So here I sit, 18 days away from being married for 9 months...and everything has crashed into a pile of broken glass and burned belongings. All I have been breathing in is ash and embers and my lungs are filled to the brim with refuse.
The Elsewhere has been nothing but a storm, raging all around me. No matter where I turn, another lightening bolt stops me from moving forward. The wind has been whipping me and throwing me into the rose bushes, which stab and prick every inch of my flesh. These once beautiful blooms have died and are decaying. I have once again, lost everything I held to my heart.
I am not going to go into what happened via internet blog...but for those of you who know me personally, already know the trauma that was thrown into my face this past Thursday. And please, before you write me off as "OK".....please know, I am not.
I feel nothing inside of me but anger, hate and rage. I would rather be spilling blood then sitting her writing...but because I have remained calm for these past 6 days, I see no point in flipping everyone's world upside down. But, I will....if provoked anymore. I will come for your throat. I feel like that is the only thing that will soothe the rage in me anyway....I am a destroyer. Destroy to be destroyed, right? Eye for an eye?? We shall see what happens the next time something like this will be spit into my face.........
I seriously mean it when i say....and i am not being dramatic at ALL, I am BEYOND broken. Everything that I was, and everything that I give was just all taken for granted and I was betrayed. Stabbed in the back by someone who was supposed to be protecting me. I guess I should never stand back to back with someone anymore.....it makes it easier for them to slide the knife in between my ribs. I was used.....a cut flower left in the sun to die and wither away.
I knew this shit was going on when I was writing my last blog....if you go back and reread it....I knew. I knew deep within my soul that this was happening, right under my nose....in my own house.....with the man I was in love with and my own flesh and blood.....I fucking knew it. But the proof was in the pudding....and I had to just see it for myself, I guess. Living in denial is sometimes so much easier....
....You don't forget how to breathe when you're just saying...."No no no.....they wouldn't do that to me.....after everything him and I have gone through and the love we share.........She respects me more then that....no no no......"
Sweet Goddess, was I fucking wrong. Turned out exactly how I thought it would. Lies covered by more lies.....on top of more lies and then add in the delusional child dreams.....and you have a fucking mess. More mess then the amount of burned shit in the fire pit....That was a mess...and smelled like dirty fucking whore. But, that is one of the ways I purge filth.... That is one way I take our the trash. Everything you ever had, gone....
I don't really know how to bounce back from this. I know, if this is what I choose to do, it is going to take A LOT of time....and he will have to win every piece of my heart back. I guess that is where I am at now....stuck between pain and more pain. Suffering through the images behind my eyes....the thoughts in my head.....
I haven't really eaten since last Wednesday. My stomach is FUCKED. Anything I try to put in there comes right back up. I cried myself to sleep, 2 nights in a row....and my "Protector" couldn't even comfort me. My "Best friend" couldnt even put his arm around me and tell me it was ok and he was so very sorry..... So what do I do??? .......
If you can hear me....please tell me what to do. If you can hear me....come to me and wrap your arms around me....let me cry on your shoulder. Let me hit you and scream. If you can hear me..........
......save me.
With a kiss made out of cinders,
-J.C.
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