Forced Fragility Turned Fire Flight

Months have flew by, again. Just flew. Where did the time go? I feel like I have been holding my breath all this time. Have I just been frozen in time.... like the days have become?  I am getting sick of this weather by the way. I miss the green in my Elsewhere. 

A lot has happened...........................

Was I sacrificing myself for someone who wasnt worth my sorrow? Was I crying for someone who didnt deserve my tears? Was I always bleeding for someone who didnt want my blood? ....I was.....So much for living for someone who wasnt even living for themselves. It felt like all of my bones were broken...He was turning all of my dreams to dust. It was like, he didnt believe in the places I went to when I was sleeping or writing....It felt like he was devouring my soul.....Was Adam doing those things to me on purpose? Was he slowly trying to kill me or was he waiting for me to take my own life. He almost won. He almost had my blood on his hands. I almost did it. Almost went for a very cold, very dark swim. I cant believe I havent admitted that, until just now. Please dont judge me. Please dont hate me for almost making that choice. It is just easier to run.......I would have taken all that shame to my grave.

So much has changed over the past 9 months. I am no longer beaten down and bruised.

I had a strange journey down a path that I tucked into the back of my mind for almost a decade. I was lost. Screaming. He found me. Again. He pulled me into his arms on one dark spring night and held me. Close. I looked up into his eyes, the eyes I have always know...and I felt safe. He is real. I was shown the way to live. After all this time, I am able to sleep at night. The Dreams only plagued me every so often. Maybe I am not as broken as I always thought, or maybe I just was able to be fixed. I believe in the Elsewhere again. I believe that I am worth everything that Erich gives me. Why did I wait so long? Why couldnt I get off of my knees? Why couldnt I find the way to breathe sooner?? I am not perfect....but in His eyes, I am. He is the one that has always caught all of my tears. The reason has always been Him. But I was bound. Wrapped into something I never ever want to feel again. 

I didnt replace anything if thats what you are wondering. There isnt a way to "replace" something that was always there. Nothing was able to keep us away from each other and thats all that matters. No one ever could take away what we have always had. I was just filling in the void when He wasnt able to wrap me into his world. It took so long. I waited for a long time. I cried, a lot. but just knowing that he will always be there when my next chapter begins....it is a feeling that I wish everyone can feel one day. 

Satisfied. Happy. The first time I have felt alive.....in years.

And in only a few short months, I will be walking down an aisle to meet Him in matrimony...I am going to grant Him my body and soul.....I will take His last name and honor it with everything that I have inside of me.....I will give Him my vows that will last a lifetime. I should have done this years ago. But I find it absolutely amazing that we basically picked up right where we left off. He fell in love with me once......and then, 10 years later....He did it again. He woke me up. Saved me.  

From myself. 

And for that I owe Him my life.

I love you. Until the last beat of my heart.

Until next time, 

-J.C.

The Dawn Of A New Era

Today is the second day of my 9 days straight of work. I dont have a day off until the 11th of this month. This place fucking kills me. I am just hoping that its all worth it in the end...Working myself to utter exhaustion. I really need my car...I really need for this to happen, sooner then later. I really hate having to rely on people for shit like, taking me to and from work...or if i want to go somewhere or get something to eat...I have to ask and rely on someone to help me out. I am just done feeling so useless when it comes to this sort of thing. I am so done being  burden to every one.

I just cant wait. Im so anxious. But its not all hope and stuff. Some times, i feel like this will never happen for me. I'll never have my own car...I should be used to this kind of thing...not getting what I want and having to struggle for everything. I am just so tired and its only day 2 of 9.

Aja is getting married on the 27th. I seriously cant believe she is getting married before me. Everyone in high school always said that i would be the one that was married and had kids first...and in actuality...I am DEAD LAST. It stings a little. It really does. I am trying to get out of the circle of suck so hard...so I can build a life...So I can be proud of the person I am instead of feeling disappointment whenever i look in the mirror. I have barely any accomplishments to mark my belt off with. Even though I am extremely jealous....I am happy for Aja. She deserves to find happiness and be treated right. And I believe she has found that. 

Anyway...the wedding is on the 27th....and i will keep everyone updated as the clock ticks nearer...and ill post pictures. I am helping Audrey lead the ceremony...and I am super excited. Lets see if i can keep my tears under wraps. 

Thats all for now...

Hoping this entry is the start of a new leaf...

-J.C.

I Am The Song No One Sings

It's overcast outside. We don't need more rain. I don't need any more rain. I need sunshine. My skin feels like it's just so water logged...and it will start peeling away from my broken bones...and it will soon hang off in ribbons. My eyes have turned milky. I can't see. As if they're covered by a veil of gauze. The same fabric that a wedding gown is made from...An unused dress...

