She Is Bereaved As She Forces Screams Through The Gale

I do believe my poisoned heart is still beating...reluctantly.....struggling in opposition to keep any sort of rhythm. 

Many many moons ago, someone who I thought would always hold me up and be my rock, left. He said I was the brightest star in his sky....and then he walked out on one dark night. I cried, and fought...I screamed and kicked. 

I begged.  "Daddy, please don't leave us." But he pulled out of my grasp from around his ankle and kicked me away from him....like I was disgusting to him.

And as I lay there, my heart split right down the middle. I lost all faith in having normality...Having a family. Having "Dad" to call me their princess...to have "Dad" tell me he will always be there for me whenever I needed him....

It took me almost 7 years to stop crying over having another failed family. That wasn't the first time. 

It was the 3rd.

Then a shadow from someone I knew my entire life waltzed on to the path of my very beautiful and loving Mama. She welcomed him with open arms and an open heart. He was her best friend...He was her life's song...her heart's beat...Everything was perfect. Everything started to feel normal...like he belonged with us. Like he was always and forever a part of our life...

He showed me so many awesome things. We had so much in common...We went on many different adventures. He danced with me for my father/daughter dance at my wedding...He cried when I said my vows...He was supposed to be the Grandfather to my children...He was supposed to grow old with my Mama. 

Then the winds changed. They were blowing one way....now they're blowing completely backwards. Something happened to cause what I thought was indestructible, to shatter into a million pieces that spider webbed across my heart. It was like the coldness he was emitting had caused the heart that was shuddering in my chest to stop. Slow moving hair line fractures started creeping up from the bottom of it...As if it was a piece of ice that started to crack. 

What is happening? WHY is this happening? What did I do for him to not want to keep his promises? Am I not what he always told me I was? Am I a horrible person? Is there something wrong with me? How can this happen...again?

You said you would be there to guide me when trouble walks beside me.

You said if I needed you to just call your name.

You said if I missed you...You would be there. 

.......And all I am getting in return is my own echo screaming back at me as I call your name in the wind....

"Daddy, please don't leave us."

 This hurt is beyond something I never felt before...even more so then when I was kicked away all those years ago.

Failed Family Number 4.

It just hurts...and I am not sure how many moons this one is going to last for. 

Longing to run and to never look back,

-J.C.

I Must Be The Asshole Here

I have always tried to be someone who watched out for others…tried to be the one that people could go to. But eventually, even if you give your everything, you always end up getting shit on. I have never felt so much hurt from one person as I have last month.  It’s been like; everything flipped over and was stepped on and destroyed, in one instant. But even though, I continue trying…either to make conversation or whatever the case may be, it isn’t enough. It never will be enough. It makes me wonder if it was EVER enough. I am done trying. I am moving onward with my life now…No more allowing myself to get hurt over and over and punished over and over. I tried, so now I will bow out with grace and honor because that’s what I have. Not playing these games with people anymore. Not playing the he said she said, what goes around comes around nonsense anymore. You don’t want to include me in your life, than I am done including you in mine. Done.

And like I said, moving on…….

Wedding is in 5 months!  157 days actually!!! Gah! I can’t believe it is almost here. I have been working so hard to get everything ready and done. There is still SOO much stuff that we have to do.  But everyone keeps telling me one thing at a time. I would be able to take on one thing at a time if people would stop dicking around. I would be able to do things, one at a time, if the people who are SUPPOSED to be helping me…were around. The biggest obstacle hasn’t been planning or coming up with ideas for things. The biggest challenge has been trying to get all of the bridesmaids on the same page. It is been an issue trying to hang out with these girls. I have seen Shana once since we started planning stuff. I haven’t seen Amanda, since the dress measurements. Bethany started a new job that she travels for…Dawn, well…she is around lol.   Aja isn’t even an issue anymore because she bailed out of the wedding.  I don’t understand why it is SO hard to get people to want to see me, do things for this wedding that THEY said yes to being in,  Or whatever the fuck. I am getting soooo irritated by everyone that it has gotten to the point where I feel like I don’t need to involve anyone in anything regarding this wedding anymore. I will and probably could just do it myself.

But If I cut people out….I am being the selfish one. I am being the bridezilla and I am pushing everyone away……     –rolls eyes-     It never fucking ends.

Wish someone would just make this shit a little easier.

Waiting on some answers,

-J.C.

Forced Fragility Turned Fire Flight

Months have flew by, again. Just flew. Where did the time go? I feel like I have been holding my breath all this time. Have I just been frozen in time.... like the days have become?  I am getting sick of this weather by the way. I miss the green in my Elsewhere. 

