Thursday, June 5, 2014

The Air Around Me Still Feels Like A Cage

Through the years of myself, I have felt love and have lost love. But there was only one thing that remained the same...I was never worthy to feel it. I never deserved it. Someone told me a long, long time ago that there would never be anyone who would or could love me. They said I was like a tiny fragment of a piece of broken glass and as time went on, then I would spider web out of control and destroy everyone around me, including myself. I didnt believe him. I refused to think that someone, like me, could ever be out of control. I was just a silent breeze on the summer night...yes, I was slightly broken, but I always promised myself that I would never let go. I was never going to listen to that shit. 
Slowly, as time wore on, I noticed that the poison I inflicted onto people was just my way of gaining control. I just wanted control...I didn't try for that once in a life time happily ever after because I always knew, deep within my skin, how it would end up. How I would hurt them. I knew, the whole time, even through the tainted and broken I love you's, what the outcome would be. 

So, I just floated, like a silent summer breeze at night. In and out of people's lives. Like a ghost who didn't see the light. 

I think I became something I swore all of those years ago I wouldn't become. I am pretty sure I have lost something so very precious to me. I think I am without the love of someone who was supposed to stand by my side through everything. I think I have turned something so beautiful into something very ugly and full of hate. But, I cant think if I have ever done anything to make it become this. I dont think I the spilled the poison into his lungs, like I did to all the rest. I sat quiet when I should have argued and fought for what was right. 

I think I have lost myself. I think....i think.....i think.....

That is all I have been doing is thinking...Because I cant feel him anymore. I cant remember what it feels like to really feel his lips on mine with the fire of passion we used to share. Come to think of it, it has been so long that I dont recall what it feels like to feel actually.... loved. 

Was I ever really loved or was it another one of those dreams where I wake up in a cold sweat and barely able to breathe? Was it another one of the charades I put myself into so I could stop feeling pain? Was I in the Elsewhere, living my fantasy? Did I conjure this all up to quiet the static in my head? Is this all make believe........?

I feel as if I ate my own fucking poison apple. I took a bite of the decay I was so used to feeding other people. I poured anguish into pretty china and set them in front of my conquests....but right now, I am getting a taste of my own bitter potion. I didnt realize it left such a lump in your stomach......

.....Or maybe thats from me not eating. Welcome home disorder....I have missed you. The gnawing in my body keeps me company. And calms me when I scream "SHUT THE FUCK UP" at it. The gnaw is my friend. The only thing thats ever felt like home to me. Hopefully I will slip away unnoticed. Or maybe become something he can love...I already dyed my hair because thats what he prefers....hoping he could see me if I was something he liked. 



What do I do? How can I start over when he was supposed to me the chapter of my book that made readers finally able to relax after all the turmoil I have been through. He was supposed to keep me safe. He was supposed to be it for me. You are it for me. You are it for me. You are it for me. 





Theres much left unsaid, 
-J.C.




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