Friday, August 26, 2011

No Time For Hesitation

Everything has been on fire...Everything is burning around me...Turning to ashes and barely smoldering. Why can't I need myself anymore? Why does it feel like there isn't anything under my feet...? It feels like....when you're walking down stairs in the dark, and you forget there is a last step...and you get that feeling of tumbling...falling...It may seem like forever before you actually hit the floor and then its over...But i dont feel like this falling feeling is going to fade away any time soon...

And that destroys me. 

I just want some silence...I want to be able to go home...but where is home and how do I get there? Where do I belong? Where is my place? Why do I feel like I'm not wanted? Is it all true? Am I just as hated, worthless, weak, and ugly as they always told me? As everything makes me feel. 

Why do these ghosts haunt me so bad? Why do they eat away at me? They rip and tear and shred my soul. How much more are they going to turn my flesh to ribbons before I don't have anything left to make a mess? I'm sitting alone. Again....I only have my own thoughts...I only have The Elsewhere...which even that has been cold...Im starting to see all my beautiful roses wither there....the summer has ended....I wish I could make it eternal....but with all the rain thats been coming down inside my head....everything is rotting.....too much water.

The things I thought i put behind me have resurfaced....Is it because of all the water bringing things up? Kind of how coffins will float to the top of the earth if there is a flood? 

How much more can I take? How much can I stand? Im supposed to be strong...powerful....I used to be a Goddess....I am supposed to be a Daughter of the Moon....Where is my strength?

I am slowly being by day....I am being slowly murdered. 

Who is going to save me this time? Because, somehow, I have forgotten how to swim...

Feeling lost at sea, 

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Severe Thunderstorms

Theres been rain storm after rainstorm... rumbles of thunder, one after the next...streaks of lightening constantly littering the sky. 

Thats how my soul feels today. I am so full of rage...uncertainty. Like these storms. My hands wont stop heart keeps pounding. I have been sick, over and over much, my face is blotchy. I am so overwhelmed...Sad, angry, scared...I am full of doubt. My breathing is shallow. 

I feel like I have everything is being ripped out from my body. When my heart gets ripped out, I'll mail it to a lime green box. Then I will be as empty as I feel.

My head is in an uproar...Swirling with pain. I have a migraine so fierce that I cant see out of my right eye. Its completely blind.

I am so angry that I want to break things, just so I can hear glass shatter. Just so I can rip and tear and create absolute chaos, so I can maybe attempt to be calm. Would it even help?

I dont want to lose him. But if I do, it might be alright, because I would rather be completely hated then not loved. At least there would be some sort of emotion. Hate is stronger then love anyway. 

I think I am going to be sick again.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Another Circle

This morning, I found out some news that kind of shook my world. A friend that I hung out with in High School passed away last night. It wasn't the kind of shaking that I felt when Robert passed away but I was still in utter shock when I heard the news. 

When Robert passed away, I was almost 19...I was so absolutely devastated...I remember being so upset at the wake, that CJ kept handing me a flask with blackhause in it to calm me down. He told me that everyone needed me to stay strong...that crying wasnt supposed to happen at wakes. He said that when people saw me cry, they would cry too because i was crying from my soul. He told me to close my eyes and I would feel better. I remember almost falling to my knees at the funeral because I was too weak to stand up. Shana and Chris kept me steady.  They held my hands. They let me sing as loud as i could at the top of my lungs on the way there because they knew it would keep my mind off of things. They let me cry. Sweet moon, I miss much.

I still catch myself picking up the phone to call Grandma Dee. I started dialing her number the day after Adam proposed to me...and then felt sick to my stomach because it was like....I forgot. Its been what? Four years? Four years and I still want to call her and talk to her. I would love to hear her laugh, just once more. 

On days like today, it makes me stop...take a deep breath...and hold close all my loved ones. That is why I live for the moment...why I make each day count...why i document all of my emotions...because you never know. In the blink of an eye...someone could be gone. In a car accident, a motorcycle accident...or just slipping away in their sleep...You just never know.

What would I do if i lost Adam? Or my Sister? Or my Mama or Garrett? What if Shana wasnt here anymore? I would crumble up into a ball. A useless piece of nothing. I wouldnt sing or write. I wouldnt paint or dance. 

Live for your today. Hug the people you love...Tell them how much they mean to you...Even if you are fighting with them or angry with them for some reason...

People get angry with me because I try to do things that way. I want to just hold you and kiss you...i want to listen to your heart beat. I want to spend time laughing. There is nothing more important then being around the people you love. NOTHING. Because, like i said....You just never know. 

I could be gone tomorrow. 

Having another taste of mortality, 

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Into The Dark

You came to me during the peak of the storm. The lightening streaked across your face as you pulled me toward you to make me lay beneath you. I saw blood in your eyes. But with each nip of your teeth to my skin, you assure me....

I wont hurt you.

The playful nibbles turned into mouth fulls of flesh, almost puncturing through...but just raising blood to the surface. Instant bruises. The pain bringing a half moan half scream to my lips. Your hand instantly covers my mouth. 

I wont hurt you. 

You ease your body into mine...and with each thrust, i become more and more dizzy to your needs. Your desires. Your blood lust. 

A growl comes from deep within your throat.

I am pinned to the bed by my wrists as you have your way with me. Taking your fill. My entire body is on fire...

I love you. 

