Monday, May 15, 2017

Anger Toward Flesh

Asking for anything is like passing rocks through a sieve.

Passing seconds flick by as I sit motionless, trying to catch my breath.

Unlike the piles of decaying bone clogging my throat, my eyes scream volumes. 
Hear Me.

For He knows not what He needs.

Purple mold encasing my fractured womb makes it ok. 
Ok to laugh at.

Read me sonnets for my lullaby. 

Fuck the norm...I want to fly. 

Needle piercing skull to remove the memory of hate.

Take it away. All was made up anyway.

Like the Once Upon a Time my eyes thrived on only now makes them weep.

This language I speak is only understood by some. 

Gurgling with coagulated words that come out in barely a whisper. 
A mimic of what was scraped off the ocean floor. 

Serpents hide down there with razors for teeth - like cut outs of cold steel. 

They wait patiently to separate you from your soul. 

Everyone has Shade and it makes us Human.

I'd rather be that serpent engorged on pipe dreams. 

Dredging pearls through the mud, 

Friday, May 12, 2017

Repulsion Invades Me

I need you like water needs my lungs.
Drifting along with dead moths encrusting my hair.
Everything sickly blue and bleached...the snow littering the ground like foamy saliva.
I hope and plead that the wind does not beckon for me tonight.
I can not bear the chill and I fear finding something dead on my doorstep.

The dreams come again. 

Flimsy images that swallow reality and upon waking, the morning laughs at me for being afraid.

Bitter drafts flutter the dead butterflies wings bringing the illusion of life. 

Where is the warmth I long for?
Who is able to give me a flying lesson?
Souls to roam within the velvet sky.

Someone come find me. Call for me.

Please, scream my name.

I wonder how they would feel knowing I am actually faceless.

Take some more out of me. Chunks of flesh bitten from my core.

Let me see what you have left.

Sunday, April 30, 2017

The Time Had Come To Move Out Of My Way

It is hard to go into things that have been happening for a long time. I feel as if I have to start from the very beginning and I just do not have the time no the energy to do so. It is just too much that adds up to practically nothing....if that makes sense. 
Here is the condensed version:

My biological father has 7 kids from 4 different women. How is this possible is beyond me...why? Because my father is gross, in many ways then just the aspect of he fathered 7 children and doesn't give a shit about any of them.  

I have met, and dislike 40%* of his kids.

Just this past weekend, that percent went up to 50%*
(* These numbers do not include me)

I spent 2 years, on and off, looking for that 6th sibling. I met her when I was a tiny J but havent seen her since, and I am sure she had no memory of me beings she is 3 years younger. 

Amyways, I found her. I started talking to her on a Wednesday she had lied to me and had "joined ranks" with the sperm donor, even after I had warned her of his transgressions and how they have impacted my life. I told her of his stints in jail. Yes, multiple. I filled her in on his chemical abuse..... She claims she shuddered with disgust. She said how her husband was going to kick his ass for walking out of her life......blah-de-fucking-blah.

They met and hung out on Tuesday. 

She let him snuggle her son. She took pics with him and posted them captioned, "I missed and love this man. I love you, Daddy!" 


So, that longing to find her has been filled and the want of maybe having another cool ass sister has obviously passed. She is exactly like Brittany and Robert.....exactly like Wendy and my Father.....
Disgusting, worthless and mentally unstable, dirty pieces of shit slobs. No education, no drive to make anything of their lives, no want to accomplish have do more. No need to take care of themselves...

I find as I get older and older...I need less and less people in my life. I especially do not need people like that in my life. Or my daughters. 

So, just like that...something I spent so long doing....ended. And good riddance. 

Au Revoir,


Thursday, March 16, 2017

Durch Gefahren Uns├Ągliches

Once more I am finding myself stumbling. I have almost everything my heart has ever desired but why do I feel so god damn sad?
I am going to chalk this up to postpartum depression. It definitely is real. The absolute helplessness I feel when i wake up is nothing like I have felt before. I feel like all I do is sit in the house with my beautiful tiny babe and wait. Wait for what? I have no idea.

 I suppose theres different kinds of PPD...theres the kind where you aren't bonding with your baby and you cant be around him or her. That's not what I am feeling. I have definitely bonded and love this tiny little bit to pieces! 

I feel like I am not connecting with adults anymore......I have a weird feeling toward my I feel like he doesn't know me and that he looks at me like I am a stranger. I feel different about my if I now finally know the love she felt for me and Amanda and the amount of devotion she has for us and it makes my heart want to explode with love for her. I feel off about my friends...Maybe because they're never around. I miss my sister so much that it hurts sometimes...but she has her own life that she is living. Every one keeps saying they're here for me...but how can someone be there for someone else when they have no idea what it is that I am feeling?

