The Demons of 4AM Come To Torture

Here I sit....4 in the morning...wondering what the fuck I am doing. Nothing seems real...every voice seems like it is in the distance. I feel ugly again...abandoned... Was I not good enough? Did I do something to deserve the static in my head this time? After all these years of dishing out poison, was it my turn to take the sip?

I cant sleep. I tried...

I feel like everything is shutting down...my entire body has given up on me. Everything always gives up on me. There has been new pain inside of me. Something I cant put my finger on...but doubles me over in agony. I don't want you to tell me to go to the Doctor....I want you to take me there, holding my hand and comforting me..... wrapping me into you like you used to......

The nightmares have gotten worse, so maybe I should be thankful they don't plague me tonight. Then again, maybe the demons that visit me in my dreams are being put there so I cant tell what is real or fake anymore. Something has to break....and it might as well be me. 

I sat outside before...one more cigarette before bed, I told myself....when the fire hit filter...I was still staring up at the stars. I long to be among them...flying high in the black velvet of the sky...or maybe I just want to be one of them. But even stars burn out then shoot across the sky...their streak of tail saying it's final goodbye.......maybe someone would make a wish on me as I turned into ash.

I wish.....I wish.......

I wish things were back to normal. I'd wish for the simple life we once had... of love and happiness....laughing and gentle kisses....I'd wish we were back in the apartment, just us.........those were the happiest moments, after all. I'd wish for silence in my head....wish for blindness behind my eye lids. I would wish for the happily ever after I thought was Ours. I would wish to turn back time. I would wish for soft embraces and your fingers in my hair....I wish I could stop crying....

I wish.....I wish....

What is going to happen to me? To Us? How do I come back from all of this pain? Do I move forward, one step at a time or do I give in to how weak and alone I feel? 

I just want to be folded up into his ribcage....where I can feel safe, just for a little while. I want those eyes....the color of the sea after a storm....to give me that calmness....His hand on my cheek...brushing away the tear drops with a thumb. I want to hear him say my name...

The demons in my head are calling me back to sleep... Do I listen?

The stardust is making me blind while it is pouring from my eyes,

-J.C.

A Blueprint For Disorder

So here I sit, 18 days away from being married for 9 months...and everything has crashed into a pile of broken glass and burned belongings. All I have been breathing in is ash and embers and my lungs are filled to the brim with refuse.

The Elsewhere has been nothing but a storm, raging all around me. No matter where I turn, another lightening bolt stops me from moving forward. The wind has been whipping me and throwing me into the rose bushes, which stab and prick every inch of my flesh. These once beautiful blooms have died and are decaying. I have once again, lost everything I held to my heart. 

I am not going to go into what happened via internet blog...but for those of you who know me personally, already know the trauma that was thrown into my face this past Thursday. And please, before you write me off as "OK".....please know, I am not. 

I feel nothing inside of me but anger, hate and rage. I would rather be spilling blood then sitting her writing...but because I have remained calm for these past 6 days, I see no point in flipping everyone's world upside down.  But, I will....if provoked anymore. I will come for your throat. I feel like that is the only thing that will soothe the rage in me anyway....I am a destroyer. Destroy to be destroyed, right? Eye for an eye?? We shall see what happens the next time something like this will be spit into my face.........

I seriously mean it when i say....and i am not being dramatic at ALL, I am BEYOND broken. Everything that I was, and everything that I give was just all taken for granted and I was betrayed. Stabbed in the back by someone who was supposed to be protecting me. I guess I should never stand back to back with someone anymore.....it makes it easier for them to slide the knife in between my ribs. I was used.....a cut flower left in the sun to die and wither away. 

I knew this shit was going on when I was writing my last blog....if you go back and reread it....I knew. I knew deep within my soul that this was happening, right under my nose....in my own house.....with the man I was in love with and my own flesh and blood.....I fucking knew it. But the proof was in the pudding....and I had to just see it for myself, I guess. Living in denial is sometimes so much easier....

....You don't forget how to breathe when you're just saying...."No no no.....they wouldn't do that to me.....after everything him and I have gone through and the love we share.........She respects me more then that....no no no......"

