At night when I am in bed, a million and 6 things plague my thoughts. What am I doing? Do I like what I have become? When do things get better?
Sleep is pointless....it takes forever to over come me and then I wake, not soon after, drenched in cold sweat and shaking.
Last week, I landed in urgent care for hours because of the pain I have been having on the inside. It hurt so bad, I would be doubled over in agony. I wasn't sure what was wrong, I just knew it hurt and something was wrong. After getting poked and prodded, with needles and an ultrasound...They said I have a 5cm cyst on my left ovary. Awesome -.-
So, 4 days out of work, and an entire bottle of codeine later, I am going for my follow up today. Hopefully it shrank and didn't get bigger. It seriously is always something. Something is always wrong with me. My body hates me and wont function correctly. My appointment is in a few hours, so lets hope there is nothing too serious going on in there.
I am so tired. I wish sleep would come for me...I wish I didn't feel so alone most of the time...
I can only reach for him so much... I can only put his arm around me so many times...I can only rub my skin against his so much before I understand he doesn't love me. He never loved me. How could you completely break me down and smother me out, if you loved me? I have never asked for anything more then to be loved.......
He posted something on his Facebook about missing someone blah blah blah...and it infuriates me because it isn't ME he is missing.....I have been right here! I have been right in front of him SCREAMING in his face to see me and to acknowledge me....to show me some sort of attention and affection....HELLO! I'M HERE! So who or what it is that my husband is missing today? He should be missing me...missing us. Missing what he destroyed....but here I sit, unable to sleep.....with those god forsaken thoughts running through my head......thinking I am not missed at all....
That, and the "I need alone time" kick he has been on. I switched my schedules from working 3-11s on his days off, to working 7-3s..... Why you ask? Because when he is alone...he finds trouble. And I feel like, if we are supposed to be working on things....and being together and trying to find a way back to what we had about 2 months ago....then me being home in the afternoons shouldn't be an issue. I am just upset that it wasn't HIS idea to do this. He says he is trying.....but I see no change or no trying. I see the same redundant crap. I feel more alone now then I did when he was sneaking around living in a make believe, pathetic dream world. He says he wants to go to counseling....but yet, why don't we have an appointment for a counselor? Why do I have to be the one to find and make the appointment.........I didn't want this.......I didn't do this to us....
I try to stay silent for the most part....I try to just bite my tongue and not say hurtful things because I know it is only the anger that is speaking. I try to stay positive and be uplifting....I try to just shut my mouth and continue doing the things I have been doing....to make him see who I am....and what we both should be together. I do things with him, and we spend time together.....but he gets this glazed over look in his eyes when we are alone. He doesn't answer the questions I have, even if they're just joking questions. Maybe, if he would just pretend to be trying with me....maybe if he would reach for me once in awhile....maybe if he was the first person to pucker up his lips for a quick smooch...maybe if he was the one running his fingers over my skin....maybe if I felt his tongue against mine.....then I wouldn't feel like I am in this 100% alone. I cant do this myself...I am still waiting on a letter or an email in response to the 3 page one I wrote to him 2 days ago...
I know this wasn't really much of a blog....but I needed to let some stuff out. Maybe now that it is out of me....I can catch a nap before I go to my appointment, then to work. Some people use work as their alone time...away from everything that bothers them. I can't do that anymore. All I think about is.....Is he really at work? Why hasn't he returned my messages in over 3 hours? Is he talking to someone else while he is using work as an escape? Does he miss me? Is he as excited about coming home as I am? Why can't he just pretend with me?? Maybe if he pretended more....things might actually start to repair themselves....maybe if he was more in tune with my soul, like he used to be....things could be different......That is all I ask.......I just want.....different from him.
Sick of trying to answer myself,
-J.C.
You need to stop blaming yourself for something he did. He chose to do that to you. He obviously isn't putting in the effort to be there for you. He is posting about missing someone or something and you know it is not about you. Why are you doing this to yourself? You are beautiful and do not deserve this. Don't let his decision to not put an effort define you. You are so talented and an amazing writer. There is only so much you can force. See yourself. Speak up. Stand your ground. You deserve respect. Watching you give in to someone who honestly could give two shits about you makes me so angry. You don't deserve this. He should be castrated in public for humiliating the marriage you two went into together. And the other woman should be just as humiliated. Sorry. Just wanted you to know that you definitely don't deserve this ever. <3
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