A Years Worth Of Angst

It literally took me about 45 minutes to try and remember the log in for this account. It had gotten lost in the move between lap top to desk top and I almost gave myself a heart attack. Apparently I have 12 Google accounts but not one of them was the key to get in to my Blogspot. 

Anywayyyy.

Past year Erich and I have been hot and heavy on the fertility journey. We have been through SO much. Countless tests, blood work out of the wahzoo, visit after visit and ultrasound after ultrasound, medication that we had to inject for over a week.... We started our first cycle of IVF in February. 

And it ended in a Big Fat Negative at the end of February.

We were CRUSHED, to say the very least.

It seemed like everything we did was worthless...I felt so empty and tired and sad...This has literally been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. Its so hard to stay positive and focused when all around me is post after post of pregnancy announcements, new moms, adorable babies...it literally kills me. I am so happy for people who get the chance to have their own children.....

I am just very sad for us.

And that brings me to another thing I want to vent a bit about. Its just a vent...don't take offense.... 

I am SO sick of hearing certain things from people. I literally wanted to explode the other day....I know you guys love me and want to support this journey....but if the words coming out of your mouth are anything more then i love you....keep at it! or questions about what we are doing.......then I do not want them. Sometimes the things people say hurt me...without intentions I know....but they do and causes a lot of stress. I have chosen to share my journey publicly...but maybe going forward I may not.......

  Here are a few things I have gotten from people that dig me:

**"It will happen when the time is right." 

Excuse me.....This is a controlled medical procedure, not a natural pregnancy...so the time is right when the doctor does the procedure. So, enough of that noise....

**"Maybe this is a test"

A test? A test of what? How long I am able to put up with stupid comments before I snap someones neck?

**"Take my kids for the day."

I do not want your shitty kids...If I wanted someone else's shitty kid we would be saving the 30k to adopt. Fuck off. Immediately.

**"We will continue praying!"

That's awesome and I appreciate that you keep us in your thoughts so much...but is this seriously the 'will' of your god??? If it was, why would a happy, stable and loving husband and wife not be able to give birth to a child...but teenagers without jobs, a car, a savings, their own place etc can or people who abuse or even kill their children can do it so easily??? Oh, you live off of government money and refuse to work to provide for your 6 children who all have different fathers? THAT sounds legit! Living the dream!!!!

We are trying everything we can to move forward to do a frozen egg transfer (FET) and we were looking at May for that...but insurance is taking forever!!!! We don't even know yet if we are able to pay for the FET with insurance money, and they wanted to start the cycle next week......I cant. They called me today to try and tell me that we have 10,000$ on prescription coverage ......I'm like, no we don't. She insisted on it and even wanted to order my new medications. Took 3 hours for a supervision to call and tell me she was wrong and was looking at the wrong account the whole time........I've been dealing with this the whole time... Its none stop stress and miscommunication and no one knows what the hell they're doing... Idiots!

In other news...we are still waiting on a return call from the realtor about a house we put an offer on. It is literally the best house that Erich and I have been in so far! We absolutely LOVE it! I am trying to see this as the silver lining of our failed IVF. Maybe this was in our cards before our baby...I just really hope to hear something SOON! I am super anxious!!!! 

Oh and one more thing....My second novel, SideWinder (the continuation of Twisting Mirrors) is almost ready for print!!!!!!

Since I am able to log into my account now, I will try to stay on top of it.

Hold your breath.....

-J.C.

The Bottom Line

As you all know, Erich and I have been seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist  because we have been having trouble conceiving for the past few years. We have been seeing Dr Levine since the beginning of December and we have gone through his entire “fertility investigation” that he ordered. 

Two rounds of blood work for me, one for Erich. He had a complete semen analysis. Then I had a test called an SIS, which is a saline infused sonogram. This test is where they inject saline into your uterus and look for polyps or scar tissue or things along those lines. It wasn’t too comfortable. They found a polyp in there. 