Sweet Goddess, was I fucking wrong. Turned out exactly how I thought it would. Lies covered by more lies.....on top of more lies and then add in the delusional child dreams.....and you have a fucking mess. More mess then the amount of burned shit in the fire pit....That was a mess...and smelled like dirty fucking whore. But, that is one of the ways I purge filth.... That is one way I take our the trash. Everything you ever had, gone....

I don't really know how to bounce back from this. I know, if this is what I choose to do, it is going to take A LOT of time....and he will have to win every piece of my heart back. I guess that is where I am at now....stuck between pain and more pain. Suffering through the images behind my eyes....the thoughts in my head..... 

I haven't really eaten since last Wednesday. My stomach is FUCKED. Anything I try to put in there comes right back up. I cried myself to sleep, 2 nights in a row....and my "Protector" couldn't even comfort me. My "Best friend" couldnt even put his arm around me and tell me it was ok and he was so very sorry..... So what do I do??? ....... 

If you can hear me....please tell me what to do. If you can hear me....come to me and wrap your arms around me....let me cry on your shoulder. Let me hit you and scream. If you can hear me..........

......save me. 

With a kiss made out of cinders,

-J.C.

The Air Around Me Still Feels Like A Cage

Through the years of myself, I have felt love and have lost love. But there was only one thing that remained the same...I was never worthy to feel it. I never deserved it. Someone told me a long, long time ago that there would never be anyone who would or could love me. They said I was like a tiny fragment of a piece of broken glass and as time went on, then I would spider web out of control and destroy everyone around me, including myself. I didnt believe him. I refused to think that someone, like me, could ever be out of control. I was just a silent breeze on the summer night...yes, I was slightly broken, but I always promised myself that I would never let go. I was never going to listen to that shit. 

Slowly, as time wore on, I noticed that the poison I inflicted onto people was just my way of gaining control. I just wanted control...I didn't try for that once in a life time happily ever after because I always knew, deep within my skin, how it would end up. How I would hurt them. I knew, the whole time, even through the tainted and broken I love you's, what the outcome would be. 

So, I just floated, like a silent summer breeze at night. In and out of people's lives. Like a ghost who didn't see the light. 

I think I became something I swore all of those years ago I wouldn't become. I am pretty sure I have lost something so very precious to me. I think I am without the love of someone who was supposed to stand by my side through everything. I think I have turned something so beautiful into something very ugly and full of hate. But, I cant think if I have ever done anything to make it become this. I dont think I the spilled the poison into his lungs, like I did to all the rest. I sat quiet when I should have argued and fought for what was right. 

I think I have lost myself. I think....i think.....i think.....

That is all I have been doing is thinking...Because I cant feel him anymore. I cant remember what it feels like to really feel his lips on mine with the fire of passion we used to share. Come to think of it, it has been so long that I dont recall what it feels like to feel actually.... loved. 

Was I ever really loved or was it another one of those dreams where I wake up in a cold sweat and barely able to breathe? Was it another one of the charades I put myself into so I could stop feeling pain? Was I in the Elsewhere, living my fantasy? Did I conjure this all up to quiet the static in my head? Is this all make believe........?

I feel as if I ate my own fucking poison apple. I took a bite of the decay I was so used to feeding other people. I poured anguish into pretty china and set them in front of my conquests....but right now, I am getting a taste of my own bitter potion. I didnt realize it left such a lump in your stomach......

.....Or maybe thats from me not eating. Welcome home disorder....I have missed you. The gnawing in my body keeps me company. And calms me when I scream "SHUT THE FUCK UP" at it. The gnaw is my friend. The only thing thats ever felt like home to me. Hopefully I will slip away unnoticed. Or maybe become something he can love...I already dyed my hair because thats what he prefers....hoping he could see me if I was something he liked. 

What do I do? How can I start over when he was supposed to me the chapter of my book that made readers finally able to relax after all the turmoil I have been through. He was supposed to keep me safe. He was supposed to be it for me. You are it for me. You are it for me. You are it for me. 

Theres much left unsaid, 

-J.C.

She Is Bereaved As She Forces Screams Through The Gale

I do believe my poisoned heart is still beating...reluctantly.....struggling in opposition to keep any sort of rhythm. 

Many many moons ago, someone who I thought would always hold me up and be my rock, left. He said I was the brightest star in his sky....and then he walked out on one dark night. I cried, and fought...I screamed and kicked. 

