Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Digging Deep Into The Elsewhere

Past few days, I have felt so open. Like there is something that is inside of me saying, "Wake up,'s here." 
What exactly IT is, is something that I cant answer fully. I just know that theres a gnawing inside of me that needs me to pay attention. 


Maybe its my longing for a move. I want out of here so bad. I know where I am wanted. I know where I want to be. I am not land locked and holding onto something that I know will never amount to anything. I feel like, without some drastic changes, life will always be at a stand still. I just want great things. I want to be happy. I want to feel like I belong. And I dont feel like that here...This place sucks me so dry. I just want change. I want new. I want pretty. I want.....warm.

My soul is screaming to get where it wants to be. My heart is literally beating out of my chest with anticipation and longing. What do I do now? Do i make choices on my own and never look back? Do I try to talk some sense into them? Do I just chew the bitter pill thats in my mouth and keep living this fake fucking life? Do I keep trying to rake the leaves out of my throat, only to be forced to swallow more?

 I cant live this way. I have dreams. I need to make these dreams happen....I need to live life the way I know it should be lived. 

I hate having all of this in my head. I hate feeling like I cant even talk about how the emotions inside of me are swirling and spiraling, full of colors and rage and sadness. When I close my eyes, all i see is reds, purples...a little bit of gold. It doesnt feel right and sometimes I feel more sick to my stomach then anything...I am NOT this weak person that I feel like I have been. I am strong, like stone. I am loud...I am opinionated....I am a Goddess. Why cant i just do what my heart is begging me to do? 
 I know what I have to do. I know. 

But why is it so fucking hard. 

I need to stand my ground. I need to just walk forward...NO turning back....I have to stop hiding the truth from everyone. 

I need to stand outside. I need to feel the cold May rain on my face...I need to feel the wind in my hair. I need to feel the ground beneath my feet...I have to face this. I need the earth around me to feel alive.

Just close your eyes, J...Hold on tight...the world will stop spinning if you plant your feet firm. 

I can make it. Ive done this before. I know the script. I know how this works. I know who I need to smile to... I know who can make me feel alive. I know how to breathe....

But for some reason...I am barely bringing any oxygen into my lungs. Ive felt like I have been suffocating for the past 9 days. 

I feel like I create this huge light around me. I feel like I emit this radiation of passion, love...devotion. But I have been searching for my own light...

...I feel like I am losing my magic...

Maybe thats what it feels like when your heart is nothing but dry kindling, waiting to be set afire. 

Maybe this is what it feels like to be bleeding from the inside out.
Maybe this is what it feels like to die.
Maybe this is what it feels like to have lost your light. 
Maybe...there is nothing left for me anywhere...maybe I am tapped out of life.

Have I done something wrong that I was cursed to have so much passion inside of me? Sometimes, I hate it. I hate being forced to see everything around me the way that I do.

Let me fly. Please. I beg you. Please. If you never ever listen to anything I ever say...please listen to this. I hurt inside...I hurt so bad that the water becomes more and more inviting. The silence of the final wave crashing over me might soothe my migraines. Please. Please.

Screaming for release,