Monday, March 28, 2011

I Sat On The Beach Yesterday

 The sky is murky and gray. Clouds ease their way into the path of the sun. I'm standing on the shore, alone. My feet encrusted in golden sand. 
The water is almost black, and it washes onto the sand, raking over the broken shells, the dead crabs and one single white feather. This used to be a place where i made a sanctuary and found release. My escape. Now its As if the waves not only washed over shells, but my past ghosts as well. 


Everything on the ground is tide washed and rippled in sodden sand along the beach. Beyond me the wavelets are breaking on the sand along the shore. 

Behind me, my wandering trail is blurred and indistinct, as the water's edge advances and recedes along the beach. My skirt catches itself on the breeze and flutters and bounces around my knees like a seagull catching its first draft and hovering through the air. The waves are whispering and so tenderly the light dances in frenzied lines, looking like serpents waltzing under the water. 

Today the sky parades phoenixes in the clouds. I am finally feeling life run through my veins.  

My hair smells like the ocean,

Monday, March 21, 2011

Time To Crash Into The Sun

It's been some time since I had anything to say. Ive missed writing...but no matter how much I try, i cant just wash away the desire...the urge...the Need to write. 
Yesterday, I saw the world around me for the first time in many years. And it was even better then the last time i was able to see. More colors...brighter...beautiful.

I want to dance so bad. I feel this surge of excellence vibrating through out something big is about to be born...something huge...I'm not exactly sure when it will happen...but I know it's going to...I can feel it.

There is a storm a-brewing. 

Im always right about certain things. 

Biting the bit,

Sunday, March 13, 2011

I Have Never...

...Felt like such a fucking idiot in my entire life, like i do right now. I have friends that continuously lie to me...hide shit from me...and think they can pull the wool over my eyes... Well, news way or another, i'll fucking find out...I am so sick of people that it isnt even fucking funny. They tell me one story, someone else something else, and so on and so forth...get your fucking shit straight, you inconsiderate fuck! I am beyond pissed off right now...Like, to the point where its hard to type because my hands are shaking so fucking bad. I want to smack the shit out of someone or knock their teeth out of their head. 

I dont deserve to be lied to...I have ALWAYS been a good friend...never once lying to them, keeping secrets or sneaking around talking shit. If you have something to say...fucking say it to me...and make sure its the truth, the whole truth and nothing BUT the fucking help you. 

Why do people insist on causing turmoil in friendships? Why is it SOOO difficult to just be honest? How are you going to play these games and expect me to just sit back and allow it to happen? Who do you think I am? A fucking push over?? Someone who isnt going to mind that you lie to me??? Someone who is weak and naive and stupid????

Dude, fuck you...if you think ANY of dont know me...and nor do you deserve to ever be a part of my life ever again. 

When i confront you with all of this shit...and if you lie to me...You will lose the privilege of even knowing i fucking exist...

You made this curl up in it and enjoy your mess. 

With hands shaking and feet pacing, 

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Balance Isnt My Forte

Maybe im just blind to everything around me. Maybe i am just deaf to the things people say. Maybe i cant speak when im spoken that ever happens. Im just so broken. Everything about me is fractured.

I would still much rather dance in the cold March rain. Nude. Showing everything to everyone. Judge me. I dare you.

I dont feel right. Empty. Like,if you whispered your sweet nothings in my ear, you would get a hollow echo in return.

I feel like i am waiting for something, and im not sure what exactly it is...spring? The sunshine? The birth of some new beginning? I hate waiting. Its torture to me.

I think ive been too calm...almost to the point of uncaring...too mellow...too silent...too hush hush.  
Im too complicated sometimes. The mind of a tormented artist...yup, me, right now.

I just refuse to set in my ways, and anything that gets in my way...i'll require YOU to bend....bend until you break.

I will continue trying to walk this tight rope for you...dancing in my sequined outfit...toes pointed...eyes forward...umbrella clasped in my right palm...delicate...

Back off. I'll manage to fall on my own...after all, Balance isnt my cup of tea. Im clumsy...forgetful...accident prone...a walking disaster...

But in'll find my beauty...somehow,'ll see i was only put here to turn your dreams to dust...

Im nothing more then a mimic of something from your past...i promise i'll make it hurt.

Nothing will ever stop me. Nothing dares step into my path...

Im never going to dance again,

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Honesty, In A Nutshell.

Tonight I cried. 

My tears fell and i didnt wipe them away because the way they stung my cheeks felt good. They came in shoulders shook...they matted my hair...i wrung my hands in desperation. 
I sat for about a hour and let them pour out of me. Then it turned to sobbing...I lay in my bed, fetal position, clutching a giraffe plushy...I smelled roses. And the waterfall of tears began again. 

Why is this so hard for me? Being something amazing...something perfect...

As I moved from my bed to the floor, my hysterics gave me hiccups. I dragged myself to the corner, leaned my back against the wall and rocked...and hiccuped...I felt like i was losing everything. Like I had just spit in my best friends face. No matter what I give, it is never ever enough...I can give someone every inch of myself...and they laugh at me. I can open my soul...and they turn away to find something different...better. 

I dont want to be the selfish little girl that I used to be so many years ago when all i did was pray to have a new life. I just want everything to be perfect...beautiful. Happy. 

Whats wrong with me? There has to be something wrong with me...

I can smell roses again...

Destroying innocence, 

Sunday, March 6, 2011

The Air Is Thick Tonight

Shh. You hear that? Its one of the best sounds I think exists. Silence, except for rain clinking off of my window pane. I love this. The way it sounds. The way it feels. The way it grabs me by my emotions and swirls them around in the mud it creates. 

Then the silence is drowned out by some music thats on my iPod...and thats helps me focus. 
All day, while at work, I kept thinking i just wanted to get home so i could sit in my room and write...i needed to write all day...there's been something just gnawing at me...maybe it's the weather today, or the way my coffee tasted, or maybe it was the way my cigarette smoke filled my lungs. I'm not sure what it was...but the thought of just sitting here writing appealed to me beyond belief today.

The past few days, I have been mentally I just been seeing haze...aggravated red haze...sometimes purple confused haze...but disconnected none the less. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I am starting to lose myself. It's like this state of mind is eating away at me and i can't seem to shake the shit off. But if you think about it, you have to have yourself before you can lose it, right? There has to be some sort of substance before you can misplace it. my thoughts were my keys. 


Ya know, most artistic people are troubled, or so I hear...but more so then none, i find myself drowning in thoughts and images that for some reason, i cant, or shouldnt, jot down to share...most of my thoughts are my own...I keep heart is an ocean of secrets. 

Blah. Ramblage. 

I just want to go dance in the rain...but it's cold cold. I'd rather not have my pretty bow shaped lips turn blue tonight. Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow. Probably not. But maybe. 

I had a dream the other night, and when i woke up, it made me stop and think that maybe I was born in the wrong era. I should have been born in a time where people went naked all the time... So i could go out sky clad and not be shamed for it. 

Just saying. 

I guess thats enough blah de blah from my mouth this evening. 

Pricking the thick air with my razor sharp literature,