Fate Has Finally Found Me

There is some distance in the Elsewhere today...The wind must be blowing too hard or something because the ringing in my ears is really starting to irritate me. 

The gardens have started blooming there, and I found myself there last night, running my finger tips gently across the silky buds and walking through the new baby grass, in bare feet. The dew on it this morning was cold, but there wasn't any frost, which is something new. I saw a robin...and I settled down next to it, and sang..."Oh pretty robin." 

I'm really glad that spring has found it's way into the Elsewhere...I was getting pretty depressed looking at the dead and slightly decaying roses. Too much brown. But this is the dark before the light. The storm before the calm.

This place will be so full of roses in a couple weeks that I can put money on it that they will start to suffocate me. But I can't wait. I can't wait for the lightening bugs to come back. They make the meadow look like it is covered in glitter at night.

I love the way everything is changing. It makes me feel amazing inside.

And I like every second of it. It feels like I can breathe.

Drinking in a possible forever, 
-J.C.

Flowers In My Hair

He left last night, like he always does on Thursday evenings.....and again, i'm left unable to breathe...unable to think straight. Feeling as if im bound and gagged. I dont know why these feelings are so strong about this boy. I have never felt so connected, so sure...about a man in my entire life. There has to be something wrong with me. I have to be broken. I dont do this. This isnt like me.

All i can think about...all i can see...is the way my hair falls everywhere when im straddling him. The way his deep blue eyes pierce through me, as if he can see deep into my soul. The way his finger tips feel when they trace designs on me that practically sear themselves into my flesh. The way my lips burn when he leaves. The way my entire body erupts in fire when hes deep inside of me. But, most of all....those eyes. So beautiful. So mysterious. And its as if he knew me already...as if our paths crossed in some other time period. Some other plane of existence.

As much as i hate the way i feel so, out of control, i dont want it to stop. I dont want him to take away the last shred of emotion that i didnt even know i had. Is this the way living is supposed to feel? Ripping, tearing, shredding, destroying, pulsating, sweating, needing, wanting, silken, inside, outside, everywhere. All at once. I dont even think i have words for this. Theres no explanation. No reasoning behind it.

He makes me want to fly. To be a better person. He makes me feel beautiful. Wanted. Desired.

I want him all to myself. To fold him up in a paisley decorated cloth and hide him in my pocket. I want to be able to tell him everything...every last deep dark haunting secret. I want him to call upon me when his road gets bumpy. I want nothing more then to have every ounce of his love, his adoration, his jealousy, his anger...everything. I want to be able to memorize every scar on his delicious body. I want him to give me his whole self.

I have never had this many issues with a man. Never. I cant go one second without thinking about him...wondering what hes doing...hoping i'll get to see him before the sun sets on yet another fabulous day. I want him to forever trace hearts in the sky with me. To lay on the earthen floor and count the ways he adores me to the number of stars in the sky.

This has to be a dream. These kinds of things dont happen to me. I dont get this way. Why is this one so different? I need to know, and im not going to stop until i find out. 

Never ever going to stop.  

-J.C.

Disgusting Word Vomit

Today...is one of those days that I want to smack everyone and then curl up in my bed and just sleep. I woke up feeling fine...I had a fun night last night, (despite my mother being a cunt, demanding money from me and then leaving me home alone to go out to dinner with her boyfriend.)...I got my coffee and smoked a cigarette...messaged Adam, played CityVille...you know, the usual shit I do when I first get up...

Now, I feel like someone has punched me square in the jaw. I wish I was at work...so I had something to do instead of sit here like an asshole and write...So, anyway...halfway through my cup of coffee, I realized I was super hungry...beings I only ate a salad yesterday and nothing yet today...thinking to myself, Mom would be home soon and make something for dinner....i didn't bother looking for something to eat. Not that it would matter...because theres nothing to eat in this house anyway...

