Durch Gefahren Unsägliches

Once more I am finding myself stumbling. I have almost everything my heart has ever desired but why do I feel so god damn sad?

I am going to chalk this up to postpartum depression. It definitely is real. The absolute helplessness I feel when i wake up is nothing like I have felt before. I feel like all I do is sit in the house with my beautiful tiny babe and wait. Wait for what? I have no idea.

 I suppose theres different kinds of PPD...theres the kind where you aren't bonding with your baby and you cant be around him or her. That's not what I am feeling. I have definitely bonded and love this tiny little bit to pieces! 

I feel like I am not connecting with adults anymore......I have a weird feeling toward my husband....like I feel like he doesn't know me and that he looks at me like I am a stranger. I feel different about my Mom...as if I now finally know the love she felt for me and Amanda and the amount of devotion she has for us and it makes my heart want to explode with love for her. I feel off about my friends...Maybe because they're never around. I miss my sister so much that it hurts sometimes...but she has her own life that she is living. Every one keeps saying they're here for me...but how can someone be there for someone else when they have no idea what it is that I am feeling?

I am ready for this winter to be over. I am ready to feel the sunshine on my face and the grass under my feet. I am ready to plant things and start the garden. I am ready to take vacation in June. I am sure once I am able to be out of this house more I might feel better about myself. It might even make Madilynn less cranky to have the sun on her chubby cheeks.

I dont really know how long PPD lasts. I didnt even think I would feel the way I do after giving birth. I said to myself, noooo, not me!!!!!

I will try my hardest to get through these last few weeks of winter... I am just glad I can still use this page as an outlet. 

Sorry for the bitching to whoever reads this. 

Folding into myself, 

-J.C.