous thing that I can stop. There is no need to spend 10$ per pack of cigarettes, 5 or 6 times a week. Another sacrifice I am going to make to try harder to have a successful future. I want it so bad...So I will give up everything in order to get things rolling.Time to stop sticking my big toe in the water to test it....It's time to just jump in. 

I really need to stop banging my wrists against the side of tables. It's starting to hurt. But it's the only thing that keeps me occupied right now. It keeps me from biting my fingers until they are bloody.

With water in my lungs, 

-J.C.