Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Every Harvest Depends On The Past


Years have turned again. Turned and things, like seasons, have changed. 

SO MUCH HAS CHANGED.

Today marks 4 years after tragedy struck my life. 4 years since I found my Husband in an affair with my 17 year old half sister. Not just sexually either. He claimed to love her...told me i was in the way. I am sure if you go through some old blogs you will stumble across the word vomit I splattered on page after page. 4 years of feeling second best. 4 years of pretending like I was Ok. 4 years of therapy an journal entries I can barely read because my hand writing is so horrid. I look back and I think to myself...will I ever feel anything less then what I feel? Will it ever pass? I feel like this is the absolute most pain I have felt from a betrayal in my whole 31 years. The pain is real...and the pain is still very present inside of my chest. Some days barely noticeable while other days I feel it bubble and cause minor affixation.

What a mess.

I did everything I could to carry on and move forward. Erich and I had THE most beautiful baby girl in 2017. 

I begged him, pleaded...and sacrificed so much in order for him to fix the hole he created. After our daughter was born things got even stranger with his obsession to find other women to share himself with. I cried to him...Please do not do this. Fix our marriage or we will be facing divorce before Maddy's first birthday. 

I moved out of our home January 3rd 2018...exactly 19 days before my daughters 1st birthday. 




Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a girl with long shady eyes. She carried those eyes in a skull that swam with Chaos...they always seemed full of static. They always were wet and glassy...some days they seemed frozen. Of all the things she painted on her face...to hide the truth, those eyes could not lie. 
They held stories that people craved to learn. They held truths she didn't know how to share. Who would care anyways?

Then one afternoon, on the celebration day of her birth, a single drop fell in to the shallow pool of despair, and caused ripple after ripple. Like an echo in a ravine...returning to you over and over.

When they say you have one person in this world, that is your person, they weren't kidding. So many people pass through your story book that sometimes they all just become a blur. But when you meet someone you have shared memories with, in the past...that's something so special and so rare.

He found me and he swore he wasn't even looking. It was something like electricity that passed between us. There was something in those eyes that yearned for me...something so familiar. Like in lives past I looked into those eyes before. Baby blue with a golden ring around the center. I knew those eyes.

And those eyes knew me.

He split my soul right down the middle and severed me from reality. Pulled me into his arms, one night, in the pouring rain and whispered in my ear...

"I know this will fuck things up, but i don't care. I love you."

My breath caught in my throat...but the mountains of broken promises in my esophagus wouldn't let any words come out.  I just let the rain continue to soak my flesh and drip down my back. That night tasted like gin and there was magic in the air. A certain electrical current went though the sky...and enveloped us into a thing that I don't have a name for.

Every star in the sky could have tumbled down in to the ground and I wouldn't even have noticed.



Here we are many moons after that night...and for the first time in 4 years, i feel like someone is loving me the way I should be. The way I deserve.


And if that hurts anyone or ruffles feathers....take a long walk off a short pier.

I hope you get what you have given back 50 fold.

Breathing slowly but surely,
-J.C.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Anger Toward Flesh

Asking for anything is like passing rocks through a sieve.

Passing seconds flick by as I sit motionless, trying to catch my breath.

Unlike the piles of decaying bone clogging my throat, my eyes scream volumes. 
Hear Me.

For He knows not what He needs.

Purple mold encasing my fractured womb makes it ok. 
Ok to laugh at.

Read me sonnets for my lullaby. 

Fuck the norm...I want to fly. 

Needle piercing skull to remove the memory of hate.

Take it away. All was made up anyway.

Like the Once Upon a Time my eyes thrived on only now makes them weep.

This language I speak is only understood by some. 

Gurgling with coagulated words that come out in barely a whisper. 
A mimic of what was scraped off the ocean floor. 

Serpents hide down there with razors for teeth - like cut outs of cold steel. 

They wait patiently to separate you from your soul. 

Everyone has Shade and it makes us Human.



I'd rather be that serpent engorged on pipe dreams. 



Dredging pearls through the mud, 
-J.C.


Friday, May 12, 2017

Repulsion Invades Me

I need you like water needs my lungs.
Drifting along with dead moths encrusting my hair.
 
Everything sickly blue and bleached...the snow littering the ground like foamy saliva.
I hope and plead that the wind does not beckon for me tonight.
I can not bear the chill and I fear finding something dead on my doorstep.

The dreams come again. 