I am ready for this winter to be over. I am ready to feel the sunshine on my face and the grass under my feet. I am ready to plant things and start the garden. I am ready to take vacation in June. I am sure once I am able to be out of this house more I might feel better about myself. It might even make Madilynn less cranky to have the sun on her chubby cheeks.

I dont really know how long PPD lasts. I didnt even think I would feel the way I do after giving birth. I said to myself, noooo, not me!!!!!
I will try my hardest to get through these last few weeks of winter... I am just glad I can still use this page as an outlet. 

Sorry for the bitching to whoever reads this. 

Folding into myself, 

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Stumbling Down The Path Of Yesterday

I have been thinking about a lot today. Just dealing with a lot with moving forward on this journey of becoming a Mom, I guess. 

There is a song that resonates in my mind when I think about my past. 

"What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold"

I know there are some people in my past that I was completely and utterly shitty to. But then again, there are people that I have known...that deserve more then a little bit of the Chaos I put out. 

They deserved more then the cup of bleach I poured them from pretty tea pots. 

I remember a room that I was painting a powder blue...and standing on a ladder trying to reach the ceiling... and all I thought about was my future. How shiny I could make it...all the dreams I had and all the desires I felt inside of me. I felt as if I opened my mouth, the entire universe would spill out. I was a new born just starting to crawl. 

I gave up a lot over the years. I let go of some dreams...I opened my hands and they just poured out of my palms. I would have followed them anywhere...through darkness....through light....through the storms.

I learned how to bridge a deck of cards in a storm once. 

I always thought I could be anything I wanted, if I put my mind to it. This has been the hardest thing I had to learn....that there are certain things that I would never be able to control.

A small hand holding mine, looking up to me with bright eyes full of wonder....

"Mommy...tell me the story again.....Tell me how you and Daddy fell in love....."

I need to fulfill the starvation my dreams have caused I can learn the meaning of the sun. 

I apologize for the breaking of stars....

Stumbling hard,

Thursday, March 24, 2016

A Years Worth Of Angst

It literally took me about 45 minutes to try and remember the log in for this account. It had gotten lost in the move between lap top to desk top and I almost gave myself a heart attack. Apparently I have 12 Google accounts but not one of them was the key to get in to my Blogspot. 


Past year Erich and I have been hot and heavy on the fertility journey. We have been through SO much. Countless tests, blood work out of the wahzoo, visit after visit and ultrasound after ultrasound, medication that we had to inject for over a week.... We started our first cycle of IVF in February. 
And it ended in a Big Fat Negative at the end of February.

We were CRUSHED, to say the very least.

It seemed like everything we did was worthless...I felt so empty and tired and sad...This has literally been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. Its so hard to stay positive and focused when all around me is post after post of pregnancy announcements, new moms, adorable literally kills me. I am so happy for people who get the chance to have their own children.....

I am just very sad for us.

And that brings me to another thing I want to vent a bit about. Its just a vent...don't take offense.... 

I am SO sick of hearing certain things from people. I literally wanted to explode the other day....I know you guys love me and want to support this journey....but if the words coming out of your mouth are anything more then i love you....keep at it! or questions about what we are doing.......then I do not want them. Sometimes the things people say hurt me...without intentions I know....but they do and causes a lot of stress. I have chosen to share my journey publicly...but maybe going forward I may not.......
  Here are a few things I have gotten from people that dig me:

**"It will happen when the time is right." 
Excuse me.....This is a controlled medical procedure, not a natural the time is right when the doctor does the procedure. So, enough of that noise....

**"Maybe this is a test"
A test? A test of what? How long I am able to put up with stupid comments before I snap someones neck?

**"Take my kids for the day."
I do not want your shitty kids...If I wanted someone else's shitty kid we would be saving the 30k to adopt. Fuck off. Immediately.

**"We will continue praying!"
That's awesome and I appreciate that you keep us in your thoughts so much...but is this seriously the 'will' of your god??? If it was, why would a happy, stable and loving husband and wife not be able to give birth to a child...but teenagers without jobs, a car, a savings, their own place etc can or people who abuse or even kill their children can do it so easily??? Oh, you live off of government money and refuse to work to provide for your 6 children who all have different fathers? THAT sounds legit! Living the dream!!!!

We are trying everything we can to move forward to do a frozen egg transfer (FET) and we were looking at May for that...but insurance is taking forever!!!! We don't even know yet if we are able to pay for the FET with insurance money, and they wanted to start the cycle next week......I cant. They called me today to try and tell me that we have 10,000$ on prescription coverage ......I'm like, no we don't. She insisted on it and even wanted to order my new medications. Took 3 hours for a supervision to call and tell me she was wrong and was looking at the wrong account the whole time........I've been dealing with this the whole time... Its none stop stress and miscommunication and no one knows what the hell they're doing... Idiots!

