But I have been breathing. Deep Shallow breaths...But I am alive.
The time of year has come again...the Christmas tree is standing and sparkling in the living room, all the presents are wrapped and embrace the tree with their cheerful colors, and everyone seems to have lost their fucking minds. Everywhere I go, people look stressed out...or maybe it's because they havent slept enough....I see it everyday while I am working. This season is NOT supposed to have that kind of overwhelmed feeling. Its supposed to be full of joy...happiness....What is wrong with people?
But on a different note, It has been a little while since I have written anything. I guess I should update?
I got a promotion at work. They asked me to be a key holder...This means I would have to learn all of the opening paper work, open the store alone at 4:30 AM every other weekend and control the flow of things beings I would be the only "MOD" most mornings. Also, I will be going back to school to get my Nursing degree sometime this winter. Adam thinks I shouldn't take this promotion beings the raise is only going to bring my hourly pay close to 10$ and because my stress level about my job is off the charts now, he believes that once I start school again, I am not going to want to be bothered with the managerial duties at work. It's just too much stress he told me.
And truth be told....It would be absolutely ridiculous with the amount of stress I would be feeling. BUT...I believe that if I take this promotion now, finish school and clinicals, I can be making Ok money while I look for a hospital that will accept my application for employment.
I just want the best for our future. I want to do anything and everything I can so I can to prove to the world that I deserve the best. If a little bit more stress is the only bad that will come out of having a better life....then so be it. I am young and strong...I can do this. I deserve this. I have struggled my ENTIRE life...what's a bit more struggling, knowing that at the end of it....I will be greatly rewarded? Point proven.
Also, I have been slowly buying things for the wedding...Little bit here, little bit there...Because that is the way I have to do it. I dont have anyone that is going to help Adam and I have a beautiful wedding, so we have to do it ourselves completely and fully. It's making me more and more excited as each package arrives at the house. And as they arrive, I begin thinking to myself...This is really going to happen and its going to be beautiful. These little packages are more motivation for me to take this promotion and go to school at the same time....stress or not, This is just one of those things that I just have to do.
I am so0o tired of having a lackluster life. I want to sparkle and shine. I want to be the very very best that I can be. I want to be able to provide for the family I crave to have.
And just knowing, when I write a blog this close to Christmas next year.....I will be a Wife.
And just thinking that....My chest explodes with butterflies.
Settling down into the silence of the snow in The Elsewhere,
-J.C.
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