Then we went for an HSG, which is a hysterosalpingogram. This is a test where they push contrast dye into your fallopian tubes to check for any blockages or scar tissue. During my test, I was told that the dye was filling my tubes but wasn’t releasing, which means there could be a blockage. This test literally brought a tear to my eye. It hurt SO much and he explained that the pain was caused by the blockage. If there was not a blockage, it wouldn’t have hurt so much. The radiologist also told me he wasn’t seeing any scar tissue but will look through the x-rays and write his report to Dr. Levine. 

Dr Levine never shared this report with me. 

Upon receiving our results from Levine’s office, he determined that laparoscopy surgery was needed to see the blockage up close and personal and try to release it or break it up, as well as remove the polyp from my uterus. We scheduled and had the surgery, within 2 weeks of that appointment. While I was in recovery, Dr Levine told Erich and my mom that the tubes were so beyond damaged from scar tissue that there was no saving them or breaking up the scarring. They asked what could have caused this and Levine replied with a standard text book response. He said it could be from inflammation or an infection. I have never even had a UTI before let alone any kind of infection…so how did this happen and what caused this?? They kept asking…he kept replying with almost the same response. He told them my tubes are “not usable” and also said “we will discuss other options at your follow up next week.” I am currently recovering from the surgery which has had me in a GREAT deal of pain and discomfort.  They cut 2 incisions as well as one in my belly button and on top of that, dilated and went through my cervix to remove the polyp.

Erich and I have talked about this and we have decided that we are going to seek out a second opinion. Since day one of seeing Levine he has always mentioned IVF. None stop talk about IVF. We feel as if he will say these exact words on Monday when we go for our follow up. He is going to say….”We should go back in and remove the tubes and then start rounds of IVF.” We can almost guarantee this is what will be said…and we are NOT in denial about getting this news that we will never be able to have children like normal people…we are just not sure if removing the tubes and doing IVF is our only option and we want to speak with another doctor before we decide to do this VERY life altering surgery. Not having fallopian tubes means we will NEVER be able to have children on our own and if we wanted more than one child, it is out of the question, unless we adopt, because IVF is 10-15,000$ A POP and there’s not even a guarantee that it would WORK……..

Our second opinion is March 26^th at noon with a different doctor. If this doctor reviews our case and he also determines that my tubes are destroyed and not useable, then we will proceed with whatever our options are, that we will hear from Levine on Monday.

I am trying to stay positive. I am trying to think outside of the box. I read a TON of articles where the patients were told the exact same things and here they are with perfect and healthy children. I am trying to have faith and keep my head high…but the news that Levine gave us was such a hard pill to swallow that I still feel it stuck in my throat. I have spent these last few days, while I am healing, looking on the internet for some sort of hope. I feel so much helplessness right now…and I have even apologized to my patient and kind husband, while on narcotics, that I was sorry for not being a complete woman. But just know, it wasn’t just the pain meds talking…I DO feel this way. He deserves the best from his wife…and I don’t feel like I can give him the best because as of right now, I am not able to give him his munchkin the normal way.

 I feel a sort of desperation here…and I am hoping, with everything that I am, the news is better after we see a different doctor. I didn’t realize having a family would be this hard…or this painful.

Hold your children in your arms tightly, Moms… they are indeed the best thing that will ever happen to you.  I would kill to be in your shoes. To be parents, for Erich and I, it would be such a blessing and such a honor. It really is a privilege and NOT a given to be able to have your own children. My heart completely and utterly aches right now…I feel SO much emotion…..and I am not really sure how to handle it. 

With every beat of my heart,

-J.C.

The Sky Is A Vacant Throne

It has been 2 months since the last time I have written anything. 2 solid months of silence means there is something tragic happening or I have nothing to say because my head is just too full. 

I am still feeling lost.....Like I am walking alone in the dark with my eyes shut with no points of light. I still shudder and get the cold chills with goosebumps all over my body when I lay in bed at night and everything is quite because my mind can never shut off. I feel myself slip every single day....I still feel the rage bubble into my stomach...I feel the hot creep behind my eye lids... 

I feel the screams gurgle in my throat...............

I hate knowing I will never be able to enjoy the park I have loved for so many years anymore. It is tainted for me. Destroyed. But that wasnt thought about during the burst of absolute selfishness....makes me sick. Then again....am I, or what I want, EVER thought about??