Flimsy images that swallow reality and upon waking, the morning laughs at me for being afraid.

Bitter drafts flutter the dead butterflies wings bringing the illusion of life. 

Where is the warmth I long for?
Who is able to give me a flying lesson?
....
Souls to roam within the velvet sky.

Someone come find me. Call for me.

Please, scream my name.

I wonder how they would feel knowing I am actually faceless.

Take some more out of me. Chunks of flesh bitten from my core.

Let me see what you have left.


Sunday, April 30, 2017

The Time Had Come To Move Out Of My Way

It is hard to go into things that have been happening for a long time. I feel as if I have to start from the very beginning and I just do not have the time no the energy to do so. It is just too much that adds up to practically nothing....if that makes sense. 
Here is the condensed version:

My biological father has 7 kids from 4 different women. How is this possible is beyond me...why? Because my father is gross, in many ways then just the aspect of he fathered 7 children and doesn't give a shit about any of them.  

I have met, and dislike 40%* of his kids.

Just this past weekend, that percent went up to 50%*
(* These numbers do not include me)

I spent 2 years, on and off, looking for that 6th sibling. I met her when I was a tiny J but havent seen her since, and I am sure she had no memory of me beings she is 3 years younger. 

Amyways, I found her. I started talking to her on a Sunday...by Wednesday she had lied to me and had "joined ranks" with the sperm donor, even after I had warned her of his transgressions and how they have impacted my life. I told her of his stints in jail. Yes, multiple. I filled her in on his chemical abuse..... She claims she shuddered with disgust. She said how her husband was going to kick his ass for walking out of her life......blah-de-fucking-blah.

They met and hung out on Tuesday. 

She let him snuggle her son. She took pics with him and posted them captioned, "I missed and love this man. I love you, Daddy!" 

Umm.................... 


So, that longing to find her has been filled and the want of maybe having another cool ass sister has obviously passed. She is exactly like Brittany and Robert.....exactly like Wendy and my Father.....
Disgusting, worthless and mentally unstable, dirty pieces of shit slobs. No education, no drive to make anything of their lives, no want to accomplish more....to have more....to do more. No need to take care of themselves...

I find as I get older and older...I need less and less people in my life. I especially do not need people like that in my life. Or my daughters. 




So, just like that...something I spent so long doing....ended. And good riddance. 


Au Revoir,

-J.C.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Durch Gefahren Uns├Ągliches

Once more I am finding myself stumbling. I have almost everything my heart has ever desired but why do I feel so god damn sad?
I am going to chalk this up to postpartum depression. It definitely is real. The absolute helplessness I feel when i wake up is nothing like I have felt before. I feel like all I do is sit in the house with my beautiful tiny babe and wait. Wait for what? I have no idea.

 I suppose theres different kinds of PPD...theres the kind where you aren't bonding with your baby and you cant be around him or her. That's not what I am feeling. I have definitely bonded and love this tiny little bit to pieces! 

I feel like I am not connecting with adults anymore......I have a weird feeling toward my husband....like I feel like he doesn't know me and that he looks at me like I am a stranger. I feel different about my Mom...as if I now finally know the love she felt for me and Amanda and the amount of devotion she has for us and it makes my heart want to explode with love for her. I feel off about my friends...Maybe because they're never around. I miss my sister so much that it hurts sometimes...but she has her own life that she is living. Every one keeps saying they're here for me...but how can someone be there for someone else when they have no idea what it is that I am feeling?

I am ready for this winter to be over. I am ready to feel the sunshine on my face and the grass under my feet. I am ready to plant things and start the garden. I am ready to take vacation in June. I am sure once I am able to be out of this house more I might feel better about myself. It might even make Madilynn less cranky to have the sun on her chubby cheeks.




I dont really know how long PPD lasts. I didnt even think I would feel the way I do after giving birth. I said to myself, noooo, not me!!!!!
I will try my hardest to get through these last few weeks of winter... I am just glad I can still use this page as an outlet. 


Sorry for the bitching to whoever reads this. 

Folding into myself, 
-J.C.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Stumbling Down The Path Of Yesterday

I have been thinking about a lot today. Just dealing with a lot with moving forward on this journey of becoming a Mom, I guess. 

There is a song that resonates in my mind when I think about my past. 

"What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold"

I know there are some people in my past that I was completely and utterly shitty to. But then again, there are people that I have known...that deserve more then a little bit of the Chaos I put out. 

