Friday, March 6, 2015

The Bottom Line

As you all know, Erich and I have been seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist  because we have been having trouble conceiving for the past few years. We have been seeing Dr Levine since the beginning of December and we have gone through his entire “fertility investigation” that he ordered. 

Two rounds of blood work for me, one for Erich. He had a complete semen analysis. Then I had a test called an SIS, which is a saline infused sonogram. This test is where they inject saline into your uterus and look for polyps or scar tissue or things along those lines. It wasn’t too comfortable. They found a polyp in there. 
Then we went for an HSG, which is a hysterosalpingogram. This is a test where they push contrast dye into your fallopian tubes to check for any blockages or scar tissue. During my test, I was told that the dye was filling my tubes but wasn’t releasing, which means there could be a blockage. This test literally brought a tear to my eye. It hurt SO much and he explained that the pain was caused by the blockage. If there was not a blockage, it wouldn’t have hurt so much. The radiologist also told me he wasn’t seeing any scar tissue but will look through the x-rays and write his report to Dr. Levine. 
Dr Levine never shared this report with me. 

Upon receiving our results from Levine’s office, he determined that laparoscopy surgery was needed to see the blockage up close and personal and try to release it or break it up, as well as remove the polyp from my uterus. We scheduled and had the surgery, within 2 weeks of that appointment. While I was in recovery, Dr Levine told Erich and my mom that the tubes were so beyond damaged from scar tissue that there was no saving them or breaking up the scarring. They asked what could have caused this and Levine replied with a standard text book response. He said it could be from inflammation or an infection. I have never even had a UTI before let alone any kind of infection…so how did this happen and what caused this?? They kept asking…he kept replying with almost the same response. He told them my tubes are “not usable” and also said “we will discuss other options at your follow up next week.” I am currently recovering from the surgery which has had me in a GREAT deal of pain and discomfort.  They cut 2 incisions as well as one in my belly button and on top of that, dilated and went through my cervix to remove the polyp.

Erich and I have talked about this and we have decided that we are going to seek out a second opinion. Since day one of seeing Levine he has always mentioned IVF. None stop talk about IVF. We feel as if he will say these exact words on Monday when we go for our follow up. He is going to say….”We should go back in and remove the tubes and then start rounds of IVF.” We can almost guarantee this is what will be said…and we are NOT in denial about getting this news that we will never be able to have children like normal people…we are just not sure if removing the tubes and doing IVF is our only option and we want to speak with another doctor before we decide to do this VERY life altering surgery. Not having fallopian tubes means we will NEVER be able to have children on our own and if we wanted more than one child, it is out of the question, unless we adopt, because IVF is 10-15,000$ A POP and there’s not even a guarantee that it would WORK……..

Our second opinion is March 26th at noon with a different doctor. If this doctor reviews our case and he also determines that my tubes are destroyed and not useable, then we will proceed with whatever our options are, that we will hear from Levine on Monday.

I am trying to stay positive. I am trying to think outside of the box. I read a TON of articles where the patients were told the exact same things and here they are with perfect and healthy children. I am trying to have faith and keep my head high…but the news that Levine gave us was such a hard pill to swallow that I still feel it stuck in my throat. I have spent these last few days, while I am healing, looking on the internet for some sort of hope. I feel so much helplessness right now…and I have even apologized to my patient and kind husband, while on narcotics, that I was sorry for not being a complete woman. But just know, it wasn’t just the pain meds talking…I DO feel this way. He deserves the best from his wife…and I don’t feel like I can give him the best because as of right now, I am not able to give him his munchkin the normal way.
 I feel a sort of desperation here…and I am hoping, with everything that I am, the news is better after we see a different doctor. I didn’t realize having a family would be this hard…or this painful.

Hold your children in your arms tightly, Moms… they are indeed the best thing that will ever happen to you.  I would kill to be in your shoes. To be parents, for Erich and I, it would be such a blessing and such a honor. It really is a privilege and NOT a given to be able to have your own children. My heart completely and utterly aches right now…I feel SO much emotion…..and I am not really sure how to handle it. 

With every beat of my heart,