 I wish there was a simple way to forget....just.........forget.

I am tired of screaming for things. No one hears me.... I am so frustrated. The days seem to make my heart skip beats. Make me slightly more twisted...It's like swallowing from a glass of milk you hadn't realized turned sour. Just, unexpected.

I feel like as time keeps ticking, slowly but surely, my dreams will all fade away and never be accomplished. Maybe I am just supposed to always hurt....always always always. I was born into hurt...... Maybe this is what life IS supposed to feel like, and it has finally blackened my soul....

I never want to leave The Elsewhere but everything is flooded there today...I climbed a high tree and I am standing on a long thin branch, hoping the water doesnt reach my toes. Did I ever mention that my biggest fear is drowning? Which makes little sense because swimming is one of my most favorite things ever.

Am I that much of a terrible person that I can't have the simple things I want out of life?? I don't think I am a monster. Somewhere deep inside of me is the girl I know I am...or was..... The wife I need to be....the daughter that makes her mother proud.....The Goddess I am so often called.

I always wake up in the middle of the night from the static....and I always feel like I am split in two pieces. One half screams..."Just stop and end this!!!!" The other half mumbles...."You have been fucking sick forever...."

For years I have rocked and counted the seconds that ticked by....I find myself still doing that....ticking down to silence. And I know exactly where to go and exactly what I will be wearing...and exactly how he will find me. 

Sweet Goddess.....what have you done to me? 

Trying to destroy the curse, 

-J.C.

Meet The Vessel Of Your Reprisal

After 12 very long, very tiring, very stressful and very emotional weeks...I finally got something I have been waiting to hear. Needing to hear.

An apology. 

The apology that was laced with regret and sadness...hurt and sorrow....And as I let this out finally, after all this time....I feel as if I can breathe again. Forgiven....but never forgotten. Let go...and moving forward.

In case you're all wondering.... 
This is a blog about some truths and I am letting it all out.....

I knew, for a while what was happening and now that it is all over, I can tell you all now the truth of some things...I knew 8 days before I left for Alabama what was happening...but told no one. I kept it to myself...wrote about it....started fighting for things harder....I knew. I felt it in my blood. 

The first thing that tipped me off......my wedding gown was out of the closet one afternoon....and I didn't put it there. My perfume went missing one night. My robe in the bathroom wasn't where i left it...........Someone was digging through my shit and I knew it wasn't my husband......The garden tub in the master bath was used.....while Erich and I were at work. 

The first thing I thought was....."It" is moving in on my territory.

I talked to Aja about all of this....and I decided to take "It" there one late afternoon...because Aja has a funny way of getting things out of people. (love you girl!) And not only did "Its" body language tell us everything...."It" cried....and pleaded for Aja to stop.... I said nothing because, well....I knew. Aja kept going...demanding answers...hammering away at "it"......nothing was said at that moment....but "It" didnt talk to me the whole way home. "It" knew that I knew..... and cried almost the entire way back.

Nothing I have said in the past 12 weeks was a lie....I have tried to keep everything as real as possible with minimal bitching.....but here are a few more truths for those who care and want to know.......

I didn't make anything up, i didn't tamper with journal entries of "its"...I did send some nastyyyy as shit texts....I do have incriminating photos....I burned everything "it" ever owned....I am pretty sure I broke a few of "its" ribs that day.....and just for everyone's piece of mind....I have COMPLETELY shut out that side of my family.....every single one of them. 

Fuck them.

All of them. 

Absolutely worthless. 

There is only going up from here and there isn't a single thing in this world that is going to slow down the progression of that. Until death do us part, right?? I am so beyond happy that life is making a complete 360 for us.I just hope and pray and plead for it to continue. Death never stopped true love, it can only delay it for awhile.

I guess that is enough truth telling for now.....too much truth can get people into trouble.   ;)

Surfing reality, 

-J.C.

I Starve For A Balance Unknown

Here, another morning, sitting at the laptop  having coffee....Pandora is playing....and I feel like shit. Not really sure what eats away at me today....probably the same thing that destroys me a little bit more every single day. 

