I Starve For A Balance Unknown

Here, another morning, sitting at the laptop  having coffee....Pandora is playing....and I feel like shit. Not really sure what eats away at me today....probably the same thing that destroys me a little bit more every single day. 

I have this feeling deep within my chest that is screaming...."RUN, J.....RUN AWAY!" I feel it pounding and clawing for me to listen. But there is something that stops me from keeping on driving when I am on my way to work. Maybe its the guilt? Maybe its the fact that I have a half a tank of gas and a hundred dollars in my bank account? Maybe its because I really do want to fix what is broken in my home?

Maybe this cant be fixed because you dont want to. I really want to stop trying so hard. I want to let go of everything that I have been doing because nothing is going to fix this shit if I am the only one working for it. This isn't fair and I am wasting my energy. I am wasting my youth. We are losing out on the most precious years of our life because you're in such a pathetic conundrum....Just let it go and wake up! Move forward with REAL life....no more silly child games and dreams....your life and reality is right in front of your eyes and you're letting it waste away on something that will NEVER happen. THAT is NOT obtainable. So how about you work toward what is..........

I dont want to be on my knees screaming for you anymore. 

Nor should I have to. 

I really wonder what it would be like to have to start over. I will be 28 in two months. Is it hard to start all over with life after you have sunk straight to the bottom?? Will I ever trust anyone ever again? 

I just feel like I am waiting around all by myself. How did I become so broken all over again? How did this happen??? I thought I was living my fairy tale..... 

I was glued back together. Piece my fragile piece...every splinter of porcelain was painstakingly pieced back together. 

My amber eyes were the hardest to fix.....my blood red lips were permanently in a slight frown.....and I was whole for a short time. 

Now I am desperately trying to find every tiny sliver of glass to fix myself again..... 

 It isn't looking very promising. So many dreams were broken and so much was sacrificed.

God......save me.

Will all our sins be justified?

-J.C.

She Rules Until The End Of Time

The rain came in sheets as he told her he needed her. She fell a thousand feet from Asgard and came crashing down into something she didn't know how to fix. The lightening danced across the sky in a rush of silver which resembled thorned and gnarled branches.

"Close your eyes." He whispered. 

Shaking like a lone leaf on a tree, she did as he commanded and closed her amber eyes to the safety of her vision. His hands brushed across her bare shoulders. They were warm compared to the cold rain saturating her skin. His fingers traveled up her the side of her throat before he pressed his lips to it as well. Her knees buckled.

"Stay still for me." He demanded in a husky voice that oozed like sticky hot sugar. She placed her hands to her sides and held her body stiff, as he asked. She listened to the storm around her and the heavy words and sweet breath of this capture who was drinking her in. This would only last another moment and she knew it. He was breaking.

"I am nothing standing before you asking for you to take me into your soul. You are the only thing that can settle the pain and the rage inside of me."

For the first time, she felt air in her lungs. Now was the time to tell him the truth.

Do you not know who I am?" she asked. 

Opening her eyes she turned to look at him. 

"Drop to your knees and show me that you need me. I am a Goddess. Let me give you life. But please know, I can take it also."

Electric pulses went through her body as she touched his cheek, sharing the sensation of divinity with him, which brought him to her knees where he sat clinging to her long skirts. She saw his bloody knuckles and the dirt beneath his nails. She saw the torture in those brilliant eyes. More grey then blue at that moment. The rain and tears had streaked his face and left dirty lines.

"My Goddess, how can you hold on with the wind so strong? How do you fight this storm?" He pleaded. "I need help. I do not want to fight anymore with no reward."

She saw tears swell in those forever eyes. 

The lightening continued to crash and strike all around them. The wind tossing her long locks around her causing to have, what seemed like, a golden halo.

She parted her cherry stained lips to speak......

"I can not control others destinies or write your path for you. I am nothing more then a guide on your path that you must blaze your own. And I stand so strong because hurt and sadness is all I have ever been given. I have no other choice but to carry forward fore I am all I have. They said they throw everything to me because they know I could handle it. But secretly, I am just as broken as you." She told him. 

She let her fingers graze his features, memorizing every detail. His eyes never left hers....all the while pleading for her to never stop touching him.

"But when you think you can no longer bear the storm, wait for it to pass...just hold on. And I will hold you as long as I can on that long, bumpy road." She said.

