I do believe my poisoned heart is still beating...reluctantly.....struggling in opposition to keep any sort of rhythm.
Many many moons ago, someone who I thought would always hold me up and be my rock, left. He said I was the brightest star in his sky....and then he walked out on one dark night. I cried, and fought...I screamed and kicked.
I begged. "Daddy, please don't leave us." But he pulled out of my grasp from around his ankle and kicked me away from him....like I was disgusting to him.
And as I lay there, my heart split right down the middle. I lost all faith in having normality...Having a family. Having "Dad" to call me their princess...to have "Dad" tell me he will always be there for me whenever I needed him....
It took me almost 7 years to stop crying over having another failed family. That wasn't the first time.
It was the 3rd.
Then a shadow from someone I knew my entire life waltzed on to the path of my very beautiful and loving Mama. She welcomed him with open arms and an open heart. He was her best friend...He was her life's song...her heart's beat...Everything was perfect. Everything started to feel normal...like he belonged with us. Like he was always and forever a part of our life...
He showed me so many awesome things. We had so much in common...We went on many different adventures. He danced with me for my father/daughter dance at my wedding...He cried when I said my vows...He was supposed to be the Grandfather to my children...He was supposed to grow old with my Mama.
Then the winds changed. They were blowing one way....now they're blowing completely backwards. Something happened to cause what I thought was indestructible, to shatter into a million pieces that spider webbed across my heart. It was like the coldness he was emitting had caused the heart that was shuddering in my chest to stop. Slow moving hair line fractures started creeping up from the bottom of it...As if it was a piece of ice that started to crack.
What is happening? WHY is this happening? What did I do for him to not want to keep his promises? Am I not what he always told me I was? Am I a horrible person? Is there something wrong with me? How can this happen...again?
You said you would be there to guide me when trouble walks beside me.
You said if I needed you to just call your name.
You said if I missed you...You would be there.
.......And all I am getting in return is my own echo screaming back at me as I call your name in the wind....
This hurt is beyond something I never felt before...even more so then when I was kicked away all those years ago.
Failed Family Number 4.
It just hurts...and I am not sure how many moons this one is going to last for.
Longing to run and to never look back,
-J.C.
No comments:
Post a Comment