Tonight, I cried for the first time in a long time. I don't know if it was from the absolute terror of being alone or if it was because I have such high expectations of people and they always seem to fail me with their inferno fuck me eyes.
I just want everything to be perfect. I don't want to fail at anything anymore...so what is it going to take? What is it going to take to prove to everyone that I'm not a disappointment...so I can make my mama proud...?
How many more men am I going to chase away because my idea of a relationship is completely different from theirs? Will I ever find complete and total happiness or will I always be stuck in this pattern of never ending disgust? What drastic measures must I take for people to notice me?
I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a room filled with people, screaming at the top of my lungs and not one single person even glances my way.
I'm not taking proper precautions to prevent explosive mood fluxes...And i don't care...it's better this way. Maybe I may finish writing my book.
I can feel my entire world shifting...A brand new kind of gravity that's pulling me in all sorts of crazy directions...As if my whole body is changing. I wonder why...I wonder what it is that's making me have the same kind of dream every night...I like what they are telling me. I like it a lot... But I must remain silent about my pleasure of said dreams for the fear of disturbing someone.
Maybe all I am is a disturbance to the balance of things.
I have never wanted to fly as much as I do right now. Ever.
Everything is feeling unpleasant today...My abdomen is crampy, my stomach is nauseous and in knots, my back is sore, my shoulder is stiff...I wish something would just put me out of my misery...like they do to lame horses...bullet, right between the eyes.
But I must not be selfish. I am going to attempt to not throw off the balance anymore. I won't be a burden any longer.
I just need to sleep for a few years and wake up when the world needs me.
Profoundly yours,
-J.C.
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