Onward Marching With Gray Clouds

Christmas came...and went...And as it passed through the homes of many bringing joy, excitement, new things...it brought an ending of a chapter in my life's story. 

I wrote a blog just after midnight on Christmas day...and no sooner was I done spilling my overly fuzzed out thoughts of perfection...my Grandma padded her way down the hall to my mom's room, and asked her to come quickly. Merely minutes after I posted my previous blog...my Grandpa had passed away from a massive heart attack whilst sleeping on the couch in the living room. While I was writing, my grandfather was dying. 

It was such an odd turn of events for my joyous christmas. 

But, when one chapter ends in my life...another always seems to begin directly after. I suppose that's the way it's supposed to play out though...when you read a book...doesn't it always work that way?

Christmas went as normal as possible after everyone returned home from Saint Luke's. We opened gifts and made dinner...

Adam was with me, through the whole thing...he held me when I cried, pet me until I fell asleep...Without him just being near me through this whole ordeal...I probably would have seriously lost it...and no running my fingers through my hair would have helped. He is seriously my savior...he's saved me from so much, that I couldnt even begin to tell you how grateful I really am. The bond that him and I share is so unlike anything I have ever experienced before. It's like he knows every tear before it falls. He knows when to touch me...he knows when to leave me alone...he knows exactly what to say to me and when to say it. 

He knows how much a simple touch of his hand can steady my own shaking ones. 

So, although Destiny has pulled a piece of my life away from me...it has also given me something so wonderful and pure and beautiful that I should drop to my knees and thank the Gods for leading me to him. My heart has never felt so full...so complete then it does right now. This is where I am planning to spend my forever...no matter what. My soul belongs entwined to his. When I look into his eyes and see him smile at me...every bad thing that has ever happened...every heartache I have ever felt...every tear that i have ever cried out of misery......it doesnt exist anymore...and all that matters is his presence. All that matters is that moment...and i can NOT wait to spend every moment, for the rest of my entire life, being with him, loving him, protecting him, and sharing myself with him...for as long as we both shall live.

I know a blog/journal entry isnt the best way to confess my undying devotion to you, Adam Edwards...but for me, it's easier to do so then it is to speak.

I promise, with everything I have, to always be by your side...through thick and thin...and I will do anything in my power to make sure that your life is full of happiness and love and never ending bliss...My heart belongs to you...every last beating inch of it. My body, my soul, my mind...everything that is me, belongs to you...and I can not tell you enough how greatly i love you. And i will love you, honor you and forever and always give myself to you...as long as there is breath in my body. Forever Faithfully, I am yours. 

I can't wait for our life to root itself...and we can watch it blossom as each day passes. 

I long for sleep. My eyes are screaming at me to shut them, so I suppose I will end this on that note. 

Loving without any doubts, 

-J.C.

A Christmas Message

It just turned Midnight...it is now officially Christmas Day and my heart is so full of fuzz and things that are wonderful, that if I were to explode, I would shoot out super amounts of love and it would be gross and disgusting but totally awesome at the same time!

But in all seriousness. This Christmas is feeling like it's the best one I have experienced by far. I am with my family for the first time in a few years...and I have an amazing boyfriend that's spending it with me also. My grandparents are up from North Carolina to spend Christmas with us...It feels so perfect.

I dont know what I would do if i was stuck in some other state by myself this year. I dont know why I always went searching for another place to be then the one place i was SUPPOSED to be. 

I know exactly where I belong...it just took a little bit to figure it out....damn those life lessons. 

So, I guess this is the part where I tell everyone what I am thankful for and all that jazz, like I always do around this time of year. 

But all that you need to know...that the one thing I am most thankful for is being right here, right now...with the people that are around me and the people that are going to share this amazing day with me. 

My heart is seriously full. 

I hope everyone has a great holiday...whether is be Yule...Christmas...or any of those other holidays that other people from a different faith celebrate around this time of the season. 

The message of Christmas is that the visible material world is bound to the invisible spiritual world.

Forever yours, 

-J.C.

Word Vomit

Tonight, I cried for the first time in a long time. I don't know if it was from the absolute terror of being alone or if it was because I have such high expectations of people and they always seem to fail me with their inferno fuck me eyes. 

