Shallow Water

Nothing matters when the one you love is fighting with you. Nothing. Not the pain in your side, not the taste of blood in your mouth, not the way your lips are numb...nothing. 

All you want to do is curl up in fetal position and cry yourself into a sleep where you dont dream so there is just silence. Silence that resembles the quiet of a snow storm. Soft, colorless...and silent.

There is nothing worse then the way it feels when you watch them leave after an argument. The feeling of uncertainty...you become tired all of a sudden and weak...your stomach turns and retches bile into your throat...Cold sweats followed by the shakes. Sometimes tears comes, sometimes your face aches too much and they burn your cheeks, sometimes there isnt tears at all...All dried up...

Then after the hurt and sad pass, anger swells...You clench your fists until your knuckles turn white...You bite your tongue until blood pours from your lips...you say things you know you shouldnt be saying but because all you see is red, they spew out of your mouth like hot venom that burns your lovers soul with every syllable. But you dont have any feelings right now...just anger and disgust...so you proceed to throw up word vomit.

Its just not a nice feeling...and I am sure many of you have felt the same way I do right now. Just so overwhelmed by the fact that someone can just walk away from you and not tell you they love you...just because they are pissed off there was a disagreement. What if I died in my sleep...and the last thing you remember is leaving me sitting at a table, in a white dress...and not telling me Goodnight and you loved me before you left...That image would haunt you for the rest of your life. The woman you love would be gone, and you would never be able to tell her you loved her ever again...

There would be forever regret.

I would be a bride that never made it to say her vows...I hope they would bury me in a wedding gown...with flowers in my hair. 

This is me just being dramatic...I am sad and this kind of thing happens when I get hurt. 

I am going to bed...going to cry myself to sleep, where I dont dream... just so there is silence. 

Soft, colorless...and silent...like a snow storm.

Trying to tune out the ringing in my ears, 

-J.C.