Tuesday, June 24, 2014

The Demons of 4AM Come To Torture

Here I sit....4 in the morning...wondering what the fuck I am doing. Nothing seems real...every voice seems like it is in the distance. I feel ugly again...abandoned... Was I not good enough? Did I do something to deserve the static in my head this time? After all these years of dishing out poison, was it my turn to take the sip?
I cant sleep. I tried...
I feel like everything is shutting down...my entire body has given up on me. Everything always gives up on me. There has been new pain inside of me. Something I cant put my finger on...but doubles me over in agony. I don't want you to tell me to go to the Doctor....I want you to take me there, holding my hand and comforting me..... wrapping me into you like you used to......

The nightmares have gotten worse, so maybe I should be thankful they don't plague me tonight. Then again, maybe the demons that visit me in my dreams are being put there so I cant tell what is real or fake anymore. Something has to break....and it might as well be me. 

I sat outside before...one more cigarette before bed, I told myself....when the fire hit filter...I was still staring up at the stars. I long to be among them...flying high in the black velvet of the sky...or maybe I just want to be one of them. But even stars burn out then shoot across the sky...their streak of tail saying it's final goodbye.......maybe someone would make a wish on me as I turned into ash.

I wish.....I wish.......
I wish things were back to normal. I'd wish for the simple life we once had... of love and happiness....laughing and gentle kisses....I'd wish we were back in the apartment, just us.........those were the happiest moments, after all. I'd wish for silence in my head....wish for blindness behind my eye lids. I would wish for the happily ever after I thought was Ours. I would wish to turn back time. I would wish for soft embraces and your fingers in my hair....I wish I could stop crying....
I wish.....I wish....

What is going to happen to me? To Us? How do I come back from all of this pain? Do I move forward, one step at a time or do I give in to how weak and alone I feel? 


I just want to be folded up into his ribcage....where I can feel safe, just for a little while. I want those eyes....the color of the sea after a storm....to give me that calmness....His hand on my cheek...brushing away the tear drops with a thumb. I want to hear him say my name...





The demons in my head are calling me back to sleep... Do I listen?





The stardust is making me blind while it is pouring from my eyes,
-J.C.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

A Blueprint For Disorder

So here I sit, 18 days away from being married for 9 months...and everything has crashed into a pile of broken glass and burned belongings. All I have been breathing in is ash and embers and my lungs are filled to the brim with refuse.

The Elsewhere has been nothing but a storm, raging all around me. No matter where I turn, another lightening bolt stops me from moving forward. The wind has been whipping me and throwing me into the rose bushes, which stab and prick every inch of my flesh. These once beautiful blooms have died and are decaying. I have once again, lost everything I held to my heart. 

I am not going to go into what happened via internet blog...but for those of you who know me personally, already know the trauma that was thrown into my face this past Thursday. And please, before you write me off as "OK".....please know, I am not. 

I feel nothing inside of me but anger, hate and rage. I would rather be spilling blood then sitting her writing...but because I have remained calm for these past 6 days, I see no point in flipping everyone's world upside down.  But, I will....if provoked anymore. I will come for your throat. I feel like that is the only thing that will soothe the rage in me anyway....I am a destroyer. Destroy to be destroyed, right? Eye for an eye?? We shall see what happens the next time something like this will be spit into my face.........

I seriously mean it when i say....and i am not being dramatic at ALL, I am BEYOND broken. Everything that I was, and everything that I give was just all taken for granted and I was betrayed. Stabbed in the back by someone who was supposed to be protecting me. I guess I should never stand back to back with someone anymore.....it makes it easier for them to slide the knife in between my ribs. I was used.....a cut flower left in the sun to die and wither away. 

I knew this shit was going on when I was writing my last blog....if you go back and reread it....I knew. I knew deep within my soul that this was happening, right under my nose....in my own house.....with the man I was in love with and my own flesh and blood.....I fucking knew it. But the proof was in the pudding....and I had to just see it for myself, I guess. Living in denial is sometimes so much easier....

....You don't forget how to breathe when you're just saying...."No no no.....they wouldn't do that to me.....after everything him and I have gone through and the love we share.........She respects me more then that....no no no......"