I just want everything to be perfect. I don't want to fail at anything anymore...so what is it going to take? What is it going to take to prove to everyone that I'm not a disappointment...so I can make my mama proud...?

How many more men am I going to chase away because my idea of a relationship is completely different from theirs? Will I ever find complete and total happiness or will I always be stuck in this pattern of never ending disgust? What drastic measures must I take for people to notice me? 

I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a room filled with people, screaming at the top of my lungs and not one single person even glances my way. 

I'm not taking proper precautions to prevent explosive mood fluxes...And i don't care...it's better this way. Maybe I may finish writing my book. 

I can feel my entire world shifting...A brand new kind of gravity that's pulling me in all sorts of crazy directions...As if my whole body is changing. I wonder why...I wonder what it is that's making me have the same kind of dream every night...I like what they are telling me. I like it a lot... But I must remain silent about my pleasure of said dreams for the fear of disturbing someone. 

Maybe all I am is a disturbance to the balance of things. 

I have never wanted to fly as much as I do right now. Ever.

Everything is feeling unpleasant today...My abdomen is crampy, my stomach is nauseous and in knots, my back is sore, my shoulder is stiff...I wish something would just put me out of my misery...like they do to lame horses...bullet, right between the eyes. 

But I must not be selfish. I am going to attempt to not throw off the balance anymore. I won't be a burden any longer. 

I just need to sleep for a few years and wake up when the world needs me. 

Profoundly yours,

-J.C.

There Is Fire Blazing Inside Of Me

There has NEVER felt so much passion before...IN MY LIFE. 

I catch myself staring at you when you're not even looking at me. 

I catch myself staring even when you are looking at me. Looking into your eyes, reading you...feeling you burn my skin with those forever deep eyes. 

I can NOT imagine being without you...Not having you...You came at the most perfect time...

And like you said...Our connection is without a doubt strong. Bonding. Ever lasting. 

I feel as if you and I have been standing at each others sides for a lifetime...and you have only known me for less then 2 months. I feel as if I ask you something...I would know the answer even before my question has left my lips. As if you are inside of me...grasping my heart...reading my thoughts...preying on my soul..

But you can't prey upon something that belongs to you. 

When I close my eyes...I see things that dance in my memory...And I haven't said anything to you about it, because then, you may think i am strange...I see our entire life flash behind my eye lids. Moving into our first apartment together... I see the day we bind ourselves to each other. I see buying our first house and running through the empty rooms, hand in hand, laughing...I see our first child being born and placed into your arms as tears are streaming down your cheeks as you cry your happiness...I see us cutting the ribbon on our restaurant together...  I see us watching our children grow, learn and then leave us...and sitting side by side on a porch swing as we retell our stories from our wonderful, beautiful and perfect life.

I want to stay with you forever. I feel so sure about this. So 100% sure. No doubts. No second guessing. 

I guess all i need to know is....Will you, my darling, make me your wife? 

Make me proud to call myself yours. To share your every need, desire, regret and sorrow with me. To stand by me, through dark times and walk hand in hand through the light. To kiss every ache, soothe every pain and wipe away every tear. 

I love you...with every breath I have...with everything I have to offer. 

I can not wait...

Baring everything, 

-J.C.

I Bleed My Heart Out Just For You

The night is quiet and dark. There is a glow in this room, as the Christmas tree throws off its colors from the lights. I sit, alone...drowning in my own thoughts.

I have never been so petrified about anything, but at the same time...excited. I can not wait to see what the future holds for us. I don't want this to turn into another one of those awful things I am so used to...one of those things i dread when I open my eyes in the morning.

I bleed my heart out on this paper...For you....So you can see what I can't say. 

Tomorrow is like an unwritten fairy tale for us. 

But like all endings...They lived happily ever after. 

Promise me your forever. Promise me your love eternal. Promise me this is it. That our forever starts now. 

I want your promises. I want you to swear. I want you to never lie to me. Keep things from me. I want it all. 

May I please have it all? All the words of endearment? All the pleasures of having your life?

You make me feel like this joke I call my life is worth living.

You have given me something to live for. 

All for you,

-J.C.

Roses Bloom From The Frozen Ground

I have never felt so full of life as I have felt in the past few weeks. I've danced harder...laughed louder and loved fuller then I ever have. 

And I couldn't be any happier. 

