Years have turned again. Turned and things, like seasons, have changed.
SO MUCH HAS CHANGED.
Today marks 4 years after tragedy struck my life. 4 years since I found my Husband in an affair with my 17 year old half sister. Not just sexually either. He claimed to love her...told me i was in the way. I am sure if you go through some old blogs you will stumble across the word vomit I splattered on page after page. 4 years of feeling second best. 4 years of pretending like I was Ok. 4 years of therapy an journal entries I can barely read because my hand writing is so horrid. I look back and I think to myself...will I ever feel anything less then what I feel? Will it ever pass? I feel like this is the absolute most pain I have felt from a betrayal in my whole 31 years. The pain is real...and the pain is still very present inside of my chest. Some days barely noticeable while other days I feel it bubble and cause minor affixation.
What a mess.
I did everything I could to carry on and move forward. Erich and I had THE most beautiful baby girl in 2017.
I begged him, pleaded...and sacrificed so much in order for him to fix the hole he created. After our daughter was born things got even stranger with his obsession to find other women to share himself with. I cried to him...Please do not do this. Fix our marriage or we will be facing divorce before Maddy's first birthday.
I moved out of our home January 3rd 2018...exactly 19 days before my daughters 1st birthday.
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a girl with long shady eyes. She carried those eyes in a skull that swam with Chaos...they always seemed full of static. They always were wet and glassy...some days they seemed frozen. Of all the things she painted on her face...to hide the truth, those eyes could not lie.
They held stories that people craved to learn. They held truths she didn't know how to share. Who would care anyways?
Then one afternoon, on the celebration day of her birth, a single drop fell in to the shallow pool of despair, and caused ripple after ripple. Like an echo in a ravine...returning to you over and over.
When they say you have one person in this world, that is your person, they weren't kidding. So many people pass through your story book that sometimes they all just become a blur. But when you meet someone you have shared memories with, in the past...that's something so special and so rare.
He found me and he swore he wasn't even looking. It was something like electricity that passed between us. There was something in those eyes that yearned for me...something so familiar. Like in lives past I looked into those eyes before. Baby blue with a golden ring around the center. I knew those eyes.
And those eyes knew me.
He split my soul right down the middle and severed me from reality. Pulled me into his arms, one night, in the pouring rain and whispered in my ear...
"I know this will fuck things up, but i don't care. I love you."
My breath caught in my throat...but the mountains of broken promises in my esophagus wouldn't let any words come out. I just let the rain continue to soak my flesh and drip down my back. That night tasted like gin and there was magic in the air. A certain electrical current went though the sky...and enveloped us into a thing that I don't have a name for.
Every star in the sky could have tumbled down in to the ground and I wouldn't even have noticed.
Here we are many moons after that night...and for the first time in 4 years, i feel like someone is loving me the way I should be. The way I deserve.
And if that hurts anyone or ruffles feathers....take a long walk off a short pier.
I hope you get what you have given back 50 fold.
Breathing slowly but surely,