Again, I have destroyed something so pure. Something that I know is so unobtainable to me. Maybe, after all these years, that person was right...I am not capable of being loved. I cant let these feelings just build up inside of me...I need to scream...loud and long. I hurt so bad. As if I am being torn into pieces. As if each limb is being ripped from my torso. 

Maybe if that was true, the pain inside of my heart wouldn't be as over powering. I have yet again, failed.

I am forever a failure. 

Not worth anything given to me. Not worth the sunshine I long for. 

Whats left of myself? What more do I have? I am so tired of feeling so tormented...of feeling so sad. I guess I asked for this. I begged for silence..I craved for quiet. But the things I ask for aren't always what I need. 

I have to stop bottling myself. Putting little pieces of myself into glass jars and sealing the lids. One day, I will wake up and there wont be a single piece of me left. No more me. That would make everything to much easier for everyone I have ever made drink my poison. They all eagerly drank it out of the pretty little cups I served it in...And I let it happen. I watched it happen. Sat there, emotionless, as they killed themselves with my toxins. 

Maybe I'm not real. Maybe I am just a ghost that sucks the life from people...and then I disappear....leaving my path littered with empty corpses of once proud and full of life people. I can bring the strongest person to their knees. 

And its shameful. 

I long for someone to sing me to sleep. 

-J.C.

Digging Deep Into The Elsewhere

Past few days, I have felt so open. Like there is something that is inside of me saying, "Wake up, J...it's here." 

What exactly IT is, is something that I cant answer fully. I just know that theres a gnawing inside of me that needs me to pay attention. 

FUCKING LISTEN!

Maybe its my longing for a move. I want out of here so bad. I know where I am wanted. I know where I want to be. I am not land locked and holding onto something that I know will never amount to anything. I feel like, without some drastic changes, life will always be at a stand still. I just want great things. I want to be happy. I want to feel like I belong. And I dont feel like that here...This place sucks me so dry. I just want change. I want new. I want pretty. I want.....warm.

My soul is screaming to get where it wants to be. My heart is literally beating out of my chest with anticipation and longing. What do I do now? Do i make choices on my own and never look back? Do I try to talk some sense into them? Do I just chew the bitter pill thats in my mouth and keep living this fake fucking life? Do I keep trying to rake the leaves out of my throat, only to be forced to swallow more?

 I cant live this way. I have dreams. I need to make these dreams happen....I need to live life the way I know it should be lived. 

I hate having all of this in my head. I hate feeling like I cant even talk about how the emotions inside of me are swirling and spiraling, full of colors and rage and sadness. When I close my eyes, all i see is reds, purples...a little bit of gold. It doesnt feel right and sometimes I feel more sick to my stomach then anything...I am NOT this weak person that I feel like I have been. I am strong, like stone. I am loud...I am opinionated....I am a Goddess. Why cant i just do what my heart is begging me to do? 

 I know what I have to do. I know. 

But why is it so fucking hard. 

I need to stand my ground. I need to just walk forward...NO turning back....I have to stop hiding the truth from everyone. 

I need to stand outside. I need to feel the cold May rain on my face...I need to feel the wind in my hair. I need to feel the ground beneath my feet...I have to face this. I need the earth around me to feel alive.

Just close your eyes, J...Hold on tight...the world will stop spinning if you plant your feet firm. 

I can make it. Ive done this before. I know the script. I know how this works. I know who I need to smile to... I know who can make me feel alive. I know how to breathe....

But for some reason...I am barely bringing any oxygen into my lungs. Ive felt like I have been suffocating for the past 9 days. 

I feel like I create this huge light around me. I feel like I emit this radiation of passion, love...devotion. But I have been searching for my own light...

...I feel like I am losing my magic...

Maybe thats what it feels like when your heart is nothing but dry kindling, waiting to be set afire. 

Maybe this is what it feels like to be bleeding from the inside out.

Maybe this is what it feels like to die.

Maybe this is what it feels like to have lost your light. 

Maybe...there is nothing left for me anywhere...maybe I am tapped out of life.

Have I done something wrong that I was cursed to have so much passion inside of me? Sometimes, I hate it. I hate being forced to see everything around me the way that I do.

Let me fly. Please. I beg you. Please. If you never ever listen to anything I ever say...please listen to this. I hurt inside...I hurt so bad that the water becomes more and more inviting. The silence of the final wave crashing over me might soothe my migraines. Please. Please.

Screaming for release, 

-J.C.

Obsessed

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8BJ-16TRI4

A Bitter Taste In My Mouth

The past couple of days I have had this gnawing feeling in my stomach that seems to be eating me from the inside...and trying to come out from the surface. I have been trying to focus on positive things...I have been trying to look forward to something better, but it seems like all this garbage comes up again and again. 