I just feel like sometimes, my emotions scare people. The dedication and desire that I show is frightening...or maybe unbelievable. But I want you to know, there is NOTHING this world will throw at me that I wont fight through to keep you at my side. You mean everything to me. Everything. You show me the world through your brilliant eyes. You give me passion and devotion when you touch my skin and set it afire. When your lips graze mine...i fall to pieces. 

And i love every second of it. 

Please let our seconds turn into years. Many many moons. 

I dont think I have ever wanted anything as much as i do you. 

I give you my every breath.

Eternally your Goddess, 

-J.C.

Lost Before Dawn

The time has flown by so quickly and yet crawled. I dont know what exactly my head has been doing. New beginnings have happened...past whatevers dying hard. Its so hard to stay focused on one thing...I keep bouncing, looking for another pointless thing to consume my empty...swallow the void. 

But what IS the void? What is the something I need?

I know exactly what it is. But I dare not say it.  I dare not say aloud what it is i want so badly.

Sigh. 

All i hear is an organ right now...playing haunting but beautiful music. It's beckoning me to come dance...to strip off my long tattered and dirty dress and dance sky clad in the dark frosty night. The velvet sky that sparkles with diamonds smiles at me and the darkness is like an open mouth greeting me with absolute hunger. It yearns for me. For my warmth. My youth. For my anger.

Maybe I'll just sleep away my desires. The night can not have me this time.

Howling at the moon and fighting off the change, 

-J.C.

I Pray In My Heart That This Dream Never Ends

Silence once again.

Full of sadness as each day passes and I am left broken. 

I want nothing more then to fill my starry nights with more stars. 

To change the color in my eyes. 

I should just leave it alone and take it for what it's worth. 

But it's impossible to take something and hold it tightly. 

The wind always finds away to take it from me. 

Hidden in shadows, 

-J.C.

Familiar Breath Of My Old Life

I'll take this piece of you and hope for all eternity. 

Doors slam.

The ugly girl is in front of me. 

Dancing under a leafless tree. On the frosty grass. 

Reflections of a memory.

He knew each tear before it came.

I turn circles on my tip toes. 

The full moon is hung among the diamond encrusted sky, like a canvas on a crooked easel.

My breath comes out in clouds of steam, it tints my lips blue. 

My white gauze dress is falling around me in ribbons. 

There's nothing compared to the stars tonight. 

Time elapses, passing quicker then sand between my fingers, 

It's all written on my heart.

Chapter after chapter.

Story after story. 

Sonnets of something I tried to banish. 

Stay sleeping. 

Itching eyes. 

Pinned together with razor sharp dreams, like a quilt. 

But still i twirl and spin, dancing in front of you. 

My fingers are numb from the cold. 

Worthless over sick. 

Infected with selfishness. 

Perfecting every move. 

Fill the void that is inside of you with the empty that shapes me.

                                           
                                            I'll take this piece of you and hope for all eternity.

Suffocating, 

-J.C.

Conducting My Ballad With Seven Broken Strings.

Tonight, I fluttered through the fog of November and into the velvet sky. We kissed under the navy blue heavens as we parted ways once again. I felt perfectly safe and wonderful wrapped into your arms as you held me close to you...your fingers lost in my hair...my finger tips tracing small lines on your skin...I felt complete. And it hasnt been this way for many moons....

But....

I have one question and one question alone.

Where do you want this to go?

Floating upon the winds,

-J.C.

Strawberry Ice Cream

Its been 24 hours. Again, i'm left unable to breathe...unable to think straight. Feeling as if im bound and gagged. I dont know why these feelings are so strong. I have never felt so connected, so sure...about someone in my entire life. There has to be something wrong with me. I have to be broken. I dont do this. This isnt like me.
 

All i can think about...all i can see...is the way my golden white hair falls everywhere when im straddling him. The way his beautiful eyes pierce through me, as if he can see deep into my soul. The way his finger tips feel when they trace designs on me that practically sear themselves into my flesh. The way my lips burn when he leaves. The way my entire body erupted in fire when he was deep inside of me. But, most of all....those eyes. So full of life. So mysterious. So beautiful. And its as if he knows me already...as if our paths crossed in some other time period. Some other plane of existence.
 

