Here it is, another year...2011 turned into 2012. It happened so fast. I dont remember the years spinning to an end this quickly...
Maybe it's because I am getting older and time doesn't really seem to have a meaning anymore. It's just going to wind down as quickly as possible until one day, I'll be laying on my death bed...an old woman. Will I look upon my life and be happy with it? Will I have done everything that my heart desires? Or will I be incomplete and wishing for just a few more days to do something more with the life I was given?
I literally sit here, and wonder...what will I ever do to leave my mark on the world? Will I be remembered after I am gone?
I have just been so stressed out lately. Just thinking about so many things and it has my head spinning. I feel like, I have a time limit...Like, if i dont do the things I have to, times going to run out....and I will lose.
All I have been thinking about is the wedding and how is it going to be perfect when I cant afford the things I really want for it? I want it to be perfect...beautiful...but without the funds, I am starting to think, maybe we should just wait another year before we get married. And then I think about it and get depressed. Why should we have to put our marriage on hold? Why do we have to suffer? Why does this have to be so ridiculously stressful?
And then I think about how in the hell we are going to find a place to live together. Having to divide up our time between 2 houses is aggravating. Like, most days/nights, Adam and I dont even see each other. We don't get to hold each other as we fall asleep. Or hear each other's voices everyday. We dont wake up entwined together or share a meal every night....And just knowing that most nights, I do and will get into my cold bed, alone...Destroys me. It frustrates me to the point of insanity or being violent. Like, I am so frustrated and so anxious, that I want to break things to get the frustration out. I want to scream at someone to make them understand how it feels. How many more nights do I cry myself to sleep? I know you may all think I am just overreacting, but I'm not. It seriously PAINS me to be engaged, preparing to get married in 8 months and we dont live together. We dont have our own space. We dont share each other like we should be able to out of respect to the people we live with. I hate it. I hate it more then I hate anything in the entire world. I would rather just elope and forget about the wedding then go one more day without having our own place. No beautiful dress...No reception with all of our friends and family...Just a place to call our own.
And then there are other things that are just ripping me up. Like the fact that I still have a fine that I have to pay to unsuspend my driver's license. Or the fact that I can't have my own car.... so I have to rot in this house when I'm not working. I would rather work every day of the week, all day, then to sit in this house, alone.
So, what do I do? How else do I spread myself any thinner? Do I ask Adam to postpone the wedding longer so I don't have to stress about trying to pay for everything? Do I look elsewhere, like, out of state for a place for us to live because we obviously can not afford to live in New York without having a bunch of room mates? Do I sell all of my belongings so I can make ends meet? Do I postpone finishing school until next year so I can work another full time job? Do I try to take out a loan so we can just pay for everything all at once, get out of debt, and worry about paying it back over time? Is it possible to sell a kidney for cash? Or sell some of my eggs for a couple grand? Yes, friends....That's what it feels like it's come to.
I feel like, the more I think about this stuff...the more depressed I become...And I feel like I cant seek comfort from anywhere. I just swallow it all down, like a bitter bite of cake. I let it fester and scab over...And then one afternoon, the scab falls off and it all comes rushing back to me. And BAM....seriously depressed.
I feel like I cry, a LOT more then I should.
I just dont want to live my life with regrets. I dont want to live my life, having nothing.
Why is it do hard for me to have a happy ending? Why have I always lived in suffering? My entire life, has been nothing but suffering. Will it be this year that I can start putting one foot in front of the other? Will it be this year that my desires start to become a reality? Or, like I said...will I always be incomplete, wishing for just a few more days to do something more with the life I was given?
As the clock counts down,
-J.C.
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