I posted something on Facebook the other day, and I am going to paste it here so you can all read it if you missed it: 

"I just read an article about Jessica Vega...the girl that had leukemia and people donated to let her have her dream wedding because she said she had less then a year to live. Turns out, it was all a scam to get money for the wedding. People donated thousands of dollars to this girl...and it was all a scheme. They even sent her and her new husband to Aruba for a honeymoon.
Now, this pisses me off so fucking hard...why? Because theres people like Adam and I who work SO hard to have the things we have. I have spent so much money already to buy things for our wedding and we STILL had to postpone it because it's just impossible to save that kind of money for our dream wedding, when theres nothing but bills we have to pay. We cant even afford to move in together and we have to put our entire life on hold because of these reasons.
Now, WHY in the fuck was it SO easy for this woman to scheme and scam SO much money to have a beautiful wedding, but companies wouldnt even blink twice to help to a couple like Adam and I? We want to have a beautiful wedding too, but we just cant come up with the money to have our own happy day. Dont two hard working people who love each other deserve a stunning wedding too?
Shes being held in county jail on all sorts of charges, but you know what? She will always have the memories of that fabulous wedding and her honeymoon to Aruba. But meanwhile, we STRUGGLE to put together a wedding thats a quarter of the size of the one she stole.
Maybe I am just bitter because people who are fucking flakes get to have such wonderful things....but people who word hard to have a nice life get shit on. I hope she feels like a butt hole for doing this...Because there are people who really ARE less fortunate that deserve that kind of wedding and kindness from companies. Shes just a lazy bitch who deserves everything that happens to her from now on out. Karma, mother fucker. Karma" 

So yeah, I guess thats one thing thats been kind of driving me insane. This bullshit is all we have been hearing on the news and its been all across all of the newspapers. Its ridiculous...I really think this girl is such a piece of shit for doing this...and it makes me so fucking mad that people who REALLY need help with their weddings cant receive it, but people who lie and cheat and steal can have everything they wanted? Fuck the system...and fuck her. I hope she gets raped in prison by butchy women with broom sticks....

And, I just found out today that my baby sister, Amber, got married. MARRIED?! She just turned 18 in January. I feel like I should have been the first to change my last name. After all, I am the older one, right? After all, I am the one thats planning a wedding...The one thats engaged....the one thats 25 years old. Am I jealous? Yes, maybe a little...But its so hard watching EVERYONE i know get married...and I am struggling to put together a wedding so I can marry the man i love. It fucking hurts. I feel like I am missing out on so much...like, Life has handed all these people beautiful gifts and I am the little kid in the corner that didnt get to pick from the grab bag.

But, I keep trying to tell myself, everything will fall into place...Good things come to those who wait...Patience is a virtue....Just relax....breathe Jayme....

When the stars are smiling down on people....please, dont forget about me.

Waiting for something drastic to happen,

-J.C.

History Repeats Itself

I am so sick and fucking tired of feeling alone. I hate it with every thing inside of me. I can lock myself up in my room and listen to music....write....like I used to, but it doesnt help anymore. I crave the wind in my hair. I crave the ocean round my ankles....the sand under my toes. I crave wings that work.

I cant beg harder then I already am for you to open your eyes and see the world around us. Just open them...Let the sunlight make your blue eyes sparkle. Just tell me you love me one more time. And mean it.

I dont want 'someone like you'......I want YOU.

I miss what it feels like to just sleep soundly. I get interrupted by the sound of waves inside of my head...Like they are calling to me. This sudden warm weather doesnt help. Do i want to be grounded? Or do I want to fly?

I know the answer to that....I want to fly, with you holding my hand. 

I just want to break the redundancy. I want to escape everything that comes my way. But, not alone. 

I used to be the girl who would sit alone for hours and hours and hours writing...Spilling out my entire thought process...but the stuff I write now doesnt make any sense and no one can understand it. They dont know what I am thinking anymore. Im not an open book like I used to be. I closed the door to The Elsewhere a long time ago. I am sorry that you weren't there when I was telling you I was drowning...And I am sorry that you dont have a key. Theres only one, and i wear it around my neck. Nothing is blooming in here anyway...you arnt missing much. But I am sorry that you feel like we have to speak to each other through a wall now....You should have grabbed my hand and had me pull you inside the gate when I told you I was shutting down. But you chose not to. You werent interested in coming inside. 

Why cant anyone fix me? Why do I have these fractured pieces of porcelain laying at my feet? Why is my painted smiled flaking off of my face? Why are my limbs slowly ceasing? Spiderwebs have made a home in my mouth. Mold has caked inside of my throat.

I felt this way only one other time...When I almost jumped off the bridge...to take on a watery demise.

I just need to dance my way back into your heart.

Kicking and screaming to stay alive,

-J.C.