As much as i hate the way i feel so, out of control, i dont want it to stop. I dont want him to take away the last shred of emotion that i didnt even know i had. Is this the way living is supposed to feel? Ripping, tearing, shredding, destroying, pulsating, sweating, needing, wanting, silken, inside, outside, everywhere. All at once. I dont even think i have words for this. Theres no explanation. No reasoning behind it.
 

He makes me want to fly. To be a better person. He makes me feel beautiful. Wanted. Desired.
 

I want him all to myself. To fold him up in a paisley decorated cloth and hide him in my pocket. I want to be able to tell him everything...every last deep dark haunting secret. I want him to call upon me when his road gets bumpy. I want nothing more then to have every ounce of his love, his adoration, his jealousy, his anger...everything. I want to be able to memorize every scar on his body. I want him to give me his whole self. 

I cant go one second without thinking about him...wondering what hes doing...hoping i'll get to see him before the sun sets on yet another fabulous day. I want him to forever trace hearts in the sky with me. To lay on the earthen floor and count the ways he adores me to the number of stars in the sky.

This has to be a dream. These kinds of feelings dont happen to me. I dont get this way. Why is this one so different? I need to know, and im not going to stop until i find out.

Weaving crowns of flowers, 

-J.C.

Fallen Victim To Encryption

I lay, almost incoherent as the time passes. Slowly. As if Father Time is parsimonious with his seconds. 

I have a secret to tell you as I wait for the clock to chime your arrival.

I didnt know what I was going to do with myself...Until you found me. 

Swept me off my feet and into your arms...I didnt know how many days i had left. 

I was wandering, alone and unheeded, through forest, thick and overgrown. 

No one to hear my calls. No one to see the tears I cried. No you to save me as I traveled deeper and more abysmally into oblivion.

And then you plucked me from the trees that i once thought were impenetrable. You brought me into the sunlight...it made my eyes sting and felt as if it was bleaching my skin. But at the same time, felt warm...safe...welcoming. 

All this time, and you were right in front of me. You were the beginning i was desiring for. 

You and you alone make me feel like I am alive.

-J.C.

A Letter

As i sit here, a lot of things are passing through my mind. There are so many things that i feel like i need to explain. Things that when i say them, might push you away from me. Things that may very well even frighten you, but i feel like they need be said.
My heart has never felt so full. Is it strange to feel so connected...so strong...about a person, even if you have only known them for such a short period of time? Some may say yes...some may say I am crazy...but until they have felt the strong gravitational pull of longing...then they have no idea what I am talking about. You may even think im crazy.
There was a moment...when we lay in bed, with your arm under my head...with your heart echoing in my ears... that i wanted to look into your beautiful eyes and tell you that it felt so right...so natural to be in that exact moment, at that exact time, with you. Im not exactly sure why...or how...but its a feeling. A deep rooted feeling that I cant just shake off. Something has been planted inside of me...and I dont know what to do. You left to go home...and I feel like I cant breathe...And i dont like the feeling of not being able to breathe.

This letter is probably too much, and im sure youll never ever read it, but if you did, im sure you would probably also call me crazy. But isnt it plausible to want to be with someone, even if you dont really know everything about them? I may not know your moms name or anything about your siblings, but i know how you feel when youre pressed against me. I know how your hand fits perfectly in mine. I know the way your lips feel when you match yours to mine. I know how your heart sounds as im tracing my finger tips along your skin.
These feelings i have are not normal for me. I dont let my guard down to anyone. I have a solid wall that i have stacked through the years to keep out any real emotion. So, what do I do when i have a strange emotion overpowering me? I write. Im so sorry if this is too much to even absorb. I just need you to know where i stand, right here...right now.
Its not that hard to love me. Its not that easy to forget me. I am the best thing thats ever happend to some people...and i want to be your best thing. I want to be your safe place away from reality. I want to be your cocoon youre wrapped in to protect you from the world.
 

I want to be your world.
 

