I Starve For A Balance Unknown

Here, another morning, sitting at the laptop  having coffee....Pandora is playing....and I feel like shit. Not really sure what eats away at me today....probably the same thing that destroys me a little bit more every single day. 

I have this feeling deep within my chest that is screaming...."RUN, J.....RUN AWAY!" I feel it pounding and clawing for me to listen. But there is something that stops me from keeping on driving when I am on my way to work. Maybe its the guilt? Maybe its the fact that I have a half a tank of gas and a hundred dollars in my bank account? Maybe its because I really do want to fix what is broken in my home?

Maybe this cant be fixed because you dont want to. I really want to stop trying so hard. I want to let go of everything that I have been doing because nothing is going to fix this shit if I am the only one working for it. This isn't fair and I am wasting my energy. I am wasting my youth. We are losing out on the most precious years of our life because you're in such a pathetic conundrum....Just let it go and wake up! Move forward with REAL life....no more silly child games and dreams....your life and reality is right in front of your eyes and you're letting it waste away on something that will NEVER happen. THAT is NOT obtainable. So how about you work toward what is..........

I dont want to be on my knees screaming for you anymore. 

Nor should I have to. 

I really wonder what it would be like to have to start over. I will be 28 in two months. Is it hard to start all over with life after you have sunk straight to the bottom?? Will I ever trust anyone ever again? 

I just feel like I am waiting around all by myself. How did I become so broken all over again? How did this happen??? I thought I was living my fairy tale..... 

I was glued back together. Piece my fragile piece...every splinter of porcelain was painstakingly pieced back together. 

My amber eyes were the hardest to fix.....my blood red lips were permanently in a slight frown.....and I was whole for a short time. 

Now I am desperately trying to find every tiny sliver of glass to fix myself again..... 

 It isn't looking very promising. So many dreams were broken and so much was sacrificed.

God......save me.

Will all our sins be justified?

-J.C.