Saturday, July 16, 2011

Trials Of Life

I feel like time is just flying by. Where does the time go? Is this how time starts passing the older you get? Its like, i fell asleep and it was June...woke up and now its the middle of July? I feel old. I hope this feeling isnt me missing out on life some more. Sigh. 

So I am working back at Cumberland since Friday's is a bunch of cock suckers. Ya know, it really sucks because I really enjoyed working there. After all, that is what i would like to do with my life...own a restaurant and bar...Fucking pipe dreams. 

I am feeling slightly under the weather today...Just a whole bunch of disappointment...I should be used to the way this feels...but for some reason...i always let it bother me when something i was looking forward to falls through. What else is new? Fucking story of my life. 

You ever sit and wonder what you were doing the year before, to the date? I was in Oklahoma, waiting to come back to New York...itching something fierce to get back to Orange County...And right now, I wish i was anywhere else, but here. I feel like, the more I am in this house, the more i die inside. It sucks the life out of me. Its kind of like, holding your breath too long underwater...That feeling where you can feel your lungs ready to burst. Like, you NEED to get to the surface to get some oxygen or you KNOW you are going to inhale water and then....well....that would be it. 

Thats how I feel when I am here. 

Adam and I went driving around yesterday and we were looking at houses...houses that are for sale...gorgeous houses...with big yards surrounded by white picket fences...and American flags on the porches....

If i close my eyes...i can imagine what it would feel like to wake up in one of these places...to sit on the deck, sipping coffee and watching the sun come up...It would be ours...I could bake in my own kitchen and go snip herbs out of my own garden...I love looking at houses with him...but after our adventure is over...another little piece of me dies inside...because of what I have to come back to at the end of the day. And as i lay in bed, awake...thinking about the days events, I think to myself....will i ever be one of those people that have one of those beautiful houses? 

No, probably not. Yet again, another pipe dream...

Goddess, I suck...

Anyway...time to get out of the Elsewhere and come back to reality. 


Basking in emptiness, 
-J.C.

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