I have this feeling deep within my chest that is screaming...."RUN, J.....RUN AWAY!" I feel it pounding and clawing for me to listen. But there is something that stops me from keeping on driving when I am on my way to work. Maybe its the guilt? Maybe its the fact that I have a half a tank of gas and a hundred dollars in my bank account? Maybe its because I really do want to fix what is broken in my home?

Maybe this cant be fixed because you dont want to. I really want to stop trying so hard. I want to let go of everything that I have been doing because nothing is going to fix this shit if I am the only one working for it. This isn't fair and I am wasting my energy. I am wasting my youth. We are losing out on the most precious years of our life because you're in such a pathetic conundrum....Just let it go and wake up! Move forward with REAL life....no more silly child games and dreams....your life and reality is right in front of your eyes and you're letting it waste away on something that will NEVER happen. THAT is NOT obtainable. So how about you work toward what is..........

I dont want to be on my knees screaming for you anymore. 

Nor should I have to. 

I really wonder what it would be like to have to start over. I will be 28 in two months. Is it hard to start all over with life after you have sunk straight to the bottom?? Will I ever trust anyone ever again? 

I just feel like I am waiting around all by myself. How did I become so broken all over again? How did this happen??? I thought I was living my fairy tale..... 

I was glued back together. Piece my fragile piece...every splinter of porcelain was painstakingly pieced back together. 

My amber eyes were the hardest to fix.....my blood red lips were permanently in a slight frown.....and I was whole for a short time. 

Now I am desperately trying to find every tiny sliver of glass to fix myself again..... 

 It isn't looking very promising. So many dreams were broken and so much was sacrificed.

God......save me.

Will all our sins be justified?

-J.C.

She Rules Until The End Of Time

The rain came in sheets as he told her he needed her. She fell a thousand feet from Asgard and came crashing down into something she didn't know how to fix. The lightening danced across the sky in a rush of silver which resembled thorned and gnarled branches.

"Close your eyes." He whispered. 

Shaking like a lone leaf on a tree, she did as he commanded and closed her amber eyes to the safety of her vision. His hands brushed across her bare shoulders. They were warm compared to the cold rain saturating her skin. His fingers traveled up her the side of her throat before he pressed his lips to it as well. Her knees buckled.

"Stay still for me." He demanded in a husky voice that oozed like sticky hot sugar. She placed her hands to her sides and held her body stiff, as he asked. She listened to the storm around her and the heavy words and sweet breath of this capture who was drinking her in. This would only last another moment and she knew it. He was breaking.

"I am nothing standing before you asking for you to take me into your soul. You are the only thing that can settle the pain and the rage inside of me."

For the first time, she felt air in her lungs. Now was the time to tell him the truth.

Do you not know who I am?" she asked. 

Opening her eyes she turned to look at him. 

"Drop to your knees and show me that you need me. I am a Goddess. Let me give you life. But please know, I can take it also."

Electric pulses went through her body as she touched his cheek, sharing the sensation of divinity with him, which brought him to her knees where he sat clinging to her long skirts. She saw his bloody knuckles and the dirt beneath his nails. She saw the torture in those brilliant eyes. More grey then blue at that moment. The rain and tears had streaked his face and left dirty lines.

"My Goddess, how can you hold on with the wind so strong? How do you fight this storm?" He pleaded. "I need help. I do not want to fight anymore with no reward."

She saw tears swell in those forever eyes. 

The lightening continued to crash and strike all around them. The wind tossing her long locks around her causing to have, what seemed like, a golden halo.

She parted her cherry stained lips to speak......

"I can not control others destinies or write your path for you. I am nothing more then a guide on your path that you must blaze your own. And I stand so strong because hurt and sadness is all I have ever been given. I have no other choice but to carry forward fore I am all I have. They said they throw everything to me because they know I could handle it. But secretly, I am just as broken as you." She told him. 

She let her fingers graze his features, memorizing every detail. His eyes never left hers....all the while pleading for her to never stop touching him.

"But when you think you can no longer bear the storm, wait for it to pass...just hold on. And I will hold you as long as I can on that long, bumpy road." She said.

And with that, the clouds parted and the forest around them lit up with millions of fireflies which made the woods sparkle like some one had thrown glitter into it. 