A lot has happened...........................

Was I sacrificing myself for someone who wasnt worth my sorrow? Was I crying for someone who didnt deserve my tears? Was I always bleeding for someone who didnt want my blood? ....I was.....So much for living for someone who wasnt even living for themselves. It felt like all of my bones were broken...He was turning all of my dreams to dust. It was like, he didnt believe in the places I went to when I was sleeping or writing....It felt like he was devouring my soul.....Was Adam doing those things to me on purpose? Was he slowly trying to kill me or was he waiting for me to take my own life. He almost won. He almost had my blood on his hands. I almost did it. Almost went for a very cold, very dark swim. I cant believe I havent admitted that, until just now. Please dont judge me. Please dont hate me for almost making that choice. It is just easier to run.......I would have taken all that shame to my grave.

So much has changed over the past 9 months. I am no longer beaten down and bruised.

I had a strange journey down a path that I tucked into the back of my mind for almost a decade. I was lost. Screaming. He found me. Again. He pulled me into his arms on one dark spring night and held me. Close. I looked up into his eyes, the eyes I have always know...and I felt safe. He is real. I was shown the way to live. After all this time, I am able to sleep at night. The Dreams only plagued me every so often. Maybe I am not as broken as I always thought, or maybe I just was able to be fixed. I believe in the Elsewhere again. I believe that I am worth everything that Erich gives me. Why did I wait so long? Why couldnt I get off of my knees? Why couldnt I find the way to breathe sooner?? I am not perfect....but in His eyes, I am. He is the one that has always caught all of my tears. The reason has always been Him. But I was bound. Wrapped into something I never ever want to feel again. 

I didnt replace anything if thats what you are wondering. There isnt a way to "replace" something that was always there. Nothing was able to keep us away from each other and thats all that matters. No one ever could take away what we have always had. I was just filling in the void when He wasnt able to wrap me into his world. It took so long. I waited for a long time. I cried, a lot. but just knowing that he will always be there when my next chapter begins....it is a feeling that I wish everyone can feel one day. 

Satisfied. Happy. The first time I have felt alive.....in years.

And in only a few short months, I will be walking down an aisle to meet Him in matrimony...I am going to grant Him my body and soul.....I will take His last name and honor it with everything that I have inside of me.....I will give Him my vows that will last a lifetime. I should have done this years ago. But I find it absolutely amazing that we basically picked up right where we left off. He fell in love with me once......and then, 10 years later....He did it again. He woke me up. Saved me.  

From myself. 

And for that I owe Him my life.

I love you. Until the last beat of my heart.

Until next time, 

-J.C.

The Dawn Of A New Era

Today is the second day of my 9 days straight of work. I dont have a day off until the 11th of this month. This place fucking kills me. I am just hoping that its all worth it in the end...Working myself to utter exhaustion. I really need my car...I really need for this to happen, sooner then later. I really hate having to rely on people for shit like, taking me to and from work...or if i want to go somewhere or get something to eat...I have to ask and rely on someone to help me out. I am just done feeling so useless when it comes to this sort of thing. I am so done being  burden to every one.

I just cant wait. Im so anxious. But its not all hope and stuff. Some times, i feel like this will never happen for me. I'll never have my own car...I should be used to this kind of thing...not getting what I want and having to struggle for everything. I am just so tired and its only day 2 of 9.

Aja is getting married on the 27th. I seriously cant believe she is getting married before me. Everyone in high school always said that i would be the one that was married and had kids first...and in actuality...I am DEAD LAST. It stings a little. It really does. I am trying to get out of the circle of suck so hard...so I can build a life...So I can be proud of the person I am instead of feeling disappointment whenever i look in the mirror. I have barely any accomplishments to mark my belt off with. Even though I am extremely jealous....I am happy for Aja. She deserves to find happiness and be treated right. And I believe she has found that. 

Anyway...the wedding is on the 27th....and i will keep everyone updated as the clock ticks nearer...and ill post pictures. I am helping Audrey lead the ceremony...and I am super excited. Lets see if i can keep my tears under wraps. 

Thats all for now...

Hoping this entry is the start of a new leaf...

-J.C.

I Am The Song No One Sings

It's overcast outside. We don't need more rain. I don't need any more rain. I need sunshine. My skin feels like it's just so water logged...and it will start peeling away from my broken bones...and it will soon hang off in ribbons. My eyes have turned milky. I can't see. As if they're covered by a veil of gauze. The same fabric that a wedding gown is made from...An unused dress...