See, my mom hasnt been buying anything...and when i say anything, im not exaggerating....because she's trying to save every penny she has so she can pay the debt she got herself into (7,000$) by next week, because for some reason...she hasnt been taking care of her bills. Like thats a huge shocker. 

Last night before I left to go see Replica play...she asks me...."Wheres my money" in a nasty fucking tone and like shes a pimp demanding cash from her whore...so i slap 70 bucks down on the table...she asks me where i was going, i told her...and i got THE dirtiest fucking look i have ever seen in my life followed by a Pffft....

Now honestly, what the fuck is your problem?? I gave you the money you wanted...all of the money I had...and youre still going to give me a fucking attitude because Im not going to sit home and watch you and your boyfriend make out all night on the couch??? Eat me, bitch. 

But anyway, about my mood today...So, they got home...I'm in my room trying to just quit the "blah miserable me" thing...and they come in, change...Amanda says, "Where are you guys going?" Mom replies, "Out" and they fucking leave. 

Umm, Bye?

So, I dont know where they fucking went, nor do I care...its quiet in the house right now and I dont have to hear sloppy kissing coming from the living room...but really? For someone who cries that they have no money and arent buying groceries and are saving every penny...they are fucking out A LOT. But yet, when I can only give her 70 bucks...I get a fucking attitude. 

Like, for real...Im super annoyed. I still havent eaten, and probably wont because like previously mentioned...nothing to cook...but its ok...they both ate out, im sure. Maybe I'll get a doggy bag or something...

I am just so sick and fucking tired of feeling like this. Im tired of having to deal with her shitty ass im better then everyone attitude...and why dont i say anything to her? Because if i speak my mind, i lose my the place im living...She doesnt care that I have no where to go, she doesnt care if im here or not,she doesnt care that Im super miserable...she will kick me out on my ass without even a second thought....and she wonders why I have to jump state...because I have no where else to go here...

So i bite my tongue...i shrug it off...deal with the shit...blog about it...because if i say something....yeah, well...thatll be that. The last time I said something to her about her drinking issue and the way she spends money...she threw a cordless phone at me, pinned me against a wall asked me if i wanted to fight and kicked me out of the house...Awesome.

I know I keep mentioning moving out...and how it needs to happen, NOW...but im going to say it again. I need to get the FUCK out of here before i lose my temper...I dont do anything to her...im the only one that does house chores...i pay her the money she asks from me...but yet, I still have to suck up the abuse...

This shit aint right. 

But whatever...until i leave here, it wont change. She will never change...she will always be the same...

I honestly dont think she realizes how much of an asshole she is to me. 

Ya know, I sit and think things...reasons...why she is the way she is to me...and the only thing I can come up with is that she hates me...Hates me for having me ruin her life because she had me so young. Hates me for the demise of her and CJ...Hates me for not being as smart and pretty as Amanda...

Why is being me so difficult? Why is the life i lead so full of struggle? How long is this shit going to last? When will I be free of the garbage my mother puts me through? When will fucking life START?!?!!?

I need a fucking drink.

Just chewing the throw up,

-J.C.

Just Dance

Things the past two weeks have been nice. Valentines Day was great...even though Adam and I didnt exactly have our V-day on the right day...He got me the best Valentines present I have ever gotten...It's the Open Heart key from Kay Jewelers...exactly what I wanted...and it was hilarious...I was like, "I can haz diamonds??" I love him. 

Ya know, there isnt anything else i could ask for....(besides our own place) and that makes everything so nice. 

I cant wait for this summer...it's going to be the best. I know I say that every summer....but seriously, this one is going to be bomb ass. haha. 

So, I am going to have some writing in a new online literary magazine called Otherwise Caffeinated...and as soon as I get the link, I'll post it up in here..

This is so exciting...and to be honest, I wasnt going to send them anything, because we all know how i am with pieces that i write...(its all shit) but Adam said I should...so yeah...I am so glad i have him to push me to do the things that i should be doing...lol. Another reason I love him. 