Doesnt everyone just want to be happy in life? Doesnt everyone deserve a moment of undying, never ending, truthful bliss?
This isnt a marriage proposal or anything...this is me putting my feelings, my emotions, my entire heart out on the line. I am standing naked before you...getting ready to be judged...scorned...frowned upon.  You like spending time with me...you like the moments we share...so lets make more moments...lets make things more bright and beautiful. Lets dance together, for a long while. ...who knows what the future holds...a lot can happen in 3 years.
Lives can completely change and alter in just a day.
Maybe in time, you will get to read this. Maybe in 3 years. Maybe tomorrow...Probably never...but when or if you do...finish it...and start over again. Know that this is a good....great... thing that is being dangled before your beautiful eyes.
Please dont shun me. Please dont turn your back on me. Please, let brilliant things come from this letter. 

And  this is my letter to you.

-J.C.

Starving... From The Lack Of Your Eyes

There is nothing in this world that I want more right now, then to see you.

To have your piercing eyes looking at me, with such a fierceness that I quiver with lust.

How long has it been?

How long will it be?

How far will it go?

Is it possible to want it? All of it. Whatever "it" may be?

I may not know much about you...but I know how your heart sounds when it's beating on my cheek when we embrace.

I know how your eyes remind me of the sky on a hot summer day.

I have never second guessed myself and didn't involve myself with emotions.

But they are raging. Deep within me. I feel warm everywhere. Hot. Needing.

Where will this story go next?

Wanting everything,

-J.C.

Swirling In Circles Under The Stars

I had a dream of you. It surprised me and made me wish you could be nearer to me. 

I was sitting under a apple tree, my horse grazing nearby and i was bathing in the moonlight. The breeze caught my hair and made it dance on the wind. It smelled like apples, dead leaves and cinnamon. I heard horse hooves beating the earth...coming closer...faster...

Then you were there...pulling me to my feet and pressing me to you. 

Everything faded and we were in a ballroom. We danced, swirled in circles, our eyes never parting. Our own personal waltz. 

Again, everything fading, and you were sitting at a piano, candles were everywhere...making shadows dance across your face. You played for me...and i swooned. The room spun. 

I felt myself falling...the music overcoming me. 

You caught me, and dipped me low, pressing your lips to mine. 

And i awoke. Sweating and chest heaving. 

It felt so real.

Wishing with all my heart, 

-J.C.

Wishful Thinking, Vulgarian

So, I ran the first experiment I have done in awhile this past weekend, and the result was exactly what I had expected. 

Exactly. What. I. Expected.

Most men are foul, abhorrent creatures that completely pique me.

Here's what happened and I am sorry it's so long, but it's ridiculously hilarious:

So, Friday evening, I left my house early to get up to work so I can clean the makeup building out, again...And when I got there, Johnny was showing 2 new security personal around the grounds and through the attractions so they could start working that night. So I followed them through, pointing out all the little trap doors and such that they could sneak out of or into, if need be. After the tour was over, I resumed my position in the makeup building so I could start doing the makeup for our lovely Terrordome critters so we could start our show...after all, call is at 6PM. 

Halfway through the evening...Johnny comes into my building, (while we had a few minutes of down time) and asks to see my iPhone. I respond with, "Why?" like any normal person would...and he says, "Just lemme see it." So i hand it to him...and he starts adding a contact into my phone...and I say..."Whose that?" And he says, One of the new security guys...he asked me to do this." So, he proceeds to send a text message to him from my phone, and it reads, "Yo, its Jayme." And he hands me my phone, and leaves. 

So, I'm standing there like, Huh? And then my phone vibrates...and it's him and he says, "Wow, I'm really surprised Johnny did his job." 

Come to find out...he had asked Johnny to put his number in my phone...why? Well, you're about to find out. 

All night this kid is texting me. All sorts of stuff...like, what he likes to do, where he works, where he lives....this and that...normal conversation of two people who just met. So, later on in the evening...He starts saying things along the lines of..."We should be fuck buddies. It's been awhile for me, and you look like you could use it." And in response to that...i said "Huh?" 

The conversation progressed from there...and he made it very clear about how I'm "hot" and he wants to "get it in" but we have to "keep it a secret" and "be very discreet and act like we don't know each other at work." 

I dont know about you, but thats shady. Umm, everyone in my building knows Johnny put his number in my phone and knows I talk to him...so let's be more awkward and "...act like we dont know each other at work." So, all weekend he was on my ass about coming home with me, coming to my house in the AM for some "good morning fuck-age" and he kept saying things like, "Idc where or when, as long as i'm fucking."

Well, Mr. I Think I Know How These Games Work....You have another thing coming, because I invented this sport. 

