Here I sit....4 in the morning...wondering what the fuck I am doing. Nothing seems real...every voice seems like it is in the distance. I feel ugly again...abandoned... Was I not good enough? Did I do something to deserve the static in my head this time? After all these years of dishing out poison, was it my turn to take the sip?
I cant sleep. I tried...
I feel like everything is shutting down...my entire body has given up on me. Everything always gives up on me. There has been new pain inside of me. Something I cant put my finger on...but doubles me over in agony. I don't want you to tell me to go to the Doctor....I want you to take me there, holding my hand and comforting me..... wrapping me into you like you used to......
The nightmares have gotten worse, so maybe I should be thankful they don't plague me tonight. Then again, maybe the demons that visit me in my dreams are being put there so I cant tell what is real or fake anymore. Something has to break....and it might as well be me.
I sat outside before...one more cigarette before bed, I told myself....when the fire hit filter...I was still staring up at the stars. I long to be among them...flying high in the black velvet of the sky...or maybe I just want to be one of them. But even stars burn out then shoot across the sky...their streak of tail saying it's final goodbye.......maybe someone would make a wish on me as I turned into ash.
I wish.....I wish.......
I wish things were back to normal. I'd wish for the simple life we once had... of love and happiness....laughing and gentle kisses....I'd wish we were back in the apartment, just us.........those were the happiest moments, after all. I'd wish for silence in my head....wish for blindness behind my eye lids. I would wish for the happily ever after I thought was Ours. I would wish to turn back time. I would wish for soft embraces and your fingers in my hair....I wish I could stop crying....
I wish.....I wish....
What is going to happen to me? To Us? How do I come back from all of this pain? Do I move forward, one step at a time or do I give in to how weak and alone I feel?
I just want to be folded up into his ribcage....where I can feel safe, just for a little while. I want those eyes....the color of the sea after a storm....to give me that calmness....His hand on my cheek...brushing away the tear drops with a thumb. I want to hear him say my name...
The demons in my head are calling me back to sleep... Do I listen?
The stardust is making me blind while it is pouring from my eyes,
-J.C.
:-(
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