So, things on the home front are kind of shaky...Mom is in some serious debt with her rent and shit...bout 7 grand worth...that has to be paid by the middle of next week...and i guess her and amanda havent been being to kosher to each other...Amanda is always crying to mom that she doesnt do anything for her and theres no food in the house and shes always hungry and this and that...but truth be told...amanda is never here! I feel bad for mom, ya know? Shes trying her hardest...and dealing with the stress of this, and then she has amanda's shit to deal with...

I. Can. Not. Wait. To. Move. Out.

Work has been royally fucking with me...barely no hours and fucking me on my pay by a dollar per hour...sneaky fucks...

But i have a friend thats going to talked to her boss at her job to see if theyll give me a few hours a week bar tending or waitressing...That extra money would be ideal...and speed up the process of moving out...I HAVE to get out of here...ugh. 

And also...East Side might be opening again...and I'll totally work there again...I miss it all the time. I'm telling you, once you work at a bar or restaurant or whatever for an extended period of time, you wont want another job...because having money in your pocket every night is amazing...

And if youre any good at what you do...its a nice chunk of money...So please, to anyone whose reading this...keep me in your thoughts and prayers so i get one of those bar tending/waitressing jobs...even if its just a few nights a week...it'll be worth it. 

Oh, and i have a new phone number...I'm back in the 845 area code, finally...it's been almost 2 years since i have had a 845 area code...

And i need to find a red or black satin infinity scarf...I want one so bad....so if you know where i can get one...lemme know?

Thats enough out of me for today...

I am only in this for the fame, 

-J.C.

I Love...

...when i remember funny ass shit that i most certainly should have blogged about then i forgot to...and then i see a picture or hear a song...and the memory comes flooding back to me....and im like, oh shit!!! i should have blogged about that....

So i just saw a photo of someone that i was seeing for a minute, a long long time ago...on facebook...no names mentioned because this journal is now public...and i thought to myself of a memory that i have about him that fucking makes me laugh my ass off every time it passes my mind...

Here goes the sharing:

So, this one night, Guy and i we at a mutual friends house...listening to music, drinking...so on and so forth...and Guy drags me into the guest room where we were going to be sleeping...and wants to do naughty things...

So, i giggle and choke on my Captain Morgan tattoo & fruit punch and say...whaaat?

He then proceeds to rip off his pants...

and says...

Im ready when you are...

Ready was NOT the word...in fact...it was completely the opposite...

You know what pasta looks like when you take it out of boiling water...and it's done cooking...it's all floppy and cant stand up anymore because it's done and then you throw it on the ceiling to see if it sticks?

Thats what i was looking at.

I'm pretty sure...but i cant be positive because a fit of giggles over took me...but i THINK i said....umm, yeah, about that...

...and i walked out...still cracking up and choking on my tasty beverage choice of the evening...

WHO. DOES. THAT?!?!

To this day, i'll never know if he was serious or it was a joke on me...but that thing looked so pathetic and sad just hanging there...Ready!?!? Yeah, ok...

Alright, i am done picking on people...but I just had to get this out...and im legit laughing my ass off right now...

In stitches,

-J.C.

...And Then There Was The Rant...

Time is passing...and I feel like it doesnt want anything to do with me...

I'm sad...pacing...wringing my hands...and then clenching my fists against the side of my temples because I cant get this stupid fucking song out of my head. 

It echos, ya know...Pounding in my ears...I need to go running because that's usually all that helps me focus...the pounding of my Nike's on the black top and the way my breath comes out in it's cold steamy mist is what helps the best...I create my own rhythm...no one can see the tears that mix with my sweat when i am running...alone. 

The clock is still ticking...i'm sitting in the corner of my small room...rocking back and forth...counting carpet fibers...my head, thats slamming against the wall...keeps the beat of that song thats still pulsating through my brain...

My sanity is gone. Way past helping now...I'd wish for silence...but then i know, i would go deaf. 

tick tock. tick tock. tick tock. 

Moving in tandem with nothing, 

-J.C.