"When there is nothing more then an echo on the wind........That is when you will hear my voice..."

And with that, she mounted her snow white stallion and galloped away into the moonlight. He stayed folded up into himself and on his knees, shrieking a curse to the sky.

Only love can change a mind. And in that love, our journey never ends.

-J.C.

Another Lonely Night As The Wind Gales Scream

At night when I am in bed, a million and 6 things plague my thoughts. What am I doing? Do I like what I have become? When do things get better?

Sleep is pointless....it takes forever to over come me and then I wake, not soon after, drenched in cold sweat and shaking.

Last week, I landed in urgent care for hours because of the pain I have been having on the inside. It hurt so bad, I would be doubled over in agony. I wasn't sure what was wrong, I just knew it hurt and something was wrong. After getting poked and prodded, with needles and an ultrasound...They said I have a 5cm cyst on my left ovary. Awesome -.- 

So, 4 days out of work, and an entire bottle of codeine later, I am going for my follow up today. Hopefully it shrank and didn't get bigger. It seriously is always something. Something is always wrong with me. My body hates me and wont function correctly. My appointment is in a few hours, so lets hope there is nothing too serious going on in there. 

I am so tired. I wish sleep would come for me...I wish I didn't feel so alone most of the time...

I can only reach for him so much... I can only put his arm around me so many times...I can only rub my skin against his so much before I understand he doesn't love me. He never loved me. How could you completely break me down and smother me out, if you loved me? I have never asked for anything more then to be loved.......

He posted something on his Facebook about missing someone blah blah blah...and it infuriates me because it isn't ME he is missing.....I have been right here! I have been right in front of him SCREAMING in his face to see me and to acknowledge me....to show me some sort of attention and affection....HELLO! I'M HERE! So who or what it is that my husband is missing today? He should be missing me...missing us. Missing what he destroyed....but here I sit, unable to sleep.....with those god forsaken thoughts running through my head......thinking I am not missed at all....

That, and the "I need alone time" kick he has been on. I switched my schedules from working 3-11s on his days off, to working 7-3s..... Why you ask? Because when he is alone...he finds trouble. And I feel like, if we are supposed to be working on things....and being together and trying to find a way back to what we had about 2 months ago....then me being home in the afternoons shouldn't be an issue. I am just upset that it wasn't HIS idea to do this. He says he is trying.....but I see no change or no trying. I see the same redundant crap. I feel more alone now then I did when he was sneaking around living in a make believe, pathetic dream world. He says he wants to go to counseling....but yet, why don't we have an appointment for a counselor? Why do I have to be the one to find and make the appointment.........I didn't want this.......I didn't do this to us....

I try to stay silent for the most part....I try to just bite my tongue and not say hurtful things because I know it is only the anger that is speaking. I try to stay positive and be uplifting....I try to just shut my mouth and continue doing the things I have been doing....to make him see who I am....and what we both should be together. I do things with him, and we spend time together.....but he gets this glazed over look in his eyes when we are alone. He doesn't answer the questions I have, even if they're just joking questions. Maybe, if he would just pretend to be trying with me....maybe if he would reach for me once in awhile....maybe if he was the first person to pucker up his lips for a quick smooch...maybe if he was the one running his fingers over my skin....maybe if I felt his tongue against mine.....then I wouldn't feel like I am in this 100% alone. I cant do this myself...I am still waiting on a letter or an email in response to the 3 page one I wrote to him 2 days ago...

I know this wasn't really much of a blog....but I needed to let some stuff out. Maybe now that it is out of me....I can catch a nap before I go to my appointment, then  to work. Some people use work as their alone time...away from everything that bothers them. I can't do that anymore. All I think about is.....Is he really at work? Why hasn't he returned my messages in over 3 hours? Is he talking to someone else while he is using work as an escape? Does he miss me? Is he as excited about coming home as I am? Why can't he just pretend with me?? Maybe if he pretended more....things might actually start to repair themselves....maybe if he was more in tune with my soul, like he used to be....things could be different......That is all I ask.......I just want.....different from him.

Sick of trying to answer myself,

-J.C.