I begged.  "Daddy, please don't leave us." But he pulled out of my grasp from around his ankle and kicked me away from him....like I was disgusting to him.

And as I lay there, my heart split right down the middle. I lost all faith in having normality...Having a family. Having "Dad" to call me their princess...to have "Dad" tell me he will always be there for me whenever I needed him....

It took me almost 7 years to stop crying over having another failed family. That wasn't the first time. 

It was the 3rd.

Then a shadow from someone I knew my entire life waltzed on to the path of my very beautiful and loving Mama. She welcomed him with open arms and an open heart. He was her best friend...He was her life's song...her heart's beat...Everything was perfect. Everything started to feel normal...like he belonged with us. Like he was always and forever a part of our life...

He showed me so many awesome things. We had so much in common...We went on many different adventures. He danced with me for my father/daughter dance at my wedding...He cried when I said my vows...He was supposed to be the Grandfather to my children...He was supposed to grow old with my Mama. 

Then the winds changed. They were blowing one way....now they're blowing completely backwards. Something happened to cause what I thought was indestructible, to shatter into a million pieces that spider webbed across my heart. It was like the coldness he was emitting had caused the heart that was shuddering in my chest to stop. Slow moving hair line fractures started creeping up from the bottom of it...As if it was a piece of ice that started to crack. 

What is happening? WHY is this happening? What did I do for him to not want to keep his promises? Am I not what he always told me I was? Am I a horrible person? Is there something wrong with me? How can this happen...again?

You said you would be there to guide me when trouble walks beside me.

You said if I needed you to just call your name.

You said if I missed you...You would be there. 

.......And all I am getting in return is my own echo screaming back at me as I call your name in the wind....

"Daddy, please don't leave us."

 This hurt is beyond something I never felt before...even more so then when I was kicked away all those years ago.

Failed Family Number 4.

It just hurts...and I am not sure how many moons this one is going to last for. 

Longing to run and to never look back,

-J.C.

I Must Be The Asshole Here

I have always tried to be someone who watched out for others…tried to be the one that people could go to. But eventually, even if you give your everything, you always end up getting shit on. I have never felt so much hurt from one person as I have last month.  It’s been like; everything flipped over and was stepped on and destroyed, in one instant. But even though, I continue trying…either to make conversation or whatever the case may be, it isn’t enough. It never will be enough. It makes me wonder if it was EVER enough. I am done trying. I am moving onward with my life now…No more allowing myself to get hurt over and over and punished over and over. I tried, so now I will bow out with grace and honor because that’s what I have. Not playing these games with people anymore. Not playing the he said she said, what goes around comes around nonsense anymore. You don’t want to include me in your life, than I am done including you in mine. Done.

And like I said, moving on…….

Wedding is in 5 months!  157 days actually!!! Gah! I can’t believe it is almost here. I have been working so hard to get everything ready and done. There is still SOO much stuff that we have to do.  But everyone keeps telling me one thing at a time. I would be able to take on one thing at a time if people would stop dicking around. I would be able to do things, one at a time, if the people who are SUPPOSED to be helping me…were around. The biggest obstacle hasn’t been planning or coming up with ideas for things. The biggest challenge has been trying to get all of the bridesmaids on the same page. It is been an issue trying to hang out with these girls. I have seen Shana once since we started planning stuff. I haven’t seen Amanda, since the dress measurements. Bethany started a new job that she travels for…Dawn, well…she is around lol.   Aja isn’t even an issue anymore because she bailed out of the wedding.  I don’t understand why it is SO hard to get people to want to see me, do things for this wedding that THEY said yes to being in,  Or whatever the fuck. I am getting soooo irritated by everyone that it has gotten to the point where I feel like I don’t need to involve anyone in anything regarding this wedding anymore. I will and probably could just do it myself.

But If I cut people out….I am being the selfish one. I am being the bridezilla and I am pushing everyone away……     –rolls eyes-     It never fucking ends.

Wish someone would just make this shit a little easier.

Waiting on some answers,

-J.C.

Forced Fragility Turned Fire Flight

Months have flew by, again. Just flew. Where did the time go? I feel like I have been holding my breath all this time. Have I just been frozen in time.... like the days have become?  I am getting sick of this weather by the way. I miss the green in my Elsewhere. 