Sweet Goddess, was I fucking wrong. Turned out exactly how I thought it would. Lies covered by more lies.....on top of more lies and then add in the delusional child dreams.....and you have a fucking mess. More mess then the amount of burned shit in the fire pit....That was a mess...and smelled like dirty fucking whore. But, that is one of the ways I purge filth.... That is one way I take our the trash. Everything you ever had, gone....

I don't really know how to bounce back from this. I know, if this is what I choose to do, it is going to take A LOT of time....and he will have to win every piece of my heart back. I guess that is where I am at now....stuck between pain and more pain. Suffering through the images behind my eyes....the thoughts in my head..... 

I haven't really eaten since last Wednesday. My stomach is FUCKED. Anything I try to put in there comes right back up. I cried myself to sleep, 2 nights in a row....and my "Protector" couldn't even comfort me. My "Best friend" couldnt even put his arm around me and tell me it was ok and he was so very sorry..... So what do I do??? ....... 

If you can hear me....please tell me what to do. If you can hear me....come to me and wrap your arms around me....let me cry on your shoulder. Let me hit you and scream. If you can hear me..........

......save me. 





With a kiss made out of cinders,
-J.C.



Thursday, June 5, 2014

The Air Around Me Still Feels Like A Cage

Through the years of myself, I have felt love and have lost love. But there was only one thing that remained the same...I was never worthy to feel it. I never deserved it. Someone told me a long, long time ago that there would never be anyone who would or could love me. They said I was like a tiny fragment of a piece of broken glass and as time went on, then I would spider web out of control and destroy everyone around me, including myself. I didnt believe him. I refused to think that someone, like me, could ever be out of control. I was just a silent breeze on the summer night...yes, I was slightly broken, but I always promised myself that I would never let go. I was never going to listen to that shit. 
Slowly, as time wore on, I noticed that the poison I inflicted onto people was just my way of gaining control. I just wanted control...I didn't try for that once in a life time happily ever after because I always knew, deep within my skin, how it would end up. How I would hurt them. I knew, the whole time, even through the tainted and broken I love you's, what the outcome would be. 

So, I just floated, like a silent summer breeze at night. In and out of people's lives. Like a ghost who didn't see the light. 

I think I became something I swore all of those years ago I wouldn't become. I am pretty sure I have lost something so very precious to me. I think I am without the love of someone who was supposed to stand by my side through everything. I think I have turned something so beautiful into something very ugly and full of hate. But, I cant think if I have ever done anything to make it become this. I dont think I the spilled the poison into his lungs, like I did to all the rest. I sat quiet when I should have argued and fought for what was right. 

I think I have lost myself. I think....i think.....i think.....

That is all I have been doing is thinking...Because I cant feel him anymore. I cant remember what it feels like to really feel his lips on mine with the fire of passion we used to share. Come to think of it, it has been so long that I dont recall what it feels like to feel actually.... loved. 

Was I ever really loved or was it another one of those dreams where I wake up in a cold sweat and barely able to breathe? Was it another one of the charades I put myself into so I could stop feeling pain? Was I in the Elsewhere, living my fantasy? Did I conjure this all up to quiet the static in my head? Is this all make believe........?

I feel as if I ate my own fucking poison apple. I took a bite of the decay I was so used to feeding other people. I poured anguish into pretty china and set them in front of my conquests....but right now, I am getting a taste of my own bitter potion. I didnt realize it left such a lump in your stomach......

.....Or maybe thats from me not eating. Welcome home disorder....I have missed you. The gnawing in my body keeps me company. And calms me when I scream "SHUT THE FUCK UP" at it. The gnaw is my friend. The only thing thats ever felt like home to me. Hopefully I will slip away unnoticed. Or maybe become something he can love...I already dyed my hair because thats what he prefers....hoping he could see me if I was something he liked. 



What do I do? How can I start over when he was supposed to me the chapter of my book that made readers finally able to relax after all the turmoil I have been through. He was supposed to keep me safe. He was supposed to be it for me. You are it for me. You are it for me. You are it for me. 





Theres much left unsaid, 
-J.C.