History Repeats Itself

I am so sick and fucking tired of feeling alone. I hate it with every thing inside of me. I can lock myself up in my room and listen to music....write....like I used to, but it doesnt help anymore. I crave the wind in my hair. I crave the ocean round my ankles....the sand under my toes. I crave wings that work.

I cant beg harder then I already am for you to open your eyes and see the world around us. Just open them...Let the sunlight make your blue eyes sparkle. Just tell me you love me one more time. And mean it.

I dont want 'someone like you'......I want YOU.

I miss what it feels like to just sleep soundly. I get interrupted by the sound of waves inside of my head...Like they are calling to me. This sudden warm weather doesnt help. Do i want to be grounded? Or do I want to fly?

I know the answer to that....I want to fly, with you holding my hand. 

I just want to break the redundancy. I want to escape everything that comes my way. But, not alone. 

I used to be the girl who would sit alone for hours and hours and hours writing...Spilling out my entire thought process...but the stuff I write now doesnt make any sense and no one can understand it. They dont know what I am thinking anymore. Im not an open book like I used to be. I closed the door to The Elsewhere a long time ago. I am sorry that you weren't there when I was telling you I was drowning...And I am sorry that you dont have a key. Theres only one, and i wear it around my neck. Nothing is blooming in here anyway...you arnt missing much. But I am sorry that you feel like we have to speak to each other through a wall now....You should have grabbed my hand and had me pull you inside the gate when I told you I was shutting down. But you chose not to. You werent interested in coming inside. 

Why cant anyone fix me? Why do I have these fractured pieces of porcelain laying at my feet? Why is my painted smiled flaking off of my face? Why are my limbs slowly ceasing? Spiderwebs have made a home in my mouth. Mold has caked inside of my throat.

I felt this way only one other time...When I almost jumped off the bridge...to take on a watery demise.

I just need to dance my way back into your heart.

Kicking and screaming to stay alive,

-J.C.