Selfishness Times Infinity

This is just going to be a ridiculous fucking rant about something thats really really bothering me, and I am sorry to bore the shit out everyone, but I have to just get it out. 

Past couple of weeks, I have been slowly buying things for the wedding. Little things, like ribbon and table scatter and some bigger things like the glass vases for the center pieces. I also purchased a veil. Well, when the veil arrived at the house, I was so excited and took it out for mom and Garrett to see, and I went to go show my sister, Amanda, because A- she is my sister and B- she is also one of my bridesmaids....All she said to me was, "I dont want to see your fucking veil." Ooook. So I blew it off as she was just being cranky.

Then the other day, I asked her straight out if she was still wanting to be in the wedding...and all she had to do was run her mouth about how unhappy I am going to be once I am married and blah blah blah. So, once again, I let it go. 

Then yesterday, I showed her the dresses that I picked for my bridesmaids to wear and she says to me, "Those are fucking ugly. I'm not wearing that." First off, the dresses arent ugly at ALL. They are very romantic and elegant. Second of all, why the fuck cant she just be happy for me, and support me and TRY to act interested because she is my SISTER and loves me? 

Is that too much to ask for? Is a little support too much to ask for? She is entitled to her opinion, but seriously, come on...every little thing out of her mouth is negative and I am so sick and fucking tired of feeling like shit because she has something to say. 

And then she passed a comment about how she would be a bridesmaid in my next wedding.

I know you all are going to say something along the lines of...dont worry about her and just do for you.....but truth be told, I want, more then anything, for her to be a part of this with me.

I am to the point where I just want to give up and let her say and do as she please, because if any of you know my sister, you'll know that she doesn't break on her "opinion." If this is the way she is going to be, then I guess she isnt going to be a part of the wedding and honestly, I dont want to be surrounded by her negativity and her rotten attitude. So if that is what she wants, she wont be welcome to the wedding at ALL. 

She wants to act like a child...she is going to be treated as such. 

It just seriously fucking stresses me out and absolutely breaks my heart that she isnt even willing to shut up and bite the bullet and do this for me. I dont ask her for anything...And I guess I should have expected this, because this is just the way she is. I should have never even asked her to be in the wedding. I should have known better. 

But I thought, just for once, that she would be happy for me. I thought, maybe...just once...she could control her attitude and think of someone other then herself...........just once.

I guess I thought wrong. 

Trying to control my nerves,

-J.C.

Teal Lipstain Or Am I Just Frozen?

Another long day at work...and all I want to do is shower and sleep. I don't even need food tonight...just comfort. Just want to be held as I drift into a sleep...

A sleep that is fitful and broken...Like it has been for months. I wake up a million times a night...and I toss and turn through out because for some reason, my dreams have been like waking up in a fit of despair and not knowing where you are. They are like, opening your eyes for the first time and all your familiarity is completely turned upside down. Nothing is what it seems.

I think I might start taking sleeping pills again, just so I can sleep straight through and have dreamless nights.

And the migraines are getting progressively worse. They are almost everyday even though I am very good at hiding how much pain I am in. My shoulder has been nothing but anguish...It feels like it's burning...Like there is a fire inside of it. 

On a lighter note, I got another wedding package today in the mail. It's the little sparkly scatter pieces for the tables. That means there is only a few more things that I need to get for them! And then I have to figure out favors (urghhhh) and still find a unity candle that Adam and I both actually like and a cake server/knife set that isnt effin tacky. As fun as the planning and deciding is...I really just can't wait until it's over. Tomorrow, it will be exactly 9 months until the wedding. I have 9 months left....to buy everything, sell the dress that I hate on eBay, find a new dress, get all my bridesmaids on the same page and have them order their dresses, figure out the linen and china rentals, buy a chocolate fondue fountain, figure out the flowers and make the bouquets and boutonnieres for the boys when it's time and Adam has to find a bakery or whatever to do the cake...Arghhhh.   

Can we just skip to September 14th 2012? And everything is done.....please? I wish I would win the lotto...then I could just hire a wedding planner and have them do all the above, with no budget...Just go all out. 

Sigh.....if only.

Anyway, I guess that is enough out of me tonight. Tomorrow is my final day of work....and then I can have off for ONE WHOLE DAY on Friday...And then back to the grindstone for a 20 hour work weekend....Awesomeeee. 

-.-

Setting fire to the rain, 

-.J.C.

My Glasses Are Smudged & My Coffee Is Cold

But I have been breathing. Deep Shallow breaths...But I am alive. 

The time of year has come again...the Christmas tree is standing and sparkling in the living room, all the presents are wrapped and embrace the tree with their cheerful colors, and everyone seems to have lost their fucking minds. Everywhere I go, people look stressed out...or maybe it's because they havent slept enough....I see it everyday while I am working. This season is NOT supposed to have that kind of overwhelmed feeling. Its supposed to be full of joy...happiness....What is wrong with people? 

But on a different note, It has been a little while since I have written anything. I guess I should update? 

I got a promotion at work. They asked me to be a key holder...This means I would have to learn all of the opening paper work, open the store alone at 4:30 AM every other weekend and control the flow of things beings I would be the only "MOD" most mornings. Also, I will be going back to school to get my Nursing degree sometime this winter. Adam thinks I shouldn't take this promotion beings the raise is only going to bring my hourly pay close to 10$ and because my stress level about my job is off the charts now, he believes that once I start school again, I am not going to want to be bothered with the managerial duties at work. It's just too much stress he told me. 

And truth be told....It would be absolutely ridiculous with the amount of stress I would be feeling. BUT...I believe that if I take this promotion now, finish school and clinicals, I can be making Ok money while I look for a hospital that will accept my application for employment. 

I just want the best for our future. I want to do anything and everything I can so I can to prove to the world that I deserve the best. If a little bit more stress is the only bad that will come out of  having a better life....then so be it. I am young and strong...I can do this. I deserve this. I have struggled my ENTIRE life...what's a bit more struggling, knowing that at the end of it....I will be greatly rewarded? Point proven. 

Also, I have been slowly buying things for the wedding...Little bit here, little bit there...Because that is the way I have to do it. I dont have anyone that is going to help Adam and I have a beautiful wedding, so we have to do it ourselves completely and fully. It's making me more and more excited as each package arrives at the house. And as they arrive, I begin thinking to myself...This is really going to happen and its going to be beautiful. These little packages are more motivation for me to take this promotion and go to school at the same time....stress or not, This is just one of those things that I just have to do.

I am so0o tired of having a lackluster life. I want to sparkle and shine. I want to be the very very best that I can be. I want to be able to provide for the family I crave to have. 

And just knowing, when I write a blog this close to Christmas next year.....I will be a Wife. 

And just thinking that....My chest explodes with butterflies. 

Settling down into the silence of the snow in The Elsewhere, 

-J.C.