They deserved more then the cup of bleach I poured them from pretty tea pots. 

I remember a room that I was painting a powder blue...and standing on a ladder trying to reach the ceiling... and all I thought about was my future. How shiny I could make it...all the dreams I had and all the desires I felt inside of me. I felt as if I opened my mouth, the entire universe would spill out. I was a new born just starting to crawl. 

I gave up a lot over the years. I let go of some dreams...I opened my hands and they just poured out of my palms. I would have followed them anywhere...through darkness....through light....through the storms.

I learned how to bridge a deck of cards in a storm once. 

I always thought I could be anything I wanted, if I put my mind to it. This has been the hardest thing I had to learn....that there are certain things that I would never be able to control.

A small hand holding mine, looking up to me with bright eyes full of wonder....


"Mommy...tell me the story again.....Tell me how you and Daddy fell in love....."

I need to fulfill the starvation my dreams have caused me....so I can learn the meaning of the sun. 




I apologize for the breaking of stars....

Stumbling hard,
-J.C.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

A Years Worth Of Angst

It literally took me about 45 minutes to try and remember the log in for this account. It had gotten lost in the move between lap top to desk top and I almost gave myself a heart attack. Apparently I have 12 Google accounts but not one of them was the key to get in to my Blogspot. 

Anywayyyy.

Past year Erich and I have been hot and heavy on the fertility journey. We have been through SO much. Countless tests, blood work out of the wahzoo, visit after visit and ultrasound after ultrasound, medication that we had to inject for over a week.... We started our first cycle of IVF in February. 
And it ended in a Big Fat Negative at the end of February.

We were CRUSHED, to say the very least.

It seemed like everything we did was worthless...I felt so empty and tired and sad...This has literally been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. Its so hard to stay positive and focused when all around me is post after post of pregnancy announcements, new moms, adorable babies...it literally kills me. I am so happy for people who get the chance to have their own children.....

I am just very sad for us.

And that brings me to another thing I want to vent a bit about. Its just a vent...don't take offense.... 

I am SO sick of hearing certain things from people. I literally wanted to explode the other day....I know you guys love me and want to support this journey....but if the words coming out of your mouth are anything more then i love you....keep at it! or questions about what we are doing.......then I do not want them. Sometimes the things people say hurt me...without intentions I know....but they do and causes a lot of stress. I have chosen to share my journey publicly...but maybe going forward I may not.......
  Here are a few things I have gotten from people that dig me:

**"It will happen when the time is right." 
Excuse me.....This is a controlled medical procedure, not a natural pregnancy...so the time is right when the doctor does the procedure. So, enough of that noise....

**"Maybe this is a test"
A test? A test of what? How long I am able to put up with stupid comments before I snap someones neck?

**"Take my kids for the day."
I do not want your shitty kids...If I wanted someone else's shitty kid we would be saving the 30k to adopt. Fuck off. Immediately.

**"We will continue praying!"
That's awesome and I appreciate that you keep us in your thoughts so much...but is this seriously the 'will' of your god??? If it was, why would a happy, stable and loving husband and wife not be able to give birth to a child...but teenagers without jobs, a car, a savings, their own place etc can or people who abuse or even kill their children can do it so easily??? Oh, you live off of government money and refuse to work to provide for your 6 children who all have different fathers? THAT sounds legit! Living the dream!!!!


We are trying everything we can to move forward to do a frozen egg transfer (FET) and we were looking at May for that...but insurance is taking forever!!!! We don't even know yet if we are able to pay for the FET with insurance money, and they wanted to start the cycle next week......I cant. They called me today to try and tell me that we have 10,000$ on prescription coverage ......I'm like, no we don't. She insisted on it and even wanted to order my new medications. Took 3 hours for a supervision to call and tell me she was wrong and was looking at the wrong account the whole time........I've been dealing with this the whole time... Its none stop stress and miscommunication and no one knows what the hell they're doing... Idiots!


In other news...we are still waiting on a return call from the realtor about a house we put an offer on. It is literally the best house that Erich and I have been in so far! We absolutely LOVE it! I am trying to see this as the silver lining of our failed IVF. Maybe this was in our cards before our baby...I just really hope to hear something SOON! I am super anxious!!!! 


Oh and one more thing....My second novel, SideWinder (the continuation of Twisting Mirrors) is almost ready for print!!!!!!

Since I am able to log into my account now, I will try to stay on top of it.


Hold your breath.....
-J.C.