So, he asked me about being married because of my marital status on Facebook...and I told him I wear a wedding band...blah blah...and he says to me, "You should wear it when I'm fucking you." and the only response I had to that was "Yeah?" And he says..."Yeah, as long as I'm fucking you."

Well, needless to say, I have been making up excuse after excuse about being occupied and/or busy and not being able to hook up...Because to be frank, I was and am completely and utterly disgusted by the fact that he would even have the nerve to pull something like this. I am your superior at work, you dumb shit!

So, any who...he was asking about coming over Sunday morning to, "Get it in." and Sunday morning rolls around and I "just got called into work, I'll hit you up later on." And I went back to sleep. I get up around 4, beings I didn't sleep well after work the prior night, start getting my Terrordome things together and I have a text message that reads..."times ticking...what are you waiting for." And all that's going through my head is...this guy won't give up until he gets what he is after!! 

But I ignored it anyway. 

Later on at work, I'm putting the actor's makeup on...and i hear something that makes me listen a little closer. Johnny is telling someone i work with.... the security guard wants him to give her his number. So Johnny proceeds to take her phone and put his number in it...And I think to myself...really? So, me trying to prove my point...I text him with the following..."Hey, I'm really sorry...work is killing me...but we'll get together sometime this week." A few seconds pass, and i get a reply. "I'm busy. Thanks anyway. Just friends." And i sent back..."Bwahahahaha, I kind of figured. And she has a boyfriend, so good luck with that." And I didnt get a reply after that.

OK, now here is the issue. This mother fucker WORKS with both of us. (pre-mentioned girl and I) Why the hell would he think he could just go around fucking every girl that would even look at him? Oh, I know why...because you're a ignorant meat head with the brain capacity of a dog drooling on a female in heat.  So, I let a mutual friend know what kind of games this cock sucker is playing, and to let other friend know before she makes a fool out of herself. 

See, I do this research and experimenting for the sake of all the women out there that have a guy like this buzzing around them like a fly over a pile of shit. Guys who think they are hot shit and can get whatever girl they show tiny spark of interest in. News flash...You are NOT all that. So here's a hint...Go to the gym, go tanning and go get your laundry done...because for some reason, you feel like your life is one big episode of The Jersey Fucking Shore. 

I wish I had a photo to post with this entry...So you could see how much of a philistine he is and have a good laugh about it....

What a complete sloven fool. 

Stopping douche bags in their tracks one by one, 

-J.C.

Start Bleeding... Stop Breathing

I long for something exciting. 

I want another adventure.

I need some relief.

Make me into what you need.

Cut into me and take out what you want.

Satisfy your greed. 

I am weak. 

I am crippled.

My body nothing more then a sheet in the breeze. 

Fragile. 

Consume me and make me complete. 

Let me please you.

Soothe the addiction. 

Welcome to the slaughter. 

It's your craving.

Bind. Torture. Kill. 

My blood...Your ecstasy.

My pain...Your fantasy.

On my knees, 

-J.C.

Un Fantasma Tra Noi

There is something missing. I have done nothing but sit alone for days and then endless nights. Pacing the hall, wearing ruts in the floor...carving out a trench with my walking. 

It's so cold outside and the sky hasn't been beautiful since the last time i saw your face. 

I don't know why i let things torture me like this. 

But it hurts. 

Like I have shards of glass running through my veins.

Why do people die when they look at me? When they taste my mouth...When their fingers get lost in my hair...

My ears are ringing. They have been since last week. I wish for silence, and then I go deaf. 

No one will answer my calls...No one wants to hear from the mute, dirty little girl. They have moved onto bigger and better...

There is nothing left to be curious about...And i broke my promise...

I feel like I will always remain alone.

Swallowing the whirls of dust into my mouth,

-J.C.

More Concerned With The Temporary Pleasures Of This World

Its been a week...of silence...Its pulling me under...drowning in quicksand.

The bruises you left on my chest have faded. 

But the scars are still there.

The pressure around my throat is missed.

My face is sullen.

Showing the neglect.

Chanting into the wind.

Singing about vivid transparencies.

I miss the abuse. If abuse it what you can call wanted pain.

Dance the night away because tomorrow we will look back and talk about good times now gone forever.