And before I can reciprocate my affections for entire world is covered with a pillow...faster and faster you thrust...
My nails dig into your back and I flail, trying to break free. My screams of terror are drowned out by the thunder. 

I can feel myself going throat raw from my pleas to let me go. 

I cant breathe. Im dizzy. Im dying. 

You release yourself into me...

I wont hurt you.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Temporary Covering

I am still so sick. I dont know whether its my allergies or i actually have a cold or something...but whatever it is, it SUCKS and i HATE it. I cant breathe or taste anything. I have been through an entire box of tissues already and a whole container of Excedrin because the pressure on my sinuses are making my daily migraines a billion times worse. Ugh. I cant stand being sick. Especially in the summer. If it was fall or winter, it would be kind of expected to get a cold...but in August? Thats fucking stupid.

Speaking about fall...I cant wait for it to get here. I feel like summer is already done and over...I was hoping to get to go to the beach one more time on a really hot day...but there hasnt been any beach trips planned and there wont be, and the days havent been as hot as i like them to spend the day at the beach. Summer might as well just be over...and it is time to kick off another beautiful NY Autumn and of course, Terrordome!!

Its been raining a lot...past few days have been thunder storms back to back...and even though I love thunder storms...I was actually thrilled that today, on my day off, i got to sit outside in the sun for a little bit. Maybe it will make me feel a little better...I just hope tomorrow i dont feel as shitty as i did today. I didnt even want to do my laundry, even though i probably should have. I didnt want to do shit...except sit in the sun and complain about being sick... Hahahaha. 

I have been slacking on video blogs, again, and I apologize. I just havent been in the mood to talk about anything...or rather, nothing has been happening that i want to talk about. Hopefully, as more starts to happen in my life, my Vlogs and journal entries wont be so damn boring. I guess as I start to do more stuff, like, when Terrordome picks up, there will be some more to talk about...and more to show you. 

Anyway, Im going to get some sleep because I feel like shit and I have to work's only 6 hours tomorrow, but with the way I am feeling now, its going to feel like the day is dragging on and on and on....bah. 

Sweet dreams...and I'll meet you in the Elsewhere tonight.

Monday, August 8, 2011

A Trapeze Superstar

I dance on the floor before being lifted high into the air on my trapeze.

Swinging back and forth like a pendulum...gradually picking up speed before I am able to flip and tumble in the air.

No fear. No worries. Barely even breathing. 

Why is it so easy to go back and forth without holding onto a single thing? Everything is  blur beneath me. 

My sequined costume reflects the purple and red lights which swirl around me. 

I dont know which side i like better.

If i was to fall, would i be caught or would i plummet to the earth with no safety one to catch me. 

I need to make a choice.

Do i come down from my roost or do i continue swaying to the beats of unwritten songs?

Until next time, 

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


There is so much on my mind tonight...but yet, for some reason, nothing wants to come out. I feel like I am losing my voice again. I am just alone...ignored...and so so sad. 

Everyone keeps saying that things cant get any worse...that I'll have everything i dream because I deserve it...that everything will be ok...

But, after all this time, nothing seems to be changing. Just more disappointment. 

I used to drive past this house on my way home from was for was beautiful and wonderful...and it was under 200,000...the last time i was $199,900...which was only about a week ago.
The other day...The for sale sign was gone and there was a maroon SUV in the drive way. Some other people moved into the house I fantasized about. It just about broke my heart...and then i remembered...That house wasn't even an option...I just had to be reminded...

Just had to wake up from that dream. 

I am so tired of feeling like I am sitting at a dead end road and there isnt anything I can do. 

And to make it worse...even though blogging always makes me feel a tiny bit better...I am so afraid I am going to get told that all i do is bitch about things that dont even matter. 

But it does matters to me. 

I saw another person from high school's facebook today...And they are having a baby. They had a beautiful wedding...the kind of wedding i am dreaming of...they have a house, with a white picket fence and gardens...and now they have a baby on the way to complete their happily ever after. And she doesnt even work....How is that even possible!? How can someone who works for nothing have everything?

Jealous? Yes, I am...I am absolutely GREEN with envy. Sigh. 

Days like today...I just want to be held...Have someone tell me everything will be alright...even if it is a lie. Just lie to me, So i can get through another day. I guess I will go to bed. 

I just crave to sleep all the time...When i am sleeping, it doesnt hurt. When I am sleeping, everything is alright. When i am sleeping, I live in a beautiful house,  Adam and I are married...and I am never alone. Never wanting, needing...pleading for attention. 

Until the storm subsides, 

Monday, August 1, 2011

How Beautiful You Really Are To Me

I sigh deeply as the night around me shifts. Its pouring...soaking my clothes...the rain streaks my makeup down my cheeks...

My blood red lips curl into a smile. 

Even though I am shivering from the cold, I have never been warmer. 

My heart beats, echoing against the thunder in the distance. 

As I hold my breath, I close my eyes and I can feel your hands on my face...your lips on mine. 

The drops on my face...they are warm...not rain...tears...

But i dont cry from being sad. I cry from having someone finally love me completely. 

For the first time in my life...the person who touches me actually loves me....

"There you are, sitting in the garden...Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar...You called me sugar"

Everything tastes sweeter when the taste of your lips still lingers on mine. 

Goodnight, sweet prince....Wherever you lay your head on this storm laced evening...May your dreams be of me. 

Answering to the night,