In other news...we are still waiting on a return call from the realtor about a house we put an offer on. It is literally the best house that Erich and I have been in so far! We absolutely LOVE it! I am trying to see this as the silver lining of our failed IVF. Maybe this was in our cards before our baby...I just really hope to hear something SOON! I am super anxious!!!! 

Oh and one more thing....My second novel, SideWinder (the continuation of Twisting Mirrors) is almost ready for print!!!!!!

Since I am able to log into my account now, I will try to stay on top of it.

Hold your breath.....

Friday, March 6, 2015

The Bottom Line

As you all know, Erich and I have been seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist  because we have been having trouble conceiving for the past few years. We have been seeing Dr Levine since the beginning of December and we have gone through his entire “fertility investigation” that he ordered. 

Two rounds of blood work for me, one for Erich. He had a complete semen analysis. Then I had a test called an SIS, which is a saline infused sonogram. This test is where they inject saline into your uterus and look for polyps or scar tissue or things along those lines. It wasn’t too comfortable. They found a polyp in there. 
Then we went for an HSG, which is a hysterosalpingogram. This is a test where they push contrast dye into your fallopian tubes to check for any blockages or scar tissue. During my test, I was told that the dye was filling my tubes but wasn’t releasing, which means there could be a blockage. This test literally brought a tear to my eye. It hurt SO much and he explained that the pain was caused by the blockage. If there was not a blockage, it wouldn’t have hurt so much. The radiologist also told me he wasn’t seeing any scar tissue but will look through the x-rays and write his report to Dr. Levine. 
Dr Levine never shared this report with me. 

Upon receiving our results from Levine’s office, he determined that laparoscopy surgery was needed to see the blockage up close and personal and try to release it or break it up, as well as remove the polyp from my uterus. We scheduled and had the surgery, within 2 weeks of that appointment. While I was in recovery, Dr Levine told Erich and my mom that the tubes were so beyond damaged from scar tissue that there was no saving them or breaking up the scarring. They asked what could have caused this and Levine replied with a standard text book response. He said it could be from inflammation or an infection. I have never even had a UTI before let alone any kind of infection…so how did this happen and what caused this?? They kept asking…he kept replying with almost the same response. He told them my tubes are “not usable” and also said “we will discuss other options at your follow up next week.” I am currently recovering from the surgery which has had me in a GREAT deal of pain and discomfort.  They cut 2 incisions as well as one in my belly button and on top of that, dilated and went through my cervix to remove the polyp.

Erich and I have talked about this and we have decided that we are going to seek out a second opinion. Since day one of seeing Levine he has always mentioned IVF. None stop talk about IVF. We feel as if he will say these exact words on Monday when we go for our follow up. He is going to say….”We should go back in and remove the tubes and then start rounds of IVF.” We can almost guarantee this is what will be said…and we are NOT in denial about getting this news that we will never be able to have children like normal people…we are just not sure if removing the tubes and doing IVF is our only option and we want to speak with another doctor before we decide to do this VERY life altering surgery. Not having fallopian tubes means we will NEVER be able to have children on our own and if we wanted more than one child, it is out of the question, unless we adopt, because IVF is 10-15,000$ A POP and there’s not even a guarantee that it would WORK……..

Our second opinion is March 26th at noon with a different doctor. If this doctor reviews our case and he also determines that my tubes are destroyed and not useable, then we will proceed with whatever our options are, that we will hear from Levine on Monday.

I am trying to stay positive. I am trying to think outside of the box. I read a TON of articles where the patients were told the exact same things and here they are with perfect and healthy children. I am trying to have faith and keep my head high…but the news that Levine gave us was such a hard pill to swallow that I still feel it stuck in my throat. I have spent these last few days, while I am healing, looking on the internet for some sort of hope. I feel so much helplessness right now…and I have even apologized to my patient and kind husband, while on narcotics, that I was sorry for not being a complete woman. But just know, it wasn’t just the pain meds talking…I DO feel this way. He deserves the best from his wife…and I don’t feel like I can give him the best because as of right now, I am not able to give him his munchkin the normal way.
 I feel a sort of desperation here…and I am hoping, with everything that I am, the news is better after we see a different doctor. I didn’t realize having a family would be this hard…or this painful.

Hold your children in your arms tightly, Moms… they are indeed the best thing that will ever happen to you.  I would kill to be in your shoes. To be parents, for Erich and I, it would be such a blessing and such a honor. It really is a privilege and NOT a given to be able to have your own children. My heart completely and utterly aches right now…I feel SO much emotion…..and I am not really sure how to handle it. 

With every beat of my heart,