A lot has happened...........................

Was I sacrificing myself for someone who wasnt worth my sorrow? Was I crying for someone who didnt deserve my tears? Was I always bleeding for someone who didnt want my blood? ....I was.....So much for living for someone who wasnt even living for themselves. It felt like all of my bones were broken...He was turning all of my dreams to dust. It was like, he didnt believe in the places I went to when I was sleeping or writing....It felt like he was devouring my soul.....Was Adam doing those things to me on purpose? Was he slowly trying to kill me or was he waiting for me to take my own life. He almost won. He almost had my blood on his hands. I almost did it. Almost went for a very cold, very dark swim. I cant believe I havent admitted that, until just now. Please dont judge me. Please dont hate me for almost making that choice. It is just easier to run.......I would have taken all that shame to my grave.

So much has changed over the past 9 months. I am no longer beaten down and bruised.

I had a strange journey down a path that I tucked into the back of my mind for almost a decade. I was lost. Screaming. He found me. Again. He pulled me into his arms on one dark spring night and held me. Close. I looked up into his eyes, the eyes I have always know...and I felt safe. He is real. I was shown the way to live. After all this time, I am able to sleep at night. The Dreams only plagued me every so often. Maybe I am not as broken as I always thought, or maybe I just was able to be fixed. I believe in the Elsewhere again. I believe that I am worth everything that Erich gives me. Why did I wait so long? Why couldnt I get off of my knees? Why couldnt I find the way to breathe sooner?? I am not perfect....but in His eyes, I am. He is the one that has always caught all of my tears. The reason has always been Him. But I was bound. Wrapped into something I never ever want to feel again. 

I didnt replace anything if thats what you are wondering. There isnt a way to "replace" something that was always there. Nothing was able to keep us away from each other and thats all that matters. No one ever could take away what we have always had. I was just filling in the void when He wasnt able to wrap me into his world. It took so long. I waited for a long time. I cried, a lot. but just knowing that he will always be there when my next chapter begins....it is a feeling that I wish everyone can feel one day. 

Satisfied. Happy. The first time I have felt alive.....in years.

And in only a few short months, I will be walking down an aisle to meet Him in matrimony...I am going to grant Him my body and soul.....I will take His last name and honor it with everything that I have inside of me.....I will give Him my vows that will last a lifetime. I should have done this years ago. But I find it absolutely amazing that we basically picked up right where we left off. He fell in love with me once......and then, 10 years later....He did it again. He woke me up. Saved me.  

From myself. 

And for that I owe Him my life.

I love you. Until the last beat of my heart.

Until next time, 

-J.C.

The Dawn Of A New Era

Today is the second day of my 9 days straight of work. I dont have a day off until the 11th of this month. This place fucking kills me. I am just hoping that its all worth it in the end...Working myself to utter exhaustion. I really need my car...I really need for this to happen, sooner then later. I really hate having to rely on people for shit like, taking me to and from work...or if i want to go somewhere or get something to eat...I have to ask and rely on someone to help me out. I am just done feeling so useless when it comes to this sort of thing. I am so done being  burden to every one.

I just cant wait. Im so anxious. But its not all hope and stuff. Some times, i feel like this will never happen for me. I'll never have my own car...I should be used to this kind of thing...not getting what I want and having to struggle for everything. I am just so tired and its only day 2 of 9.

Aja is getting married on the 27th. I seriously cant believe she is getting married before me. Everyone in high school always said that i would be the one that was married and had kids first...and in actuality...I am DEAD LAST. It stings a little. It really does. I am trying to get out of the circle of suck so hard...so I can build a life...So I can be proud of the person I am instead of feeling disappointment whenever i look in the mirror. I have barely any accomplishments to mark my belt off with. Even though I am extremely jealous....I am happy for Aja. She deserves to find happiness and be treated right. And I believe she has found that. 

Anyway...the wedding is on the 27th....and i will keep everyone updated as the clock ticks nearer...and ill post pictures. I am helping Audrey lead the ceremony...and I am super excited. Lets see if i can keep my tears under wraps. 

Thats all for now...

Hoping this entry is the start of a new leaf...

-J.C.