It's overcast outside. We don't need more rain. I don't need any more rain. I need sunshine. My skin feels like it's just so water logged...and it will start peeling away from my broken bones...and it will soon hang off in ribbons. My eyes have turned milky. I can't see. As if they're covered by a veil of gauze. The same fabric that a wedding gown is made from...An unused dress...
Again, I have destroyed something so pure. Something that I know is so unobtainable to me. Maybe, after all these years, that person was right...I am not capable of being loved. I cant let these feelings just build up inside of me...I need to scream...loud and long. I hurt so bad. As if I am being torn into pieces. As if each limb is being ripped from my torso.
Maybe if that was true, the pain inside of my heart wouldn't be as over powering. I have yet again, failed.
I am forever a failure.
Not worth anything given to me. Not worth the sunshine I long for.
Whats left of myself? What more do I have? I am so tired of feeling so tormented...of feeling so sad. I guess I asked for this. I begged for silence..I craved for quiet. But the things I ask for aren't always what I need.
I have to stop bottling myself. Putting little pieces of myself into glass jars and sealing the lids. One day, I will wake up and there wont be a single piece of me left. No more me. That would make everything to much easier for everyone I have ever made drink my poison. They all eagerly drank it out of the pretty little cups I served it in...And I let it happen. I watched it happen. Sat there, emotionless, as they killed themselves with my toxins.
Maybe I'm not real. Maybe I am just a ghost that sucks the life from people...and then I disappear....leaving my path littered with empty corpses of once proud and full of life people. I can bring the strongest person to their knees.
And its shameful.
I long for someone to sing me to sleep.
-J.C.
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