Chasing endless pipe dreams,
-J.C 

Where I Belong...

So, I havent actually written a legit journal entry, so i guess thats what this one will be. 

TerrorDome started again, and It is exactly where i belong...I can not believe i missed last season, and it feels so natural, so right being back. Ive missed it so much. 

But meanwhile...I have been getting more and more irritated with people. I don't like being ignored. I shouldn't be ignored. I shouldn't have to feel like I did something wrong. Its not fair, and i hate every second of it. It feels like im going slightly crazy...like, i just look for a reason to be upset. 

I just want things to be normal. 

A normal job.

My own place where i can have a garden.

A happy relationship that made me excited. 

When will happiness find me?

Swallowing cobwebs,
-J.C.

My Mouth Is Like A Grenade

As I raise my head towards the heavens...
to take one last look at the moon...

the stars begin to fall.

Its rained for 5 days straight...All gray and gloomy and I feel white washed...

Biting my tongue until it bleeds...I am getting bored. 

Sitting in one place, counting the floor tiles...over and over and over...

Sometimes getting the same number...then starting over. 

I need something to break the redundancy. 

Maybe I'll count the fibers in the carpet.

Sitting crossed legged in front of the fire...letting it blister my skin.

Like the sun used to do as I sat on the beach...letting the sun tan and the salt water bleach out my hair.

The sky is red tonight...It moves streaming with rain that beats the pavement. 

Sounding like the military movement of left, right, left, right...

I'll shut my eyes to remember the symphonies...the orchestra of these storms.
I am surprised to find myself running in the cold drops...the tears from Valhalla. 

I feel them wash over my fragile body...Letting them mat my hair to my face.

I think they took away my voice.

Silently turning to ash,
-J.C.

Puppets Dance Along

Another night...Passing along. Alone and freezing cold. 

I can see my breath in the middle of the room that's spinning around me. 

I looked up at the sky tonight, and saw stars...and traced hearts in the sky by myself. 

Then cried.

Wept for what I wanted there to be...what there never was...what will never be.

I can't breathe.

I just want this to be over....let time erase everything I had to give...everything you never wanted.

You hurt me.

Bandaging old wounds,
-J.C.

She Comes On Like A Crippled Play Thing

Something is quivering inside...like a seed has been planted. It's rooted itself.

Festering inside a make believe womb.

But I wont believe it until I see it. 

It runs through my blood...highly toxic...I have infected you with my poison...

And for that, I owe you life. 

I can feel drums mimicking my heartbeat...echoing inside my hollow skull. 

Nothing seems right. Nothing seems sacred anymore, fore you have violated me.

Rocking to the beat, pulsating to the rhythm...every corpuscle throbbing with wonder.

If it takes breaking me down to nothing to fix me...do it...break me.

Beat me, hurt me, lie to me, make it bleed. 

Rip me up until you're satisfied with the mess you'll leave me as.

I never want it to stop...

I love these bruises.

I love the torn flesh. 

I love the whimpers I make when you rake your nails down my damp thigh.

I love the way the tears sting my eyes.

I have never felt this good...sober.

Take what you need...

I want you to strip me to the bone.

And then gnaw on those and take your fill. 

I have everything and nothing to give at the same time.

And please, take it all. 

 

Die Öffnung meiner ganzen Seele

-J.C.

Birthday Massacre

Another year has flown by. Yet again, the cycle continues to spin...and I feel like I am in the same place i was last year...metaphorically of course...

I wish i was in a different place then i was this time last year...but i'm not. Im still floundering and digging for something that I feel like will never come....and the harder i push for it, the farther away it seems. 

Is there something wrong with me? Am i that difficult to be around? I keep saying...I'll give this one more shot...but yet, every time i try it one more time...it fails....miserably. I feel like, I can just already call the outcome and save myself the fuck you at the end of it. Nothing survives. 

I am so fucking turned around...displaced...and ridiculously sober...and i fucking hate it. 

The quiet is scaring me because it screams the truth....im alone. 

You are by yourself and you are nothing. 

How much longer do walk this thorn covered path that is my life? It's digging itself in...deep, tearing apart my flesh. 

Wounds reveal who we are.

No, they make you weak. 

Am I weak? Is the world my chew toy? 

The world fucking hates you.

