Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Honesty, In A Nutshell.

Tonight I cried. 

My tears fell and i didnt wipe them away because the way they stung my cheeks felt good. They came in torrents...my shoulders shook...they matted my hair...i wrung my hands in desperation. 
I sat for about a hour and let them pour out of me. Then it turned to sobbing...I lay in my bed, fetal position, clutching a giraffe plushy...I smelled roses. And the waterfall of tears began again. 

Why is this so hard for me? Being something amazing...something perfect...

As I moved from my bed to the floor, my hysterics gave me hiccups. I dragged myself to the corner, leaned my back against the wall and rocked...and hiccuped...I felt like i was losing everything. Like I had just spit in my best friends face. No matter what I give, it is never ever enough...I can give someone every inch of myself...and they laugh at me. I can open my soul...and they turn away to find something different...better. 

I dont want to be the selfish little girl that I used to be so many years ago when all i did was pray to have a new life. I just want everything to be perfect...beautiful. Happy. 

Whats wrong with me? There has to be something wrong with me...

I can smell roses again...


Destroying innocence, 
-J.C.

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