And with that, the clouds parted and the forest around them lit up with millions of fireflies which made the woods sparkle like some one had thrown glitter into it. 

"When there is nothing more then an echo on the wind........That is when you will hear my voice..."

And with that, she mounted her snow white stallion and galloped away into the moonlight. He stayed folded up into himself and on his knees, shrieking a curse to the sky.

Only love can change a mind. And in that love, our journey never ends.

-J.C.

Another Lonely Night As The Wind Gales Scream

At night when I am in bed, a million and 6 things plague my thoughts. What am I doing? Do I like what I have become? When do things get better?

Sleep is pointless....it takes forever to over come me and then I wake, not soon after, drenched in cold sweat and shaking.

Last week, I landed in urgent care for hours because of the pain I have been having on the inside. It hurt so bad, I would be doubled over in agony. I wasn't sure what was wrong, I just knew it hurt and something was wrong. After getting poked and prodded, with needles and an ultrasound...They said I have a 5cm cyst on my left ovary. Awesome -.- 

So, 4 days out of work, and an entire bottle of codeine later, I am going for my follow up today. Hopefully it shrank and didn't get bigger. It seriously is always something. Something is always wrong with me. My body hates me and wont function correctly. My appointment is in a few hours, so lets hope there is nothing too serious going on in there. 

I am so tired. I wish sleep would come for me...I wish I didn't feel so alone most of the time...

I can only reach for him so much... I can only put his arm around me so many times...I can only rub my skin against his so much before I understand he doesn't love me. He never loved me. How could you completely break me down and smother me out, if you loved me? I have never asked for anything more then to be loved.......

He posted something on his Facebook about missing someone blah blah blah...and it infuriates me because it isn't ME he is missing.....I have been right here! I have been right in front of him SCREAMING in his face to see me and to acknowledge me....to show me some sort of attention and affection....HELLO! I'M HERE! So who or what it is that my husband is missing today? He should be missing me...missing us. Missing what he destroyed....but here I sit, unable to sleep.....with those god forsaken thoughts running through my head......thinking I am not missed at all....

That, and the "I need alone time" kick he has been on. I switched my schedules from working 3-11s on his days off, to working 7-3s..... Why you ask? Because when he is alone...he finds trouble. And I feel like, if we are supposed to be working on things....and being together and trying to find a way back to what we had about 2 months ago....then me being home in the afternoons shouldn't be an issue. I am just upset that it wasn't HIS idea to do this. He says he is trying.....but I see no change or no trying. I see the same redundant crap. I feel more alone now then I did when he was sneaking around living in a make believe, pathetic dream world. He says he wants to go to counseling....but yet, why don't we have an appointment for a counselor? Why do I have to be the one to find and make the appointment.........I didn't want this.......I didn't do this to us....

I try to stay silent for the most part....I try to just bite my tongue and not say hurtful things because I know it is only the anger that is speaking. I try to stay positive and be uplifting....I try to just shut my mouth and continue doing the things I have been doing....to make him see who I am....and what we both should be together. I do things with him, and we spend time together.....but he gets this glazed over look in his eyes when we are alone. He doesn't answer the questions I have, even if they're just joking questions. Maybe, if he would just pretend to be trying with me....maybe if he would reach for me once in awhile....maybe if he was the first person to pucker up his lips for a quick smooch...maybe if he was the one running his fingers over my skin....maybe if I felt his tongue against mine.....then I wouldn't feel like I am in this 100% alone. I cant do this myself...I am still waiting on a letter or an email in response to the 3 page one I wrote to him 2 days ago...

I know this wasn't really much of a blog....but I needed to let some stuff out. Maybe now that it is out of me....I can catch a nap before I go to my appointment, then  to work. Some people use work as their alone time...away from everything that bothers them. I can't do that anymore. All I think about is.....Is he really at work? Why hasn't he returned my messages in over 3 hours? Is he talking to someone else while he is using work as an escape? Does he miss me? Is he as excited about coming home as I am? Why can't he just pretend with me?? Maybe if he pretended more....things might actually start to repair themselves....maybe if he was more in tune with my soul, like he used to be....things could be different......That is all I ask.......I just want.....different from him.

Sick of trying to answer myself,

-J.C.