Im so much more then meets the eye.

Then they must be blind.

Break me.

You have already been broken.

Happy 24th birthday to me.

Goodnight,

-J.C.

Welcome....

......to The Elsewhere...

my land of fantasy...

throw away all your clothes and come out from behind your darkest little fears...

Welcome to The Elsewhere...

I'm so glad you come...to my land of fantasy...

 Lets Propose A Toast.

Cheers,

-J.C.

I Arose And Devoured The Sun And The Moon

The night was wet and so dark like the way the ocean looks at twilight. 

Swirling and eerie. 

I let myself fall into it's abyss and sunk deep into it. 

Falling. Falling. Falling. 

Fell. 

Hard. 

My head is swirling, spinning out of control with the thoughts that are filtering through.

Disgusting, dangerous and daring thoughts. 

Things I want to explore. Taste. Touch. Tantalize.

Violate. 

Rip apart. Tear through...

Let me stay inside.

Wrapped inside your rib cage.

Dancing only for you,
-J.C.

Like The Rising Tide...Beating Hearts Grow But Never Die

It's pouring outside. I can hear it clinking off my window, as I lay in my bed...pondering what day break will bring for me. 

As time drags on...I long for sleep to over take me...pull me under it's cloak...wrap me in it's fog. 

Nothing feels real right now. It's like were in a dream...and we are waltzing under a maple tree that's shedding it's red and gold leaves, I'm singing for you...

"Just say that you'll be with me. Just say that you'll be there. Just say that you'll be by my side...When the storm subsides"

The rain fills the quiet of my bedroom...it's almost haunting. There is so much on my mind. Echoing inside. 

The sky is dark tonight...stars are barely visible through the clouds of this Autumn rain. It feels like there is change under foot...Change that should have happened many moons ago. 

May the Gods watch over me on this journey...this new adventure. 

I rest my eyes...my head...and go back to the dream...

Waltzing, hand in hand...under an apple tree now...with red, shiny apples all around us...glistening in tomorrow's sunlight. There is a chorus singing...and an orchestra with broken strings playing for us...

Lets wake the world and deities loom nearby to watch our power grow...I won't let these walls over take us. Not tonight...not on such a beautiful cold, rainy night. I found this in my skies. 

Destroying the silence,

-J.C

You Could... If You Wanted To...

I could be your night terror...making you gasp for air in the middle of the night.

You could be the one under me, begging me to take every pulsating inch of you deep into my body.

You could trace your teeth along my throat...feeling the blood pulsate. And then take a bite out of me...

My mouth wouldn't open at the point of climax...my teeth clench and I bare them in response to the pleasure.

So you could see that...

You could see the way my golden hair falls across my moist red lips...

You could feel the way I arch myself against you, grinding against you, welcoming you in deeper...with a hunger so fierce I would cry. You would hear my sultry voice, against your ears, begging..."Take me. Make it hurt."

I want you to read me Whitman's and Shakespeare's and Milton's words...fill my head with them so it's swirling...and I am swooning....

You could taste my lips upon yours, ever so gentle...then fiercely parting them...inviting yourself in...

You wont have to imagine. You could...If you wanted to.

Spiraling in this continuum,

-J.C

Only The Most Sacred Crater Will Suit My Burial

Tonight, I am home....the lonely night fills my insides with more empty.... I sat under the marbled sky until the late September air chilled me through...and wondered....

How far will I walk before I find something worth sticking with?

Not something...I need to stop thinking that they are all objects and maybe start referring to them as people...humans...with emotions. 

Nahhhhhh.

Maybe, after all, I am nothing more then a succubus that survives off of the energy of men. Is it possible that I am the kind of woman that will never find true love because I am too worried about feeding from lovers? Do I just lie beneath them to fill my aching body? To calm the rumble in my stomach? To quiet the storm in my loins? Do I continue to place these play things under me to dominate and control...even if it's just for a minute...so I can feel the power?  To feel the rush of energy passing between our hot, quivering bodies?

Maybe, I demand such attention...and I have such urgent needs because I can't control the Goddess inside of me. I can't control my own power that radiates deep within. 

I am overwhelming...to most people...

Something may be brewing...I may have found a counter part to tread the waters of primal desires with me. Maybe.

We. Shall. See. 

You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.

-J.C