Again, I have destroyed something so pure. Something that I know is so unobtainable to me. Maybe, after all these years, that person was right...I am not capable of being loved. I cant let these feelings just build up inside of me...I need to scream...loud and long. I hurt so bad. As if I am being torn into pieces. As if each limb is being ripped from my torso. 

Maybe if that was true, the pain inside of my heart wouldn't be as over powering. I have yet again, failed.

I am forever a failure. 

Not worth anything given to me. Not worth the sunshine I long for. 

Whats left of myself? What more do I have? I am so tired of feeling so tormented...of feeling so sad. I guess I asked for this. I begged for silence..I craved for quiet. But the things I ask for aren't always what I need. 

I have to stop bottling myself. Putting little pieces of myself into glass jars and sealing the lids. One day, I will wake up and there wont be a single piece of me left. No more me. That would make everything to much easier for everyone I have ever made drink my poison. They all eagerly drank it out of the pretty little cups I served it in...And I let it happen. I watched it happen. Sat there, emotionless, as they killed themselves with my toxins. 

Maybe I'm not real. Maybe I am just a ghost that sucks the life from people...and then I disappear....leaving my path littered with empty corpses of once proud and full of life people. I can bring the strongest person to their knees. 

And its shameful. 

I long for someone to sing me to sleep. 

-J.C.

Digging Deep Into The Elsewhere

Past few days, I have felt so open. Like there is something that is inside of me saying, "Wake up, J...it's here." 

What exactly IT is, is something that I cant answer fully. I just know that theres a gnawing inside of me that needs me to pay attention. 

FUCKING LISTEN!

Maybe its my longing for a move. I want out of here so bad. I know where I am wanted. I know where I want to be. I am not land locked and holding onto something that I know will never amount to anything. I feel like, without some drastic changes, life will always be at a stand still. I just want great things. I want to be happy. I want to feel like I belong. And I dont feel like that here...This place sucks me so dry. I just want change. I want new. I want pretty. I want.....warm.

My soul is screaming to get where it wants to be. My heart is literally beating out of my chest with anticipation and longing. What do I do now? Do i make choices on my own and never look back? Do I try to talk some sense into them? Do I just chew the bitter pill thats in my mouth and keep living this fake fucking life? Do I keep trying to rake the leaves out of my throat, only to be forced to swallow more?

 I cant live this way. I have dreams. I need to make these dreams happen....I need to live life the way I know it should be lived. 

I hate having all of this in my head. I hate feeling like I cant even talk about how the emotions inside of me are swirling and spiraling, full of colors and rage and sadness. When I close my eyes, all i see is reds, purples...a little bit of gold. It doesnt feel right and sometimes I feel more sick to my stomach then anything...I am NOT this weak person that I feel like I have been. I am strong, like stone. I am loud...I am opinionated....I am a Goddess. Why cant i just do what my heart is begging me to do? 

 I know what I have to do. I know. 

But why is it so fucking hard. 

I need to stand my ground. I need to just walk forward...NO turning back....I have to stop hiding the truth from everyone. 

I need to stand outside. I need to feel the cold May rain on my face...I need to feel the wind in my hair. I need to feel the ground beneath my feet...I have to face this. I need the earth around me to feel alive.

Just close your eyes, J...Hold on tight...the world will stop spinning if you plant your feet firm. 

I can make it. Ive done this before. I know the script. I know how this works. I know who I need to smile to... I know who can make me feel alive. I know how to breathe....

But for some reason...I am barely bringing any oxygen into my lungs. Ive felt like I have been suffocating for the past 9 days. 

I feel like I create this huge light around me. I feel like I emit this radiation of passion, love...devotion. But I have been searching for my own light...

...I feel like I am losing my magic...

Maybe thats what it feels like when your heart is nothing but dry kindling, waiting to be set afire. 

Maybe this is what it feels like to be bleeding from the inside out.

Maybe this is what it feels like to die.

Maybe this is what it feels like to have lost your light. 

Maybe...there is nothing left for me anywhere...maybe I am tapped out of life.

Have I done something wrong that I was cursed to have so much passion inside of me? Sometimes, I hate it. I hate being forced to see everything around me the way that I do.

Let me fly. Please. I beg you. Please. If you never ever listen to anything I ever say...please listen to this. I hurt inside...I hurt so bad that the water becomes more and more inviting. The silence of the final wave crashing over me might soothe my migraines. Please. Please.

Screaming for release, 

-J.C.

Obsessed

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8BJ-16TRI4